SP's coping log

[shadowplay]

ah poor sweetie. You're really hung up on him aren't you?

 

 

Cry it out, it's okay. It does hurt.

 

I mean, don't get me wrong, I think he's a waste of your precious time and would love to see you decide you deserve much better than the kind of treatment he is giving you. But you're not ready yet, are you?

 

I can't figure out why I'm so hung up on him. I've had tough breakups before, but I never felt this level of pain. Usually there was a lot more resentment mixed in. I think it's because I trusted him so much, we had a good relationship up until the end, and he seemed to love me so much. He made me feel like he totally accepted me. I have abandonment issues to begin with, so that turn around from total trust to suddenly being shut out, couldn't have been more painful. Also the fact that he's my only friend here.

[sunshinegirl]

I didn't initiate him coming over. I felt like that was wrong on his part, especially because he gave me no advance warning, and because I'd already made it clear to him I no longer wanted to see him.

 

I agree that once he came over, I should have just ignored him but it was a lot harder than I expected.

 

I understand about having weak moments, but this is to the point of serious self-sabotage.

 

It is true that you had no control over him showing up at your place. However, you DID have control over hugging him, letting him inside, letting him into your bedroom, and everything else that followed. You mustered great strength in class to ignore him when he approached you - you need to draw upon that same reservoir of strength for moments like this.

 

It really helped me to imagine myself a crack addict and to remind myself that ANY high that contact provided in the short-term, would inevitably be followed by a devastating low. Eventually I started caring enough about my own well-being that I went NC for real, and forever.

 

The other thing that helped me was the idea of taking some control back by standing up for myself and refusing to be treated badly.

 

He is victimizing you because you are letting him. You see yourself as being at the mercy of your feelings, yes? (I have certainly seen myself this way at times.) In actual fact, you are more than your feelings and you are NOT at their mercy. You CAN make different choices that are self-protective, self-loving, and will allow for self-healing.

 

You can doooo eeeeeeeet!

[shadowplay]

I understand about having weak moments, but this is to the point of serious self-sabotage.

 

It is true that you had no control over him showing up at your place. However, you DID have control over hugging him, letting him inside, letting him into your bedroom, and everything else that followed. You mustered great strength in class to ignore him when he approached you - you need to draw upon that same reservoir of strength for moments like this.

 

It really helped me to imagine myself a crack addict and to remind myself that ANY high that contact provided in the short-term, would inevitably be followed by a devastating low. Eventually I started caring enough about my own well-being that I went NC for real, and forever.

 

The other thing that helped me was the idea of taking some control back by standing up for myself and refusing to be treated badly.

 

He is victimizing you because you are letting him. You see yourself as being at the mercy of your feelings, yes? (I have certainly seen myself this way at times.) In actual fact, you are more than your feelings and you are NOT at their mercy. You CAN make different choices that are self-protective, self-loving, and will allow for self-healing.

 

You can doooo eeeeeeeet!

 

Great advice, SS, and I agree with everything you said, especially about me feeling at the mercy of my feelings. That's something I'm really struggling with, and I'm hoping the DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) will help with that.

[sunshinegirl]

I can't figure out why I'm so hung up on him. I've had tough breakups before, but I never felt this level of pain. Usually there was a lot more resentment mixed in. I think it's because I trusted him so much, we had a good relationship up until the end, and he seemed to love me so much. He made me feel like he totally accepted me. I have abandonment issues to begin with, so that turn around from total trust to suddenly being shut out, couldn't have been more painful. Also the fact that he's my only friend here.

 

Nope, stop with the magical thinking. You didn't have a wholly good relationship (I would argue you didn't have a good relationship period) - so don't get all "oh me oh my it was perfect until the very end". You've shared plenty of stories and moments that suggest how completely NOT good your relationship was, so focus on that.

 

And if that doesn't work, focus on what a complete glassbowl he was at the end: these are his TRUE colors, and shows how completely unable he is to stand up for himself, know his own mind, and be in relationship with real people and their weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

[shadowplay]

Nope, stop with the magical thinking. You didn't have a wholly good relationship (I would argue you didn't have a good relationship period) - so don't get all "oh me oh my it was perfect until the very end". You've shared plenty of stories and moments that suggest how completely NOT good your relationship was, so focus on that.

 

And if that doesn't work, focus on what a complete glassbowl he was at the end: these are his TRUE colors, and shows how completely unable he is to stand up for himself, know his own mind, and be in relationship with real people and their weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

 

Yeah, I was unsure of that even when I wrote it.

 

What would you say wasn't good about our relationship from what I related here? Maybe an objective opinion will help me see where my reality is distorted.

[shadowplay]

I'm feeling a little bit better now. I can do this.

[Kamille]

Of course you can do this. You're already doing it. You've had a major setback but never let setbacks get you down. Pick yourself up, clean yourself off and keep working at it.

 

Think about it this way: you had two winning moments yesterday: pulling off ignoring him in class and, when you got home, noticing you were feeling better.

 

It's easy for you to be hard on yourself right now, but spend time noticing your strengths.

[shadowplay]

thanks, Kamille^

 

I wanted to respond to your post about being attracted to selfish men earlier. That's definitely been true for me in the past. Harvard Guy was a total narcissist, and he was my "dream guy" for awhile. The odd thing is all of the guys I've been attracted to, including him and my ex, seemed like the opposite at first - nice and considerate - but turned out to be anything but. And it was those "nice" qualities that partly drew me in on a conscious level. I don't get that. What is it exactly that I'm drawn to?

[Star Gazer]

I understand about having weak moments, but this is to the point of serious self-sabotage.

 

It is true that you had no control over him showing up at your place. However, you DID have control over hugging him, letting him inside, letting him into your bedroom, and everything else that followed. You mustered great strength in class to ignore him when he approached you - you need to draw upon that same reservoir of strength for moments like this.

 

It really helped me to imagine myself a crack addict and to remind myself that ANY high that contact provided in the short-term, would inevitably be followed by a devastating low. Eventually I started caring enough about my own well-being that I went NC for real, and forever.

 

The other thing that helped me was the idea of taking some control back by standing up for myself and refusing to be treated badly.

 

He is victimizing you because you are letting him. You see yourself as being at the mercy of your feelings, yes? (I have certainly seen myself this way at times.) In actual fact, you are more than your feelings and you are NOT at their mercy. You CAN make different choices that are self-protective, self-loving, and will allow for self-healing.

 

GREAT advice, SS. I hope it really sinks in.

[shadowplay]

Seeing him in class today was incredibly hard, but I managed to keep my distance and he kept his.

 

OT, but there's this hot gay girl in one of my class who seems to be hitting on me, and she told me to give her a call since I'll be around over the summer. I think I might. I wouldn't mind fooling around with her, because I find her attractive and still have never had any girl-girl experiences (which I've wanted to since I was thirteen). If that doesn't happen, she might make a good friend.

[Kamille]

See? People are interested in getting to know you .

[shadowplay]

Oh and another thing that hurt like hell is last night my ex told me that he had seen a therapist and the therapist agreed that nothing he did during the breakup was wrong or unreasonable. Hearing that just really hurt.

[Kamille]

Oh and another thing that hurt like hell is last night my ex told me that he had seen a therapist and the therapist agreed that nothing he did during the breakup was wrong or unreasonable. Hearing that just really hurt.

 

Sounds suspicious. I've seen two therapists and they both avoided giving value-judgements on my actions like the plague... either he's lying or he saw a very unprofessional therapist.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Kamille

[Kamille]

I don't understand why this ex and your ex ex are both so intent on saying stuff that is obviously meant to hurt you... Is there a dynamic of competition in your relationships? Did they perhaps feel like they were beneath you and are now trying to knock you off a pedestal?

 

maybe it's something about how you perhaps trying to avoid seeming vulnerable or less than perfect?

[shadowplay]

Sounds suspicious. I've seen two therapists and they both avoided giving value-judgements on my actions like the plague... either he's lying or he saw a very unprofessional therapist.

 

Yeah, I found it weird too. The therapists I've seen have been more neutral than that.

 

He said the person he saw was a young gay man. I don't know if that changes anything, but somehow it made it more plausible to me.

[shadowplay]

I don't understand why this ex and your ex ex are both so intent on saying stuff that is obviously meant to hurt you... Is there a dynamic of competition in your relationships? Did they perhaps feel like they were beneath you and are now trying to knock you off a pedestal?

 

maybe it's something about how you perhaps trying to avoid seeming vulnerable or less than perfect?

 

I don't know. I was always very upfront about my vulnerabilities, and then they both turned around and used those against me.

 

I see it more as a denial of them mistreating me. They both brought up nasty things at moments when I was telling them how hurt I felt. Instead of facing that they had hurt me, maybe it was easier to push me away by being nasty.

[Kamille]

I highly doubt a therapist said: "goodness Ex, you are a fortress of sanity and sound reasoning. I am completely useless to you".

 

No matter what the therapist thought, the fact remains, your ex actually felt the need to legitimate his "actions" for hurting you right to your face. How messed up is that? Do you think you contributed in any way to his desire to prove the sanity of his actions to you?

 

we cross-posted re: your relationship dynamics, but I'm still wondering if you can think of any ways in which you contributed to his needs to prove his sanity to you.

[Kamille]

I'm still thinking about what he said. Ridiculous comment.

 

I wonder if he felt overpowered by you. I wonder if you're like one of my exes (of ages ago, I was just out of high school). He was an incredibly creative and intuitive person who could almost convince me of anything. When we broke up (I broke up with him), I felt the need to claim "my reality" back. This meant that I felt I had to prove to the ex that he was wrong about his understanding of "us" and that I was the "sane" one. (Note, he moved on really fast and I then spent a year trying to convince him to take me back - to no avail)

 

Turns out, we're both healthy human beings who just weren't meant for each other.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Maybe he felt guilty about how he treated shadow and he is trying to trick himself into thinking that it really wasn't his fault. Clearly, he doesn't care how his words affect shadow as long as they can reduce *his* feelings of guilt.

 

But I agree that this guy sounds eearily similar to her ex ex.

 

Another possibility is that he wants to break down shadow's confidence so that she will be more likely to give him sex or be his back up option.

[shadowplay]

I'm still thinking about what he said. Ridiculous comment.

 

I wonder if he felt overpowered by you. I wonder if you're like one of my exes (of ages ago, I was just out of high school). He was an incredibly creative and intuitive person who could almost convince me of anything.

 

Actually this rings true. He told me several times that I understood him better than he understands himself, that I should be a psychologist because I understand people so well. This morphed into him telling me that I tried to "logic" him out of things. I think I have a knack for being analytically persuasive, but I sometimes use it to control a situation when I'm feeling helpless inside. This is unhealthy.

 

Although reason was on my side because he did mistreat me, I probably protested too much which may have cast doubt on my motivations. Does that make sense?

 

He probably felt like I was manipulating him. I wasn't. Manipulation implies some form of deceit in trying to achieve a desired end. In fact I was up front about wanting him to give me another chance, and the reasons I gave him were the truth, but I can see how from another person's perspective it might seem like manipulation when someone tries too hard to convince you of anything, whatever it may be.

 

This is something I need to work on. Just letting go and not trying to control somebody else's response to me, even when I have legitimate gripes.

Edited May 5, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I'm really determined to get over this and go full NC.

 

Right now just focusing on my work, working like crazy for the next week or so.

 

But yet there's this general unease, this sense that there's something I should be doing that I'm avoiding...yet I can't figure out what. The sense that something is very wrong, and everything will fall apart soon. Ever have this feeling?

 

I hope I figure it out.

[shadowplay]

I got an A on my history final paper that I slaved over all weekend! I thought it was crap, so this is a pleasant surprise. This means I'll get an A- in the class, a class which earlier in the semester I was on the verge of failing. One positive thing about this breakup is I have been working much harder.

Edited May 5, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I have decided to redefine NC. 100% NC has been impossible because some amount of LC with him is unavoidable since we constantly see each other and were so intertwined before (so there's been the exchange of stuff one of us had that the other needed).

 

For example, today I had to get a movie file from him. We worked on a project back in February, and the teacher informed us two days ago that she wanted a DVD of it. It was on his computer. I didn't think I would need it until she told us this, so I hadn't bothered to get a copy from him when we first broke up. The file is too big for a flash drive or to upload to the internet.

 

I sent him a text yesterday that I wanted to meet on campus to pick up the file and we arranged to meet at the computer lab today.

 

I came in the lab, sat down. He sat down next to me (unfortunately), and put the file on my computer. I didn't initiate any chit chat, but he tried to talk to me a bit about school related stuff. I gave him curt responses. Once the file was done transferring, I left and didn't say goodbye (although he did).

 

I think this should count as NC, since I communicated no more than I absolutely had to. From here on, I'll see him much less. But I'm sure I'll run into him here and there. We live in the same town, and we'll both be working on our thesis projects in the same building over the summer. If he tries to talk to me, I'm not going to totally ignore him. I'll just give him short, civil responses and that's it.

 

So that's my NC plan.

 

If he messages me and it's clear it's not just for business, then I won't respond. I expect that he'll probably send me a "hey" im at some point when he doesn't hear from me, and I'm going to ignore that.

 

Also, if for some unforeseen reason I need to message him to get something I absolutely need from him, that's OK. I really don't see that happening, but you never know.

 

Given these rules/restrictions I've had two days of NC, and I'll be starting my NC staircase tonight. Wish me luck!

[alphamale]

Given these rules/restrictions I've had two days of NC, and I'll be starting my NC staircase tonight. Wish me luck!

best of luck shadowplay

[shadowplay]

best of luck shadowplay

 

Thanks, Alphie.