jackslife Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 IC = Individual Counselling Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 IC = Individual Counselling Thank you. Waiting for a return call on that today. I can't wait to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Don't understand this line of thinking at all. If you were her "first", the lies, cheating and deception would all be worth it? The energy taken from your marriage and family - from your wife and kids - would be validated? Even though the affair was a "mistake" (your words), it would be a better mistake? I hope your "new found disgust" isn't solely with your OW... Mr. Lucky I think if I was her "first", I'd be much more likely to do something stupid....like leave my wife for her. Being that I'm her "fourth", I am smart enough to recognize that she does not feel the same way about me that I feel about her. And yes, I'm disgusted with myself as well, if that's what you were implying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 So if she were single you'd have no real desire to end it? Or if she wanted to leave her H for you, would you leave your W to be with her ? I give you props for your honesty, but I can't understand how you have no guilt about this at all. To have no guilt you must be telling yourself you're entitled to have this affair in some way. However, you describe your marriage as a good one. I hope you are getting somewhere with finding a counsellor to help. It's been said lots of times, but your wife deserves better than a cheating husband. You need to know your boundaries, so that you don't even come close to having another A. Because there are other women like her out there, so you need to figure out how you will resist the bait next time. It's interesting that you make the point about other women throwing out the bait. This woman mentioned once that she was surprised that I'd never been pursued for an affair before. I told her that I never had. But after thinking back on past years, I can recall several occasions when the bait was probably being set out, and I simply failed to recognize it for what it was. Going forward, I think I will be able to see easily when a woman decides to go fishing for me. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 OP. You are going to get a kicking on here, and will feel guilt etc. However, you aren't the first person to have an affair and you won't be the last. With counselling you'll get to the root cause of the reasons, from there you can either work on your marriage or you may decide that your marriage isn't what you want. Beating yourself up and wallowing in self pity won't help. However, recognising you need to end the affair and then getting your head together will. You've made a mistake, we all make mistakes. What's important is how you move forward. While the affair is ongoing, nothing will change. Once it is terminated you can start the process of moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Since you don't state in all these pages anything much that's lovely about your wife - I can't see how you love her at all while you're just gushing about a terrible woman you're having an affair with. Why don't you divorce your wife so she can find a man to really, really love her? You can do whatever you want to that way... Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me And you are cheating because???? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I just can't believe someone would risk everything you listed for a woman on her fourth affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I just can't believe someone would risk everything you listed for a woman on her fourth affair. Really, what more could you want from a wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 This woman mentioned once that she was surprised that I'd never been pursued for an affair before. She said this because being faithful is inconceivable to her and she'll cheat until she's 6 foot under. No one man will ever satisfy her. Link to post Share on other sites
stellamaria Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 OP - why did you get in touch with this woman? Was there something particularly painful going on in your life? What do you get from it? Do you feel like she 'gets' you? If she's narcissistic, she is mirroring you. It's all you. She projects on to you. Anything you see that's good or bad in her, is actually your own traits and qualities/flaws. Have a look at some codependency pages. Maybe read Codependency No More. Narcissists attract codependents, people with low self-esteem and a lack of resources of self. This is fact. Warning: she WILL devalue and discard you. And that will be the most painful thing you've ever gone through. Maybe your wife will find out, maybe she won't (I'm guessing you're arrogantly assuming right now that you are going to get away with this?) When it's over, it hurts. Please, please, do not wait until she moves on to another guy and your heart and soul is shattered. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 And yes, I'm disgusted with myself as well, if that's what you were implying. In the last couple of pages, you seem to be coming out of the fog. Though you had it so bad, more like an affair coma. I think one thing many of us reacted to in your early postings was the notion that your AP somehow seduced, tricked or lured you into the relationship. The concept of "free will" seemed to be missing. But after thinking back on past years, I can recall several occasions when the bait was probably being set out, and I simply failed to recognize it for what it was. That's called being happily married ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me Often, the cliche is that betrayed spouses are a cause of why they are cheated on. Even if your wife had half the qualities you've listed, it's astounding why cheaters cheat. I get the impression, you feel entitled to have a great wife but that you want to experience something different, that being with a loose woman is exciting to you without any real investment. You feel like a bad boy being with a "bad girl", in your affair you are rebelling against the good "image" you've cultivated. You've met your match with the OW, you're both cut from the same cloth, no guilt and entitled to be deceptive as long as your "image" remains intact. I feel sorry for your wife and kids. You don't honor or respect them, your ego and selfishness comes first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me Jesus... that sounds really miserable. Examine yourself. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Op, I read the list of the great qualities your wife has, and it sounds like she has them in spades. Why would you cheat on her? What is it that the affair is providing to you that your marriage isn't? I don't claim to know much about people, but one thing I do know is that people don't do things unless they get something out of it. What is it that you are getting out of this affair? Once you have figured that out, try and decide teh answers to these questions... (a) Is this something I can get from my wife? (b) If I can't get it from my wife, will I be able to go the rest of my life without getting it? If the answer is that you don't think you can go the rest of your life without it, then you need to ask yourself the really hard question of whether or not you think you'll cheat again to get it. Strip away all the answers to that question that you may give out of guilt, and you'll have the reality of your situation. No one on here can answer that for you, and no therapist can either. they can help you find the answers for yourself, but you may have to do a lot of work and face some things about yourself that you may not like very much. Your wife deserves an honest relatioinship. and if you think that you could cheat again, then she won't be getting one with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I get the impression, you feel entitled to have a great wife but that you want to experience something different, that being with a loose woman is exciting to you without any real investment. You feel like a bad boy being with a "bad girl", in your affair you are rebelling against the good "image" you've cultivated. I think, like many accomplished and/or wealthy folks, the OP thinks he's entitled to - and needs - both wife and mistress. Notice the wife is this: 10.Very romantic/sexual She's the good girl, the romantic side of sexuality. The AP: 3. The sex is incredible. 4. She treats me like her boyfriend. And it's just fun to be around her. Madonna/whore. Not the first nor the last guy with this solution, especially since most cheaters care only about their own wants and needs... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 OP You list 20 lovely things about your wife, but you don't actually say that you love her. I'd say you really truly need to ask yourself whether you love her. If you do love her, dig deep to establish why you would cheat on your beautiful wife. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 When any person INTENDS to change something (anything) they take ACTION to make sure it changes. I haven't seen the action you're taking to change anything about stopping your affair... Which leads me to believe you don't intend to end it - please enlighten me if I'm wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 (edited) Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me Think I will send this to my on and off boyfriend/fiancé and say you are cheating on a wife with these qualities. PLUS with a narcissistic mistress who is collecting APs like McDonalds Happy Meals' prizes. Then this maybe explains to him why I am so afraid of marriage! Sorry but... Only you know your wife and mistress. Listing her qualities is something you should have done long ago, before deciding to start an affair. If 20 things are not good enough for you to stick with your wife (which by the way is the dream of any man looking for a partner for life) I suggest you strongly to LEAVE HER. I don't give a month and she will have a line of men dropping flower petals wherever she steps in. Edited March 6, 2015 by MissLilly Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Things that are lovely about my wife: 1. Very attractive 2. Great caretaker of home 3. Homeschools the kids 4. Loving and nurturing 5. Appreciative of what I do 6. Supportive of my endeavors 7. Great cook 8. Has lots of good friends 9. Hard worker 10.Very romantic/sexual 11.Tells me she loves me more every day (cue guilt pangs) 12.Tells me how intelligent and handsome I am 13.Never looks at other guys wantingly 14.Not a flirt 15.Fun to be around 16.Usually quite agreeable to what I want 17.Always wants to go out and do things 18.In good physical shape/works out 19.Blonde hair/blue eyes, pretty 20.Takes good care of me She would do just fine without being married to a man who's deceiving her. You could leave her and be free to see your selfish OW anytime you please. Why not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 OP You list 20 lovely things about your wife, but you don't actually say that you love her. I'd say you really truly need to ask yourself whether you love her. If you do love her, dig deep to establish why you would cheat on your beautiful wife. Evidence shows he doesn't love her. He doesn't respect or honor her either. He might "think" he does - but his actions show it's in conflict. Sigh, it seems like it's always the "too nice" spouses that get cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 When any person INTENDS to change something (anything) they take ACTION to make sure it changes. I haven't seen the action you're taking to change anything about stopping your affair... Which leads me to believe you don't intend to end it - please enlighten me if I'm wrong. He is just cake eating. He is only bothered by the fact the mistress is not an old-fashioned woman (the kind of woman who will do all the bed service and wash the sheets herself right after, cook a meal for him and be ready and perfect for the second round, totally devoted because HE CHOSE HER - bell sounds here) and has more time and stories between the sheets than himself. He's ego-bruised and is not dealing well with this. Her behavior and personality at the same time repulses and attracts him deeply. I'm sorry but as a person who ended not only one but TWO relationships before with persons i deeply LOVED (and they weren't affair partners, we were in real relationships), when something doesn't work you just end it. Period. No regrets, the pain is natural but we all survive to it. If you wanted to end it for real you wouldn't be here asking our advice. Only you know your situation, what you have to lose, or win... I smell a Dday coming soon (and I hope so, because this jewel you have as a wife deserves a better man). Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 She would do just fine without being married to a man who's deceiving her. You could leave her and be free to see your selfish OW anytime you please. Why not? Sadly, she will probably wonder how she could ever trust any man when she has given so much to a man and was a good wife and she was still cheated on. Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder what in the world is wrong with people. What a shame that she is so loving and supportive to a man who just really does not deserve it. Blech.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Sadly, she will probably wonder how she could ever trust any man when she has given so much to a man and was a good wife and she was still cheated on. Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder what in the world is wrong with people. What a shame that she is so loving and supportive to a man who just really does not deserve it. Blech.. I agree = her own husband is scamming her. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Download "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That's a start. Link to post Share on other sites
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