SP's coping log

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm still hurt and upset by the thing with my uncle, but I feel better about the family experience overall after some reflection. I got to catch up with some relatives I hadn't seen in awhile, not just at the dinner but the next day. It made me feel more connected. I've decided I'm going to make family more of a priority because I need more connections in my life right now. Will be hanging out with my cousins and extended family again in a few weeks.

 

I'm still not really seeing tangible results, but I continue to push hard. Took a first yoga class tonight, which was cool. Starting to really look for a job. So far things don't appear too promising because not many places are hiring, but I'm going to apply everywhere that is. Continuing to regularly see therapist, psychiatrist and nutritionist. My eating is gradually improving as well.

 

I told my therapist that no matter what I'll keep pushing. Even when things seem dire and it seems like nothing is working, I'll keep pushing harder. That's always been one of my strengths.

 

Yep, this is what I am doing as well. No matter what, keep pushing forward. Life is just an endless cycle of ups and downs. Things can seem completly bleak one moment and turn around the next. That's what got me through when I (briefly) had suicidal thoughts.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

Push hard and enjoy the road also.

 

I think you've been doing great. Because before you weren't even studying and now you are back at art school and doing well and getting awards, plus, you are pretty much over that guy already.

 

Too bad the uncle didn't pay more attention, but perhaps you were especially needy because of the breakup, otherwise it wouldn't have affected you so much.

 

And it's a good bet to get closer to the family. At least they always welcome you, or most of the time.

 

Good luck with the job finding.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hey SP,

 

What is the difference between seeing a therapist and psychatrist?

 

What are their approaches to therapy? I am just wondering why you are seeing both. And also I will need to see someone soon.

[shadowplay]

Hey SP,

 

What is the difference between seeing a therapist and psychatrist?

 

What are their approaches to therapy? I am just wondering why you are seeing both. And also I will need to see someone soon.

 

A psychiatrist is just for medication. I'm trying out some ADHD medication right now to improve my motivation and concentration (so far working well). Also, she's helping me wean off this antidepressant that I've wanted to get off for years. With the psychiatrist it's usually a really short session -- like fifteen minutes. They just ask you if there have been any changes in how the medication is working for you since when they last saw you. Usually, they will see you less often after you've been seeing them for awhile. Like once every few weeks or every month. I just started trying out this medication, so I'm seeing her every week or every other week until we figure out the right dosage.

 

The therapist actually gives you talk therapy, which I've found really helpful as well. I would recommend finding a psychologist since they have a PhD and tend to be the brightest. Also, shop around, because there are always some who suck or don't mesh with you. I saw two other therapists for a session or two before I settled on this one. Don't be disheartened if you don't like the first few people you meet, just keep looking.

 

Also be prepared that even with a good therapist it feels a little uncomfortable at first. The first few times I saw mine, I felt really weird and was worried it wasn't helping. But once you establish a relationship with one and start to trust them it totally changes.

 

I'd also recommend possibly looking into a therapist who has some Dialectical Behavior Therapy training. I know it's associated with Borderline Disorder, but actually my psychiatrist said it's really helpful for everyone and I agree with her. Depending on where you live, you may be able to do a google search and see if there are any therapists in your area who have this background. I plugged in my town and dialectical behavior therapy, and two therapists in the area came up who have this background.

 

Good luck!

[shadowplay]

I'm feeling a bit miserable tonight. I guess just kind of undesirable, and also hopeless about my ability to attract guys in the future.

 

So there are two other guys in my film club. One is a Turkish dude who is married. The other is an Iranian guy who is single and I'm kind of interested in. At first I thought there was some possibility that the Iranian guy might like me but I've changed my mind since I saw both today. And of course the first thing the married Turkish dude says when he seems me at the meeting today is "you look very beautiful." It's always the guy who's unavailable or I"m not interested in who flirts with me. Gah...

 

I don't get it. Guys rarely ask me out, but random people keep commenting on my attractiveness. I personally don't think I'm anything special, but I'm definitely passable, so why do they NEVER approach? I keep pushing myself to go out more, but inside I just want to crawl into a ball and hide from the world.

[shadowplay]

I have to remind myself never to forget my medication. It rarely happens but when it does it's an emergency because they have insane, fast-acting withdrawal effects. Heh, doesn't mean I'm naturally crazy...they apparently have that effect on everyone. I visited my parents' house for a night, and forgot my medication because I was packing in a rush, which meant I didn't take it until this evening when I returned. So I was only late about 9 hours in taking it, but the effect was still huge. I felt more depressed on the bus ride back than I have in a long. Felt so alone. When I got back to my place I started screaming in frustration and crying, partly about Scott (no one was home). Within a half hour, I was feeling better as the Effexor started kicking in. What a nasty drug. But that was such a scary place to be in. I don't want to ever return there.

 

I just hope the effort I've been putting in starts bearing fruit. The one positive thing so far has been finding a new place to live and improved eating habits. But otherwise, it feels like I'm doing all this work and not getting anywhere. That's the way it goes I guess. Just keep pushing. Never stop.

[shadowplay]

All that's left of you is a dull ache.

 

I rarely think about you or what you did to me in specifics anymore. Instead I feel a vague, free-floating sadness. It's not the debilitating pain I initially experienced. It's fainter and fuzzier now, like a memory of something sad from the distant past that you can't quite recall the details of or don't care to. I rarely spend long chunks of time thinking about you anymore. More often my mind will wander and find you there, and think, "there it is again, that sadness." I'll linger there for a moment, let myself feel it, and hope that it goes away one day. Then I'll wander off. Sometimes it just sits in the background of my thoughts like an old friend, making everything a bit darker.

 

But I console myself with the thought that I can manage this pain and survive through it. I've already survived through the worst of it, and what's ahead is a walk in the park by comparison.

Edited July 5, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

Feeling depressed and spaced out for the past five days or so. Weird how it happens. I'll feel really good and productive for a week or two and then will be suddenly depressed and (somewhat) less productive for the next week. Right now I have no energy. Doesn't seem to matter how much I sleep. I don't remember ever being this up and down. Usually I'm just one or the other. Don't know what's going on. Can't figure out if it's the heat getting to me, the stress of my new job, living in a new place or what. Maybe I'm just adjusting to all the changes in my life.

 

I don't feel good about anything concerning myself at the moment. I guess I feel good about how hard I've tried, but that's about it. Right now I feel undesirable, unattractive and inept. It's hard to imagine myself ever being desirable to another halfway decent guy. Blahhh. I need to get myself out of this short term funk. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this. I was doing so well.

[shadowplay]

Feeling better today.

 

A lot is changing in my life.

 

Progress I've made since breakup 3 months ago:

 

-Moved from miserable place to a new, really nice place with awesome roommates.

 

-Found a waitressing job to pay the bills while I finish up school. I like the place: really nice people, great food, friendly atmosphere.

 

-started seeing a therapist, nutritionist and psychiatrist regularly

 

-made a female friend (I think)! And seriously this is a big step forward for me since I haven't had one in ages. I don't want to say it's "official" though because I know how these things go..that's just setting myself up for disappointment. I've also met some other cool people through her.

 

-gotten the majority of my outstanding course work done.

 

-gotten involved in a film club in which we're working on a collaborative short film

 

There's still a lllllooot I want to accomplish, but I'm pretty happy with my success so far. It's funny how failure (in this case relationship failure) can motivate you to push harder.

Edited July 10, 2010 by shadowplay

[CLC2008]

Feeling better today.

 

A lot is changing in my life.

 

Progress I've made since breakup 3 months ago:

 

-Moved from miserable place to a new, really nice place with awesome roommates.

 

-Found a waitressing job to pay the bills while I finish up school. I like the place: really nice people, great food, friendly atmosphere.

 

-started seeing a therapist, nutritionist and psychiatrist regularly

 

-made a female friend (I think)! And seriously this is a big step forward for me since I haven't had one in ages. I don't want to say it's "official" though because I know how these things go..that's just setting myself up for disappointment. I've also met some other cool people through her.

 

-gotten the majority of my outstanding course work done.

 

-gotten involved in a film club in which we're working on a collaborative short film

 

There's still a lllllooot I want to accomplish, but I'm pretty happy with my success so far. It's funny how failure (in this case relationship failure) can motivate you to push harder.

 

Good stuff Shadow. Keep up the good work!!

[shadowplay]

sometimes I hate my life. I'm so stressed out and sometimes it feels like I can't do anything right. Even doing a waitressing job is really, really hard for me. I keep making careless errors, despite giving my all every minute of the day. I suck.

[Kamille]

SP, it sounds like you're having a hard day. You do not suck.

 

Waitressing is a f-ing tough job, you just started and you're allowed to make mistakes. We all learn though trial and error.

 

I don't know what happened at your work, but stop beating yourself up over it. You'll do much better tomorrow!

 

ps: seeing this last post kind of explains something about your other thread. I felt like you were searching for a problem in that one. Are you possibly just having a bad day and are trying to find reasons to justify being in a bad mood? Are you letting one negative incident influence all your thoughts about yourself?

[shadowplay]

SP, it sounds like you're having a hard day. You do not suck.

 

Waitressing is a f-ing tough job, you just started and you're allowed to make mistakes. We all learn though trial and error.

 

I don't know what happened at your work, but stop beating yourself up over it. You'll do much better tomorrow!

 

ps: seeing this last post kind of explains something about your other thread. I felt like you were searching for a problem in that one. Are you possibly just having a bad day and are trying to find reasons to justify being in a bad mood? Are you letting one negative incident influence all your thoughts about yourself?

 

No incident in particular. I just try really, really hard at the job and I sometimes make careless errors....I think more than other people at my job do. By nature I've always been a bit absent-minded and spaced out, with very little practical intelligence. As a kid, for example, I was terrible at sports because there was so much coming at me at once, and I couldn't stay focused or coordinated. So this job is very demanding for me. I only started two weeks ago, but I already feel really pressured, and I keep beating myself up for not being able to do it better.

 

The owner said to me today that I needed to make fewer mistakes on the cash register, which kind of scared me. Also, while most of the people there are really nice, there's one young guy who is pretty rude to me. I get the vibe he thinks I'm an idiot.

 

For what it's worth, another girl my ex spoke to awhile back who used to work here said she was frustrated because it was such a hard job and really demanding. She said they really work you. So maybe it's not just me. I just want having a job to be a positive experience, and something I can gain from, rather than something that wears on my self esteem.

 

It's stuff like the cash register that make me feel like an idiot. I mean it's such a simple thing, but I get kind of flustered when there's a long line and a million things to do, and sometimes press the wrong button...after which point I've made a "mistake" on a receipt that I have to initial and explain. The owner goes over all the mistakes. Sigh.

 

This isn't to say I don't like my job overall. I like the exercise I get, and the constant interaction with other people in a cheerful, bustling environment.

Edited July 17, 2010 by shadowplay

[mikezombie777]

As long as you're doing your best my friend, that's all that matters. If you give life your all you will have very few regrets.

 

I wish you the best. Keep on truckin!

[Els]

No incident in particular. I just try really, really hard at the job and I sometimes make careless errors....I think more than other people at my job do. By nature I've always been a bit absent-minded and spaced out, with very little practical intelligence. As a kid, for example, I was terrible at sports because there was so much coming at me at once, and I couldn't stay focused or coordinated. So this job is very demanding for me. I only started two weeks ago, but I already feel really pressured, and I keep beating myself up for not being able to do it better.

 

The owner said to me today that I needed to make fewer mistakes on the cash register, which kind of scared me. Also, while most of the people there are really nice, there's one young guy who is pretty rude to me. I get the vibe he thinks I'm an idiot.

 

For what it's worth, another girl my ex spoke to awhile back who used to work here said she was frustrated because it was such a hard job and really demanding. She said they really work you. So maybe it's not just me. I just want having a job to be a positive experience, and something I can gain from, rather than something that wears on my self esteem.

 

It's stuff like the cash register that make me feel like an idiot. I mean it's such a simple thing, but I get kind of flustered when there's a long line and a million things to do, and sometimes press the wrong button...after which point I've made a "mistake" on a receipt that I have to initial and explain. The owner goes over all the mistakes. Sigh.

 

This isn't to say I don't like my job overall. I like the exercise I get, and the constant interaction with other people in a cheerful, bustling environment.

 

We are all better at some things, and worse at others. Frankly, I think you would do much better in a creative, mentally-involved, behind-the-scenes job, perhaps like scriptwriting, designing, etc. Sadly, most jobs that are easy to get part-time to pay the bills while in college, ARE the practical-type, physically-intensive jobs such as waitressing. Good on you for actually putting yourself out there and doing something that you aren't naturally gifted at.

 

I'm much like you - I recognize that while I can complete abstract mental tasks much faster than the average person, my practical expertise is VERY lacking. I'm absent-minded, can't remember faces very well, ALWAYS spill stuff, always drop stuff. I can solve a maths problem twice as fast as the average person in my class, browse through a newspaper page in 20 seconds and pick out the important points... but I do chores and practical tasks quite a bit slower than the average person does, and I KNOW it. That's perhaps the reason I'm subconsciously procrastinating at finding my own temp job. That doesn't mean I suck though, and neither do you.

 

Edit: Oh, and the only 'sports' I played back in school were chess and Scrabble. No idea why they classified those as sports.

Edited July 17, 2010 by Elswyth

[Kamille]

Yeah I hated the register! I used to make mistakes but where I worked I would end up having to stay later to figure out why the till didn't match. Let's just say I learned to prioritize the register pretty fast.

 

Waitressing is a lot to get all at the same time. It sounds like the owner is telling you that right now you need to to prioritize getting the register right. So, when flustered, make that the priority. Since you like the interaction and the atmosphere, that means you're likely doing well with the clients. Get the register right and you'll likely be coasting. In a way, the owner is merely giving you guidance.

 

Not getting the cash registers straight away isn't a reflection on your inner self. It doesn't change the fact that you're a valuable human being. Try to take it with a grain of humor: so okay, you need to spruce up your register skills. Big deal! You'll pull it off. It doesn't mean you suck.

 

It also sounds like you make the most mistakes when you get flustered. That's pretty normal. When flustered, go counter-intuitive and slow down just a bit. Take a deep breath and allow yourself five extra seconds at the register. Make the register the place where you center and refocus yourself.

 

As to the coworkers: honey, it's a work place and, from the sound of it, a busy one. It's nice to get along with coworkers, but by no means necessary. Again, this isn't a reflection on you. The guy doesn't know you.

 

Keep things simple: for now, focus on getting the register right and find tricks to calm yourself down and stay focused when things get busy.

[spriggig]

You've been on the job for two weeks, no one expects perfection from you but you are expected to improve over time.

 

You could try asking the guy who is being rude for help, if he is able to do so. You might bring out a White Knight in him which would kill two birds with one stone. Otherwise just ask for help from the nicest person there and try to make friends with some of them during less busy times.

[shadowplay]

update! I'd say I'm 70-80% over him at this point, and that's a conservative estimate. Whenever I think of him the only thought that pops up is "lame."

 

Yep, that pretty much sums him up. I'm sure I'm the only girl in his whole life who will waste tears over him. I remember even he would laugh when I would tell him that he was sexy or whatever.

 

My life has improved. It's still not perfect, but at least I have a job, I've moved to an amazing new place, and I'm starting to make a little group of friends.

Edited September 5, 2010 by shadowplay

[pandagirl]

update! I'd say I'm 70-80% over him at this point, and that's a conservative estimate. Whenever I think of him the only thought that pops up is "lame."

 

Yep, that pretty much sums him up. I'm sure I'm the only girl in his whole life who will waste tears over him. I remember even he would laugh when I would tell him that he was sexy or whatever.

 

My life has improved. It's still not perfect, but at least I have a job, I've moved to an amazing new place, and I'm starting to make a little group of friends.

 

Yay! You are working on making yourself happy, which is the #1 thing you must do to move on. You've done great.

[CLC2008]

update! I'd say I'm 70-80% over him at this point, and that's a conservative estimate. Whenever I think of him the only thought that pops up is "lame."

 

Yep, that pretty much sums him up. I'm sure I'm the only girl in his whole life who will waste tears over him. I remember even he would laugh when I would tell him that he was sexy or whatever.

 

My life has improved. It's still not perfect, but at least I have a job, I've moved to an amazing new place, and I'm starting to make a little group of friends.

 

Shadow, so happy to hear this.

 

These are all good things, job, friends, new place to live...

 

Yay. :bunny: