MissLilly Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I had the same thought. At least your AP has the courage of her convictions and is honest about her motivations and behaviors. Her H knows about her previous affairs - could she have told him? - and, while she could have easily played the "first time" card with you, she was up front about her previous AP's. Ethical or not, at least she owns her behavior, including the fact that your departure will simply queue up the next guy. Contrast that with you ... Mr. Lucky Sometimes they share the hot wife/cuckold lifestyle as well. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 I know this world is big, many cultures, lifestyles, choices. But common sense in our western world is: committed relationship = faithfulness. Unless you agreed with your wife to both of you have an open relationship, dating other partners for fun and stuff, it's plain cheating. It's wrong no matter how many affairs you had, one, two, ten. No matter if it's only an emotional affair, if you want to live something else than your committed relationship you stay single... how hard is that? If you want me to put my personal insight on your mistress's behavior then I would dare to say myself she at least assumes what she is doing and could care less she sounds like very free-spirited, the kind of woman who could care less how society, men and common standards are going to label her. She said herself, YOLO? That's it. You are the one that seems confused, looks like you are lost between her choices, your moral standards, a crazy passion for her and the comfort of having a housewife at home if everything goes bad. It feels like you are jealous or envious of her. And let me tell you, you don't love her and i doubt she loves you at all... you both only love yourselves and you're only the flavour of the day. Actually, she is very concerned about how she is viewed. I know when she was caught by the wife in affair #2, it caused a rock in her social circles. She has nightmares about that woman, and how she now has poisoned some of ther friendships. She worries all the time about being liked by everybody. I'm jealous of her husband. That he has her and I don't. But I don't think I'm jealous of her. Another insight on her. She's very "friend-oriented" if that makes sense. She seems to place her value in life on her number of friends and not necessarily quality of friendships. She has told me that she has several friends that THINK she is their best friend, but she doesn't consider them to be. I thought that was sort of a weird thing to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 I had the same thought. At least your AP has the courage of her convictions and is honest about her motivations and behaviors. Her H knows about her previous affairs - could she have told him? - and, while she could have easily played the "first time" card with you, she was up front about her previous AP's. Ethical or not, at least she owns her behavior, including the fact that your departure will simply queue up the next guy. Contrast that with you ... Mr. Lucky I do not understand the "contrast that with you" comment. Please elaborate. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Your situation is not complicated. Your ego is bruised, you're one of many OM. It's hard for you to accept that you're not so special after all, knowing that you're not the first or last OM in regard to your affair partner. The affair swelled your ego but the reality has deflated your ego. I don't think you really care about right from wrong, or suffer guilt about being a cheater. You sound like a robber who is pissed off his wallet was stolen. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I do not understand the "contrast that with you" comment. Please elaborate. Pretty simple. Her - Honest about her intentions. You - No Her - Knows nothing unique about R. You - No Her - Spouse knows she's a cheater. You - No Etc, etc, etc... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Pretty simple. Her - Honest about her intentions. You - No Her - Knows nothing unique about R. You - No Her - Spouse knows she's a cheater. You - No Etc, etc, etc... Mr. Lucky I think I missed the part about her husband knowing she's cheated. I thought the OP said the APs husband had never found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I think I missed the part about her husband knowing she's cheated. I thought the OP said the APs husband had never found out. We'll, he posted this: Actually, she is very concerned about how she is viewed. I know when she was caught by the wife in affair #2, it caused a rock in her social circles. She has nightmares about that woman, and how she now has poisoned some of ther friendships. She worries all the time about being liked by everybody. I's assumed her H part of the social circle, could be wrong. If everyone knows but him, just another of many levels of betrayal... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I'm jealous of her husband. That he has her and I don't. You want a cheating wife? Why not talk to your own wife about an open relationship then so she might have her fun with other men if that's one of your kinks? Well, not the same as cheating I guess since you'd consent, but better than nothing I guess. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You want a cheating wife? T'S Look at what you are jealous of. A man who's wife has cheated with at least 4 other guys and has not one tiny bit of guilt about it. You mentioned earlier that you've gone all out to please her sexually, why not put this effort in with your wife. She surely deserves the best loving you are capable of giving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Yes. However, I am still seeing her. I know that will tick everybody off. But I'm not strong enough for cold turkey. I am making arrangements to see a therapist right now. I think between visiting with a therapist, using this board, and asking her some hard questions that will probably piss her off, I'll be able to kick this addiction. Anyone ever notice a pattern like this on cheater posts, a whole, "I know everyone is going to be mad at me/ attacking me / upset about this / think I am a douchebag or jerk." Like it just sounds so little-kiddish and immature. No, we aren't going to be "ticked off" at you. We're just like, "man, this guy is making stupid stupid choices for himself and others. Hopefully he gets it or at least his wife finds out so she can get out of the stupid situation of having a spouse who treats her like garbage." Don't worry so much about "how upset everyone will be" (except your wife). Worry about what you are DOING to others. Worry about your actions. Fix your choices and your life. Jeepers. We aren't that invested in YOU. We come here to support people who have these issues, so that fewer people suffer and have these issues overall, if possible. Maybe one in ten WS actually listen. I don't lose any sleep over the other nine, most here won't. We just sit back as you disappear or keep trainwrecking your life with retarded WS justifications about "how bad" everything is for you OR "how cold your spouse is and how hot your AP is." When really, the grass is greener where you water it. You are growing something with the OW that is like a Penis-flytrap. Have fun with that. It WILL bite you. And we will or won't watch. We may facepalm, but at the end of the day, you are text on a screen that didn't emotionally resonate with 95% of us because you are so detached from your own reality. I swear, most MM are just the same guy that gets around a lot. The patterns are so well-worn. Rarely do they have much different to say. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 T'S Look at what you are jealous of. A man who's wife has cheated with at least 4 other guys and has not one tiny bit of guilt about it. You mentioned earlier that you've gone all out to please her sexually, why not put this effort in with your wife. She surely deserves the best loving you are capable of giving. You make good points, although it was 3 other guys (not that it matters). I mentioned this to her yesterday and she wanted to make a pledge with me that she'd never have another affair. Yes, I know, you don't even need to say it. You are correct that I should put more effort into my wife. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You make good points, although it was 3 other guys (not that it matters). I mentioned this to her yesterday and she wanted to make a pledge with me that she'd never have another affair. Yes, I know, you don't even need to say it. You are correct that I should put more effort into my wife. Thanks. I was literally sipping my coffee and that line almost made me spit it out in laughter all over my LCDs. Have you put more thought into coming clean with your wife? I know it will take a lot of guts to do but I think in the long run it may end up saving your marriage. You screwed up big time. Like we all said before. You are taking a big gamble hiding this from your wife if she happens to stumble on it herself. You success rate for reconciling will be even more diminished. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 At this point, I hope your wife wakes up and sees what you are doing. I don't wish the pain on her, no. I think it's the only way you will stop the affair. You don't seem serious enough about ending it. You don't seem to truly feel badly about what you are doing to her and to your kids by your selfishness. I just don't think you get it. I hope your wife catches you, hands you divorce papers, heals, and finds a guy who loves her and respects her and will treat her like the queen that she is. Shame on you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You don't get out of an affair by making a pledge to the affair partner. You're not even making affront to end it. Why did you deceive us too, about ending this affair? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You don't get out of an affair by making a pledge to the affair partner. You're not even making affront to end it. Why did you deceive us too, about ending this affair? Looking into my crystal ball I can see how OP's future is going to end up. OP will continue the affair then get blind sided when his wife confronts him about it unexpectedly one day. OP will go into defensive mode and minimize what he really did and try to act like nothing really happened. Then the real games begin and his wife will finally see who the real person is who she married. OP's wife will probably file for divorce and his AP won't want anything to do with him anymore and go find a new man to have fun with without the new drama. Good luck OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You make good points, although it was 3 other guys (not that it matters). . I meant 4 other guys besides her husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 You make good points, although it was 3 other guys (not that it matters). I mentioned this to her yesterday and she wanted to make a pledge with me that she'd never have another affair. Yes, I know, you don't even need to say it. You are correct that I should put more effort into my wife. Thanks. Do you get jealous when your AP has sex with her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Do you get jealous when your AP has sex with her husband? Well, I don't know exactly when it happens, per se. But in general yes, I am jealous of that. Where are you going with this? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I mentioned this to her yesterday and she wanted to make a pledge with me that she'd never have another affair. Yes, I know, you don't even need to say it. So does this pledge mean you'll be her last affair? Because from what you've said she loves her extra bit on the side. I don't see that changing for her. I can only interpret that as you two will be affair partners forever. I hope that's not what you mean, because I really thought you wanted to get out of this affair. I'm disappointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 As a bit of an update, I've been trying to find a therapist since yesterday. I live in a rural area. I'm out to a 70 mile radius and everything I've found is either not taking new patients, or specializes in child psychiatry. I haven't given up, but it doesn't make it any easier when after hours on the phone being transferred, on hold, etc, I cannot find a doc to see me even though I'm begging for one right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 So does this pledge mean you'll be her last affair? Because from what you've said she loves her extra bit on the side. I don't see that changing for her. I can only interpret that as you two will be affair partners forever. I hope that's not what you mean, because I really thought you wanted to get out of this affair. I'm disappointed. Please don't tell me you're disappointed. Everybody here just says to go NC. I can't do that right now. But I am making an effort to try to get a doctor to help me. I want a doctor to slap the hell out of me and tell me how much of an idiot I am. I need a person to do that to my face, not words on a screen. I think that will help me. It's like asking a drug addict to simply stop using drugs. I promise it's not that easy. Anybody whose been through this will understand that statement. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 There is one step you can take right this minute, even before you find a therapist. You can STOP COMMUNICATING with your AP. Just stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Please don't tell me you're disappointed. Everybody here just says to go NC. I can't do that right now. But I am making an effort to try to get a doctor to help me. I want a doctor to slap the hell out of me and tell me how much of an idiot I am. I need a person to do that to my face, not words on a screen. I think that will help me. It's like asking a drug addict to simply stop using drugs. I promise it's not that easy. Anybody whose been through this will understand that statement. Many of us have been through it and LIVED!!! It's hard. It's painful. But you say the words to your AP....this has to end now. You just say it, pick yourself up and take it one day at a time.... Keep looking with the therapist....they also do phone sessions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 As a bit of an update, I've been trying to find a therapist since yesterday. I live in a rural area. I'm out to a 70 mile radius and everything I've found is either not taking new patients, or specializes in child psychiatry. I haven't given up, but it doesn't make it any easier when after hours on the phone being transferred, on hold, etc, I cannot find a doc to see me even though I'm begging for one right now. You know most of all, you need to know you are being honest with yourself. As a parent, you teach your child right from wrong. One of my biggest fears of even contemplating an affair, would be how I'd have disappointed my children. How could I ever look at them and expect any respect. I've not had an affair, but the fallout from it is enough to knock me into reality should I ever, ever even entertain such a thought. I know of a man who cheated and left his wife for the OW. He celebrated his 60th birthday and non of his grown up kids went. Everyone was talking about it. He looked so so sad. When it was time for speeches and just a couple of friends and his brother said anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Well, I don't know exactly when it happens, per se. But in general yes, I am jealous of that. Where are you going with this? I guess it was more of a question I wanted to know. I mean it has to be weird falling for a woman who still has a husband she's going home to. The guy who was banging my wife probably had the same exact feelings as you. Link to post Share on other sites
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