getting out of an affair

[onemanband]

To put it nice you are a damn fool

[onemanband]

This is just a thought ........ You and her move in together and u tell her to do the dishes,cook,clean ect real life kicks in guess what now you are the bs cause you weren't the first and u won't be the last you can take that to the bank

 

Realize what you have at home. The problem with a affair is when you think it's over it tend to show it's ugly head in some form or fashion

[stillcold]

OP, I'm going to be harsh for the sake of waking you up to make the right choice.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you are at this present moment: a weak man with no character or morals. You are in love with a sociopath, narcissist, a whore, and all because of your temporal and fleshly lusts. How could you stoop so low? You say it's because of love, well bull sh**, grow a pair and do the right thing. Because of your fleshly lusts, you have disrespected your wife and family and lost yourself as a man in the process. Look at how weak you are, coming here and asking for the courage and push to do the right thing. Stop justifying your immorality and go home to your family. It's because of people like you that families are ruined, and you need to wake up and see what fire you are playing with.

 

Do the right thing and end it now. If not, live with the fact that you are a weak and immoral man without self-control that succumbs to his fleshly lusts. That can all change if you decide to be the good man TODAY.

[troubled soul]

OP, I'm going to be harsh for the sake of waking you up to make the right choice.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you are at this present moment: a weak man with no character or morals. You are in love with a sociopath, narcissist, a whore, and all because of your temporal and fleshly lusts. How could you stoop so low? You say it's because of love, well bull sh**, grow a pair and do the right thing. Because of your fleshly lusts, you have disrespected your wife and family and lost yourself as a man in the process. Look at how weak you are, coming here and asking for the courage and push to do the right thing. Stop justifying your immorality and go home to your family. It's because of people like you that families are ruined, and you need to wake up and see what fire you are playing with.

 

Do the right thing and end it now. If not, live with the fact that you are a weak and immoral man without self-control that succumbs to his fleshly lusts. That can all change if you decide to be the good man TODAY.

 

Thanks for your advice. But so you really feel it's fair to call her a whore? I disagree with that statement.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for your advice. But so you really feel it's fair to call her a whore? I disagree with that statement.

 

Um...

 

You have got to open up your eyes. Your judgement is really impaired here.

[jm2013]

Thanks for your advice. But so you really feel it's fair to call her a whore? I disagree with that statement.

 

Why do you think she is still married to her husband? Because she loves him? She must be giving her husband some good duty sex over the course of how many years? I'm sure she is there duty sexing her husband so she can enjoy the wealth he's providing and enjoy the casual encounters with you and whoever else at the same time.

[stellamaria]

OP - as a female that has recently come out of an affair.

 

The doublethink, the ambivalence, all of that. It hurts, but it's exhilerating, it causes a chemical rush that is hard to ignore. Right now, you don't feel too bad about your wife, and that's because you're stuck in the fog. But no good can come out of this. The OW wouldn't want you, long term, and even if she did - look at her, she'd cheat on you before the ink on your divorce papers had dried, she'd probably even find better than you. You're both cheats, it could never work.

 

But it needs to end. If you end it now, you can fix your marriage. It's gonna hurt, but it's a million times better to end it and still have your wife there, than it would be if you continued and you have the risk of choosing everything.

 

My affair has ended and I'm in torment - I can't believe I could hurt my husband so badly, taint our marriage so much just for a guy who wasn't worth it at all (he's a narcissist too, and he moved on from me just like that, 20 years of friendship gone).

 

I wish I'd known, really known, trusted and believed, before the affair started, that it would end like this. I mean it's obvious it's not going to end well, everyone says so, but you think you can defy the stark facts and you simply can't. It will end for you too, and it will hurt. Make the hurt less by doing it now.

 

I think the fact you're posting here at all proves you care, you're in too deep, and you want help to get out. Block the narcissist whore, she will hurt you badly, and if you lose your wife too you will be doubly and deeply hurt for a long long time.

[jm2013]

Let's put affairs aside right now. IF you were single what value would you see in this woman besides getting your rocks off? I know I'd treat her exactly how she likes to be treated for a good night romp. It is actually impressive that you have somehow acquired feelings for this other woman somehow and have even elevated them above your wife, the mother of your children who is taking care of your house, kids and whatever else while you're doing all of this. Such a sad story.

[No Limit]

Maybe slightly dramatic in the "destroying everyone you ever loved".

 

As you will find out at some point; no, it's not overdramatic in description. Many lose everything due to an affair. Search for the threads of peaksandvalleys, she threw her wayward husband out and even though it's been some time now he's still continuing with his delusions. In a different forum a man wailed about how he informed his wife about his affair and wanted an open marriage; she agreed, fell in love with her secondary partner and moved across the country to be with him officially and gets the divorce rolling herself. In the meantime old husband's AP turns out to be the nasty type and for a few months of thrill he lost his house, his wife and his daughter who he sees only a few times per year anymore.

 

Your posts read like a pendulum; one moment you are pro-affair, the next you feel bad about it. You're still "on the fence" and as long as you aren't knocked off from it you won't pick because it's more comfortable to continue. In the end it'll be your family - that includes your very own children - that will be the price. A single mistake and the world as you know it will turn upside down, and not for the better. But as long as you're taking everything for granted - although your anti-affair posts show that there's a little voice in your head screaming at you to stop, a voice you will remember after D-Day - there is no hope. Your life is a minefield and you're standing right in the middle of it while a serial cheater is blindfolding you.

Edited February 27, 2015 by No Limit

[sandylee1]

Cut the guy some slack about guilt. He's on here looking for help. Is he wrong? Absolutely. He's telling the truth He is limerant and pouring his heart out.

 

He is trying and wants to do the right thing. He's telling you how hard it is going to be for him. Does he deserve any sympathy? No, but stop kicking him while he's down.

 

I know a lot of you were BS and are BS at people who've had affairs. But don't take your bad experience out on the guy.

 

And DO NOT tell your wife. Why hurt her if you don't have to. Just commit 100% to your wife today and hope for the best.

 

I'm tired of the "tell your spouse they need to know...." Um, no they don't. Why permanently damage and scar someone if you can avoid it. Don't compound being a lousy spouse by rubbing it in. Just don't cross the line anymore. Run from this train wreck

 

I'm sure I've infuriated about 95% of the people on this thread. I respect your opinion but don't agree. I hope your respect mine

 

I am not a BS nor am I a WS . I'm just trying to make the OP see where this affair could lead him. Do you know that besides financial motive, infidelity is up there with the motive behind spousal homicide.

 

Nobody thinks it will happen to them, until it's too late. If the OP was even saying he and OW were in love, it would be a different case. She's a serial cheater and He's just another Conquest. At some point you have to ask where and how it will end.

[Casa]

One of the saddest things my husband said post dday was he just realized he had stopped looking at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth during the affair. He didn't realize he was doing that, not physically looking at himself in the morning. He had allowed himself to become someone he could not bear to face in a quiet moment alone. Are you there? Would you know if you were?

Classic line from Mm ..... also the crying.. '' im so sorry what I did to you.... (im So sad I miss my AP... And I am trying to get over it but can't let you see. '

[No Limit]

At some point you have to ask where and how it will end.

 

Badly. Very badly. No need to tell horror stories in an infidelity forum!

[stillcold]

Thanks for your advice. But so you really feel it's fair to call her a whore? I disagree with that statement.

 

If she's not a whore, then can you tell me what she exactly is? And can you also define for me what "whore" means?

[onemanband]

Hey you are right your wife is too good for you so get with the lady your in lust with and when she need another ego boost you'll be put back in the box like all things that are new then get old. She just keeps getting a new model you are version 5.0 your like a iPhone people are fine until the new one comes out

[onemanband]

t.s if you had to choose between your wife and the ow which one would you pick and why would you pick that one I would really like to see what's on your mind

[Cali408]

Listen to Rainbow. You don't need therapy. She's been in an affair and gotten out. She's right and on a mission to help you.

 

What have you done today and yesterday to end it? I'm sure you spoke to your goddess today didn't you? Weren't feeling so guilty when you communicated.

 

We're 10 pages deep into this thread which started admirably but now you're feeling sorry for yourself. This ain't no pity party. You asked for advice, you got it. Stop procrastinating, end it.

 

By the way if your wife was on the cheating side of town, you'd be happy because it would give you the excuse for your bad behavior.

 

I'm begging you, take from us who've been there. I was a WS. Repeat WAS. I'm on here because it's the same old story.

 

Take it away Rainbow!

[Rainbowlove]

Listen to Rainbow. You don't need therapy. She's been in an affair and gotten out. She's right and on a mission to help you.

 

What have you done today and yesterday to end it? I'm sure you spoke to your goddess today didn't you? Weren't feeling so guilty when you communicated.

 

We're 10 pages deep into this thread which started admirably but now you're feeling sorry for yourself. This ain't no pity party. You asked for advice, you got it. Stop procrastinating, end it.

 

By the way if your wife was on the cheating side of town, you'd be happy because it would give you the excuse for your bad behavior.

 

I'm begging you, take from us who've been there. I was a WS. Repeat WAS. I'm on here because it's the same old story.

 

Take it away Rainbow!

 

The truth about affairs is they are like every other addiction. One doesn't want to kick the habit until they hit rock bottom.

 

I've quit a smoking addiction. I've stepped away from booze for a time period in my life, but nothing compares to power of affair addiction. The affair drags you down just like a junkie on heroin. You become a liar for the drug, you'd steal if you had to, you don't care what the price is you have to pay for your next fix, you'll pay it. You'll risk your life for it. You'll crap all over everything that once mattered to you most just to get it. You eventually no longer recognize yourself or like yourself. You are a junkie for the high.

 

You know it's no good for you, but you can't stop until you hit rock bottom.

 

He's not there yet. I think he has a long way before he gets there. He may only get there after its too late.

 

It's the wife and kids I really feel for here. They have no idea the bomb that is about to be dropped on their life bc daddy is a junkie.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[beach]

Is there a discreet place I can get checked? Obviously the family doc is not an option.

 

Any clinic/urgent care - pay cash.

 

That you even entertain the OW and allow her to consume your thoughts over your W is evidence of extremely poor choices for yourself - that is what I think therapy could help you with = your self destructive choices.

Edited February 27, 2015 by beach

[Furious]

I don't know why I would judge her so harshly. But the thought of her with another guy disgusts me. I'm sure she would feel the same about me with another woman.

 

The hypocrisy is outstanding. The thought of your wife cheating on you disgusts you. Yet, you're cheating with a married woman.

 

It's obvious you are chauvinist who does not understand true love and intimacy.

 

I feel sorry for your wife and kids, you're a fraud.

[stillcold]

The hypocrisy is outstanding. The thought of your wife cheating on you disgusts you. Yet, you're cheating with a married woman.

 

It's obvious you are chauvinist who does not understand true love and intimacy.

 

I feel sorry for your wife and kids, you're a fraud.

 

Well said. If only the OP realized how low he is, then MAYBE even then he would be able to make the right choice. Hopefully it won't have to take him losing everything to realize that.

[gettingstronger]

I see from your posts you are really trying to work through this and you are listening and reading and trying- here is my story because the similarities between your OW and our OW are striking- (much of this is hindsight so I am sorry if it is hard to follow)

 

Our OW was also a serial cheater- painted herself as "more like a guy" in that she could take or leave the affair and was in it for the excitement, etc.. (you'll see the truth at the end of the story)- she dressed to the nines, claimed to have an amazing job, claimed to be well loved in her community, claimed to be a loving, caring Mother- she was very exciting for my husband to be around-she would at her own expense fly out to meet him on his business trips-how could 3 days and 2 nights in a hotel room on an expense account not be exciting-she sexted him when they were apart-

 

THEN- one day she snapped I guess-saw a picture of our family at our ski house- sent me an anon text with the name my husband had her under in his cell phone-then sent him some pretty revealing texts-I checked his phone while he was skiing with my younger son and found the texts-boom- all of our lives fell apart-

 

I confronted my husband-gave him a free pass to leave and I would be as fair as possible financially and never disclose to our kids, family or friends what happened and he could go be with her-he freaked, no way, he wanted me-he couldn't believe what he had done, etc... I made him offer to see her in person to say goodbye (or hello if he wanted to change his mind) She declined-

 

That was nearly 2 years ago- since then she has intruded in our lives regularly- sending their texts, emails, etc... to me-even a pair of her used undies (don't ask)-today marks 71 days in a row she has called anon and hung up on my phone-she even OD'd and ended up having an organ transplant but when she got out of the hospital, the intrusions started back up- we have done everything legally possible to no avail-

 

My husband in the last two years since dday has- started and now kicked a serious addiction issue, cried, vomited and freaked at therapy coming face to face with what he has done-been in and out of a depressive state- we have done all we can to hide it from the kids, but they know, they just do that something is wrong and Dad is the one to blame-

 

My life has been upside down- I am doing better but am forever damaged and changed at the hands of the man that promised to take care of and love me-he has to live with that everyday-

 

On paper I am way out of my husbands league but none of that ever mattered to me- I love him and I felt lucky to be married to him-

 

So, my point- you are heading for a brick wall- think on it- start now minimizing the damage you have already caused to yourself and your family AND my bet is your OW is not even close to what you think she is-she is not worth whats coming at you-

 

Keep reading, keep thinking and please-get some counseling- I wish you all the luck in the world because I think you got in way over your head but inside you are worthy of redemption-

 

Take Care-

[sandylee1]

Badly. Very badly. No need to tell horror stories in an infidelity forum!

 

These 'stories' are directly related to infidelity. That's the very point I'm making. You can't separate the act of infidelity from the potential consequences.

[gettingstronger]

These 'stories' are directly related to infidelity. That's the very point I'm making. You can't separate the act of infidelity from the potential consequences.

 

 

I have to agree with this- I don't understand the resistance of other posters to people sharing-the OP is responding well to stories of others, he seems to be listening and interested in them- sadly, so many of our stories are so similar and there is a lot to gain from sharing "horror stories"-

[beach]

I'm certain my exH thought I would NEVER divorce him. To most, we had the perfect life.

 

It all came crashing down when I found receipts for gifts he had bought for her - he planned to give to her on his "business trip". I then searched his trunk to find all the beautifully wrapped gifts stashed and waiting.

 

When he drove away that day to meet her I sadly waved goodbye to him knowing our life was completely over.

 

His lies and betrayal changed the man I THOUGHT I knew. He was a blatant liar and a cheater, greedy to the extreme of ruining a great life for many people. He always needed more. I didn't know this man at all. And on his drive back home a few days later I told him not to bother coming home - the locks had been changed, all money was moved to my name and I would divorce him. He was shocked I knew and shocked for years that I divorced him.

 

23 years changed in a moments notice. I had a firm boundary that I had stated perfectly clear and he crossed it. No love can fix that kind of betrayal. The lies were the worst part. Not being able to trust has taken years to get over.

 

He still says ten years later I was the perfect wife. But I'll never go back...I deserve so much more than that. He's a broken man that needs help. His level of pretending wasn't worth saving the M for.

 

 

Don't think she won't find out. Don't think she won't divorce you.

 

 

 

How did you meet your OW? How do you meet with her?

[aliveagain]

I think if I caught her having an affair, I would almost certainly divorce her. I think it would probably haunt me too much for me to ever reconcile with her. I'm a pretty possessive person. I would feel like my property had been violated and it would be really tough for me to get over that.

 

 

Cheaters are the most jealous people on the planet. For two years my now ex laid on her back for O/M yet she wouldn't allow me to hire a secretary without approving her first. If she was attractive the answer was always no. I wasn't allowed to take them for lunch. That's one of the signs of infidelity, being over the top jealous of your spouse. Just so you know even though you think your getting away with your affair, she may be on to you and just gathering evidence. You should search out Sofie's posts, may give you some insight regarding your own infidelity.