SP's coping log

[shadowplay]

Sigh. I feel like I'm constantly seeing happy couples and hearing about other girls getting engaged. Right now I"m doing work at a coffee shop and at the table behind me a girl is narrated to her friend the adorable way in which her boyfriend proposed over the weekend. I used to barely even notice stuff like this, but lately I hear it everywhere and it really gets to me. Whenever I hear about it, I think of all the plans we had for spending our lives together and how happy it would make me to have the security of a lifetime commitment from someone I love.

[shadowplay]

It's been two months and I'm still in love with him. I can't wait for the feelings to die.

[TouchedByViolet]

I think the same thoughts. A couple of years ago I had a short term R with a guy and was dumped. I wasn't crazy about him either, but was willing to give things a go and was being nice and giving and a good GF. I cooked him meals, gave him plenty of sex, was attentative in every way yet gave him space too. He just pulled the plug out of the blue. I wasn't in love with him so I wasn't overly heartbroken and I know that he was never in love with me.

 

Fast forward to now. He is engaged to a girl and they are expecting their first baby. I saw him on FB. They seem really happy. The thing is this girl is less pretty than me, heavier than me and less educated. Yet, she has something that made this guy love her and not me. I am starting to think that noone can really ever fall in love with me. It's like I come close, but no cigar.

 

You are not alone. I had a similar experience with a girl, and struggle to find a girl who wants a relationship. These experiences lower my already low self esteem.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Yeah, it's like guys fall in serious and deep love with other girls, but it's never me. I am never "the one" to anyone. And yes, they start out really interested and very attracted to me too. I think only one guy has ever really been in love with me and he is slightly mentally disabled so I guess he missed "the thing" that turns everybody else off plus he can't get anyone else.

 

I am now listening to depressing love songs like "Both sides now"

 

I also kind of like this song although lyrics are not particularly relevant to me at the moment. I hope they will be one day

 

http://showhype.com/video/youtube-paramore-the-only-exception/

Edited June 6, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA

[SadandConfusedWA]

And BTW, this is really hard to take. My office mate at work is/was a single girl that is couple of years older than me. Her bf dumped her after 6 months of dating because he "wasn't ready for commitment". They had no contact for 2 YEARS. I think she tried to contact him few times but he never responded. She has spent all the time I have known her pining after him. Wouldn't even consider dating anyone else.

 

Anyhow, 2 months ago he got in touch with her, told her that he never got over her, loved her for the last 2 years and wants to get back together. That he is "ready now". I was sceptical (sp?) at first but they are crazy in love now and are moving in together

 

For some reason that is even harder to take. Like I am fine when I think that people are settling, but getting your "unrequited love" well, that hurts me on a very deep level. Because I never ended up getting any of the guys I have truly longed for and will have to either settle or stay single.

[Citizen Erased]

Sigh. I feel like I'm constantly seeing happy couples and hearing about other girls getting engaged. Right now I"m doing work at a coffee shop and at the table behind me a girl is narrated to her friend the adorable way in which her boyfriend proposed over the weekend. I used to barely even notice stuff like this, but lately I hear it everywhere and it really gets to me. Whenever I hear about it, I think of all the plans we had for spending our lives together and how happy it would make me to have the security of a lifetime commitment from someone I love.

 

Believe me, you're not the only one that bothers and I have a boyfriend. When there's something you want but can't have, you REALLY notice when others have it.

[shadowplay]

And BTW, this is really hard to take. My office mate at work is/was a single girl that is couple of years older than me. Her bf dumped her after 6 months of dating because he "wasn't ready for commitment". They had no contact for 2 YEARS. I think she tried to contact him few times but he never responded. She has spent all the time I have known her pining after him. Wouldn't even consider dating anyone else.

 

Anyhow, 2 months ago he got in touch with her, told her that he never got over her, loved her for the last 2 years and wants to get back together. That he is "ready now". I was sceptical (sp?) at first but they are crazy in love now and are moving in together

 

For some reason that is even harder to take. Like I am fine when I think that people are settling, but getting your "unrequited love" well, that hurts me on a very deep level. Because I never ended up getting any of the guys I have truly longed for and will have to either settle or stay single.

 

Ha, that would get to me too! It seems like the kind of thing that only happens to other people, but not us, no? Sometimes it feels like there are some unspoken rules in my life that can never be broken. I keep feeling like I get close, but then it gets pulled away from me. Like with Harvard Guy who I had been obsessed with for years suddenly contacting me and moving where I live by some twist of fate, and then it all went wrong. In retrospect, Harvard Guy was kind of lame and I'm pretty much over him...but still if that rule had been broken it would have made me feel like there was some hope for the future. Or like with my ex where it seemed too good to be true and of course was. Sometimes it feels as though life is playing some cruel trick on me.

 

I liked that video; it was cute and sad. Ha, I've been listening to Both Sides Now a lot too lately. I probably shouldn't be.

[threebyfate]

As a shift in perception, rather than saying "I want what they have and resent them for having it" why not turn it into "this is what I want and here's how I'm going to get it"? No matter how much anyone has, there will always be someone with more.

[shadowplay]

As a shift in perception, rather than saying "I want what they have and resent them for having it" why not turn it into "this is what I want and here's how I'm going to get it"? No matter how much anyone has, there will always be someone with more.

 

It seems like a good approach, but how do you apply that to love when it's something you don't have much control over? You can control yourself, but you can't control other people and whether they want to be with you.

[shadowplay]

On a more hopeful note, I remember a year ago thinking I would never date again after my ex-ex (I think I wrote about it on here), much less someone I actually loved. I felt so undesirable at the time that I couldn't imagine another guy wanting to be with me, and I thought it would be years down the road and he would be somebody I wasn't interested in. Yet another guy did want to be with me soon after, and I did love him. Even if it didn't work out, I was wrong about that. So maybe there is a glimmer of hope. I'll just try to hold on to that glimmer.

[threebyfate]

It seems like a good approach, but how do you apply that to love when it's something you don't have much control over? You can control yourself, but you can't control other people and whether they want to be with you.

You have control of yourself and your actions, which includes who you are v. who you want to be and where you want to go. You have control over your choice of mate which includes examination of compatible traits that source deeper than likes, dislikes and other externals.

[shadowplay]

Believe me, you're not the only one that bothers and I have a boyfriend. When there's something you want but can't have, you REALLY notice when others have it.

 

Yeah, I know. And honestly I don't resent other people who have found happiness. I do feel happy for them, but at the same time it reminds me of what I thought I had with my ex...so it sometimes causes a twinge of pain.

[shadowplay]

You have control of yourself and your actions, which includes who you are v. who you want to be and where you want to go. You have control over your choice of mate which includes examination of compatible traits that source deeper than likes, dislikes and other externals.

 

Ha, I knew you'd say this. And I essentially agree, it's just hard to psych myself up to it sometimes.

[threebyfate]

Ha, I knew you'd say this. And I essentially agree, it's just hard to psych myself up to it sometimes.

At least my message is consistent.

 

I understand. We all have those downer moments. You're addressing a number of facets in your life that aren't going the way you want. This can be a tough grind so it's best to address one aspect at a time so they become bite size pieces.

 

You do have a lot going for you so believe it.

[Ariadne]

http://showhype.com/video/youtube-paramore-the-only-exception/

 

 

Yeah, just like that!

 

(Btw, you even look like that girl).

[shadowplay]

At least my message is consistent.

 

I understand. We all have those downer moments. You're addressing a number of facets in your life that aren't going the way you want. This can be a tough grind so it's best to address one aspect at a time so they become bite size pieces.

 

You do have a lot going for you so believe it.

 

Thanks.

[SadandConfusedWA]

At first I dismissed TBF's advice because she thinks so differently to me (and from you shadow too). But now I kind of think that's exactly why we should listen.

[sunshinegirl]

It seems like a good approach, but how do you apply that to love when it's something you don't have much control over? You can control yourself, but you can't control other people and whether they want to be with you.

 

One thing that really helped me was reading Martha Beck's Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life, No Matter What. I'm not a huge fan of visualization & affirmations, so I was really surprised at how much doing some of the activities in the book started to shift my thinking away from "how come other people have what I want" to "here is my vision of my life, and here is how I am going to walk toward it and trust the universe."

 

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that this was a pivotal internal shift for me. About six weeks after I finished the book, D and I went to our first concert together, and my mind and heart were finally open enough to really "see" him.

 

The book isn't a magic potion, of course, but I was stuck in a lot of dead-end, pessimistic thought patterns and I needed to shake those before I was ever going to be ready for a good, healthy, right relationship. The book really helped me with that.

[shadowplay]

One thing that really helped me was reading Martha Beck's Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life, No Matter What. I'm not a huge fan of visualization & affirmations, so I was really surprised at how much doing some of the activities in the book started to shift my thinking away from "how come other people have what I want" to "here is my vision of my life, and here is how I am going to walk toward it and trust the universe."

 

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that this was a pivotal internal shift for me. About six weeks after I finished the book, D and I went to our first concert together, and my mind and heart were finally open enough to really "see" him.

 

The book isn't a magic potion, of course, but I was stuck in a lot of dead-end, pessimistic thought patterns and I needed to shake those before I was ever going to be ready for a good, healthy, right relationship. The book really helped me with that.

 

thanks for the rec, SG! I've added it to my amazon queue.

[shadowplay]

I feel that I am making steps forward. That sadness I was feeling a few days ago has passed. It will probably return again at some point, but right now I'm feeling more over him. My acceptance of the situation is definitely growing.

 

Seeing a therapist regularly as well as a psychiatrist and nutritionist has made me feel a lot more together and hopeful about the future. Just the fact that I was able to make those steps gives me hope that I can be strong and things will improve.

[hardtocope]

I don't understand it myself. I have a strong sense of myself in many ways, on a kind of intuitive level, but I'm underdeveloped in others. I don't have the life evidence to back up my sense of self or confidence. For many years I've avoided really developing myself (academically, creatively, socially and just in general as an adult), so this lowers my self esteem.

 

 

Me too. I think that's one of the reasons my ex left me - she had been in a stagnant personal period near the late middle/end of our relationship, and then she just decided to be positive, and starting doing and hanging out with positive people who are into self-improvement and challenges, and I didn't - I have been stagnant as a person, not challenging myself socially, with work projects, or as a person, not growing, not doing new things and she suddenly was. And six months into that, she realized, I think, that she couldn't be with a person who wasn't growing and getting better (as she was), and she found a guy who was, and who was more successful because of it, and that was it, I think. A couple more months to get the old monkey off her back, and not feel bad about it, and there you go.

 

So of course, when the breakup happens, you are even worse off because you low self-esteem and feel worthless because your insecurities are kind of true, and you maybe have not been a responsible person with yourself and your life, and you are left extra-vulnerable, and possibly in even extra pain at the time of the breakup.

 

Go do a couple of things that challenge you, and don't give up until you accomplish them, and I bet that will make you feel much better, and give you more confidence. Confident people attract others, and feel better about themselves because they know they are strong and will get past/over things. I am working hard at self-improvement right now, and I feel that is the best option. Do things that make yourself feel worthwhile, and turn yourself into a person that others will want to get to know. You'll be knocking boyfriends away with a stick.

[shadowplay]

Tonight was hard. My extended family had dinner at a fancy restaurant for my mother's birthday. A favorite uncle was there whom I hadn't seen in years. He paid absolutely no attention to me, and was totally wrapped up in his pregnant wife who he is due mid July. I would understand except for the fact that we haven't seen each other in ages...and seeing him meant a lot to me.

 

He's the uncle I idolized growing up who sort of became the model for what I look for in men. His ignoring of me felt like a huge rejection, especially on the heels of being dumped. I should mention that he's kind of a Narcissist, and I've always seen that, but it didn't bother me as much when he used to actuall pay attention to me. One thing about Narcissists is they'll make you feel like the center of their world if they value you. He always made me feel protected by somebody older and stronger. He paid attention to me where my father didn't. The problem with Narcissists is they can often only focus on one person at a time. Whenever my uncle is in a relationship, it's like nobody else in the world exists to him except his SO.

 

Anyway, I made an effort to reach out to others at the table, but nobody reached out to me.

 

My mind started drifting to my ex, and I felt this aching pain when I realized that everyone else at the table has someone who is totally devoted to them. I thought about how my ex had seemed like exactly the kind of guy who would be a totally devoted husband/father given how he interacted with his family and how he treated me for most of the relationship....and how maybe it was my own shortcomings that made him incapable of giving that to me. I thought about how much I long for somebody to make me feel loved and protected, and how he had given me that feeling and then pulled it away. Is it unhealthy for me to want that feeling of security and devotion?

 

As the night wore on, my sadness grew and I was on the verge of texting him at one point but resisted. Whenever I resist, it feels like the right choice, but it also seems like choosing a life of permanent loneliness over scraps. I just wish I had a bit of hope that I will ever find a healthy mate who can be devoted to me and never leave.

[D-Lish]

He paid attention to me where my father didn't. The problem with Narcissists is they can often only focus on one person at a time.

 

And that person is "them".... Not anyone else, not really. A Narcissist only pays attention to themselves in the grand scheme of things. Even his unborn child is merely an extension of himself.

 

Don't take it personally Shadow- you don't need validation from others.

[LoveTruthChaos]

Don't take it personally Shadow- you don't need validation from others.

 

 

Agreed.

I hope this doesn't make me sound too concieted, but I really like this quote that I came up with when I was feeling a bit flat one day. It's kind of almost got a bit to do with you and your uncle. I didn't have a father growing up, and my Uncle was my father figure. I loved and idolised him, but when his wife was around, he paid me no mind (and she hated me). Anyway, my family fell apart a few years ago, and this is my quote:

 

'I used to think that there was no place higher than my Uncle's shoulders. But I can no longer rely on others to reach new heights'

 

Best of luck )

[shadowplay]

I'm still hurt and upset by the thing with my uncle, but I feel better about the family experience overall after some reflection. I got to catch up with some relatives I hadn't seen in awhile, not just at the dinner but the next day. It made me feel more connected. I've decided I'm going to make family more of a priority because I need more connections in my life right now. Will be hanging out with my cousins and extended family again in a few weeks.

 

I'm still not really seeing tangible results, but I continue to push hard. Took a first yoga class tonight, which was cool. Starting to really look for a job. So far things don't appear too promising because not many places are hiring, but I'm going to apply everywhere that is. Continuing to regularly see therapist, psychiatrist and nutritionist. My eating is gradually improving as well.

 

I told my therapist that no matter what I'll keep pushing. Even when things seem dire and it seems like nothing is working, I'll keep pushing harder. That's always been one of my strengths.