getting out of an affair

[obtuseedge]

1. She is a selfish type of person. She has had two physical affairs and one emotional affair prior to this one. She has never been caught by her husband.

 

2. She is the biggest narcissist I've ever met. She is constantly bragging on herself, how good she looks, how funny she is, etc. She literally thinks every man wants her. It's annoying as hell.

 

3. The fact that she's had the other affairs haunts me. It makes me feel like a chump, that I'm the 4th guy she's cheated on her husband with. I think if I was the first, I would feel differently. But I mean come on, she's a serial cheater. She even admits to "throwing out the bait" to me and the other guys she screwed. And to top that off, she still has business relations with the first guy she had an affair with. And she is facebook friends with him. Which annoys the hell out of me.

 

4. She's not a very nurturing person. Most women are thought of as being nurturers, caretakers, etc. She is not. She cares about herself mainly.

 

She's obviously not perfect as you had initially alluded and these are serious flaws. I think an actual relationship with her would be very different than your affair. You are right in breaking it off. Good luck.

[sophinla]

she hates how men can be sexually promiscuous and it's tolerated in society. But women are branded as sluts. Pretty telling, I know.

 

Let's see. Many STDs have more health damage on women than men, with full blown symptoms in women, but men can get away with being mere carriers. During orgasm more oxytoxin is released in the female brain than male, making women more attached to their sexual partners than men. A sexual contact for a woman may mean 8 months of pregnancy and many years of selfless nurturing, whereas in men it could just mean the release of sperms.

 

Forget society, what is the laws of evolution / mother nature / God / whatever trying to tell women? Certainly not go forth and enjoy thyself. Sure women can have fun too, they just have to pay a lot more than men.

 

Bummer for half of the world's population that has a vigina, unless the package also comes with a good head on her shoulders.

[MissLilly]

I'm sick and tired of the roller coaster of emotions I feel. I love her, and I love being with her, but then I feel really bad when I'm not and I know she's with her husband.

 

End it and go no contact.

 

1. My marriage was in the ditch when the affair started. Since the affair began, my marriage has turned around 180 degrees. I'm in a good place with my wife now. She says I'm a different person. My concern is, that if I quit the affair, I'll regress back to the same person I was before and not treat her as well as she deserves. The guilt of the affair has caused me to treat her like a queen.

 

So you feeding your wife with lies and making her feel appreciated only to relieve your guilt. How about trying to spend real quality time with her, as you do with the mistress, communicating and seeing the woman she truly is instead of eating your cake?

 

Or just divorce her so you can find a person to whom you can be devoted to without needing a mistress to help you improve your personal life (your wife also deserves someone who isn't a cheater and a liar)

 

2. The woman I'm in love with is just perfection. I know you've heard it all before, but she's truly a gem. I know I will not, in my lifetime, meet another person who I can connect with like her. That's what's so hard to give up.

 

I saw she's married... Is she planning to leave her husband? If not she will never be yours anyway. And how's she perfection if you listed a few bad traits of her?

 

3. The sex is incredible.

 

Really...

 

4. She treats me like her boyfriend. And it's just fun to be around her.

 

Of course she's fun... she sees you on your best outfit when you two meet... she is not doing your laundry, smelling your bad breath in the morning... she's only getting the best of you, not dealing with your bad mood (this one goes to the wife), the most passionated sex. I bet her skin is glowing like the sun right now, so she's very thankful to you.

 

 

Reasons I need to stop:

 

1. She is a selfish type of person. She has had two physical affairs and one emotional affair prior to this one. She has never been caught by her husband.

 

That's maybe why you two are getting along so well, because you don't seem to be the most altruistic person also. Oh, and remember you too are not a single man yourself

 

2. She is the biggest narcissist I've ever met. She is constantly bragging on herself, how good she looks, how funny she is, etc. She literally thinks every man wants her. It's annoying as hell.

 

I agree this kind of behavior is annoying. Btw this alone makes her not "perfection" as you stated...

 

3. The fact that she's had the other affairs haunts me. It makes me feel like a chump, that I'm the 4th guy she's cheated on her husband with. I think if I was the first, I would feel differently. But I mean come on, she's a serial cheater. She even admits to "throwing out the bait" to me and the other guys she screwed. And to top that off, she still has business relations with the first guy she had an affair with. And she is facebook friends with him. Which annoys the hell out of me.

 

A moral code for cheaters, this is new to me. If only one time and person were enough...

 

4. She's not a very nurturing person. Most women are thought of as being nurturers, caretakers, etc. She is not. She cares about herself mainly.

 

I don't understand this; you said she treated you like her boyfriend, how come you feel good about that and she's not a "nurturer" kind of person? You mean with children or pets or yourself?

 

Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[Sassy Girl]

Sheesh... 12 pages and let me guess....you're still posturing and haven't changed a thing.

 

Geez man... Do something! You're honestly coming off pretty weak. Grow some stones.

[Majormisstep]

Oh Troubled, if your W finds out you will scramble and grovel and kiss the very shoes she walks in all in effort to save your M. *Thump*...there's your boot to the backside to get out of this A.

 

You are ONLY a notch in this woman's bedpost. As intoxicating as this all seems, the beauty and mystery of your femme fatale will wear off. Then you will join the ranks of so many MM who just needed to catch a bit on the side while the W raises your kids and cleans your laundry. C'mon! Be a man and either leave your W to find someone faithful or get your shYt together and dump this serial cheater. She'll find someone else real soon anyway.

 

She's admitted to 3 or 4 other men. My bet is there are more.

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to think I'd pick the OW, but after this thread's replies, I'm sure I would not. You all have opened my eyes in that department. Especially the comments regarding her likelihood to be screwing around on me, and also her likelihood to repeat another affair after she dumps me.

 

I continue to be amazed at how you think. You think less of your AP because she might not be faithful to you while you're cheating on your wife with her?

 

Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gettingstronger]

You are starting to understand what you have gotten yourself in to and thats good- keep going-do the right thing- end it with the OW and then you can start towards your next task- telling your wife and hopefully, if you are very lucky-rebuilding your marriage-

[troubled soul]

It's always the super nice spouse that gets cheated on - that sucks.

 

Have you considered getting therapy to help you with your poor choices that are self destructive?

 

 

I am working to find a therapist to talk to as we speak.

[troubled soul]

But if I can offer a bit of defense. I am a very good man in all other aspects of my life besides this. I'm honest, I have integrity, I do what I say. But this affair has scarred my soul to the point that I no longer can say that I live all facets of my life with integrity.

 

 

Thats been hard on my husband as well-I do see glimmers of hope for you though-you keep coming back and reading and responding-you do know you are doing wrong-you do know you are not an honest person, you have let your integrity slip and you do not do what you say-

 

One more guess- what was your AP like in high school- do you know? My guess is she was an "also ran..." as in never quite the tier she wanted to be-

 

I know she was a cheerleader in 10th or 11th grade, but not past that. I don't know why.

[troubled soul]

She's obviously not perfect as you had initially alluded and these are serious flaws. I think an actual relationship with her would be very different than your affair. You are right in breaking it off. Good luck.

 

 

I think an actual relationship with her would be a train wreck.

[troubled soul]

End it and go no contact.

 

 

 

 

I saw she's married... Is she planning to leave her husband? If not she will never be yours anyway. And how's she perfection if you listed a few bad traits of her?

 

 

 

 

I don't understand this; you said she treated you like her boyfriend, how come you feel good about that and she's not a "nurturer" kind of person? You mean with children or pets or yourself?

 

 

 

 

 

No, she is not planning to leave her husband. She is a serial cheater on her 4th affair and is simply out to have a good time.

 

As for the "nurturer" comment, I meant that she is not really that type of woman. Like the kind that's always looking after those around her and helping everybody else out. She just doesn't have it in her. Hell, I'm a man, and I've got more of the nurture gene than she does.

[troubled soul]

End it and go no contact.

 

 

 

So you feeding your wife with lies and making her feel appreciated only to relieve your guilt. How about trying to spend real quality time with her, as you do with the mistress, communicating and seeing the woman she truly is instead of eating your cake?

 

Or just divorce her so you can find a person to whom you can be devoted to without needing a mistress to help you improve your personal life (your wife also deserves someone who isn't a cheater and a liar)

 

 

 

I saw she's married... Is she planning to leave her husband? If not she will never be yours anyway. And how's she perfection if you listed a few bad traits of her?

 

 

 

Really...

 

 

 

Of course she's fun... she sees you on your best outfit when you two meet... she is not doing your laundry, smelling your bad breath in the morning... she's only getting the best of you, not dealing with your bad mood (this one goes to the wife), the most passionated sex. I bet her skin is glowing like the sun right now, so she's very thankful to you.

 

 

 

 

That's maybe why you two are getting along so well, because you don't seem to be the most altruistic person also. Oh, and remember you too are not a single man yourself

 

 

 

I agree this kind of behavior is annoying. Btw this alone makes her not "perfection" as you stated...

 

 

 

A moral code for cheaters, this is new to me. If only one time and person were enough...

 

 

 

I don't understand this; you said she treated you like her boyfriend, how come you feel good about that and she's not a "nurturer" kind of person? You mean with children or pets or yourself?

 

 

 

 

Oh Troubled, if your W finds out you will scramble and grovel and kiss the very shoes she walks in all in effort to save your M. *Thump*...there's your boot to the backside to get out of this A.

 

You are ONLY a notch in this woman's bedpost. As intoxicating as this all seems, the beauty and mystery of your femme fatale will wear off. Then you will join the ranks of so many MM who just needed to catch a bit on the side while the W raises your kids and cleans your laundry. C'mon! Be a man and either leave your W to find someone faithful or get your shYt together and dump this serial cheater. She'll find someone else real soon anyway.

 

She's admitted to 3 or 4 other men. My bet is there are more.

 

 

I know it's not important in regards to the discussion at hand, but I have a question for you. If you think she's had more than the 3 affairs (before me) that she's admitted to, why do you think that? Just because she's a cheater? I would contend that she wouldn't have admitted to the 3 prior affairs if her intent was to decieve me about her past/present dealings. She would've acted like it was her first one. At least that's what I would do if I was going to conceal my past. Why admit to a piece of it if you're not gonna admit to all of it? My perception of a woman who's had 3 affairs vs, say, 6 affairs is not any different. They both represent a person with a huge cheating problem.

[Rainbowlove]

I think an actual relationship with her would be a train wreck.

 

 

Your relationships with her now is a TRAIN WRECK!!!

 

Have you called a counselor yet? Do you know where your getting tested for STD's?

 

Have you started to pull away from this OW?

 

It's time for action not words.

[beach]

Your relationships with her now is a TRAIN WRECK!!!

 

Have you called a counselor yet? Do you know where your getting tested for STD's?

 

Have you started to pull away from this OW?

 

It's time for action not words.

 

Yep. All words and no action to change - keeps things the same.

 

Remember that when you talk to the counselor... It takes action to get your money's worth.

[troubled soul]

I continue to be amazed at how you think. You think less of your AP because she might not be faithful to you while you're cheating on your wife with her?

 

Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I think I can shed a bit of light on this. I have not experienced the feelings of romantic love in probably 10 years or more. The kind of feelings that give you butterflies and make you think about the person constantly. When this woman entered my life, it didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. I got hooked (and am hooked) on that feeling. And she reciprocated and told me she loved me too (and still does). So I was smitten by her, and I began to think of her as "my woman" even though she was still married. I had thoughts of us being together someday, even though that would require damaging two families, spouses, and 4 kids. So if you can enter that mindset, I think you could see how I would be very troubled to find out that she was/had been cheating behind my back. And that also is why I have such deep hurt feelings when I think about her past that includes the 3 prior affairs.

[beach]

Your first sentence to the new therapist should be "I'm having an affair with a toxic gal and I need you to help me stop my destructive actions".

[Rainbowlove]

I think I can shed a bit of light on this. I have not experienced the feelings of romantic love in probably 10 years or more. The kind of feelings that give you butterflies and make you think about the person constantly. When this woman entered my life, it didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. I got hooked (and am hooked) on that feeling. And she reciprocated and told me she loved me too (and still does). So I was smitten by her, and I began to think of her as "my woman" even though she was still married. I had thoughts of us being together someday, even though that would require damaging two families, spouses, and 4 kids. So if you can enter that mindset, I think you could see how I would be very troubled to find out that she was/had been cheating behind my back. And that also is why I have such deep hurt feelings when I think about her past that includes the 3 prior affairs.

 

You are a classic cake eater.

 

You want this OW and you want the comfort, security and stability your wife provides at home taking care of everything.

 

If you were truly in love with this OW, you would man up and tell your wife and walk out the door of your marriage.

 

On top of a cake eater, you are also displaying some very coward like behaviors.

 

If you are not in love with your wife, let her go find someone who is in love with her...but then you'd be upset if she was taking in some other guy.

 

You need your head examined.

[beach]

Are you motivated at all to change your behavior/actions to make this situation different --- to end the affair?

[troubled soul]

Are you motivated at all to change your behavior/actions to make this situation different --- to end the affair?

 

 

Yes. However, I am still seeing her. I know that will tick everybody off. But I'm not strong enough for cold turkey. I am making arrangements to see a therapist right now. I think between visiting with a therapist, using this board, and asking her some hard questions that will probably piss her off, I'll be able to kick this addiction.

[autumnnight]

Yes. However, I am still seeing her. I know that will tick everybody off. But I'm not strong enough for cold turkey. I am making arrangements to see a therapist right now. I think between visiting with a therapist, using this board, and asking her some hard questions that will probably piss her off, I'll be able to kick this addiction.

 

You don't go cold turkey because you are strong enough. You go cold turkey because your AREN'T strong enough. It will be hard; that is part of the consequence.

 

You are choosing not to cut it off. Own that.

[beach]

Of course you're not strong enough...

 

If you were a strong man with morals that cut to your core the OW wouldn't have chosen you.

 

A perpetrator always picks a weak one to focus on.

 

Not that you are the victim in this... That would be your wife.

 

 

Do you ever see how your wife will feel when she finds out? She will find out if you continue.

[elaine567]

From the way you describe the OW, she is the perfect affair material for any married man, a bit narcissistic, doesn't get too involved, she is not going to rock many boats by "falling in love", she is not going to demand you leave your wife.

You, on the other hand were a dry sponge, just waiting to grab some moisture and she provided the rain.

With the confidence you gained from the affair, you were a different man. No doubt some giving off some good vibes and your wife saw a different you and she liked it.

 

Now, from being hungry for love and sex, you have turned into a cake eater.

You now have two interested women and that is a great situation to be in.

 

Despite all the criticism and taunts here, and the "remorse" you say you have, and the "indecision" and the supposed desire to end the A...

...in your mind, you are "Da Man" and that is such a wonderful feeling...

[MissLilly]

I know it's not important in regards to the discussion at hand, but I have a question for you. If you think she's had more than the 3 affairs (before me) that she's admitted to, why do you think that? Just because she's a cheater? I would contend that she wouldn't have admitted to the 3 prior affairs if her intent was to decieve me about her past/present dealings. She would've acted like it was her first one. At least that's what I would do if I was going to conceal my past. Why admit to a piece of it if you're not gonna admit to all of it? My perception of a woman who's had 3 affairs vs, say, 6 affairs is not any different. They both represent a person with a huge cheating problem.

 

I know this world is big, many cultures, lifestyles, choices. But common sense in our western world is: committed relationship = faithfulness.

 

Unless you agreed with your wife to both of you have an open relationship, dating other partners for fun and stuff, it's plain cheating. It's wrong no matter how many affairs you had, one, two, ten. No matter if it's only an emotional affair, if you want to live something else than your committed relationship you stay single... how hard is that?

 

If you want me to put my personal insight on your mistress's behavior then I would dare to say myself she at least assumes what she is doing and could care less she sounds like very free-spirited, the kind of woman who could care less how society, men and common standards are going to label her. She said herself, YOLO? That's it. You are the one that seems confused, looks like you are lost between her choices, your moral standards, a crazy passion for her and the comfort of having a housewife at home if everything goes bad.

 

It feels like you are jealous or envious of her. And let me tell you, you don't love her and i doubt she loves you at all... you both only love yourselves and you're only the flavour of the day.

Edited March 2, 2015 by MissLilly
adding details

[troubled soul]

From the way you describe the OW, she is the perfect affair material for any married man, a bit narcissistic, doesn't get too involved, she is not going to rock many boats by "falling in love", she is not going to demand you leave your wife.

You, on the other hand were a dry sponge, just waiting to grab some moisture and she provided the rain.

With the confidence you gained from the affair, you were a different man. No doubt some giving off some good vibes and your wife saw a different you and she liked it.

 

Now, from being hungry for love and sex, you have turned into a cake eater.

You now have two interested women and that is a great situation to be in.

 

Despite all the criticism and taunts here, and the "remorse" you say you have, and the "indecision" and the supposed desire to end the A...

...in your mind, you are "Da Man" and that is such a wonderful feeling...

 

 

This is unbelievable insight. I mean you have the whole situation pretty much summarized here. You must have walked in my shoes before? Or been close to someone that has?

[Mr. Lucky]

If you want me to put my personal insight on your mistress's behavior then I would dare to say myself she at least assumes what she is doing and could care less she sounds like very free-spirited, the kind of woman who could care less how society, men and common standards are going to label her. She said herself, YOLO? That's it.

 

I had the same thought. At least your AP has the courage of her convictions and is honest about her motivations and behaviors. Her H knows about her previous affairs - could she have told him? - and, while she could have easily played the "first time" card with you, she was up front about her previous AP's. Ethical or not, at least she owns her behavior, including the fact that your departure will simply queue up the next guy.

 

Contrast that with you ...

 

Mr. Lucky