getting out of an affair

[TrustedthenBusted]

To add insult to injury, my AP's husband and my wife are both STELLAR people. Like I mean, involved in church, good jobs, well known in community as leaders, and just generally well-liked people. Her husband and my wife have done nothing to deserve this. Nothing.

 

Be careful who you label as Stellar. Professional, church going, well liked community leaders often get busted just like everyone else.

 

Dude, I'd cut bait, hope the secret never gets out, and focus on my marriage.

 

Just remember than in for a dime, in for a dollar. All this AP needs to do it get into a raging fight with her husband, and give him YOUR name if only to rub it in.

 

I have a friend who had an affair exposed more than 12 years after. Once day he just gets a random facebook message from a very very upset husband.

 

So you may have that to look forward to someday, whether you confess to your wife or not.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm thinking this OW will not appreciate being dumped by OP.

 

Her big ego will most definitely be bruised by his rejection.

 

Who's to say she won't drop a dime herself?

 

This could get very ugly.

[jm2013]

I'm thinking this OW will not appreciate being dumped by OP.

 

Her big ego will most definitely be bruised by his rejection.

 

Who's to say she won't drop a dime herself?

 

This could get very ugly.

 

I'd agree with this but I'd think she'd run back to man #1,2 & 3 to have them re-validate her to boost her ego where it needs to be. I can't believe her husband hasn't caught on yet. How does one's wife run off with 4 other men and still be in the dark about it. There has to be red flags all over that marriage. Hopefully he doesn't do laundry one off day and notice his wife's undies crusted with another man's semen.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've never told a soul, so it makes me feel a bit betrayed that she's sharing affair secrets with a third party.

I have no idea why I feel the need to mention this. But her husband's dog was a gift to her from a prior AP back in 2009. The husband has no idea the dog was given to him by a man that his wife screwed. I feel like if I found out my wife did that to me, I would be tempted to murder her.

 

When your wife finds out about you, what will she be tempted to do to you?

 

Your lack of perspective and a context in which to place your actions is startling, almost frightening. You feel betrayed? Unbelievable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowlove]

Hopefully he doesn't do laundry one off day and notice his wife's undies crusted with another man's semen.

 

LOL...thanks for the visual.

[truncated]

Think of having an affair and hiding it as the equivalent of a "dirty bomb". It will stay there, making the relationship toxic and sick, even if your wife and kids never know what's poisoning them.

[troubled soul]

Let me ask you all this question: Since I feel worse for her husband than for my wife, what does that say about me? That I'm just an ass? I don't know why I feel that way, but I know he's such a good guy and I'm stealing what is rightfully his by marriage.

[jm2013]

Let me ask you all this question: Since I feel worse for her husband than for my wife, what does that say about me? That I'm just an ass? I don't know why I feel that way, but I know he's such a good guy and I'm stealing what is rightfully his by marriage.

 

It says your marriage is probably dead and you should let your wife go on to experience a true happiness. Hell, don't even tell her about your infidelity. Just tell her you don't love her and file the papers. In this entire thread one thing I've realized is I don't think you really love your wife. Her feelings seems to be irrelevant to you. I feel so bad for her.

[Janesays]

Let me ask you all this question: Since I feel worse for her husband than for my wife, what does that say about me? That I'm just an ass? I don't know why I feel that way, but I know he's such a good guy and I'm stealing what is rightfully his by marriage.

 

Quit trying to psychoanalyze yourself and do the right thing. If you want to be a man, ACT LIKE ONE and face the consequences of your actions with humility and faith.

 

I know that I currently have zero interest in helping someone who is too much of a coward to do the right thing. Tell your wife. It's really your only hope of redemption.

[troubled soul]

I'd agree with this but I'd think she'd run back to man #1,2 & 3 to have them re-validate her to boost her ego where it needs to be. I can't believe her husband hasn't caught on yet. How does one's wife run off with 4 other men and still be in the dark about it. There has to be red flags all over that marriage. Hopefully he doesn't do laundry one off day and notice his wife's undies crusted with another man's semen.

 

For clarification, her affair history:

 

1. around 2004. She says it was just kissing and "moderately physical", whatever the hell that means. The affair led to the man getting divorced. My AP's husband did not find out.

 

2. around 2009-2012. She was busted by the other man's wife and asked to stop messing with her husband. She continued to meet him and screw him every few weeks over the next couple years. Her husband never found out.

 

3. 2013. texted a random guy that she grew up with and met him at a motel for a quick screw. For some reason they were unable to complete the act (no idea why). never saw him again after that she says. Her husband never found out.

 

4. 2014-present. Me.

[Janesays]

No one cares about your AP's lies but you.

[Rainbowlove]

Let me ask you all this question: Since I feel worse for her husband than for my wife, what does that say about me? That I'm just an ass? I don't know why I feel that way, but I know he's such a good guy and I'm stealing what is rightfully his by marriage.

 

Let me turn this around...

 

Why did you have an affair?

[sandylee1]

I should add this tidbit in there. Right now you think you can control the secrecy of your affair. Where you're mistaken is your ability to control your affair partner's actions, evidence and mouth. I'll say once and not if her husband finds out I'm sure you'll be one of many on his list to contact. He'll probably go out of his way to contact your wife with all the information he found that proves the affair. These are elements out of your control. This is why most of here will tell you it is far easier to tell your wife yourself instead of somebody else doing it. It will make you look better and start a more trusting environment as well which will give your marriage a little more hope on surviving if that is what you both desire.

 

 

Yes. This is very true. She will sing like a canary when she's busted. At that point your life could be in danger.

I heard of a BH that went to the OMs house with a loaded firearm, but the other betrayed spouse answered the door. Imagine the devastation that would have been caused. The kids would have lost their dad, parents lost a son etc. ..Really think about it.

 

Do you really want this kind of sh** in your life? Because more than the affair itself, it's these kind of consequences that kill the marriage.

[troubled soul]

Let me turn this around...

 

Why did you have an affair?

 

 

 

When I really think about this question, I have a hard time coming up with an answer. I think the best I can really do is say that I never intended it to happen and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it.

 

1. wife and I were on bad terms at the time. she was bitchy and I was arrogant.

2. I found myself physically attracted to the woman.

3. she put off vibes that she felt the same.

4. the adrenaline rush of falling for a woman was intoxicating.

5. once I met her one time, I was hooked and just wanted more.

6. over the past year, an infatuation has developed into feelings of love and respect. Despite her past.

7. I know it sounds awful, but seeing her is my favorite thing to do. It's above hobbies, work, family, etc. It really is my favorite thing in life right now. Awful, I know. But true.

[sandylee1]

When I really think about this question, I have a hard time coming up with an answer. I think the best I can really do is say that I never intended it to happen and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it.

 

1. wife and I were on bad terms at the time. she was bitchy and I was arrogant.

2. I found myself physically attracted to the woman.

3. she put off vibes that she felt the same.

4. the adrenaline rush of falling for a woman was intoxicating.

5. once I met her one time, I was hooked and just wanted more.

6. over the past year, an infatuation has developed into feelings of love and respect. Despite her past.

7. I know it sounds awful, but seeing her is my favorite thing to do. It's above hobbies, work, family, etc. It really is my favorite thing in life right now. Awful, I know. But true.

 

I'm not sensing any guilt from you at all. Your opening post describes the OW as perfect, yet you go on to list her narcissistic tendencies. How does an intelligent business owner like yourself not see the total contradiction.

 

She can only cheat for so long without being caught.

Sleeping with another man's wife is really playing with fire, because you really could end up beaten to a pulp and he would have a degree of mitigation, even though violence isn't the answer.

 

How would explain being beat up to your kids? 'I was dating someone else besides mommy and her husband found out and did this to me?'

 

If you're not happy in your marriage, get divorced.

[Rainbowlove]

When I really think about this question, I have a hard time coming up with an answer. I think the best I can really do is say that I never intended it to happen and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it.

 

1. wife and I were on bad terms at the time. she was bitchy and I was arrogant.

2. I found myself physically attracted to the woman.

3. she put off vibes that she felt the same.

4. the adrenaline rush of falling for a woman was intoxicating.

5. once I met her one time, I was hooked and just wanted more.

6. over the past year, an infatuation has developed into feelings of love and respect. Despite her past.

7. I know it sounds awful, but seeing her is my favorite thing to do. It's above hobbies, work, family, etc. It really is my favorite thing in life right now. Awful, I know. But true.

 

You sound like a junkie. Words like rush, hooked, adrenaline, intoxicating, you just wanted more, you put being with her above all other things in your life. This is how a drug addict behaves.

 

She is your unhealthy choice of drug. She gets you high.

 

What was missing from your relationship with your wife? Besides sex, what was this OW providing for you?

Edited February 26, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Paenitentiae]

I completely understand the validity of your question. It is fascinating to me as well. The only thing I know to say is, that I feel like the pull of being in love is almost like a drug. It blinds me to reality in some ways. It makes me only think about my next fix, which is the woman I'm having an affair with. So, even though she is indeed a serial cheater, and this is my first and only time, the feeling of being "in love" makes me forgive all that stuff. I know that's a crazy line of thinking. But it's where I'm at right now. Trust me, I'd rather have never met this woman in the first place. But now she consumes my thoughts.

 

TroubledSoul, I went through very similar feelings and thoughts throughout my affair. I too fell for a serial cheater, and I too felt the drug-like effects of "being in love" with my AP despite seeing (and ignoring) the red flags and personality defects in the OM (he too was a narcissist and extremely selfish). You are right, it is all-consuming and it is self-torture. On one hand, I knew that I was torturing myself by remaining involved and I knew I had to cut contact to move on, but it is so hard. At times, I too wished I had never even met the OM, never become involved in the whole mess. I had tried to cut contact several times before the OM finally hurt me one last time and I decided to stop subjecting myself to the torture. I think it takes being pushed to your limit to finally make this decision for good. It is extremely difficult and painful, but the only way to get out is to cut contact completely, or you will be hanging on, going through the emotional roller coaster forever. After establishing NC, you will go through withdrawal, which may last several months, and it may even take years to get over it completely, but it sounds like you know deep down that this is what you have to do. If you can remain NC, you will get through the withdrawal and come out better for it on the other side. We will be here to support you. Best of luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

over the past year, an infatuation has developed into feelings of love and respect. Despite her past.

 

Forget her past, here's her present:

 

1. She is a selfish type of person. She has had two physical affairs and one emotional affair prior to this one. She has never been caught by her husband.

 

2. She is the biggest narcissist I've ever met. She is constantly bragging on herself, how good she looks, how funny she is, etc. She literally thinks every man wants her. It's annoying as hell.

 

3. The fact that she's had the other affairs haunts me. It makes me feel like a chump, that I'm the 4th guy she's cheated on her husband with. I think if I was the first, I would feel differently. But I mean come on, she's a serial cheater. She even admits to "throwing out the bait" to me and the other guys she screwed. And to top that off, she still has business relations with the first guy she had an affair with. And she is facebook friends with him. Which annoys the hell out of me.

 

4. She's not a very nurturing person. Most women are thought of as being nurturers, caretakers, etc. She is not. She cares about herself mainly.

 

You two sound perfect for each other. You're not exactly the "nurturing" kind either...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cali408]

I'm not sensing any guilt from you at all. Your opening post describes the OW as perfect, yet you go on to list her narcissistic tendencies. How does an intelligent business owner like yourself not see the total contradiction.

 

She can only cheat for so long without being caught.

Sleeping with another man's wife is really playing with fire, because you really could end up beaten to a pulp and he would have a degree of mitigation, even though violence isn't the answer.

 

How would explain being beat up to your kids? 'I was dating someone else besides mommy and her husband found out and did this to me?'

 

If you're not happy in your marriage, get divorced.

 

Cut the guy some slack about guilt. He's on here looking for help. Is he wrong? Absolutely. He's telling the truth He is limerant and pouring his heart out.

 

He is trying and wants to do the right thing. He's telling you how hard it is going to be for him. Does he deserve any sympathy? No, but stop kicking him while he's down.

 

I know a lot of you were BS and are BS at people who've had affairs. But don't take your bad experience out on the guy.

 

And DO NOT tell your wife. Why hurt her if you don't have to. Just commit 100% to your wife today and hope for the best.

 

I'm tired of the "tell your spouse they need to know...." Um, no they don't. Why permanently damage and scar someone if you can avoid it. Don't compound being a lousy spouse by rubbing it in. Just don't cross the line anymore. Run from this train wreck

 

I'm sure I've infuriated about 95% of the people on this thread. I respect your opinion but don't agree. I hope your respect mine

[Confused48]

First I would like to note, this is a prime example of how men having affairs are different then women who have affairs. OP has gotten closer to his wife. Its because men don't tend to have to justify having an affair. So it has not impacted the way he views his wife, take heed OW.

 

You just see what validates your already establish, sexist, world view. There is an active thread here right now with an OW that has no need to justify her affair, just taking the male AP as a side piece. It happens all the time.

[violet1]

You just see what validates your already establish, sexist, world view. There is an active thread here right now with an OW that has no need to justify her affair, just taking the male AP as a side piece. It happens all the time.

There are also lots of posts discussing women giving their BH more sex during her affair to relieve guilt. It looks like the marriage is getting better, but it's not the reality. It's all fake. I used to buy my H gifts or do nice things for him on days I met my exAP.

[TrustedthenBusted]

For clarification, her affair history:

 

1. around 2004. She says it was just kissing and "moderately physical", whatever the hell that means. The affair led to the man getting divorced. My AP's husband did not find out.

 

2. around 2009-2012. She was busted by the other man's wife and asked to stop messing with her husband. She continued to meet him and screw him every few weeks over the next couple years. Her husband never found out.

 

3. 2013. texted a random guy that she grew up with and met him at a motel for a quick screw. For some reason they were unable to complete the act (no idea why). never saw him again after that she says. Her husband never found out.

 

4. 2014-present. Me.

 

 

Lol. Now run that through the infidelity multiplier.

[Realist3]

When I really think about this question, I have a hard time coming up with an answer. I think the best I can really do is say that I never intended it to happen and it was a combination of circumstances that led to it.

 

1. wife and I were on bad terms at the time. she was bitchy and I was arrogant.

2. I found myself physically attracted to the woman.

3. she put off vibes that she felt the same.

4. the adrenaline rush of falling for a woman was intoxicating.

5. once I met her one time, I was hooked and just wanted more.

6. over the past year, an infatuation has developed into feelings of love and respect. Despite her past.

7. I know it sounds awful, but seeing her is my favorite thing to do. It's above hobbies, work, family, etc. It really is my favorite thing in life right now. Awful, I know. But true.

 

You aren't going anywhere for a good while.

[pheonixrisen]

Your wife will find out. Maybe not today or tomorrow but believe me, that cat will be let out of the bag. You're going to have to ask yourself if it is better coming out of your mouth or worse if she happens to stumble on some incriminating evidence about your affair.

 

I am a B's ....I had no clue that my h was having an affair ...18 months 17 days to the day I found out accidentally ..started just like any other day and them bam ..In matter of moments my whole world as I knew it came shattering down around me ...For months I was pretty lost , confused I could not understand any of it how could this guy my guy who is suppose to have my back betray me in this manner ...We are in R ...

 

and it's difficult to bounce back their is so much pain for B's it's like your whole body is on fire with so much helplessness and anger coz you were not given a choice to be a part of the affair dynamic ..you suffer for someone else's action and you cannot understand the traumatic pain you suffer for something you did not do or allow or are a part of ...

 

If there is a chance your wife finds out ..your family is broken for months/years to come...right now your wife is happy and healthy giving her best for your children ...Once it out you have taken away the happy and healthy and replaced with hurt , anger , immense pain and lack of focus on anything ...she suffers your children suffer ...

 

once the trust is lost its difficult to build plus my h suffers tremendous guilt for the pain he caused me ...you are destroying your family for a woman who has had many affairs on her clueless husband ..how can she be a gem ...she is a disgusting self centered attention seeker ...men such as you who destroy their family for her ..feeds her ego ...

 

keep in mind...their was no way I could have found out of my h affair ...The ow was completely out of our social circle no way connected to our life ...He kept it well hidden for 18 months ...but one day I found out I wasn't looking for it ...I just found out

...and all he'll broke loose.hope this helps from a B's perspective.

Edited February 26, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[elaine567]

I am a B's ....I had no clue that my h was having an affair ...18 months 17 days to the day I found out accidentally ..started just like any other day and them bam ..In matter of moments my whole world as I knew it came shattering down around me ...For months I was pretty lost , confused I could not understand any of it how could this guy my guy who is suppose to have my back betray me in this manner ...We are in R ...

 

and it's difficult to bounce back their is so much pain for B's it's like your whole body is on fire with so much helplessness and anger coz you were not given a choice to be a part of the affair dynamic ..you suffer for someone else's action and you cannot understand the traumatic pain you suffer for something you did not do or allow or are a part of ...

 

If there is a chance your wife finds out ..your family is broken for months/years to come...right now your wife is happy and healthy giving her best for your children ...Once it out you have taken away the happy and healthy and replaced with hurt , anger , immense pain and lack of focus on anything ...she suffers your children suffer ...

 

once the trust is lost its difficult to build plus my h suffers tremendous guilt for the pain he caused me ...you are destroying your family for a woman who has had many affairs on her clueless husband ..how can she be a gem ...she is a disgusting self centered attention seeker ...men such as you who destroy their family for her ..feeds her ego ...

 

keep in mind...their was no way I could have found out of my h affair ...The ow was completely out of our social circle no way connected to our life ...He kept it well hidden for 18 months ...but one day I found out I wasn't looking for it ...I just found out

...and all he'll broke loose.hope this helps from a B's perspective.

 

I'm sorry and it is fine if you do not want to share, but I am curious, how did you find out?