getting out of an affair

[beach]

Download "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. That's a start.

 

He's never claimed they are just friends...he's stated well he's in love with a gal that's toxic and he's willing to be with a bad girl over his lovely wife taking care of his home life - making it look perfect - except for what she doesn't know about what he's capable of.

[SolG]

But remember that Glass' work on infidelity in not exclusively about the 'not just friends' dynamic; nor is her work confined to the one book of that title. She has a lot of research and advice all over the shop. Some of which OP would do well to read in order to seek a better understanding.

 

OP, Glass writes of the risk of 'inequity' in marriage. Where a WS is as likely to feel dissatisfied by getting too much, as they are by getting too little from their H/W. You cannot have an equitable marriage when you view your (by all accounts wonderful) wife as sibling or child. Or where you allow her to do all of the marital work and heavy lifting in the relationship. You're the one sitting back and letting that happen. You're the one allowing yourself to wander off in search of... Something... Because you've allowed yourself to coast, taken her for granted, and become under-challenged and under-stimulated in your M.

 

There's always a lot of controversy about the theory that a contributing factor in As is unmet needs in a M. But the reality is that this is true. What is often unexpressed--or lost in the furore--is that it is not your SO's responsibility to meet your needs. Especially if he/she doesn't even know what they are because you haven't even told them or perhaps even lack the insight to know what they are yourself. It's your responsibility to understand and meet each other's needs together. And you, OP, are clearly not participating. The OW in just the means by which you're cementing your abrogation of all responsibility for your relationship with your W, and for your M and the problems of your own making therein.

 

For example... Why do you see your W as a child/sibling (ergo helpless, submissive and not your equal)? And also why do your elevate her 'goodness' to a level that doesn't allow you to interract with her in a way that a real, earthy love-worthy woman deserves to be interacted with (ergo truly loved in all ways)? And then the more difficult questions... Why do you allow youself to view her this way? And how do you change your view, and your behaviour to make your M all it can and should be? And can you?

 

My illustrative questions may be off track for your particular context OP... But my point is that too many fall into the trap of assuaging their lack of fulfilment and/or satisfaction in their M with an A, without even bothering to examine the source of those feelings within themselves. If they did, there would be far fewer As. Because they would probably find the answers and fixes right there within reach with their Hs/Ws.

 

And that answer and fix may end up being divorce. But at least that would be pain wrought through integrity and trying and the collateral damage would be minimised.

 

IMO you don't need a therapist to slap you and tell you you're acting idiotically. You already know that. What you need to know is why. You have a far better chance of stopping something you understand.

 

Sorry for the rant. But this is very reminiscent of a recent coversation with my xMM; and that's still all quite raw.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for OP. But first I hope you find out what it is that you're truly looking for.

Edited March 6, 2015 by SolG

[autumnnight]

But remember that Glass' work on infidelity in not exclusively about the 'not just friends' dynamic; nor is her work confined to the one book of that title. She has a lot of research and advice all over the shop. Some of which OP would do well to read in order to seek a better understanding.

 

OP, Glass writes of the risk of 'inequity' in marriage. Where a WS is as likely to feel dissatisfied by getting too much, as they are by getting too little from their H/W. You cannot have an equitable marriage when you view your (by all accounts wonderful) wife as sibling or child. Or where you allow her to do all of the marital work and heavy lifting in the relationship. You're the one sitting back and letting that happen. You're the one allowing yourself to wander off in search of... Something... Because you've allowed yourself to coast, taken her for granted, and become under-challenged and under-stimulated in your M.

 

There's always a lot of controversy about the theory that a contributing factor in As is unmet needs in a M. But the reality is that this is true. What is often unexpressed--or lost in the furore--is that it is not your SO's responsibility to meet your needs. Especially if he/she doesn't even know what they are because you haven't even told them or perhaps even lack the insight to know what they are yourself. It's your responsibility to understand and meet each other's needs together. And you, OP, are clearly not participating. The OW in just the means by which you're cementing your abrogation of all responsibility for your relationship with your W, and for your M and the problems of your own making therein.

 

For example... Why do you see your W as a child/sibling (ergo helpless, submissive and not your equal)? And also why do your elevate her 'goodness' to a level that doesn't allow you to interract with her in a way that a real, earthy love-worthy woman deserves to be interacted with (ergo truly loved in all ways)? And then the more difficult questions... Why do you allow youself to view her this way? And how do you change your view, and your behaviour to make your M all it can and should be? And can you?

 

My illustrative questions may be off track for your particular context OP... But my point is that too many fall into the trap of assuaging their lack of fulfilment and/or satisfaction in their M with an A, without even bothering to examine the source of those feelings within themselves. If they did, there would be far fewer As. Because they would probably find the answers and fixes right there within reach with their Hs/Ws.

 

And that answer and fix may end up being divorce. But at least that would be pain wrought through integrity and trying and the collateral damage would be minimised.

 

IMO you don't need a therapist to slap you and tell you you're acting idiotically. You already know that. What you need to know is why. You have a far better chance of stopping something you understand.

 

Sorry for the rant. But this is very reminiscent of a recent coversation with my xMM; and that's still all quite raw.

 

I hope you find what you're looking for OP. But first I hope you find out what it is that you're truly looking for.

 

 

I like the idea of this book as well. I know several people here only think there is one right book for infidelity, but this one really goes into the lies people tell themselves during those 100 wrong steps on the WAY to an A.

[troubled soul]

We broke up this morning. I can't really talk about it right now.

 

I'm in gut wrenching pain right now.

 

I'd like to ask for your support going forward. It's going to be a hard road ahead.

 

Thanks to all who have helped me get to this point.

[Rainbowlove]

We broke up this morning. I can't really talk about it right now.

 

I'm in gut wrenching pain right now.

 

I'd like to ask for your support going forward. It's going to be a hard road ahead.

 

Thanks to all who have helped me get to this point.

 

For what it's worth, I'm proud of you.

 

You are brave for ending it. I know it hurts like hell...but it was the right thing to do....

 

Block her number, if you are strong enough.

 

Try to call a T too.

 

Sorry for your pain...I remember well the pit in your gut. It stings.

 

Your road ahead is long, but so was mine...so was many of ours...

 

One minute at a time here.

 

One step at a time here.

 

One day at a time here.

 

Don't look too far a head right now.

 

You can do this.

[truncated]

We broke up this morning. I can't really talk about it right now.

 

I'm in gut wrenching pain right now.

 

I'd like to ask for your support going forward. It's going to be a hard road ahead.

 

Thanks to all who have helped me get to this point.

 

 

Do you have any "real life" friends who you can really trust and talk to about this? Virtual support is great, but there are times when an actual person is what's needed.

[jackslife]

It is exceptionally painful. (Some counsellors even recommend taking anti depressants for a few weeks to help get over an affair break up.)

 

All you can tell yourself is that you are doing the right thing. One thing to be aware of is that your change of mood will be quickly picked up by your wife.

 

There is good advice on several sites on how to get over the end of a relationship. Take plenty of exercise, try and leave the booze alone (it's a depressant and will only make you feel worse), see your counsellor.

 

It's also recommended you don't take any important decisions over the next 3 weeks.

 

Like all of these things it starts bad but will get better.

[Rainbowlove]

The real hard work now is staying No Contact.

 

You'll have urges to contact her to relieve your pain, but it's a temporary relief of pain...that does nothing to fix the problem. Contact at this point only prolongs the hurt, confusion and it gets in the way of any real movement forward.

 

Tell yourself DO NOT CONTACT her for anything.

 

You'll make up excuses to contact her. She's fine. Even if she's not fine, she has her own healing to do and you can't help her with that. She can't help you with your healing either.

 

Do not contact her again.

[onemanband]

Just wanted to say , proud of you it takes a strong person to do what you have done

[Mr. Lucky]

It's also recommended you don't make any important decisions over the next 3 weeks.

 

Nor should your wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

Keep yourself distracted. Replace that addiction feeling with a healthier habit.

 

I'll tell you how I quit my Ben & Jerry's habit. I told myself whenever I had the urge to buy a pint or two or three and go home to eat it all by myself, I would buy a pair of cheap sunglasses instead.

 

What's funny is, I was so happy with the first pair I bought, I didn't buy another. And I didn't buy Ben & Jerry's again either.

[beach]

I'm glad to see a decision to set things right. That's a great step in the right direction.

 

Stay strong - it's not an easy road you will travel.

 

I'll be here to support you in doing what's right.

 

I'm sorry for your pain but I do believe you are now trying to do the right thing.

 

For what it's worth - I mainly only get proud of myself for accomplishing things that are completely difficult. The hard is what makes it worth it.

 

Yes, this will be hard but I hope you will continue doing what's right so you can gain back your self pride.

 

Hugs

[MissLilly]

I was a bit harsh on you a few times but I came here to say that I'm very proud of you as others stated. You did the right thing. Remain NC, avoid anything that reminds her in your life. Stay strong. Much love to you and your family.

[troubled soul]

Do you have any "real life" friends who you can really trust and talk to about this? Virtual support is great, but there are times when an actual person is what's needed.

 

 

As of now, I've never told a soul about this. I have a trusted friend that I know I could discuss this with, but I'm not sure I want to burden him with the drama. If I feel like that's my only option, I will use it. But until then, I'm going to lean on this board for support.

[troubled soul]

It is exceptionally painful. (Some counsellors even recommend taking anti depressants for a few weeks to help get over an affair break up.)

 

All you can tell yourself is that you are doing the right thing. One thing to be aware of is that your change of mood will be quickly picked up by your wife.

 

There is good advice on several sites on how to get over the end of a relationship. Take plenty of exercise, try and leave the booze alone (it's a depressant and will only make you feel worse), see your counsellor.

 

It's also recommended you don't take any important decisions over the next 3 weeks.

 

Like all of these things it starts bad but will get better.

 

Thanks for the advice on the meds. I had an old Lexapro prescription from years past that I dug up and I've started on them.

 

You are also correct that my wife picked up on my mood change immediately. I was trying my best to mask it, but she knows me too well. Hopefully the meds will help.

[troubled soul]

Thank you everyone for your support. This is more difficult than I had imagined.

[beach]

Was it you that ended it? What did you tell your W was the reason for your mood change?

 

I don't recommend taking any meds without a dr monitoring how it affects you.

 

I hope you can deal with your pain head on instead of masking how you really feel by covering up feelings by getting numb.

[autumnnight]

Was it you that ended it? What did you tell your W was the reason for your mood change?

 

I don't recommend taking any meds without a dr monitoring how it affects you.

 

I hope you can deal with your pain head on instead of masking how you really feel by covering up feelings by getting numb.

 

THIS

 

No matter how well-intentioned, for situation depression, popping a pill instead of processing just tends to postpone the inevitable.

[Majormisstep]

Hugs to you Troubled. As hard as it is, that was the right thing to do. Keep posting here for support. There's a long road ahead and staying NC is going to be a challenge.

 

You are off the roller coaster now. It will take a bit of time to find your feet again, then when you do, start by taking one step at a time. It will be ok

[troubled soul]

Was it you that ended it? What did you tell your W was the reason for your mood change?

 

I don't recommend taking any meds without a dr monitoring how it affects you.

 

I hope you can deal with your pain head on instead of masking how you really feel by covering up feelings by getting numb.

 

 

Well, I sort of "caused" it to end, but she actually said the words, that she wanted to end it. I used the information in this thread to pose some very pointed questions to her, which led to her breaking up with me, which was the expected result of the line of questioning. So it's a win-win. I didn't have to do the breaking up...and I got out of it, just like I wanted.

 

And I stopped taking the pills. Don't need 'em anyway. I think the best medicine for me is just keeping my mind busy doing other things.

[Mr. Lucky]

So it's a win-win. I didn't have to do the breaking up...and I got out of it, just like I wanted.

 

Have you noticed you avoid the hard personal work involved in promoting healthy relationships and outcomes with the people around you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

Well, I sort of "caused" it to end, but she actually said the words, that she wanted to end it. I used the information in this thread to pose some very pointed questions to her, which led to her breaking up with me, which was the expected result of the line of questioning. So it's a win-win. I didn't have to do the breaking up...and I got out of it, just like I wanted.

 

And I stopped taking the pills. Don't need 'em anyway. I think the best medicine for me is just keeping my mind busy doing other things.

 

Conflict avoidant to the last...

[troubled soul]

Have you noticed you avoid the hard personal work involved in promoting healthy relationships and outcomes with the people around you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Conflict avoidant to the last...

 

touche' .......

[beach]

Well, I sort of "caused" it to end, but she actually said the words, that she wanted to end it. I used the information in this thread to pose some very pointed questions to her, which led to her breaking up with me, which was the expected result of the line of questioning. So it's a win-win. I didn't have to do the breaking up...and I got out of it, just like I wanted.

 

And I stopped taking the pills. Don't need 'em anyway. I think the best medicine for me is just keeping my mind busy doing other things.

 

How about therapy for you?

 

Maybe to address why you cheated - why you put ending it onto the OW - and why the need to have that desire to take a pill to cover up the pain instead of explore that "feeling".

[No Limit]

As soon as your wife notices your change in behavior, what will you tell her?