SP's coping log

[Hot Carl]

I know you guys won't believe me, but I swear to God I wasn't looking for a reason to see him. He had transferred some files to my computer earlier in the week and forgot to do that one.

 

You may be unclear on the concept, Shadow. No contact means absofreakinglutely no contact. No files. No texts. No excuses. I understand you have a class together, and that's pretty much as much contact as you can allow. It's not like you have a choice in that matter. Sit in the same room for an hour and ignore each other as much as possible.

 

But as far as contact you do have a choice about... If he forgot a file. Tough luck. No file. If you want to text. No text. If you want to call. No call. If you want to f*ck. No f*ck. No hugs. No kisses. No looks. No smiles. No nothing.

 

People are going to start wondering if you aren't out deliberately seeking pain and then coming here expecting them to help you get over it. When they start to suspect that, then they start to feel manipulated. At the very least ignored. If you want to balance the relationship you're currently having with him against the ones you have here, I would think the ones here have more value.

[Star Gazer]

These ARE excuses, Shadow... And you know it. You could have easily just had him drop it in the mail on a USB or under your door mat or any million other combinations.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself??

[SadandConfusedWA]

These ARE excuses, Shadow... And you know it. You could have easily just had him drop it in the mail on a USB or under your door mat or any million other combinations.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself??

 

Yes they are excuses. If you truly wanted no contact, there are ways to do exactly that. As for the class, I am sure there people in that class that you don't interact with at all. Now make him one of those people.

[shadowplay]

You guys are right, as usual.

[Hot Carl]

Say it again. Say "Hot Carl is always right."

[shadowplay]

Say it again. Say "Hot Carl is always right."

 

Please don't spank me.

[Hot Carl]

Please don't spank me.

 

Hm.. that hadn't even crossed my mind...

[shadowplay]

I have those classes with him tomorrow. I found a ride to the second class, so being with him in the car is no longer an issue. I WILL maintain no contact, aside from any light discussion we may need to have about the project....but only if he comes to me. I won't initiate anything, make eye contact or whatever.

 

 

Today when I saw him he said he's enjoying not being in a relationship. That really stung. I don't get the sense he really misses any of the things we shared. It's as if it were all a dream, or I was the only one present in the relationship. I don't understand how he's able to move on so quickly, or why he cares so little.

 

NC. NC. NC. That will be my mantra.

Edited April 20, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I did well this morning. Walked into class and sat on the other side of the room, whereas I usually sit near him. Didn't glance at him a single time. We had to divide up into groups and peer edit some papers, and for some reason he had to join mine, even though there were other groups closer to where he was sitting. He came and tapped on my shoulder and asked if he could join my group. I shrugged and said fine. I still continued to ignore him, and chatted with other people in the group. Then when class was over I immediately left. He caught up with me and asked if I still want to do the project in the other class with him. I said flatly, "I guess. It's kind of late to find other collaborators." Should I look for other people even though it is pretty late in the process? He said we could talk about the project in class tonight and said he'd see me there. We parted ways.

 

Guys, I feel so much better that I didn't cave this time and kept my dignity intact. This is the first time I've seen him and acted indifferent.

[Star Gazer]

I shrugged and said fine.

 

This is where you should have said, "I'd rather you not. Go to that group."

 

He caught up with me and asked if I still want to do the project in the other class with him. I said flatly, "I guess. It's kind of late to find other collaborators."

 

And this is where you should have said, "No, I don't want to do anything with you, project or anything else."

 

Should I look for other people even though it is pretty late in the process? He said we could talk about the project in class tonight and said he'd see me there.

 

Absolutely look for other people to work with.

 

TALKING TO HIM EVEN FOR ONE MINUTE is not NC, Shadow. Working with him, relying on him, for a school project is NOT NC. It does you know good. You have to REMOVE him from your life. You can't just shrug and let him pester you to get what he wants. Again, you're making excuses to see him and talk to him! WHY!?!

 

You do realize that he thinks he can stick around and wiggle in to use you as a masterbatory tool, don't you?

[shadowplay]

This is where you should have said, "I'd rather you not. Go to that group."

 

 

 

And this is where you should have said, "No, I don't want to do anything with you, project or anything else."

 

 

 

Absolutely look for other people to work with.

 

TALKING TO HIM EVEN FOR ONE MINUTE is not NC, Shadow. Working with him, relying on him, for a school project is NOT NC. It does you know good. You have to REMOVE him from your life. You can't just shrug and let him pester you to get what he wants. Again, you're making excuses to see him and talk to him! WHY!?!

 

You do realize that he thinks he can stick around and wiggle in to use you as a masterbatory tool, don't you?

 

I'm not making excuses. I'm just concerned that it's too late in the process to change groups for the project. When I get to class tonight, I will ask around and see if I can join another group.

 

In terms of him wanting to join my group, it caught me off guard and I didn't want to be rude. But I guess I should have told him no.

 

I was trying to be civil

[Rearden Metal]

It seems like you can create more separation between the two of you while remaining civil. The purpose of this is to continue to allow yourself to heal, and to not continue to be an emotional support of his (he's using you to assuage his guilt).

 

Just look for new collaborators and if you find one, tell him in a short manner that you are going to collaborate with someone else and apologize shortly for the inconvenience. Then go on with your life keeping as LC as possible.

[boogieboy]

I'm not making excuses. I'm just concerned that it's too late in the process to change groups for the project. When I get to class tonight, I will ask around and see if I can join another group.

 

In terms of him wanting to join my group, it caught me off guard and I didn't want to be rude. But I guess I should have told him no.

 

I was trying to be civil

 

Telling him no isnt being rude, he asked you, no is the answer. But rude or not, you have to heal. You cant worry about what he thinks of you anymore.

[shadowplay]

Hi guys. Thanks for the advice! I appreciate you keeping me in line with the NC. I will be doing what you suggested tonight.

 

This is the FIRST day since the breakup that I'm feeling OK, and in fact semi-good. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I didn't completely cave when I saw him in class. Or maybe it's that I'm getting my life more into order.

 

I know there are downs ahead, but this is a good sign.

 

When I saw him today, I just thought of him as weak, not as some prize.

 

It's like my feelings followed my indifferent behavior toward him. Funny how that works.

[shadowplay]

I"m about to leave for the class we have together. Just an hour and a half ago I was fine, and now I'm back to feeling uneasy and lonely again. I really hope I can hold it together. I've had contact cravings in the last fifteen minutes.

 

I could use some words of encouragement.

 

OK, I will be strong. I can do this.

[shadowplay]

So I found another group for the project, and I ignored my ex during class aside from telling him I wouldn't be working with him. What's getting on my nerves now is that he keeps staring at me, and it's making it harder for me to ignore him. He also seems to feed off of my behavior. When I ignore him he looks sad. When I don't, he seems indifferent. I don't know why this is getting on my nerves.

Edited April 21, 2010 by shadowplay

[Hot Carl]

You did the right thing. I'm impressed.

 

It's a little perverse but true: It's almost as hard on the dumper to see the dumpee move on. Part of his reality over the past months has been your devotion. And it has intensified since the breakup. He may not have what it takes to be with you, but he still wants you to want him. And when you show that you don't that's a rejection that can be hard to take. It triggers the same feelings of "what's wrong with me" in him that it has you. If you got involved with someone else, he'd feel like hell and his self-esteem would suffer.

 

The underpinning of most relationships is ego. More than love.

[shadowplay]

You did the right thing. I'm impressed.

 

It's a little perverse but true: It's almost as hard on the dumper to see the dumpee move on. Part of his reality over the past months has been your devotion. And it has intensified since the breakup. He may not have what it takes to be with you, but he still wants you to want him. And when you show that you don't that's a rejection that can be hard to take. It triggers the same feelings of "what's wrong with me" in him that it has you. If you got involved with someone else, he'd feel like hell and his self-esteem would suffer.

 

The underpinning of most relationships is ego. More than love.

 

You are a wise one, HC.

[SadandConfusedWA]

You did the right thing. I'm impressed.

 

It's a little perverse but true: It's almost as hard on the dumper to see the dumpee move on. Part of his reality over the past months has been your devotion. And it has intensified since the breakup. He may not have what it takes to be with you, but he still wants you to want him. And when you show that you don't that's a rejection that can be hard to take. It triggers the same feelings of "what's wrong with me" in him that it has you. If you got involved with someone else, he'd feel like hell and his self-esteem would suffer.

 

The underpinning of most relationships is ego. More than love.

 

This is SO SO true.

[SadandConfusedWA]

The problem here shadow is that the more you ignore him the more likely it is that he will do things to get your attention back. You might mistake this for "love" and get sucked back into his vortex - at which point he will just discard you again. It might take a few cycles of this for you to move on properly.

[shadowplay]

Remember how I removed him as a facebook friend? Well unfortunately his facebook page is completely public, and I just traipsed over there. He still has "in a relationship" as his status...I'm sure it's to spare me the pain of having a public breakup over fb.

 

But what hurt just now is I see he added this girl as a friend from our class. I've suspected for awhile that he has a crush on this girl, though he denied it. Part of it is that she's the only other attractive girl in the class, and she seems fairly intelligent. Now he's working on that project with her and they're facebook friends. And according to her page she's single. If he makes a move on her this soon after we broke up my head will explode. I wouldn't put it past him. I know I shouldn't care...and maybe I'm just jumping to assumptions...but this still hurts.

[shadowplay]

God this is really getting to me. My heart's racing and I can't fall asleep.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Block him. Block him block him block him. Believe me that seeing his facebook every day will delay your healing ten-fold. You may not listen to me yet because I understand you're hurting like hell right now. I didn't listen either when I was where you are now. But YOU MUST DO IT. It will hurt like crazy at first.... but then you will eventually find a certain peace in not knowing every move he makes. Do it.

[Rearden Metal]

Block him. Block him block him block him. Believe me that seeing his facebook every day will delay your healing ten-fold. You may not listen to me yet because I understand you're hurting like hell right now. I didn't listen either when I was where you are now. But YOU MUST DO IT. It will hurt like crazy at first.... but then you will eventually find a certain peace in not knowing every move he makes. Do it.

 

ditto. Block that cock and start writing a list of all of his faults.

[shadowplay]

We hadn't spoken in a couple of days. Then today he came up to me and said something to me that makes me think he may want to get back together eventually.

 

If he decides to take me back I'll be both happy and nervous. But right now I just don't know what to make of it.