Ariadne Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 wish there were people in my life to replace the hole do good things for myself...that only goes so far People need people once I get over that hump of making a friend or two... And there she goes being bored.. I think when people say that you are not "independent" they mean this. They probably sense that you can't be alone and will go to all lengths to keep them. It's almost like a desperation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 And there she goes being bored.. I think when people say that you are not "independent" they mean this. They probably sense that you can't be alone and will go to all lengths to keep them. It's almost like a desperation. this may be true, but it's a difficult trap to escape. As long as I don't have friends I will feel desperate on some level (which is understandable), but that desperation will also make it harder for me to make friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 this may be true, but it's a difficult trap to escape. As long as I don't have friends I will feel desperate on some level (which is understandable), but that desperation will also make it harder for me to make friends. Yeah, it is what is it is. Especially if you don't have a bf then is the friend. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 I think that this guy is possibly an even bigger a-hole than your ex ex. Also, from everything you have written about him, your conversations etc, he doesn't seem intelligent AT ALL. You are miles ahead of him. As for being awkward around people, I can relate. I remember when we got a new girl at work and I thought I will go out of my way to be nice and friendly to her. So I would stop by her office every now and then for a short chat and I thought that we were getting along well and had a few laughs. Fast forward to now, I am sharing an office with her and she told me last week how that when she started and I stopped by for chats, that I seemed really "nervous and awkward" Now I wonder how many other people I creep out and don't even know it. That comment somehow stuck in my mind Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 FWIW, I agree with your ex 100000% regarding your lack of independence. You have repeatedly said you have no friends, and that he's the only one you know in town. Of course you're going to cling to him under those circumstances, both emotionally and figuratively. Thing is, if you WERE independent you wouldn't be in as much turmoil as you are now. But independence doesn't come from just having other people in your life. People add to our lives - they don't make it. But on the other hand, I say this now knowing full well that I felt slightly incomplete (in retrospect!) before BF came into my life... Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 Still he didn't discuss the independence thing or any of the other issues before he dumped her. He has lead her to beleive that everything was perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) -------------- (deleted post) Edited May 15, 2010 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 The second thing he mentioned is that I'm sometimes unintentionally rude to strangers. This is something I wasn't even aware of, but according to him sometimes my tone around strangers sounds rude (like with waiters, clerks or whatever). Again, had no clue this was an issue... For some reason this complaint in particular made me feel pretty awful. I think it's because I already feel so bad about how I come across to others and how little control I seem to have over it. I try hard to be friendly, but people always misinterpret my shyness. And it's also the fact that a rather superficial trait about me could be a deal breaker for somebody I trust. I worry that this will be a problem with anybody, and I don't know how to change it because I don't even know what I'm doing wrong to come across as rude. It just sucks that someone who once told me he totally accepted me on a deep level would hold trivial stuff against me. I asked him if years from now I had gotten over these issues and he had gotten over his own if he'd want to be with me and he said no. I'm glad I haven't talked to him in over a week, but all these things keep running through my head. Sometimes I feel better. Sometimes they sneak back in my brain. I wouldn't worry so much about this if only ONE person said it. His observations could really be more due to him - now that he's broken up with you, he's trying to rationalize it by exaggerating all of your bad points, maybe even making some up... you get the idea. Has anyone else ever told you that you appear rude to strangers? Still he didn't discuss the independence thing or any of the other issues before he dumped her. He has lead her to beleive that everything was perfect. Agreed. How will she ever be able to fix a problem if it is not even mentioned to her prior to a breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 He has lead her to beleive that everything was perfect. Totally disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 Has anyone else ever told you that you appear rude to strangers? I've been told that I sometimes come off as unfriendly with new people I'm meeting in a social setting (because I'm quiet). Never been told I'm rude to waiters, clerks, etc. In fact, I've been told the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 Totally disagree. What are yout alking about? He never criticized me once in our relaitonship and repeatedly said how "perfect" I was and how there was nothing about me he'd change. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 What are yout alking about? He never criticized me once in our relaitonship and repeatedly said how "perfect" I was and how there was nothing about me he'd change. Yes but his actions speak louder than his words in that respect, don't they? Not a reflection on your imperfections- but on HIS. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 Yes but his actions speak louder than his words in that respect, don't they? Exactly right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 Yes but his actions speak louder than his words in that respect, don't they? Not a reflection on your imperfections- but on HIS. Of course they do. I think there's just a misunderstanding about what SadandConfused and I meant. We're pointing out that he never let me know he had even the smallest problem with me before the breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 (edited) Received an award from the department for my short film today. That felt good. I will say that my life has changed a lot since this breakup and mostly for the better...even if I feel lonelier inside. It's weird -- I feel a lot less comfortable than I did, but also more confident and hopeful about the future. I doubt I'd even have been motivated to enter this competition had we still been together. I've also been much more organized and hard-working, been going to therapy on a regular basis, landed a cool internship and looking for a new place to live. Edited May 15, 2010 by shadowplay Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 We're pointing out that he never let me know he had even the smallest problem with me before the breakup. But.... he did. He did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 But.... he did. He did. When? ------------------------ Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 But.... he did. He did. How and when? As far as I know, he only brought those issues up after the break up, not giving Shadow a chance to even attempt to fix anything. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Received an award from the department for my short film today. That felt good. I will say that my life has changed a lot since this breakup and mostly for the better...even if I feel lonelier inside. It's weird -- I feel a lot less comfortable than I did, but also more confident and hopeful about the future. I doubt I'd even have been motivated to enter this competition had we still been together. I've also been much more organized and hard-working, been going to therapy on a regular basis, landed a cool internship and looking for a new place to live. Brilliant! Congrats Shadow I am sure there will much more success to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 How and when? As far as I know, he only brought those issues up after the break up, not giving Shadow a chance to even attempt to fix anything. Yep, that's correct. Star is just doing her usual thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 But would you have wanted to "fix" anything? The slurs he made on your personality were about things that make you who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 But would you have wanted to "fix" anything? The slurs he made on your personality were about things that make you who you are. Yes. I am trying to be more independent, but some of the other things he mentioned are not things I feel the need to fix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadowplay Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 Brilliant! Congrats Shadow I am sure there will much more success to come. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Yes. I am trying to be more independent, but some of the other things he mentioned are not things I feel the need to fix. I'm glad. The independence thing will come. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Received an award from the department for my short film today. That felt good. I will say that my life has changed a lot since this breakup and mostly for the better...even if I feel lonelier inside. It's weird -- I feel a lot less comfortable than I did, but also more confident and hopeful about the future. I doubt I'd even have been motivated to enter this competition had we still been together. I've also been much more organized and hard-working, been going to therapy on a regular basis, landed a cool internship and looking for a new place to live. Congrats. I guess that a lot of things change after a breakup, sounds like for you it's for good. Its best to focus your energy on improving your life, rather than dwelling on him. Which it seems you are doing and it's paying off! Considering anyone would be reeling from an out of nowhere breakup like this, you're doing good shadow. Link to post Share on other sites
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