SP's coping log

[Kamille]

I don't understand it myself. I have a strong sense of myself in many ways, on a kind of intuitive level, but I'm underdeveloped in others.

 

See, this is a perfect example of that problematic inner voice. Who decided your experiences and choices make you under-developped? They make you who you are now, (and who you are now isn't going to be the exact same person you are going to be tomorrow).

 

You can be extremely hard on yourself Shadow. Your expectations of yourself are extremely high and rigid. You are always striving towards them, but at the same time never seem to take the time to appreciate who you are now. This, in turns, means that you're never satisfied with yourself. This is probably why you often get discouraged.

 

It's okay to always strive to better yourself, in fact, it's a fantastic trait to have. But you have to give yourself breaks. Allow yourself to say and think: I'm not perfect, but I'm still a great person.

[shadowplay]

28. How he's shallow. He is emotionally shallow in that he was able to flip a switch, and make decisions arbitrarily without ever looking back. He is also intellectually shallow.

29. He has no inner strength or sense of himself.

30. He is a people pleaser because of insecurity, not because he truly cares on a deep level about others.

31. He is soft and underdeveloped looking. In addition to the stubby limbs, he has no muscle development. Looks like a child.

32. He is passive.

33. He doesn't think or consider why he makes decisions. He just bobs around.

34. He tries to feel strong by making sudden decisions and not looking back, and in the way he speaks sometimes (enunciating his words, hand gestures), but it's all a cover up for inner weakness.

[shadowplay]

Oh, he told me the last time we spoke that he probably won't be in another relationship for YEARS because he's going to grad school and he needs to devote 100% of his energy to work. He said even if he was able to balance work and relationship and be successful, he wouldn't want to because then he wouldn't be devoting 100% of his energy to work, he'd have to take resources out of working. Nevermind the fact that he'd be going to grad school for art, which isn't exactly the most demanding pursuit (though it does take a lot of work). I could understand medical school or something, but I think given his circumstances his rigidity is ridiculous. I know plenty of art grad students and none of them have this attitude that they don't have time for relationships. Whatever, he's lame.

[D-Lish]

I don't understand it myself. I have a strong sense of myself in many ways, on a kind of intuitive level, but I'm underdeveloped in others. I don't have the life evidence to back up my sense of self or confidence. For many years I've avoided really developing myself (academically, creatively, socially and just in general as an adult), so this lowers my self esteem.

 

Luke Skywalker started out the same way:cool: Then he met Yoda:lmao:

 

Don't be in a rush to be old shadow. Wisdom is acquired through experience, but people lacking the basic tools won't ever have "the epiphany", no matter how much experience they gather.

 

It must be frustrating to have the smarts without the experience. Intellect and wisdom aren't mutually exclusive, I've known many book smart dolts.

 

You're intelligent, you're insightful, and you have a genuine interest in experiencing life, rather than coasting through it without ever having any kind of understanding of it. That's a really good thing Shadow. You can't truly experience life without embracing strife. You can't grow without embracing it either.

 

Every experience is a life lesson- you can choose to ignore what you have learned and continue on the same path, or you can use your failures to prepare you better for what lies ahead, and choose not to make the same mistakes again.

[shadowplay]

Luke Skywalker started out the same way:cool: Then he met Yoda:lmao:

 

Don't be in a rush to be old shadow. Wisdom is acquired through experience, but people lacking the basic tools won't ever have "the epiphany", no matter how much experience they gather.

 

It must be frustrating to have the smarts without the experience. Intellect and wisdom aren't mutually exclusive, I've known many book smart dolts.

 

You're intelligent, you're insightful, and you have a genuine interest in experiencing life, rather than coasting through it without ever having any kind of understanding of it. That's a really good thing Shadow. You can't truly experience life without embracing strife. You can't grow without embracing it either.

 

Every experience is a life lesson- you can choose to ignore what you have learned and continue on the same path, or you can use your failures to prepare you better for what lies ahead, and choose not to make the same mistakes again.

 

Thanks, D-Lish! Your words always put a smile to my face.

[shadowplay]

The loneliness is killing me. I feel like I'd be OK if I wasn't completely alone, which I am. It's the way it has to be for the immediate future because I have a shiat ton of work before the semester ends next week. This means I've put off looking for a new place to live until after that's over.

 

I'm scared about what happens when the semester ends, and I have no social interaction or structure whatsoever (recall I lost my job. I've applied for a few places, but mostly have put the search on hold until the semester.)

Really scared.

 

I know that I'm someone who needs structure in order to be productive. I need to be working on my BFA thesis over the summer, but I"m worried I'll have a huge amount of difficulty doing that without structure to my days and the loneliness.

 

I'm scared that I'll always be alone, that I can't stand on my own two feet. I'm just scared in general. I wish I had a single friend here.

 

I can barely even concentrate on my work because I'm so distracted by these fears and the loneliness.

[shadowplay]

Although I know he won't ever take me back, this fear of being totally alone in the world makes me tempted to stay friends with him because then I'll have at least one friend here. Is that a bad idea?

[melodymatters]

There are a million or so potential friends out there, waiting and hoping as you are to make a connection.

 

I'm gonna give you what we used to call " drunken, 2 am , recording studio therapy".

 

He was a flaccid, pasty little wanker boy who needed daddy and co to tell him which way to place his dick in his shorts. He was far from special, he was weak, and mirrored whatever was around him to latch on to. He's going to be ...gasp, whimper, too BUSY to have a relationship as a mediorce art school grad student, AND wants to be f*cked up the ass and called a dirty little whore.

 

We all make mistakes dude, but holding on to this little turd as your dream guy makes you almost as big a loser.

 

Find yourself, or at least a real guy, so you can laugh when he tries to friend you on FB a few yrs from now.

 

When you hear his name or think of him, stick your fingers down your throat to stimulate the gag reflex you SHOULD be feeling.

 

He's a joke.....and you are so much better than pining after a little, whiny wuss boy.....

[shadowplay]

There are a million or so potential friends out there, waiting and hoping as you are to make a connection.

 

I'm gonna give you what we used to call " drunken, 2 am , recording studio therapy".

 

He was a flaccid, pasty little wanker boy who needed daddy and co to tell him which way to place his dick in his shorts. He was far from special, he was weak, and mirrored whatever was around him to latch on to. He's going to be ...gasp, whimper, too BUSY to have a relationship as a mediorce art school grad student, AND wants to be f*cked up the ass and called a dirty little whore.

 

We all make mistakes dude, but holding on to this little turd as your dream guy makes you almost as big a loser.

 

Find yourself, or at least a real guy, so you can laugh when he tries to friend you on FB a few yrs from now.

 

When you hear his name or think of him, stick your fingers down your throat to stimulate the gag reflex you SHOULD be feeling.

 

He's a joke.....and you are so much better than pining after a little, whiny wuss boy.....

 

I love you, Melody. You're the best.

 

Ha! I'm totally gonna print this out.

 

I'm feeling a bit better now after talking to my mother and reading this. I felt an urge to contact him but managed to resist (thank God)!

Edited May 2, 2010 by shadowplay

[melodymatters]

I'm SO glad you took it in the spirit it was meant ! I was a little worried, but I learned long ago, the hard way, that true friends tell you what you need to know, not what you want to hear.

 

You're not young enough to be my daughter, thank GOD, lol, but I would tell her the same thing.

 

We cool, creative types ( gag, see....I almost gag myself talking that way, F*ck starting a theatre co, I admire EMT's and the like) tend to attract and be attracted to that type until we learn that we don't need mirror images of our artistic selfs, but rather an easy going strong type that will adore us for our foibles and take care of US instead of the other way around.

 

Seriously dude, I was so rooting for the FANTASY, but now that he's shown his true colors, it's more like an addiction to feed your lonelyness and self doubt than a true real healthy love thing.

 

PM me if you want to talk tonight...I have nothing but free time right now

[tigressA]

Although I know he won't ever take me back, this fear of being totally alone in the world makes me tempted to stay friends with him because then I'll have at least one friend here. Is that a bad idea?

 

What are you doing? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!! (I saw the end of your NC guide thread) :lmao: You're welcome!

[shadowplay]

OK, I'll allow myself one more moment of nostalgia.

 

This

is eerily reminiscent of how I felt about him, partly because I cut his hair in a bed one night and it used to be long. But also the general feel of the song.

 

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

I have to go, I have to go

Your hair was long when we first met

 

Samson went back to bed

Not much hair left on his head

He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed

And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us

And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

 

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads

But they're just old light, they're just old light

Your hair was long when we first met

 

Samson came to my bed

Told me that my hair was red

Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Oh I cut his hair myself one night

A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

And he told me that I'd done alright

And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light

And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

 

Samson went back to bed

Not much hair left on his head

Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed

Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down

Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one

And history books forgot about us

And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

 

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first

 

Now back to hating him.

[alphamale]

you need to stop thinking about this stuff shadowplay, i'm getting worried that you're obsessing

[shadowplay]

you need to stop thinking about this stuff shadowplay, i'm getting worried that you're obsessing

 

yeah, you're right.

[northstar1]

Shadow ,it's okay to feel lonely, esp after the end of a relationship. Hell, I feel lonely after my breakup, because now I'm having to fill 4 or 5 nights a week that I had previously spent with my ex. It's daunting, and it has made me feel lonely and wanted to reach out to my ex. But I know all that will do is bring me pain.

 

You are nearly done the year. Throw yourself into your studies. Plan some short and medium term goals fo yourself. Take up an exercise class, go see a play you want to see, start writing a novel. You're young, vibrant and smart, people will graviate to you if you are open to meeting people.

 

 

I know the urge is there to reach out to him to have contact with someone, but it is not a healthy thing for you. It's like being home alone, thirsty, and instead of going out to the store and buying a cold beer or ice tea, you're considering drinking the spoiled milk in the fridged because its there and you've drank from it before even though you know it will make you sick

[shadowplay]

Shadow ,it's okay to feel lonely, esp after the end of a relationship. Hell, I feel lonely after my breakup, because now I'm having to fill 4 or 5 nights a week that I had previously spent with my ex. It's daunting, and it has made me feel lonely and wanted to reach out to my ex. But I know all that will do is bring me pain.

 

You are nearly done the year. Throw yourself into your studies. Plan some short and medium term goals fo yourself. Take up an exercise class, go see a play you want to see, start writing a novel. You're young, vibrant and smart, people will graviate to you if you are open to meeting people.

 

 

I know the urge is there to reach out to him to have contact with someone, but it is not a healthy thing for you. It's like being home alone, thirsty, and instead of going out to the store and buying a cold beer or ice tea, you're considering drinking the spoiled milk in the fridged because its there and you've drank from it before even though you know it will make you sick

 

Thanks, NS!

 

After writing that last post, I suddenly had a wake up call. I just sent him a text message that we can no longer hang out. Before it had been up in the air. I didn't want to close that door. So it's done. I hope I can stick to it.

[sb129]

You don't send him a text saying you can't hang out. Thats breaking NC- (and you know that secretly deep down you are hoping he will reply begging you to change your mind)

 

You just DON'T HANG OUT WITH HIM. You don't need to inform him of the fact.

[shadowplay]

You don't send him a text saying you can't hang out. Thats breaking NC- (and you know that secretly deep down you are hoping he will reply begging you to change your mind)

 

You just DON'T HANG OUT WITH HIM. You don't need to inform him of the fact.

 

Nah, I honestly don't hope he'll beg me, and I also know he won't.

 

I had a good reason for sending the text. I knew that if I didn't, he would have contacted me to hang out eventually and I wouldn't have been able to resist. By letting him know I can't do it anymore, it means he almost certainly won't contact me again. I've closed the door.

 

I also don't see the logic in criticizing me sending the text when it's already done. I just want to move forward, not pick apart every past move/mistake.

[sb129]

We'll see.

 

You could have just waited for him to contact you and then said no.

 

Or ignored it.

[sb129]

I also don't see the logic in criticizing me sending the text when it's already done. I just want to move forward, not pick apart every past move/mistake.

 

I thought you came here for advice?

[shadowplay]

We'll see.

 

You could have just waited for him to contact you and then said no.

 

Or ignored it.

 

My point is it's extremely hard for me to resist when he initiates contact, and by sending him that message I let him know he couldn't make more contact. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[shadowplay]

 

I thought you came here for advice?

 

SB, I did come here for advice, but I don't consider it helpful or productive to pick apart the fact that I sent him a final text. I explained my logic behind doing so, and I think it's reasonable. Right now I just want to move on, not beat myself up for every past move, especially when it's something relatively minor that falls into a gray area.

[Hot Carl]

My point is it's extremely hard for me to resist when he initiates contact, and by sending him that message I let him know he couldn't make more contact. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

 

Ha ha. What's to stop him? Just because you drew another line in the sand? Every time he contacts you, you respond. Obviously. So when the urge strikes he'll do it again. Whether you continue trying to cut off contact is your business. But thinking today's text achieved something is more magical thinking.

 

You artistic types never want to believe that 1+1 really equals 2. Your world is built on the idea that sooner or later it will equal blueberries.

[shadowplay]

Ha ha. What's to stop him? Just because you drew another line in the sand? Every time he contacts you, you respond. Obviously. So when the urge strikes he'll do it again. Whether you continue trying to cut off contact is your business. But thinking today's text achieved something is more magical thinking.

 

Because I know how he is, and despite his flaws, he's always respectful when I set a boundary. I'm not ruling out the possibility that he'll contact me again, but I seriously doubt it.

[RobM]

We should start a pool on how long before there is contact, good luck sp, my guess tuesday, wednesday at the latest.