getting out of an affair

[troubled soul]

Chris Rock famously said a man is only as faithful as his options.

 

Do you think the entitlement that accompanies your financial status has played a part in your A?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I never thought of it that way. But now that you mention it, I think that yes, it does. I think the fact that I do all the "heavy lifting" in a financial sense, combined with being very successful, maybe that's part of the twisted thinking I use to justify this asanine behavior. Thanks.

[truncated]

Ouch. This hurts my stomach. Literally. Because it's so true.

 

If you really want to know how close you pegged it here, I'll say that she's "dumped" me twice. The first time, I asked her to give it another chance. The second time, she called me two days later after nc from me, asking me to give it another chance, but with her specified "conditions".

 

Like I said, this comment of yours hits me in the guts, sandylee.

 

there are some women ( and men too) who are adept at playing people. They intuitively know what to say to get their own way, and that's just what she's doing with you.

 

She's playing you like a fiddle, all for her own amusement.

 

I'm not straight out callin her a sociopath, but there is something with her that just doesn't click. This being said, many years ago I once heard that someone with this type of personality disorder is the ultimate empath. They are really good at reading people, and know just what to say and do to tug at their heart and play with their emotions. They treat others badly, then are able to manipulate the situation so that those people end up feeling sorry for them.

[beach]

Not much about feelings for your wife or kids.

 

And that may be part of the problem - you don't seem to be considering them in all this - not do you seem at all willing to end it with the OW.

 

How do you think we can help you?

[sandylee1]

Ouch. This hurts my stomach. Literally. Because it's so true.

 

Maybe you're beginning to see her true colors. She holds ALL the cards in this affair.

 

Like I said, this comment of yours hits me in the guts, sandylee.

 

T'S - I just want you to realise she's not a nice person at all. She's selfish, as you are right now.

 

Her specified conditions huh. ......she really has you right where she wants. It seems like there's nothing you wouldn't do to be with her. I guess she even dictates how she wants the sex and you are so keen to please her, you obey without question.

 

She's bad news...... but you're not a little kid. It ends when you say.

 

Do you work together? I'm just wondering how ea

You know it really says something about her as a person to keep you hooked.

 

When I was single, if I guy I was dating was so much more into me, i felt really bad. If I realised I was never going to feel quite as they did, I ended it.

 

It just didn't seem fair to keep stringing them along. They were great guys, but in certain ways I wasn't feeling as much as them.

 

I'm not usually so crude, but this may hit home for you. She is married, has sex with her H, and semen can hang around in the female area for a while, even when you clean up. You have sex with her, go down on her (coz i cant see her not wanting it and you not being keen to make her enjoy) and are quite easily licking up his stuff. Doesn't sound quite so hot now does it?

 

Of course reverse could be the case for her H too.

[MissLilly]

I think that if I mention anything to her about sex with my wife, she cringes and tells me to shut up. So I know it bothers her.

 

Of course you are now with QUEEN HER, how dare you mention on her golden ears you still have sex with your wife? Bad boy

 

She's the kind of person that simply lacks remorse. You can clearly see an affair exposed didn't stop her of having 2 more.

 

You stop an affair by wanting it to end. That's all. Pick your wife and kids and go travel overseas. Give your kids a good time and your wife a second honeymoon. Not out of guilt, but because YOU WANT IT. This is what you do when you love somebody and want to preserve what you both built.

 

But I guess you don't love your wife anymore so it's not worth to give you this kind of advice.

[beach]

Since you don't state in all these pages anything much that's lovely about your wife - I can't see how you love her at all while you're just gushing about a terrible woman you're having an affair with.

 

Why don't you divorce your wife so she can find a man to really, really love her?

 

You can do whatever you want to that way...

[Minnie09]

I know it has been discussed 1 million times in this thread, but what completely surprises me is that it doesn't bother the original poster that his other woman shags other guys all the time. She has been cheating on her husband a gazillion times, which would be such a turn off for anyone. But not for him. I wonder why. I mean, seriously, don't you want to feel special in your A? Isn't that why people cheat in the first place? Because the A sells them a feeling of being "special"?

[troubled soul]

there are some women ( and men too) who are adept at playing people. They intuitively know what to say to get their own way, and that's just what she's doing with you.

 

She's playing you like a fiddle, all for her own amusement.

 

I'm not straight out callin her a sociopath, but there is something with her that just doesn't click. This being said, many years ago I once heard that someone with this type of personality disorder is the ultimate empath. They are really good at reading people, and know just what to say and do to tug at their heart and play with their emotions. They treat others badly, then are able to manipulate the situation so that those people end up feeling sorry for them.

 

 

Thank you for your insight. How could I explain to her that I feel like I've been "played like a fiddle" during our final breakup conversation? Despite many people on this thread's advice (which is probably good advice, I admit), I want to end this with respect for this woman. I'm not going to throw her under the bus. Help me to form a logical, respectful conversation that would let me ease out of this thing, whilst retaining both my dignity and hers.

[jm2013]

Thank you for your insight. How could I explain to her that I feel like I've been "played like a fiddle" during our final breakup conversation? Despite many people on this thread's advice (which is probably good advice, I admit), I want to end this with respect for this woman. I'm not going to throw her under the bus. Help me to form a logical, respectful conversation that would let me ease out of this thing, whilst retaining both my dignity and hers.

 

Maybe tell her you you want to rebuild and work on your marriage and you're overwhelmed with the fake guilt you came here for?

[Rainbowlove]

Thank you for your insight. How could I explain to her that I feel like I've been "played like a fiddle" during our final breakup conversation? Despite many people on this thread's advice (which is probably good advice, I admit), I want to end this with respect for this woman. I'm not going to throw her under the bus. Help me to form a logical, respectful conversation that would let me ease out of this thing, whilst retaining both my dignity and hers.

 

End it with dignity? End it with Respect? Oh, man...you are being delusional.

 

This will not end well. You think she's just going to let you walk away quietly?

 

You just say, I'm done. I'm going back to my wife and family to repair that and to deal with myself and my short comings as a husband and father.

 

You say, it's over. And you say, do not contact me again.

 

End it respectfully??? Good grief.

 

I have to say, you are one cold character.

[troubled soul]

End it with dignity? End it with Respect? Oh, man...you are being delusional.

 

This will not end well. You think she's just going to let you walk away quietly?

 

You just say, I'm done. I'm going back to my wife and family to repair that and to deal with myself and my short comings as a husband and father.

 

You say, it's over. And you say, do not contact me again.

 

End it respectfully??? Good grief.

 

I have to say, you are one cold character.

 

RL-

 

I've appreciated and agreed with 95% of your advice in this thread. Your insights are nothing less than phenomenal.

 

However, I have to strongly disagree with you here. I feel it is warranted to end it respectfully. If I can choose to end it with respect, rather than being rude and possibly pissing her off even more, why wouldn't I? I want the least chance of fallout here; I think explaining my position fully in a calm manner is warranted in this situation.

[jm2013]

RL-

 

I've appreciated and agreed with 95% of your advice in this thread. Your insights are nothing less than phenomenal.

 

However, I have to strongly disagree with you here. I feel it is warranted to end it respectfully. If I can choose to end it with respect, rather than being rude and possibly pissing her off even more, why wouldn't I? I want the least chance of fallout here; I think explaining my position fully in a calm manner is warranted in this situation.

 

Why do you want to end the affair? I'm just curious. You don't seem to have much guilt if any. You don't seem to love your wife and the only thing that seems to concern you is having to shell out the money you don't want to in a nasty divorce. Is that the only reason that makes you want to stop the affair? If your AP wasn't bouncing around from man to man would that get you more engaged? Is that what the new found disgust is which is driving you away from her? You thought you were special and you just came to the realization you aren't to her? Once your AP is gone are you going to shop for another AP?

[Mr. Lucky]

However, I have to strongly disagree with you here. I feel it is warranted to end it respectfully. If I can choose to end it with respect, rather than being rude and possibly pissing her off even more, why wouldn't I? I want the least chance of fallout here; I think explaining my position fully in a calm manner is warranted in this situation.

 

You're assuming your goals align with hers.

 

What if her intention - out of rejection, real or imagined - is to wreck your marriage, perhaps in the hope that you'll have no other alternative than to continue the A?

 

Hard to predict a "calm manner" and rational thought in an obviously emotional situation. Hell hath no fury...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

It's possible that you're overestimating AP's negative response and your influence in her life. She may not care that much that you break up with her.

 

A lot of selfish people will make a big fuss, cry, huff and puff when someone detaches from them...and the next day they're out with someone else like nothing happened.

 

She sounds to me like she already has lots of shoulders to lean on if she gets a boo boo from you.

 

If that's the case maybe it's your ego that can't handle it...and/or your fear of her angry response is unwarranted.

[Rainbowlove]

RL-

 

I've appreciated and agreed with 95% of your advice in this thread. Your insights are nothing less than phenomenal.

 

However, I have to strongly disagree with you here. I feel it is warranted to end it respectfully. If I can choose to end it with respect, rather than being rude and possibly pissing her off even more, why wouldn't I? I want the least chance of fallout here; I think explaining my position fully in a calm manner is warranted in this situation.

 

Because the likelihood of it ending respectfully is very slim.

 

Truthfully, and maybe you can't see it right now, but ending it respectfully shouldn't matter. No one says be rude, but be swift. Be firm. Be abrupt. Be cold.

 

You can't have any contact when it's over. It's just over.

 

I do think your OW will be angry and not take it well.

 

Be prepared for nasty.

[troubled soul]

Why do you want to end the affair? I'm just curious. You don't seem to have much guilt if any. You don't seem to love your wife and the only thing that seems to concern you is having to shell out the money you don't want to in a nasty divorce. Is that the only reason that makes you want to stop the affair? If your AP wasn't bouncing around from man to man would that get you more engaged? Is that what the new found disgust is which is driving you away from her? You thought you were special and you just came to the realization you aren't to her? Once your AP is gone are you going to shop for another AP?

 

 

The main reason I want to end the affair is to get off of this emotional roller coaster I've been on for almost a year. Not necessarily because of guilt. Because I'm tired of the drama and the pain of trying to deal with a woman who has a husband she goes home to every night.

 

The money is not even really a consideration for me, even if I was considering divorce, which I am not. Half of a lot, is still alot.

 

As I've mentioned previously, I do think I'd be more engaged if she had not had prior affairs. I think the fact that she's had these prior affairs and the fact that I'm just a notch in her belt are the drivers behind my "new found disgust". And yes, it does hurt me to know that I'm not really "special" at all. Just another easy lay for her.

 

I will never have another affair. I would rather die than experience this again. Probably the worst single decision of my adult life.

[sandylee1]

You can tell her living this double life is eating you up and your W seems to be getting suspicious that something is off. You want to be a faithful husband from now on and you wish her well for the future. You have to end it right now with no further contact. Good bye.

 

Because if this woman gets pissed off, you are going to be in big trouble. She could make your life a living hell.

[Rainbowlove]

The main reason I want to end the affair is to get off of this emotional roller coaster I've been on for almost a year. Not necessarily because of guilt. Because I'm tired of the drama and the pain of trying to deal with a woman who has a husband she goes home to every night.

 

The money is not even really a consideration for me, even if I was considering divorce, which I am not. Half of a lot, is still alot.

 

As I've mentioned previously, I do think I'd be more engaged if she had not had prior affairs. I think the fact that she's had these prior affairs and the fact that I'm just a notch in her belt are the drivers behind my "new found disgust". And yes, it does hurt me to know that I'm not really "special" at all. Just another easy lay for her.

 

I will never have another affair. I would rather die than experience this again. Probably the worst single decision of my adult life.

 

For the first time, you sound like someone who might be hitting rock bottom.

 

I hope for you and your family that is true.

[beach]

If you intend to end it simply tell her it's over. That's it! No reason to think she will make a big deal about it. She probably will have your replacement within a week.

 

That's also why gals like her flirt and grab all mens attention - because they need their backup plans when one exits.

 

You can become proud of yourself again if you end it and don't look back.

 

Can you write out a list of ways you can get reconnected to your wife instead of the OW? When was the last time you met somewhere fun with your W? Bought HER a gift? Wrote her a poem?

 

Think of ways to get back into the marriage.

[gettingstronger]

You mention your financial success and some how you feel entitled to your affair because of it- please remember you did not get there on your own-your partnership with your wife, her role in your success can not be ignored-men with a stable home life, someone to run the logistics in the life you chose together (the kids, the house, all of the trappings of an upper middle class lifestyle) are far more successful than those that don't have those things-your wife helped you get to where you are- she deserves the truth and if you can not bring yourself to give her that-at least give her your faithfulness- I am unsure why you are so worried about doing right by your OW when the woman that deserves dignity and respect sits in the dark-

 

Come on pal, I live your life- we have two homes, take vacations, money in the bank, etc... I stayed home when the kids were very young, put off my career for our life-I know your wife is like I am-not deserving of this and yet there she is-do right by her or leave her-and soon-very, very soon-

[Mr. Lucky]

As I've mentioned previously, I do think I'd be more engaged if she had not had prior affairs. I think the fact that she's had these prior affairs and the fact that I'm just a notch in her belt are the drivers behind my "new found disgust". And yes, it does hurt me to know that I'm not really "special" at all. Just another easy lay for her.

 

Don't understand this line of thinking at all. If you were her "first", the lies, cheating and deception would all be worth it? The energy taken from your marriage and family - from your wife and kids - would be validated? Even though the affair was a "mistake" (your words), it would be a better mistake?

 

I hope your "new found disgust" isn't solely with your OW...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Because I'm tired of the drama and the pain of trying to deal with a woman who has a husband she goes home to every night.

 

 

So if she were single you'd have no real desire to end it?

Or if she wanted to leave her H for you, would you leave your W to be with her ?

 

I give you props for your honesty, but I can't understand how you have no guilt about this at all. To have no guilt you must be telling yourself you're entitled to have this affair in some way.

 

However, you describe your marriage as a good one. I hope you are getting somewhere with finding a counsellor to help.

It's been said lots of times, but your wife deserves better than a cheating husband.

 

You need to know your boundaries, so that you don't even come close to having another A. Because there are other women like her out there, so you need to figure out how you will resist the bait next time.

[jackslife]

OP. You were saying you wanted to end the affair with dignity, and wanted the best way of ending it. That you were worried about her response etc. etc.

 

Those are just excuses. To end the affair you need to make up your mind to end it. Then end it. And then move on.

 

Will the break up be hard? Yes of course it will be. All break ups are. The more you loved someone (and the more they loved you) the more difficult it is. But ultimately you just have to do it. If you want to end it, whether she sighs a sigh of relief and never looks back or sobs and begs you to stay, it shouldn't matter. You are ending it.

 

Affairs are great fun and exciting and wonderful, but ultimately they can be heart breaking and can be very destructive. You are at the tail end of yours now. You started your post asking how to get out of this? It's very, very simple. You end it! You tell her it's over. You go no contact. You then go through the pain, have IC, use self help books, follow the NC guide on here, see friends, take exercise, all the things that people do to get over a relationship.

 

This thread has been going on for ages, lots of advice, lots of questions, lots of back and forth, but when you cut to the chase, when you cut through all the psychobabble and bull****, the answer is simple. You end the affair. You tell her it's over. You don't look back.

 

It really is as simple as that. Not easy. But simple.

[jackslife]

One final thought.

 

A lot of your turmoil is about making the decision. Your head spins with all the possible combinations and outcomes. You want to turn left, you want to turn right, you want to do both at the same time, what if, how, what, why...

 

Then you come on here, more advice, more information. You are getting overloaded with information. Take a breath. Make the decision to end it. Go NC wherever possible. Just making that decision will lift a huge weight from your shoulders. The rest will sort itself out in time.

 

Six months from now you'll look back and wonder why it took you so long.

[troubled soul]

What is "IC"?