SP's coping log

[sb129]

PS- and you don't need "sympathy"- you need a reality check.

 

I had "sympathy" in spades from various friends, and all it did was affirm that I was actually normal, and that my behaviour was OK, and that if I just kept doing what I was doing, eventually I would hit the jackpot.

 

I hit the jackpot alright: with a MM who helped my self esteem sink even lower than I would have thought humanly possible, who put me through the emotional wringer to the point that I was an emotional wreck of a person in danger of losing any shred of respect from my friends and family.

 

I learned the hard way that I was actually worthy of being someones no 1. A very hard, painful way. And the ONLY thing that worked in the end was no contact. I erased him from my life, despite repeated attempts at contact from him.

 

If i never see him again, it will be too soon.

 

SP- I don't want you to go through that kind of heartache, as I think you are potentially more fragile than I am.

[shadowplay]

First day of NC. Wish me luck, guys!

[RobM]

Good luck (but my guess is still tuesday or wednesday at the latest).

[Kamille]

First day of NC. Wish me luck, guys!

 

It's going to hurt, you will feel the itch, you will find reasons to try and get in touch with him. Recognize now that that's only your 'addiction' voice trying to negociate with your sane rational side. Make the commitment to ignore the 'addiction' voice and to privilege your sane, rational, healthy side.

 

Good luck

[SadandConfusedWA]

Good luck shadow.

 

It is important to realize that all the people that are beating shadow over the head with strict NC, are only going to make her not want to write and share what she is going through on LS. Writing about her pain is an important outlet for her and is therapeutic and will speed up the healing.

[Star Gazer]

Ok, so insult me, thats totally fine.

 

 

 

Sigh. I do find you quite self indulgent at times SP.

 

 

 

I have advice: and its NO CONTACT.

I have been consistent with this from the start, and not just in this thread.

Its not an ego trip. Why would it be? I have nothing to gain from ego tripping on your threads.

I haven't forgotten my own mistakes or weaknesses, and its those that make me feel qualified to give you a virtual kick in the pants.

 

I HAVE been in your shoes SP, and I did all the stuff you did.

I had a crappy self esteem like you do and I thought I was unique like you do. Interestingly, I could quote angsty writers and poets back then too, because I had far too much time to wallow in my own self pity and despair.

 

Most of this was pre-text/FB days but the motivations are exactly the same.

"Oh I am just going to call and tell him that I am not going to contact him anymore" (secretly hoping that he would think that if I appeared to have moved on he would want me back)

 

I would secretly look forward to the class even though I knew it would end in me being devastated that he had ignored me.

 

I would get drunk and go home via his house, convinced he saw me one more time he would want me to stay. (He did, but only for the night, for sex)

I moved towns and HEMISPHERES in the deluded hope that he would "realise" I was the one for him.

 

And please note: this was more than one person on more than one occasion.

 

I had my heart trampled on over and over and over again.

Over the space of nearly ten years.

 

The difference between me and you is: I had NOBODY telling me what I was doing was stupid, because hardly anyone knew what was really going on inside my head. I had nobody reminding me of my worth, or telling me that these guys were losers, or questioning my actions.

I had nobody telling m to move on and stop contacting these people for my own sake.

 

You DO. Repeatedly.

 

And I wish wish wish I had had someone give me some of the advice you have been given here, it might have saved me a couple of years of grief.

 

As it is, I didn't emerge from the depths till around my 29th birthday. If you could get out of yours before then, then thats 3 years you'll have on me.

 

Brilliant post, SB.

[sb129]

I think I am on ignore though....

[Star Gazer]

I think I am on ignore though....

 

You may be. I know I am. But I also know that while she may not be listening, others are, and your comments help them just as much as they're designed to help her.

[shadowplay]

Saw him in the computer lab, didn't make eye contact. He approached me and asked a question about a class. I gave him a short, cold, "I don't know," and avoided making eye contact with him. I hope that counts as NC. It would have been weird to say nothing because other people were standing around.

 

I did have the urge to say something to him, but resisted. It wasn't that hard, but I'm sure it'll get harder as time passes (and then hopefully easier again).

[Kamille]

Saw him in the computer lab, didn't make eye contact. He approached me and asked a question about a class. I gave him a short, cold, "I don't know," and avoided making eye contact with him. I hope that counts as NC. It would have been weird to say nothing because other people were standing around.

 

I did have the urge to say something to him, but resisted. It wasn't that hard, but I'm sure it'll get harder as time passes (and then hopefully easier again).

 

Step one accomplished. Take the time to be proud you pulled it off.

 

Yes, it will get easier.

[sb129]

Good work SP. It does get easier.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Ok, so insult me, thats totally fine.

 

 

 

Sigh. I do find you quite self indulgent at times SP.

 

 

 

I have advice: and its NO CONTACT.

I have been consistent with this from the start, and not just in this thread.

Its not an ego trip. Why would it be? I have nothing to gain from ego tripping on your threads.

I haven't forgotten my own mistakes or weaknesses, and its those that make me feel qualified to give you a virtual kick in the pants.

 

I HAVE been in your shoes SP, and I did all the stuff you did.

I had a crappy self esteem like you do and I thought I was unique like you do. Interestingly, I could quote angsty writers and poets back then too, because I had far too much time to wallow in my own self pity and despair.

 

Most of this was pre-text/FB days but the motivations are exactly the same.

"Oh I am just going to call and tell him that I am not going to contact him anymore" (secretly hoping that he would think that if I appeared to have moved on he would want me back)

 

I would secretly look forward to the class even though I knew it would end in me being devastated that he had ignored me.

 

I would get drunk and go home via his house, convinced he saw me one more time he would want me to stay. (He did, but only for the night, for sex)

I moved towns and HEMISPHERES in the deluded hope that he would "realise" I was the one for him.

 

And please note: this was more than one person on more than one occasion.

 

I had my heart trampled on over and over and over again.

Over the space of nearly ten years.

 

The difference between me and you is: I had NOBODY telling me what I was doing was stupid, because hardly anyone knew what was really going on inside my head. I had nobody reminding me of my worth, or telling me that these guys were losers, or questioning my actions.

I had nobody telling m to move on and stop contacting these people for my own sake.

 

You DO. Repeatedly.

 

And I wish wish wish I had had someone give me some of the advice you have been given here, it might have saved me a couple of years of grief.

 

As it is, I didn't emerge from the depths till around my 29th birthday. If you could get out of yours before then, then thats 3 years you'll have on me.

 

For it is worth sb, your post helped me

[shadowplay]

What confuses the hell out of me is the last few times we saw each other (before that he seemed more detached) he was visibly extremely sad the whole time. He would touch and kiss me and then stop and get really upset. And he even started to say that he wasn't sure if we should hang out anymore because it was making him so sad that he'd be down the whole day and have trouble doing his work. He couldn't even make eye contact without shuddering. It was just weird because he seemed to be more upset than I was. And it wasn't put on. I've heard some girls act like this after they dump someone, but rarely a guy.

 

It makes no sense to me. If you feel that strongly about somebody why would you suddenly dump them for no good reason and not even try to work things out? Lame.

Edited May 3, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Goddamn this is hard. Why is it I feel like I'm actually hurting myself by cutting off contact with him, even though that defies reason? I think on some level I just don't believe I'll ever find who loves me again who I love, and I'll end up settling for somebody I have no feelings for. With this mindset, scraps feel better than nothing. Yet, I have to somehow combat these feelings.

[RobM]

You're still young and it's hard for you to believe but speaking as someone twice your age, he's not the last guy you're gonna love.

[northstar1]

Goddamn this is hard. Why is it I feel like I'm actually hurting myself by cutting off contact with him, even though that defies reason? I think on some level I just don't believe I'll ever find who loves me again who I love, and I'll end up settling for somebody I have no feelings for. With this mindset, scraps feel better than nothing. Yet, I have to somehow combat these feelings.

 

Because you are feeling lonely. What are you doing to keep busy, other than school?

[Kamille]

Goddamn this is hard. Why is it I feel like I'm actually hurting myself by cutting off contact with him, even though that defies reason? I think on some level I just don't believe I'll ever find who loves me again who I love, and I'll end up settling for somebody I have no feelings for. With this mindset, scraps feel better than nothing. Yet, I have to somehow combat these feelings.

 

Yeah, here it is. That's the 'addictive' voice, the one who will try to find reasons to contact him. It is currently feeding into your worst fears. It's the best way to get you to cave.

 

This is the tough dark part, but stick it out SP. Tomorrow morning you will be relieved you stuck it through. Then it will get tough again, and then it will get easier again until you're trained at ignoring those negative, self-destructive thoughts.

 

And you know what else, by combatting these feelings, you're affirming to yourself that you are worthy of love. You're putting the lie to that self-destructive inner voice. It doesn't feel like it now, but in the long run, ignoring these feelings - even though they feel "real" and ignoring these thoughts, even though you're convinced they're "true", will make you stronger.

 

Stick to it. Get yourself busy. Why not work on the stepladder thing TBF mentioned?

[shadowplay]

Yeah, here it is. That's the 'addictive' voice, the one who will try to find reasons to contact him. It is currently feeding into your worst fears. It's the best way to get you to cave.

 

This is the tough dark part, but stick it out SP. Tomorrow morning you will be relieved you stuck it through. Then it will get tough again, and then it will get easier again until you're trained at ignoring those negative, self-destructive thoughts.

 

And you know what else, by combatting these feelings, you're affirming to yourself that you are worthy of love. You're putting the lie to that self-destructive inner voice. It doesn't feel like it now, but in the long run, ignoring these feelings - even though they feel "real" and ignoring these thoughts, even though you're convinced they're "true", will make you stronger.

 

Stick to it. Get yourself busy. Why not work on the stepladder thing TBF mentioned?

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Wow, my mood swings have been drastic. Just minutes ago I was walking home and feeling deeply depressed, but when I got back to my place I almost immediately felt better. It's good to know that these moods don't last. Even if they return, they're never permanent.

 

Kamille, I really, really appreciate your support, as well as all the support I've received on here. I can't tell you how much it is helping me get through this. Every time today I've felt like caving, I've thought of what everybody on here has told me and it's really helped me get through.

 

Ha, I'm actually planning on creating the first step on my staircase before I go to sleep tonight.

[sb129]

Thanks S&C.

 

Not that its been acknowledged by the OP (she was pretty quick to push the ignore button once my responses weren't sugar coated.)

 

If you are listening SP, you need to find something else to focus your attentions on. Do you have any external interests that you can turn your attention to? Do you go to the gym? Working out is my number one stress and down feelings buster, and its what got me through a pretty nasty case of post natal depression.

YES its hard, and sad and lonely and all that.

But the ONLY person that can do anything about that is you.

 

I don't know what time it is there, but when its daytime, I suggest you go for a long walk with your ipod playing the most upbeat tunes it has on it.

I made a playlist once of songs I knew wouldn't make me sad or morose, and deleted everything else off the ipod. I use it to run to now.

The sunnier the day, the better. Try and do it every day- it will be good for your body and soul.

[Star Gazer]

For it is worth sb, your post helped me

 

See, SB! Told ya!! xo

[shadowplay]

Because you are feeling lonely. What are you doing to keep busy, other than school?

 

Unfortunately for the next week (last of the semester, and I'm graduating next fall), that's it because I don't have time for anything else. After that I'll start seriously looking for a job, a new place to live with other people. I was also thinking about joining a unitarian church. Even though I'm not at all religious and hated the unitarian church I went to as a kid, and unitarians usually annoy me, at this point I'm desperate for some sense of community. It might be a good temporary thing to get me over this hump.

[Kamille]

If you are listening SP, you need to find something else to focus your attentions on. Do you have any external interests that you can turn your attention to? Do you go to the gym? Working out is my number one stress and down feelings buster, and its what got me through a pretty nasty case of post natal depression.

YES its hard, and sad and lonely and all that.

But the ONLY person that can do anything about that is you.

 

I don't know what time it is there, but when its daytime, I suggest you go for a long walk with your ipod playing the most upbeat tunes it has on it.

I made a playlist once of songs I knew wouldn't make me sad or morose, and deleted everything else off the ipod. I use it to run to now.

The sunnier the day, the better. Try and do it every day- it will be good for your body and soul.

 

All great suggestions.

[shadowplay]

Thanks S&C.

 

Not that its been acknowledged by the OP (she was pretty quick to push the ignore button once my responses weren't sugar coated.)

 

If you are listening SP, you need to find something else to focus your attentions on. Do you have any external interests that you can turn your attention to? Do you go to the gym? Working out is my number one stress and down feelings buster, and its what got me through a pretty nasty case of post natal depression.

YES its hard, and sad and lonely and all that.

But the ONLY person that can do anything about that is you.

 

I don't know what time it is there, but when its daytime, I suggest you go for a long walk with your ipod playing the most upbeat tunes it has on it.

I made a playlist once of songs I knew wouldn't make me sad or morose, and deleted everything else off the ipod. I use it to run to now.

The sunnier the day, the better. Try and do it every day- it will be good for your body and soul.

 

I haven't put you on ignore.

 

External interests are something I need to develop. As a kid I liked writing, drawing, reading, but those kind of fell by the wayside as other things started to occupy my brain. I'd love to get back into some of that stuff.

 

Going to the gym is another thing I want to do once the semester ends.

 

Any other suggestions, guys?

 

I'm not very athletic. In fact, my body is really weak (always has been), but maybe I could get in better shape.

[Kamille]

Wow, my mood swings have been drastic. Just minutes ago I was walking home and feeling deeply depressed, but when I got back to my place I almost immediately felt better. It's good to know that these moods don't last. Even if they return, they're never permanent.

 

 

exactly! And the longer you stick to NC, the longer the good spells last. Contact sets you back. Sticking to NC is rewarding.

[northstar1]

Unfortunately for the next week (last of the semester, and I'm graduating next fall), that's it because I don't have time for anything else. After that I'll start seriously looking for a job, a new place to live with other people. I was also thinking about joining a unitarian church. Even though I'm not at all religious and hated the unitarian church I went to as a kid, and unitarians usually annoy me, at this point I'm desperate for some sense of community. It might be a good temporary thing to get me over this hump.

 

What about joining a Yoga class or Pilates or running group? It's a great way to keep busy, burn off stress and meet people.

Check your college paper, or local arts paper, there are probably writing/poetry readings, festivals etc. These things help to build community and allow you to meet people. Or check out a local band at a pub or that. Just things to get out and meet new people. I dont know if you are in a big city or not, but there are usually social meeting groups for singles where you can go on hikes, wine tasting etc. No pressure to date or that, but a good way to find people with like interests.