Rainbowlove Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I don't know...I hope I'm wrong... But considering you didn't actually end the affair with her and she ended it with you...I don't feel like congratulations are in order yet. If you didn't out right tell her that you are done and why you are done - to go back to your wife and focus on your marriage, she's likely to contact you again... and then what? I don't know...something's not sitting with me right on this one. Edited March 9, 2015 by Rainbowlove 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 As soon as your wife notices your change in behavior, what will you tell her? Not everyone has a change in behaviour. Or he could put it down to stress at work, like a lot of people in his situation do. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I think the individual counselling is the best route for the OP. Just talking things through, hopefully discovering why he chose to have an affair will all be for the best. As for how he ended it - manipulating the AP to end it, well, each to there own. The important thing for the OP is that he ends the affair and rebuilds his marriage. Everyone here has an opinion on what he should do, but he needs to make his choices and go with those. Hopefully all will work out for him and his family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I know it's not important in regards to the discussion at hand, but I have a question for you. If you think she's had more than the 3 affairs (before me) that she's admitted to, why do you think that? Just because she's a cheater? I would contend that she wouldn't have admitted to the 3 prior affairs if her intent was to decieve me about her past/present dealings. She would've acted like it was her first one. At least that's what I would do if I was going to conceal my past. Why admit to a piece of it if you're not gonna admit to all of it? My perception of a woman who's had 3 affairs vs, say, 6 affairs is not any different. They both represent a person with a huge cheating problem. You need to read more about the Cheaters Handbook. The bullsh** translator on chumplady will help. Have a look and see yourself and OW copied and pasted all over that site. OW not admitting ALL to you is straight out of the handbook you all use. I'm surprised you didn't recognize it. It's called "Trickle truthing" or TT. I can't imagine how much of OWs poor chump of a husband has forked out to pay for STD checks and treatments she's also deceived him about. What a "pure gem" wtf are you on? I can't imagine you'd enjoy paying for your "gems" Drs bills plus child support plus trying to nurture all and sundry. Your poor wife. Homeschooling. Working it all for your entitlement. The VERY LEAST you can do is confess to your wife. Then tell her your user name here. I hope your betrayed wife has a degree for her new job and she gets a very good lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) Wonder how Troubled Soul is doing with no contact??? Edited March 13, 2015 by Rainbowlove Link to post Share on other sites
Author troubled soul Posted March 17, 2015 Author Share Posted March 17, 2015 I am sorry to report that the NC did not last. I will be in touch with more details later. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 It did not last. We are currently seeing each other again, I'm disappointed to report. We met up to say our "last goodbyes" and one thing led to another. Apologies were exchanged, kisses given, and new future dates set up. I'm disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I have not been able to locate a counselor that is accepting new bookings, despite having contacted every office covered by my insurance inside a 100 mile radius. I really still feel that face to face counseling is what I need. Sorry to disappoint everyone on this board. I am a weak man that has chosen to continue to act like a child. And I have no integrity left. It was clear you were going to reconnect with her. So from here you continue sneaking around with your OW and lying to your wife. Eventually, the fall out will happen. You'll lose your wife, kids, and home. It's those people who will be disappointed most by your actions, not us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 It was clear you were going to reconnect with her. So from here you continue sneaking around with your OW and lying to your wife. Eventually, the fall out will happen. You'll lose your wife, kids, and home. It's those people who will be disappointed most by your actions, not us. Some people really don't care about that. The feelings they have for their AP are greater than the love they have for there family. They just wont be honest and come out and say that. He will loose his kids and wife but you know its what he deserves. His wife will find a much better man and that man will help raise the kids to be better people. Clay 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Last goodbyes? The last goodbye should have been when you two ended it. You're throwing away a diamond to play with a dirty rock. Break it off again. Don't go on any dates. You made a mistake now the question will be whether you compound it. Good luck, don't quit fighting quit the affair Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Just keep your affair going until the fallout. A different poster whose thread went down to page 2 of this forum section had his just a few days ago, and you're one of the next waywards in that line. Good luck in the divorce; keep some dignity by not fighting her child support demands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 ,,,,,,,sad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Have you told your wife of the latest development? I feel like you are giving yourself a pass by saying I know what I am doing is wrong and I need help, etc... it may soothe you to write it off as being broken but it does not help you become a better person- Good luck- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toots Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 It did not last. We are currently seeing each other again, I'm disappointed to report. We met up to say our "last goodbyes" and one thing led to another. Apologies were exchanged, kisses given, and new future dates set up. I'm disgusted with myself for allowing it to happen. I have not been able to locate a counselor that is accepting new bookings, despite having contacted every office covered by my insurance inside a 100 mile radius. I really still feel that face to face counseling is what I need. Sorry to disappoint everyone on this board. I am a weak man that has chosen to continue to act like a child. And I have no integrity left. You can find someone reputable to counsel you online (using Skype) if there is nobody within driving distance. But a counsellor cannot change your mind, or make your mind up for you. You say you want to get out of the affair but your actions are saying something different. The affair is still feeding your need and so you are not willing to let it go. If you were, a meeting to say "last goodbyes" would not have happened, nor would you have been tempted to exchange kisses or make further plans. You are not yet ready to let the affair go. When you are, it will not be difficult. When I was ready to leave my affair I simply told him it was over and I left. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Sometimes we can't just fight certain feelings, but we can fight how our actions are going to affect others, specially our family. Ok, you love her. Even knowing she's not the kind of woman you would marry or have children with, you love her or is plain addicted to loving her. Your wife and kids don't deserve this. Plain and simple. If you can't fight your feelings, you SHOULD give your wife the truth and let HER choose what's best for her life. You listed her qualities. She's beautiful, sweet, a good mother, she has everything on her hands to be able to find herself someone to care and LOVE HER for real. You are right now blocking her from true happiness and fulfillment by making her living a complete lie. How would you feel if you knew all your wife's actions (kisses, hugs, sweet care etc) towards you were lies? That she was faking it and having another man to warm her in bed while laying by your side at night? You can't control feelings but you can control how they will affect those you love. IMO you should be alone for a while. This other woman is married and is a serial cheater; you are no special cookie for her, you are just AP #4... and you for sure don't love your wife as a woman should be loved by a man, her husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KingwoodMan Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Your AP is not a gem. She's a cheater, therefore, a despicable human being. Like you. That's why you can't see her for what she is. You two sound like you deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I am sorry to report that the NC did not last. I will be in touch with more details later. And this is why both betrayed spouses should be told. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 And this is why both betrayed spouses should be told. I've never believed this before, but this thread is convincing me that you are right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I've never believed this before, but this thread is convincing me that you are right. I don't believe it to be true for every affair - but for some cases it's fitting and has great purpose. I do feel that when an affair partner really wishes to have it end - exposure sure helps the ending to come with greater purpose. It seems to take away that ability to fence sit and eat cake. Link to post Share on other sites
Gutinknots Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I am sorry to report that the NC did not last. I will be in touch with more details later. I too have struggled with trying to end an off again on again 2 year affair. We're both married -he with two young children me with one. On top of it- after all we've been through I can't seem to be strong enough to end it. We no longer work together but it feels like he is stringing me along. I told him I loved him. I did things he said his wife wouldn't do (I know, I'm an idiot). I feel like I would still do anything for him but he has other priorities. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the list. What is wrong with me?? I know I'm a cheat and a liar too and what could I expect? I am looking for help in staying strong. It is so hard and it hurts. I know I deserve it. I'd hate for my family to find out but I am so angry with my ap/ex-ap? for the way I've been hurt. Talk some sense into me please? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 OP Look at a thread started by lionheart in infidelity called telling the kids. Read her first post and see the list her children made following discovery of their dad's affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 I too have struggled with trying to end an off again on again 2 year affair. We're both married -he with two young children me with one. On top of it- after all we've been through I can't seem to be strong enough to end it. We no longer work together but it feels like he is stringing me along. I told him I loved him. I did things he said his wife wouldn't do (I know, I'm an idiot). I feel like I would still do anything for him but he has other priorities. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the list. What is wrong with me?? I know I'm a cheat and a liar too and what could I expect? I am looking for help in staying strong. It is so hard and it hurts. I know I deserve it. I'd hate for my family to find out but I am so angry with my ap/ex-ap? for the way I've been hurt. Talk some sense into me please? Start your own thread. Let Troubledsoul keep this one.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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