SP's coping log

[SadandConfusedWA]

I know, doesn't that just go to show you what an emotional hook on me this guy has? I thought I'd be totally turned off too, and I still wouldn't do it, but I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to be grossed out by anything about him. Almost any form of intimacy with him seems nice, because I'd be the one giving him pleasure. But I still ain't gonna do it.

 

As awful as it was being pregnant I'd give ANYTHING to go back to feeling like I did then about him.

 

 

I can understand that. And yes, I have felt such a strong emotional pull towards certain guys that I can see how almost nothing they did and asked would truly turn me off.

 

As for your previous post, I too feel that LS is very intolerant of any weakness and is kind of too harsh with NC stuff. It's like people here don't understand that you can't just give intellectual advice but need to make allowances for emotions. NC is very unrealistic and unnatural after you have been close to someone for a while. This is why I lately refrain from posting any truly personal issues, and when I do post I end up editing it out or being too afraid to go back to my own threads.

 

I think that you should do what you need to do shadow and try to minimize feeling miserable in the process.

[shadowplay]

 

I think that you should do what you need to do shadow and try to minimize feeling miserable in the process.

 

 

Thanks, SAC. That's what I'm trying.

[CLC2008]

Here Shadow, get empowered:

 

[Ariadne]

Yeah... or dance or something:

 

[CLC2008]

Yeah... or dance or something:

 

 

 

Sweet! :bunny:

[Star Gazer]

I get some really vicious comments from a few users if I ever break down (which she found appalling). I don't mind people disagreeing with what I do, but stop insulting me. It just leaves me ****ty and then doesn't even stop me from making the same mistake. So it's a lose-lose. If you feel like you're going to insult me, then just refrain from commenting.

 

I haven't seen anyone be vicious to you, Shadow. And before you go say I have, I want you to go back and read everything I've said to you in your threads and quote where I've been vicious. Or anyone else for that matter.

 

You want control back in your life. And I do think you need it. But you cannot control what people say to you here. So I think the best solution for you, honestly, is to speak only with your therapist, and just stop posting here. Because you're NOT going to stop getting responses that are things you don't want to hear - not matter how many times you ask. This is, after all, a public forum. And if you post your life here, and display behaviors that people disagree with or think are inherently unhealthy, you need to be prepared to have people call you out on it - not pat you on the head or continue to enable your destructive behavior.

 

And stop calling your conscious decisions "mistakes." CHOOSING to IM him because you wanted to talk to him isn't a "mistake." That was a conscious decision. Calling it a "mistake" is insulting to OUR intelligence. It's like Tiger saying he slipped and fell and his penis just happened to fall in 13 women's hoo-has.

[shadowplay]

I will be putting members on ignore whose comments aren't well-intentioned. Right now this only applies to one member. Again, I don't mind hearing advice that disagrees with my behavior or includes constructive criticism, but getting insulted isn't what I've come here for. I come to loveshack for support through the recovery process, not to be put down. Just because LS is a public forum doesn't mean there should be an "anything goes" attitude when giving feedback to people who have come here for support. Right now I have enough reasons to feel down; I don't need more.

 

By and large most of the responses (99.9%) have been very helpful even when they've been hard to read. Thanks to those who have and continue to offer support! I appreciate it greatly.

[shadowplay]

For the love of god and all that is holy, please let me not eulogize Scott in my memory. I don't want to always think of him as the only guy I'll ever feel this way about, and not let any other guy compare. That would be a personal hell.

 

I'm scared because I know have that ability. I was obsessed with Harvard guy for 8 years, 7 of which I never even saw him or contacted him because he lived across the country. For all that time I thought he was "the one."

 

Honestly, it was only the shock and pain of this breakup that finally knocked HG entirely off his pedestal (though he was barely hanging from it by a thread at this point). I feel like an idiot for wasting so much mental energy on him.

 

I have a stubborn freakin' brain. I just really hope this doesn't happen again, and I've matured past this obsessive bullsh$%t. I look at a few members who never were able to move on and worry I'll become like them..

 

I think I need to write down a list of everything I dislike about him.

Edited April 29, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

I will be putting members on ignore whose comments aren't well-intentioned. Right now this only applies to one member. Again, I don't mind hearing advice that disagrees with my behavior or includes constructive criticism, but getting insulted isn't what I've come here for. I come to loveshack for support through the recovery process, not to be put down. Just because LS is a public forum doesn't mean there should be an "anything goes" attitude when giving feedback to people who have come here for support. Right now I have enough reasons to feel down; I don't need more.

 

By and large most of the responses (99.9%) have been very helpful even when they've been hard to read. Thanks to those who have and continue to offer support! I appreciate it greatly.

 

Okay, Shadow. I'll reserve my advice for someone who's actually open to help.

 

Have a nice day.

[shadowplay]

Here's my list so far:

 

 

1) How sweet and trustworthy he depicted himself to be, and how he treated me like **** during the breakup.

2) How his feelings switched off for no reason, and he didn’t even try to work things out.

3) How he’s weak and a coward

4) How on a deep level he’s unwilling to take blame for his problem (originally made an appointment with a therapist and then cancelled)

5) How he was disturbingly willing to use me for sex

6) How he’s enmeshed with his family to an unhealthy extent so that he could never put me as a priority

7) How he has the emotional maturity of a twelve year old

8) How he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants, how he’s not solid at his core

9) How easily he was able to detach from me after the breakup.

10) How he hates reading, has very little desire to learn, and how limited his vocabulary is.

11) How entitled he acts about his needs when I ended up compromising so many of mine.

12) How he enlisted his father and brother as protection when we broke up because he was too much of a pussy to face me alone.

13) How he’s not a man, not even close.

14) How I was constantly recruited to reassure him about his insecurities (if I loved him, would leave him), but was dumped for expressing any of my own.

15) His teeth, how they’re spacey and have brown stains

16) How he talks when he’s trying to sound smart, drawing out and enunciating certain syllables like an overcompensating retard.

17) His lame infinity symbol tattoo

18) How 90% of the music he listens to is drone. How he can’t appreciate any music that has emotional content or is straightforward in any way. How all of his music sounds robotic and disconnected, much like his brain. How he is unable to appreciate lyrics.

19) How ALL of his art revolves around the same cliché theme – the dehumanizing effect of technology. And how he’s just willing to leave it at that without putting an original spin on it.

20) How he doesn’t think. He just feels and does. He isn’t introspective or reflective or observant. He can make value judgments, state likes and dislikes, but that’s it.

21) How stubby his toes and fingers are.

22) How his legs are too short for his body.

23) How he’s out of shape and never went to the gym.

24) How all of his sentences go up at the end, because he's too much of a pussy to make an actual statement.

25) How he’s passive and nice to everyone and then disses certain people behind their back.

26) How he talks like he’s fifteen.

27) How whenever I alerted him to something he was doing to hurt me after the breakup he said defensively, "I was just raised that way," because he has no fcking mind of his own.

 

It will be a growing list . This is actually making me feel better.

Edited April 29, 2010 by shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

28) How he likes it up the butt but claims he's straight.

 

Seriously, that list kinda grosses me out. You should print it out and carry it with you.

 

(Okay, bowing out now.)

[SadandConfusedWA]

For the love of god and all that is holy, please let me not eulogize Scott in my memory. I don't want to always think of him as the only guy I'll ever feel this way about, and not let any other guy compare. That would be a personal hell.

 

I'm scared because I know have that ability. I was obsessed with Harvard guy for 8 years, 7 of which I never even saw him or contacted him because he lived across the country. For all that time I thought he was "the one."

 

Honestly, it was only the shock and pain of this breakup that finally knocked HG entirely off his pedestal (though he was barely hanging from it by a thread at this point). I feel like an idiot for wasting so much mental energy on him.

 

I have a stubborn freakin' brain. I just really hope this doesn't happen again, and I've matured past this obsessive bullsh$%t. I look at a few members who never were able to move on and worry I'll become like them..

 

I think I need to write down a list of everything I dislike about him.

 

I have the exact same type of brain and by 31, I still haven't grown out of it and I doubt that I ever will. It can be a good thing when channeled properly, as in I can nowdays (occasionally) get obssesed with a math problem that I can't solve - and I would literally be unable to eat, sleep or think of anything else until I solve it.

 

However, you should look at your Scott problem this way: you have been obsessing over Harvard guy for years, never thought that you will get over him, yet you met Scott and you did. Now Scott has replaced Harvard guy and it will probably be so until you meet the next guy and so on until forever. Those obsessive cycles DO get somewhat shorter each time so that's something to look forward to.

 

P.S. As others have pointed out, I still wouldn't completly discount the possibility that Scott is a latent homosexual.

[Els]

The list is a good idea. I found it helped me a lot in the past.

[Kamille]

I spent all of high school obessed about one guy and than the first two years of University obessed about another. Oh the time wasted! But, I can tell you this: you will learn not to do this to yourself. It just becomes a conscious decision at one point. "I will not waste my time on someone who doesn't reciprocate my interest."

[shadowplay]

Lol. From my view in this lounge, I just observed my ex and ex ex pass each other on the sidewalk outside, neither I'm sure having any clue who the other was (they've never met).

[shadowplay]

This so hard, especially when I have PMS I'm dead tired (got five hours of sleep last night) and have to work on a paper I loathe all night. Haven't contacted him in 32 hours. The urge is so strong, but I'll keep resisting.

[threebyfate]

Good list Shadow! Use it as your screensaver and also, print it out and tape it to your bedpost. Read it every night before going to sleep.

[Kamille]

This so hard, especially when I have PMS I'm dead tired (got five hours of sleep last night) and have to work on a paper I loathe all night. Haven't contacted him in 32 hours. The urge is so strong, but I'll keep resisting.

 

You're doing good shadow! Keep resisting!

[shadowplay]

OK, I finally am starting to really feel like I can't be friends with him or even hang out again. I hope this feeling solidifies. It's unhealthy and crazy to try to leave him with a good impression on the slim chance that he'll some day change his mind. It's like I'm clinging to it because I think he's my only real chance of happiness. Somebody else can't be that important to me. I need to take care of myself and build up my own self confidence.

[shadowplay]

And you know what, if I had a choice between him and so many other things that would make me happy I'd pick those other things. If it was between him and making a film I'm proud of for my thesis show next semester, I'd pick the latter without hesitation. If it was between him and gaining a sense of confidence, I'd also pick the latter easily. I think it's just that I don't see those alternative, real ways of gaining happiness as options for me...so I'm clinging to his scraps out of fear that it's all I can ever get. It's ridiculous, right?

[Kamille]

The best way to leave them with a good impression is to exit gracefully. The longer you hang on, the longer you're dragging the "negative break-up" part in his mind. Right now he isn't in a state of mind to be positive and receptive to anything you have to say anyway, so why put yourself in a disadvantageous position? Walk away.

 

Shadow, you are already doing those things you would chose, so you are choosing them. You are leading your life. I think this is what I find most confusing about you: you're very strong and you have a great sense of who you are. Yet, your dominant inner voice keeps telling you that you're weak. You'll often negotiate with this voice, instead of choosing to ignore it. (My therapist would have had me try to identify what part of my upbringing reinforced that perception of myself.)

[SadandConfusedWA]

Some people on LS keep telling her that she is weak Kamille

[shadowplay]

The best way to leave them with a good impression is to exit gracefully. The longer you hang on, the longer you're dragging the "negative break-up" part in his mind. Right now he isn't in a state of mind to be positive and receptive to anything you have to say anyway, so why put yourself in a disadvantageous position? Walk away.

 

Shadow, you are already doing those things you would chose, so you are choosing them. You are leading your life. I think this is what I find most confusing about you: you're very strong and you have a great sense of who you are. Yet, your dominant inner voice keeps telling you that you're weak. You'll often negotiate with this voice, instead of choosing to ignore it. (My therapist would have had me try to identify what part of my upbringing reinforced that perception of myself.)

 

I don't understand it myself. I have a strong sense of myself in many ways, on a kind of intuitive level, but I'm underdeveloped in others. I don't have the life evidence to back up my sense of self or confidence. For many years I've avoided really developing myself (academically, creatively, socially and just in general as an adult), so this lowers my self esteem.

[shadowplay]

It's so, so hard seeing him all the time and thinking about how he'll probably go on to live this fabulous life without me while I go on with a miserable existence. I know that sounds incredibly bleak, but it's how I feel right now. I feel like he was my one chance at a happy, normal life. Goddamit. And the odd thing is before I met him I didnt feel that miserable or bleak, even though I was at the tail end of a dead relationship so pretty much alone, but now that I've lost him I do. Isn't that weird?

 

Why didn't I go to that class? We would still be together. In fact we might have gotten married and lived the rest of our lives together if it hadn't been for that stupid class. I honestly believe that.

 

Well if there's one positive thing that came out of this it's that he finally got me rid of my ex ex. I had a dream over a year ago before we ever spoke that we fell in love and he saved me from my ex ex, and then he actually did.

 

But now I need someone to save me from him. I guess that has to be myself. It's sort of like the difference between going off an antidepressant medication cold turkey versus replacing it with another drug as you wean off it. The latter is a lot easier. The former is doable, but it's hella painful.

Edited April 30, 2010 by shadowplay

[sb129]

Shadow, if you place your chances of happiness on someone elses shoulders, you will never be happy.

 

YOU are the one chance you have of having a happy normal life. YOU are the only person who can make that happen.

 

Until you feel that way, every R you enter will be doomed from the start.