getting out of an affair

[troubled soul]

It has to be incredibly stressful to juggle both of your identities.

 

 

It has become an unbearable struggle. It is destroying my soul.

[Rainbowlove]

It has become an unbearable struggle. It is destroying my soul.

 

This is a good indicator it's time to end it.

 

Loss of self worth, dignity, respect and soul...sounds like you are ready to me.

[troubled soul]

Elementary my dear Watson.

 

The infidelity multiplier is a mental tool you have to use when dealing with a cheater.

 

If she says there have been 4 other men, this means there have been at least 9, and one of them used to play in the NBA.

 

When she says she used condoms with all of them, what this really means is she was raw-dogged by all of them, and probably by two at the same time.

 

When she says she loves you, what she means is the second her husband finds out, she will lie to him, drop you like an angry cat, and never look back.

 

When she says you are amazing in bed, what she means is " I am amazing in bed, and you are lucky to get some of this."

 

When she says her husband is a jerk, what she means is she doesn't deserve him, and she knows it.

 

When she says what you have is special, what she means is she needs the amount of constant attention and praise and adoration typically lavished on 6 year olds.

 

 

 

As for the world of hurt you're headed to...well, it can come in many forms. Some of them are:

 

1. your wife finding out. Hopefully not because of any painful red blisters on her nether regions. Oh man, you think narcissism is bad, wait til you deal with a woman who doesn't actually care if you live or die anymore!

 

2. is her husband finding out, and deciding he wants to know how your face will react to repeated punching. ( My only regret about kicking OM's ass was that amazingly, nobody had a cell phone going, so I don't have the You Tube footage of him begging for his life. If this happens again, I will wear a GoPro camera. )

 

3. This is your entire network of friends and family finding out after your "ex" wife puts you on blast via Facebook. Good times...

 

Wow. Just wow. I'm going to read that over a few times. Let it sink in. Thanks.

[troubled soul]

I have no idea why I feel the need to mention this. But her husband's dog was a gift to her from a prior AP back in 2009. The husband has no idea the dog was given to him by a man that his wife screwed. I feel like if I found out my wife did that to me, I would be tempted to murder her.

[Rainbowlove]

I have no idea why I feel the need to mention this. But her husband's dog was a gift to her from a prior AP back in 2009. The husband has no idea the dog was given to him by a man that his wife screwed. I feel like if I found out my wife did that to me, I would be tempted to murder her.

 

She sound like a real piece of work.

 

One day you'll look back at this time in your life and regret ever crossing paths with this woman.

 

But you need to dig down deep and figure out why you went there in the first place.

 

You have a long road a head of you.

[jm2013]

I have no idea why I feel the need to mention this. But her husband's dog was a gift to her from a prior AP back in 2009. The husband has no idea the dog was given to him by a man that his wife screwed. I feel like if I found out my wife did that to me, I would be tempted to murder her.

 

You exhibit some empathy but seem to be dwelling on an un-existent love you have for this other woman. You are in love with the sex she gives you. Real love is helping raise children and doing dishes or folding laundry or cleaning the crapper. You're tied up in a fantasy and you're deeply hurting your wife. It's like you've detonated a nuke on your family and everybody will eventually be having to live in that fallout for years. It deforms you and almost kills you but you can survive under the right conditions. You are also setting yourself up to get played by the OW. Usually it is reversed. The guy usually grabs a piece a bails. You seem to have done this in reverse.

[troubled soul]

You are also setting yourself up to get played by the OW. Usually it is reversed. The guy usually grabs a piece a bails. You seem to have done this in reverse.

 

Can you elaborate on this comment?

[miseenscene]

I said you destroyed your marriage, well, because you did. I know you don't plan on revealing this to your wife but chances are your wife has already become somewhat suspicious of you. I'm sure there are strong signs that you've distanced yourself from her and I'm sure she can feel that and wonders why. Your wife will find out. Maybe not today or tomorrow but believe me, that cat will be let out of the bag. You're going to have to ask yourself if it is better coming out of your mouth or worse if she happens to stumble on some incriminating evidence about your affair.

 

While I don't agree with the above poster that your wife will necessarily find out--she may not--especially since you say you are overcompensating out of guilt, rather than withdrawing--I agree that you did destroy your marriage already. Not in the sense that the affair is a time bomb that will go off at some point, but in the sense that you put yourself in a catch-22 situation. A truly intimate marriage cannot accommodate this kind of secret that, since you don't plan on telling your wife, you would carry with you for the rest of your time together. You will always be lying to her, even when you stop actively lying to her. And you will always know that you are lying to her. The marriage will be between your wife and a false self that you present to her. And the other option is to reveal this to her, which would create the possibility for honesty going forward, but, unlike many on these forums, I think that most marriages don't survive and flourish after a revelation of an affair, especially an affair that is both a physical and an emotional one, and especially since it does not sound like you are still in love with your wife. Now, if you don't care about true intimacy and connection in your marriage, sure, your marriage may not be "destroyed"--you may never get found out and you will compartmentalize your lying and go on living together--but you are already in a situation where a lack of a true romantic intimacy (you say you feel like you love your wife as a relative more than a romantic partner) led you to have an affair. Singing up for decades of lying will exacerbate the loneliness you seem to be feeling in your marriage. Why are you so sure that it would never happen again if the fundamental problems that led you to it are not fixed, and, in fact, are amplified? It sounds like your mind and your heart/body are not on the same page, and you think that if you can just use your mind to overpower the other two and repress their needs, everything will be peachy. But it does not work that way, at least not on the long-term. I think getting into counseling is good. Whatever the outcome of that is, it should help you bring your mind and your heart onto the same page. Whatever the right option is--whether it is telling your wife and trying to built a stronger, more open marriage, if you still want that kind of closeness with her--or ending your marriage--it's not going to stop being the right option just because you metaphorically stick your head under the blankets and say "if I just pretend like it does not exist, it will go away." It won't. By the way I agree that you should stop this affair, it is clearly making you miserable--but you should not stop thinking about what it is showing you about yourself and what you need and what you are missing.

[jm2013]

Can you elaborate on this comment?

 

Meaning your mistress is using you for something. This is self evident through per hast affair partners. You are just a number on her list. I think you got sucked right in and developed extra feelings for her. I'm sure you're not the only one either. I think in the future when it all fails with your AP you'll come to a realization it all wasn't worth it and wish you had a time machine for a redo. I also meant it is typically the guy wooing women into the affair to release their tanks in them and call it a day.

[Casa]

You exhibit some empathy but seem to be dwelling on an un-existent love you have for this other woman. You are in love with the sex she gives you. Real love is helping raise children and doing dishes or folding laundry or cleaning the crapper. You're tied up in a fantasy and you're deeply hurting your wife. It's like you've detonated a nuke on your family and everybody will eventually be having to live in that fallout for years. It deforms you and almost kills you but you can survive under the right conditions. You are also setting yourself up to get played by the OW. Usually it is reversed. The guy usually grabs a piece a bails. You seem to have done this in reverse.

Real love is doing dishes lol

 

There will always be someone here saying you don't love your AP

 

I will tell you that the situation makes you crazy after a time and your OW will react in crazy ways because of that. But see how much your wife is fab when she finds out. Because the bit that's missing is being filled by OW. And that's not just sex it's intimacy.

[Rainbowlove]

 

There will always be someone here saying you don't love your AP

 

I will tell you that the situation makes you crazy after a time and your OW will react in crazy ways because of that. But see how much your wife is fab when she finds out. Because the bit that's missing is being filled by OW. And that's not just sex it's intimacy.

 

I do think there are affair relationships that are real love.

 

This is not the case with the man's affair. His OW is not capable of real love. She has a dark past filled with a long line of failed relationships and a clear inability to be monogamous and faithful to anyone.

 

It's only a matter of time before she tosses him aside like the rest.

[aliveagain]

Hello. I am a married man with two young children. I have been having an affair with a married woman who also has two children for almost one year. I'm sick and tired of the roller coaster of emotions I feel. I love her, and I love being with her, but then I feel really bad when I'm not and I know she's with her husband.

 

Although I am in love with this woman, and she with me, I cannot continue to do this to myself. It is literally self-torture.

 

Reasons this is so hard for me to stop:

 

1. My marriage was in the ditch when the affair started. Since the affair began, my marriage has turned around 180 degrees. I'm in a good place with my wife now. She says I'm a different person. My concern is, that if I quit the affair, I'll regress back to the same person I was before and not treat her as well as she deserves. The guilt of the affair has caused me to treat her like a queen.

 

2. The woman I'm in love with is just perfection. I know you've heard it all before, but she's truly a gem. I know I will not, in my lifetime, meet another person who I can connect with like her. That's what's so hard to give up.

 

3. The sex is incredible.

 

4. She treats me like her boyfriend. And it's just fun to be around her.

 

 

 

Reasons I need to stop:

 

1. She is a selfish type of person. She has had two physical affairs and one emotional affair prior to this one. She has never been caught by her husband.

 

2. She is the biggest narcissist I've ever met. She is constantly bragging on herself, how good she looks, how funny she is, etc. She literally thinks every man wants her. It's annoying as hell.

 

3. The fact that she's had the other affairs haunts me. It makes me feel like a chump, that I'm the 4th guy she's cheated on her husband with. I think if I was the first, I would feel differently. But I mean come on, she's a serial cheater. She even admits to "throwing out the bait" to me and the other guys she screwed. And to top that off, she still has business relations with the first guy she had an affair with. And she is facebook friends with him. Which annoys the hell out of me.

 

4. She's not a very nurturing person. Most women are thought of as being nurturers, caretakers, etc. She is not. She cares about herself mainly.

 

 

Listen to me. I know I need to quit the affair. Now I need a kick in the ass to get the willpower up to do it. I still love her. I don't know if you've ever walked away from love, but it's incredibly hard to do.

 

Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.

 

She sounds like a keeper. I would bet money she is banging you and other man number 1 who she still has business dealings with. I will bet a lot of money that you have unprotected sex with her. They always lie about using protection. You have put your wife at a very high level of risk, we see it happen here all the time. Some wayward spouses are carriers, they don't get the STD but their spouse does. You are guy number 5 if you count her husband and if she isn't using protection with you she isn't using protection with them.

 

Your living in a fantasy world, your relationship with your wife is not better because of your infidelity, it's better because your paying attention to your wife. Imagine how good your marriage would be if you weren't giving the affection that should be going to your wife to other women. There is only one way out of this and that is by truth. Just as you know about other men, they probably know about you. It won't take long for all of this to unravel because you can't control other people. People talk and she may be sharing affair information with a girlfriend(people full of themselves like your affair partner like to brag about their conquests, she told you about all the other men right?). That's how I found out about my ex's affair, one of her girlfriends got mad at her and disclosed it to me.

 

If your wife discovers your infidelity before you confess to her, the chances of your marriage, family surviving, are slim to none. Being caught will never convince her you chose her and your family over the other woman when it all comes to light. Ask the thousands of members on this site, infidelity finds a way to the light, now, 2 years, 5 years 20 years.

 

Best thing you can do is get yourself into independent counselling, find out why you need outside validation from other women. Stop lying to yourself and your family. Everyday your in the affair the worse it will be for you and your family because one day your going to have to explain it to your wife and your children. Everyone posting a reply to you have been on one side of infidelity or the other. There is nothing special about two selfish people cheating on their spouses. Being affair partner number 4 just tells me there will be an affair partner number 5, she's never going to leave her husband. Is this who you really want to destroy your family for, seriously?

[Cali408]

TS,

 

Welcome to the forum and understanding that you have a problem. That's step 1

 

Now, break it off immediately and quit Facebook. Just delete your account and all your fake accounts. It's obsessive and it's creepy.

 

You put her on a pedestal. You're bored in life, marriage is meh and you have this incredible excitement. You feel rejuvenated, the sex is out of this world and you're addicted to the way she makes you feel. Get it 100%.

 

Now, look at her you're second paragraph. She's had more pricks than a porcupine, isn't nurturing, untrustworthy. Keep focusing on that piece. Because WHEN you get caught and trust me, you will. Invincibility is only temporary. Do you want to be alone? Or with her? Miserable and asking yourself why you didn't listen to logic.

 

Make a +/- chart and be honest. She has way more negatives. It's selfish of you to have an affair. If you can gather up that type of selfishness to hurt the one closest to you, then you can be selfish enough to break this off.

 

Break it off today. No contact, no internet nothing.

 

Why throw away a diamond to play with a rock?

 

Good luck, we're here to support

Edited February 26, 2015 by Cali408

[autumnnight]

I have not read all of the posts, but the original post struck me for one main reason:

 

You listed all the reasons it would be hard to stop. You listed all the reasons you should stop.

 

Not ONE of these reasons had anything to do with betraying your wife and children or their pain. The only time you mentioned your wife in the reasons is to talk about how nice you were to her because of the guilt.

 

I want you to really think about that. That speaks volumes about the kind of person you have allowed yourself to become. You speak of your OW as a narcissist. However, every one of your reasons were about YOU, how YOU feel, what YOU are worried about.

 

I have no doubt that you truly believe you love the AP and that on some level you actually do. I believe you also think you love your wife.

 

Ask yourself this question: What kind of man and father do you want to be? Do you want to be a man and father who betrayals his children's mother? Do you want to be a man who is a liar? No matter how much "love" there is between you and your AP, the bottom line is that both of you are lying to, betraying, and deceiving your spouses, and, by extension, your children.

 

There are people who will say :You can't fight love" blah blah. To you want to be a weak person who is a slave to every instinct or temptation, or do you want to be a man your children can be proud of?

[troubled soul]

Is this who you really want to destroy your family for, seriously?

 

 

No. I absolutely do not! That's what I'm trying to solve. I want to stop this so bad. Thanks for your comments.

[troubled soul]

TS,

 

 

 

Make a +/- chart and be honest. She has way more negatives. It's selfish of you to have an affair. If you can gather up that type of selfishness to hurt the one closest to you, then you can be selfish enough to break this off.

 

Break it off today. No contact, no internet nothing.

 

Why throw away a diamond to play with a rock?

 

Good luck, we're here to support

 

Thanks for the idea on the chart. Reminds me of the old Ben Franklin close in sales. I will try it.

[gettingstronger]

One of the saddest things my husband said post dday was he just realized he had stopped looking at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth during the affair. He didn't realize he was doing that, not physically looking at himself in the morning. He had allowed himself to become someone he could not bear to face in a quiet moment alone. Are you there? Would you know if you were?

[troubled soul]

Not ONE of these reasons had anything to do with betraying your wife and children or their pain. The only time you mentioned your wife in the reasons is to talk about how nice you were to her because of the guilt.

 

 

I have no doubt that you truly believe you love the AP and that on some level you actually do. I believe you also think you love your wife.

 

Ask yourself this question: What kind of man and father do you want to be? Do you want to be a man and father who betrayals his children's mother? Do you want to be a man who is a liar? No matter how much "love" there is between you and your AP, the bottom line is that both of you are lying to, betraying, and deceiving your spouses, and, by extension, your children.

 

 

You know, it's such an interesting thing. I'm a college-educated man in my late thirties. I own my own business. I'm successful at most things I do. Everything you are saying makes crystal clear perfect sense. You're correct on every front. I have to get past the "drug" part of this affair though so I can snap out of this funk I'm in.

[troubled soul]

One of the saddest things my husband said post dday was he just realized he had stopped looking at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth during the affair. He didn't realize he was doing that, not physically looking at himself in the morning. He had allowed himself to become someone he could not bear to face in a quiet moment alone. Are you there? Would you know if you were?

 

 

I'm not there yet, unfortunately. I think something is wrong with my personality. I really don't feel guilt for what I'm doing. I know that's twisted and wrong. I guess I just kind of justify it in my mind over past bad relations with my wife. Believe it or not, I WISH I could be like your husband. Because if I couldn't stand to look at myself, it would sure make quitting this thing easier, or so it would seem.

[jm2013]

I should add this tidbit in there. Right now you think you can control the secrecy of your affair. Where you're mistaken is your ability to control your affair partner's actions, evidence and mouth. I'll say once and not if her husband finds out I'm sure you'll be one of many on his list to contact. He'll probably go out of his way to contact your wife with all the information he found that proves the affair. These are elements out of your control. This is why most of here will tell you it is far easier to tell your wife yourself instead of somebody else doing it. It will make you look better and start a more trusting environment as well which will give your marriage a little more hope on surviving if that is what you both desire.

[troubled soul]

I should add this tidbit in there. Right now you think you can control the secrecy of your affair. Where you're mistaken is your ability to control your affair partner's actions, evidence and mouth. I'll say once and not if her husband finds out I'm sure you'll be one of many on his list to contact. He'll probably go out of his way to contact your wife with all the information he found that proves the affair. These are elements out of your control. This is why most of here will tell you it is far easier to tell your wife yourself instead of somebody else doing it. It will make you look better and start a more trusting environment as well which will give your marriage a little more hope on surviving if that is what you both desire.

 

 

Interestingly enough, she has told me she has a female friend that she confides in about the affair. Not surprisingly, her friend is having an affair currently as well. I've never told a soul, so it makes me feel a bit betrayed that she's sharing affair secrets with a third party.

[troubled soul]

To add insult to injury, my AP's husband and my wife are both STELLAR people. Like I mean, involved in church, good jobs, well known in community as leaders, and just generally well-liked people. Her husband and my wife have done nothing to deserve this. Nothing.

[gettingstronger]

My husband didn't know he felt bad until after I found out. He thought he was king crap during the affair and thought everyone else thought so too. Funny thing, he had a co worker that caught him during the affair. After I found out he confided in this coworker who told him, you know that chick looked and acted like an ugly hooker right? My husband was floored, he thought other men found her hot. He said he's never been so embarrassed in his life. Hindsight is brutal!

[Rainbowlove]

To add insult to injury, my AP's husband and my wife are both STELLAR people. Like I mean, involved in church, good jobs, well known in community as leaders, and just generally well-liked people. Her husband and my wife have done nothing to deserve this. Nothing.

 

I bet your wife would say the same about you. You are a STELLAR person.

 

This affair has robbed you of that title. And for as long as you keep this secret from your wife, you will never wear it again.

 

Sorry to say....

[Janesays]

I really hadn't considered it like I had already destroyed my marriage. My thought was, if I can end the affair, I would never reveal it to my wife.

 

I'm curious why you have the perspective that my marriage is already destroyed? I'm asking that question respectfully.

 

That's a mistake.

 

Do you know that if an affair is CONFESSED, the chances of a successful reconciliation are 70%.

 

If an affair is DISCOVERED, on the other hand, the chance of a successful reconciliation is only 2 - 4%.

 

If you want to tank your marriage, go ahead and try to keep your affair a secret. Go on, TRY. You think you can, but that's your arrogance talking. No one can lie forever. The shoe always drops. Your wife can catch an STD from you. The OW can get mad at you and tell her to hurt you. The OW's husband finally catches her and decides your wife deserves to know. Someone you know spots you out an about. The possibilities are endless and mark my words...the shoe ALWAYS drops. And if your wife finds out during some dispicable way, then you will look like an irredeemable liar and your children will lose all respect for you.

 

Take it from me....I found out about my EX husbands cheating THREE YEARS after he ended it. He thought he would take his secret to the grave. The arrogance! He never thought that shoe would drop, but it did. And now look at us. Divorced. I can tell you honestly that if he would have had the respect for me to look me in the eye and grant me the courtesy of the truth, I probably would have given him a second chance.

 

If you love your wife, if you love your children, if you want ANY hope to save your marriage, man up now and start telling the truth before it's too late.

 

And if you continue to lie? Don't say you weren't warned.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Janesays