SP's coping log

[Star Gazer]

We hadn't spoken in a couple of days. Then today he came up to me and said something to me that makes me think he may want to get back together eventually.

 

If he decides to take me back I'll be both happy and nervous. But right now I just don't know what to make of it.

 

It doesn't even matter what he said, Shadow. Re-read your threads. Read about how he dumped you callously. Read about how he used your vagina and face as a masterbatory tool, and then told you he felt little for you. Read about how he's friending a cute girl in class.

 

When are you ever going to have some PRIDE?

 

This cycle you're putting yourself through is just :sick:...

 

If you continue to accept piddly, untrustworthy scraps, that's all you'll ever get, Shadow.

[shadowplay]

It doesn't even matter what he said, Shadow. Re-read your threads. Read about how he dumped you callously. Read about how he used your vagina and face as a masterbatory tool, and then told you he felt little for you. Read about how he's friending a cute girl in class.

 

When are you ever going to have some PRIDE?

 

This cycle you're putting yourself through is just :sick:...

 

If you continue to accept piddly, untrustworthy scraps, that's all you'll ever get, Shadow.

 

Yeah, you're right.

 

For what it's worth, I didn't say much when he spoke to me and left quickly. But I probably should have been more assertive.

[pandagirl]

When you feel weak, remind yourself that you were in love with the person you THOUGHT he was. He has shown his true colors, which are not pretty. He has treated you terribly.

 

This person is not the guy you loved. Knock him off that pedestal, because he's not as loving or great as you think.

[shadowplay]

When you feel weak, remind yourself that you were in love with the person you THOUGHT he was. He has shown his true colors, which are not pretty. He has treated you terribly.

 

This person is not the guy you loved. Knock him off that pedestal, because he's not as loving or great as you think.

 

Thanks. This thought is actually helping me right now.

[shadowplay]

He really screwed with my brain when he talked to me yesterday. He didn't say he wanted to get back together, but hugged me in a really needy way and said, looking into my eyes, "Shadow...I really miss you." Then later I was like "does this mean you want to get back together," and he said "no, and said there was a 1 in 5 chance of us ever getting back together if he had to take a guess. And that he'd probably want to be with other girls, even though he knew I was amazing and it had nothing to do with me."

 

I was feeling like I was starting to move on and this totally fcked with me.

 

I know now that I if he approaches me I have to just tell him to leave me alone. I already knew this intellectually, but I guess I was just having trouble being assertive when he approached me.

 

Last night I had nightmares all night about him and my ex ex in which both were rejecting me. In the dream my ex kept saying that he didn't want to be with me because he never missed me during the relationship when we were apart for a few days, and when he did it was just because he was worried about me, not because of love. And I kept asking him why, why I wasn't good enough, and he told me he didn't know.

 

Then I slept through my alarm and was a little bit late for my first class.

 

This needs to stop.

[northstar1]

He really screwed with my brain when he talked to me yesterday. He didn't say he wanted to get back together, but hugged me in a really needy way and said, looking into my eyes, "Shadow...I really miss you." Then later I was like "does this mean you want to get back together," and he said "no, and said there was a 1 in 5 chance of us ever getting back together if he had to take a guess. And that he'd probably want to be with other girls, even though he knew I was amazing and it had nothing to do with me."

 

I was feeling like I was starting to move on and this totally fcked with me.

 

I know now that I if he approaches me I have to just tell him to leave me alone. I already knew this intellectually, but I guess I was just having trouble being assertive when he approached me.

 

Last night I had nightmares all night about him and my ex ex in which both were rejecting me. In the dream my ex kept saying that he didn't want to be with me because he never missed me during the relationship when we were apart for a few days, and when he did it was just because he was worried about me, not because of love. And I kept asking him why, why I wasn't good enough, and he told me he didn't know.

 

Then I slept through my alarm and was a little bit late for my first class.

 

This needs to stop.

 

yes it does, and only you have the power to stop it.

 

so what do you think you need to do to make it stop?

[shadowplay]

yes it does, and only you have the power to stop it.

 

so what do you think you need to do to make it stop?

 

Be more assertive and tell him to leave me alone if he tries to talk to me.

 

Nip the feeling in the bud if I EVER get the urge to contact him in any way, because there's a point of no return where it's nearly impossible to turn back once the feeling grows enough. Immediately distract myself in some way or let my feet lead first.

[northstar1]

Be more assertive and tell him to leave me alone if he tries to talk to me.

 

Nip the feeling in the bud if I EVER get the urge to contact him in any way, because there's a point of no return where it's nearly impossible to turn back once the feeling grows enough. Immediately distract myself in some way or let my feet lead first.

 

There ya go.

 

And always remember " YOU DESERVE BETTER". Keep that mantra in your head if you have doubts or see him.

[shadowplay]

There ya go.

 

And always remember " YOU DESERVE BETTER". Keep that mantra in your head if you have doubts or see him.

 

Thanks.

 

This is so hard.

[shadowplay]

I'm going to write all my thoughts down here, because I don't want to take action on them and because I know you guys will give me a reality check.

 

But I'd also appreciate it if you wouldn't scold me for my thoughts and feelings, because they aren't totally in control. It's fine to scold me for any unhealthy actions I take, though.

 

Here are some of the ridiculous thoughts I've had:

 

-We discovered that we had both started seeing one of the same therapists. This is a woman at the school who I saw only once when she was on call and I wasn't crazy about her style, but now that he started seeing her the thought occurred to me, "hmm...maybe if I continued with her, I could indirectly influence what she advises him (without ever letting her know that I know)." How absurd is that?

 

-I've wondered to myself if hanging out with him as a fwb, like going on non-committed dates and just having a good time would make him reconnect with what we shared and want to take me back. This is crazy, right? He still wants to hang out like this, but I've told him after one brief debacle last week that I'm not comfortable with it. Still, I have my occasional doubts.

 

Again, I don't plan on acting on these thoughts, but I'm afraid that they might grow from seeds until they're hard to resist. I want to nip them in the bud.

Edited April 23, 2010 by shadowplay

[northstar1]

I'm going to write all my thoughts down here, because I don't want to take action on them and because I know you guys will give me a reality check.

 

But I'd also appreciate it if you wouldn't scold me for my thoughts and feelings, because they aren't totally in control. It's fine to scold me for any unhealthy actions I take, though.

 

Here are some of the ridiculous thoughts I've had:

 

-We discovered that we had both started seeing one of the same therapists. This is a woman at the school who I saw only once when she was on call and I wasn't crazy about her style, but now that he started seeing her the thought occurred to me, "hmm...maybe if I continued with her, I could indirectly influence what she advises him (without ever letting her know that I know)." How absurd is that?

 

-I've wondered to myself if hanging out with him as a fwb, like going on non-committed dates and just having a good time would make him reconnect with what we shared and want to take me back. This is crazy, right? He still wants to hang out like this, but I've told him after one brief debacle last week that I'm not comfortable with it. Still, I have my occasional doubts.

 

Again, I don't plan on acting on these thoughts, but I'm afraid that they might grow from seeds until they're hard to resist. I want to nip them in the bud.

 

What is your mantra again?

[heffer1280]

Hi, I know how you feel. Me and my ex broke up about a month and a half ago and i cant stop thinking about her. I just joined this forum and i do not know if this is a direct message to you or if it goes public. I am sure we could help each other just by chatting and telling each other what we think went wrong.

[Jilly Bean]

Shadow, he doesn't want to get back together. EVER. And frankly, you shouldn't want to, either! This is where you will end up being humiliated over and over by this guy, and others, if you continue this pattern. It's like you want to give him the power to hurt you even more, and you'll even give him a roadmap on how to do it. Why is that? I mean, breakups are hard enough, but your history is that when they happen, you don't let go, and instead cling to the guys leg as he's trying to run away, and he's left having to shake you off, and not in a kind way. At this point, any more hurt you suffer, is at your own hands because it is YOU who keeps putting yourself in the position for him to hurt you again. It's like you're asking for it any time you continue to engage with him.

 

He wants to screw you again, that I'm certain of. I'm sure he's weighing in his mind the trade-off between meaningless and easy sex with you, and the ensuing fall-out of your emotions from said act.

 

PLEASE stop looking at him on FB. Like the other poster said, make a list of his faults, and review that a few times a day. You are still eulogizing the guy, and that's not going to help your recovery.

 

Soon the bargaining stage will end, and you will be in acceptance and moving on to greener pastures.

[shadowplay]

And frankly, you shouldn't want to, either!

 

This is the part I can't seem to ever completely wrap my head around. Why shouldn't I want to? Ha, I know it's completely obvious to everyone else, but some part of me refuses to see him in a negative light no matter how hard I try.

 

He told me when we had sex and I asked him that it wasn't at all meaningless to him, it had emotion behind it, and that he still really loves me blah blah, but I guess that's just bull.

 

I also don't understand why he randomly hugged me and told me he really missed me if he wants me to move on. And when I said to him "just tell me there's no chance of us ever working," he still maintained that in his head there was a possibility. Why does he feed me these crumbs?

[Jilly Bean]

This is the part I can't seem to ever completely wrap my head around. Why shouldn't I want to? Ha, I know it's completely obvious to everyone else, but some part of me refuses to see him in a negative light no matter how hard I try.

 

He told me when we had sex and I asked him that it wasn't at all meaningless to him, it had emotion behind it, and that he still really loves me blah blah, but I guess that's just bull.

 

I also don't understand why he randomly hugged me and told me he really missed me if he wants me to move on. And when I said to him "just tell me there's no chance of us ever working," he still maintained that in his head there was a possibility. Why does he feed me these crumbs?

 

You shouldn't want to, simply because you have now seen what he is capable of. You are painfully aware of his capacity to lie, betray and hurt you.

 

All you need to do is review your posts from the past few weeks, and reread how you felt when he dropped you suddenly. THIS should help you gel why he isn't someone you should welcome back on any level.

 

Shadow, he has shown you who he is. Best you stop giving him more credit, when it's not appropriate. Trust what you have seen, and assume only more of the same would follow.

 

Yes, it was all BS, I'm afraid. He was getting his dick wet, and in that moment, he was telling you what you wanted to hear in order to keep it going. In fact, it seems that much of your dialogues lately are not volunteered information from him, but you pressing him with leading and difficult questions, to which he can only appease you, so as not to invite more wrath. It's like you're writing the whole script.

 

He feeds you the crumbs because you beg for them. Because you won't leave him alone long enough for him to NOT do or say something like this. You keep asking him to his face to reject you over and over (why?) and he is not stupid enough to do that again, for fear of the same onslaught, so he's lying to get out of the situation with you.

 

As soon as you stop confronting him, the confusion will clear, because he won't be going out of his way to hurt you.

 

I don't doubt he misses (some parts) of being with you. It wasn't 100% bad for him, so of course, as time and separation sits in, we all tend to memorialize the best of relationships. I'm sure he had a weak moment, or, in his ignorance, thought saying this to you would be helpful to your healing, rather than being smart enough to know it would have just the opposite effect.

 

Stay strong, sister. Keep yourself from triggers that will make you insane, like, checking his FB, etc. Pretty much at this point, you keep replaying conversations, etc. hoping it will change the reality of today. The only thing it does do, is keep you way too superglued to this all. Nothing productive will come from going over it again and again in your mind, so try and minimize that, too.

[shadowplay]

You shouldn't want to, simply because you have now seen what he is capable of. You are painfully aware of his capacity to lie, betray and hurt you.

 

All you need to do is review your posts from the past few weeks, and reread how you felt when he dropped you suddenly. THIS should help you gel why he isn't someone you should welcome back on any level.

 

Shadow, he has shown you who he is. Best you stop giving him more credit, when it's not appropriate. Trust what you have seen, and assume only more of the same would follow.

 

Yes, it was all BS, I'm afraid. He was getting his dick wet, and in that moment, he was telling you what you wanted to hear in order to keep it going. In fact, it seems that much of your dialogues lately are not volunteered information from him, but you pressing him with leading and difficult questions, to which he can only appease you, so as not to invite more wrath. It's like you're writing the whole script.

 

He feeds you the crumbs because you beg for them. Because you won't leave him alone long enough for him to NOT do or say something like this. You keep asking him to his face to reject you over and over (why?) and he is not stupid enough to do that again, for fear of the same onslaught, so he's lying to get out of the situation with you.

 

As soon as you stop confronting him, the confusion will clear, because he won't be going out of his way to hurt you.

 

I don't doubt he misses (some parts) of being with you. It wasn't 100% bad for him, so of course, as time and separation sits in, we all tend to memorialize the best of relationships. I'm sure he had a weak moment, or, in his ignorance, thought saying this to you would be helpful to your healing, rather than being smart enough to know it would have just the opposite effect.

 

Stay strong, sister. Keep yourself from triggers that will make you insane, like, checking his FB, etc. Pretty much at this point, you keep replaying conversations, etc. hoping it will change the reality of today. The only thing it does do, is keep you way too superglued to this all. Nothing productive will come from going over it again and again in your mind, so try and minimize that, too.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think it's become a vicious cycle. When we first broke up it was easier for me to tell myself I could do better and it was his loss, because he really was an arse about it.

 

Now that I've begged him a few times, it makes me feel like he was right for breaking up with me because I'm weak...and he's the stronger one. So then my brain concludes, that means I should hold onto him because he's better than I am and I really lucked out to have ever had him. I know that's screwed up logic, but it's hard to think myself out of it.

 

While I'm resolved not to talk to him again, I don't want to beat myself up for what I already did because it lowers my self esteem and starts those thoughts of he's better and therefore I should cling to him more.

 

The last time we spoke, I told him I didn't think I could talk to him ever again. I hope that's where it stays.

[shadowplay]

I guess what I'm saying is beating myself up for caving in the past isn't helping. Like right now it's just really reducing my self esteem. I feel like what I really need is some spirit of empowerment.

[Jilly Bean]

I feel like what I really need is some spirit of empowerment.

 

And that is already an option, Shadow.

 

All you have to do is maintain strict NC, and then you will have your power back.

 

No one but you is going to protect you from this. You already know that re-engaging with him is a bad idea. You have said numerous times that every time you talk to him, you lower your self-esteem and feel worse. So, the only one who can stop the cycle of abuse/pain is YOU.

[shadowplay]

And that is already an option, Shadow.

 

All you have to do is maintain strict NC, and then you will have your power back.

 

No one but you is going to protect you from this. You already know that re-engaging with him is a bad idea. You have said numerous times that every time you talk to him, you lower your self-esteem and feel worse. So, the only one who can stop the cycle of abuse/pain is YOU.

 

Thanks again for the advice, Jilly! I hope that going NC does empower me. I fear that I'll never be able to regain what I lost, that I'll always look back on this and shudder. But that's probably just the devil on my shoulder.

[shadowplay]

Goddammit, I miss him so much. This hurts like hell.

 

How do I flip my brain around so instead of seeing myself as the hapless victim who was left behind by somebody too good for me I see him as an idiot for breaking up with me? Do you guys still believe that he was?

[pandagirl]

Goddammit, I miss him so much. This hurts like hell.

 

How do I flip my brain around so instead of seeing myself as the hapless victim who was left behind by somebody too good for me I see him as an idiot for breaking up with me? Do you guys still believe that he was?

 

Write down on paper a list of all the things he's done to hurt you. Look at them. This is what he did to you. Yes, relationships sometimes end, but what he did/is doing speaks of his weak, immature and pathetic character.

 

You don't even have to take the "he's an idiot for breaking up with you" route. You just deserve better. You deserve to be treated with respect and not manipulated by some stupid boy. He's not unique or special. He's lame.

[northstar1]

Goddammit, I miss him so much. This hurts like hell.

 

How do I flip my brain around so instead of seeing myself as the hapless victim who was left behind by somebody too good for me I see him as an idiot for breaking up with me? Do you guys still believe that he was?

 

Shadow i think you need to find some things to keep you busy so you aren't so fixated on this db.

Join a gym, or a yoga class.........join a running group. take a photgraphy class, sign up for a local meet up group that goes out and does things like rock climbing, wine tours etc. go out and meet some new people at your school. just keep yourself busy and meet new healthy people

i think you are lonely, so you are grasping onto this guy at all costs.

 

there are better people out there who would like to treat you with respect and get to know you. give yourself a chance to meet them.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Shadow, I may be off base here but some of my latest thoughts on this guy are that he was a bit of sweet talker, someone who due to inexperience couldn't differentiate between lust/infatuation and love. Sexually, you were his first and it is very rare for a guy to stay in LTR with his first. I think that one of his main driving forces behind the break-up is that the relationship got too serious for him, he wanted freedom and he wanted to try other girls.

 

Now, if you didn't have your emotional issues and were able to keep it only "light" and "fun", he probably would have stayed with you a bit longer - but eventually relationship would still get too serious and he would bail.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, I may be off base here but some of my latest thoughts on this guy are that he was a bit of sweet talker, someone who due to inexperience couldn't differentiate between lust/infatuation and love. Sexually, you were his first and it is very rare for a guy to stay in LTR with his first. I think that one of his main driving forces behind the break-up is that the relationship got too serious for him, he wanted freedom and he wanted to try other girls.

 

Now, if you didn't have your emotional issues and were able to keep it only "light" and "fun", he probably would have stayed with you a bit longer - but eventually relationship would still get too serious and he would bail.

 

SAC, I completely agree at this point based on what he said the last time we spoke. He never directly admitted to this, but that was what I got reading between the lines.

 

It's ironic since he was always the one pushing the relationship in a serious direction, despite the fact that I repeatedly told him I had trust issues and wanted to proceed with caution.

 

The whole worrying about me too much thing seems like BS. You don't dump somebody because you're worried about them. I think that was just his brain's way of rationalizing what he did and making himself into a martyr.

[shadowplay]

I just woke up from a long nap (didn't get much sleep the night before), and I already feel a lot better. I think it cleared my head. At this moment, I'm not seeing him in a positive light. I know this feeling won't last, but I'm sure these good moments will become more frequent as I heal.