SP's coping log

[alphamale]

stop this nonsense shadowplay

[Star Gazer]

I also don't see the logic in criticizing me sending the text when it's already done. I just want to move forward, not pick apart every past move/mistake.

 

Most people learn from their "mistakes." You won't, Shadow, because you are unwilling to listen to those who believe you're making "mistakes."

[shadowplay]

We should start a pool on how long before there is contact, good luck sp, my guess tuesday, wednesday at the latest.

 

You mean before I make contact or he does?

 

If you mean the former, thanks for the vote of confidence!

 

Also true NC isn't possible until Wednesday after classes are over. I don't speak to him in class, but I have to see him, unfortunately, which is a form of contact.

Edited May 3, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

You guys remind me of some of the women my mother encountered when she was in Overeaters Anonymous. They took a hard line, and it led to black and white thinking, which could be detrimental to getting over addiction.

 

The policy was that if you had one tiny slip you were basically scolded by the whole community, even if you immediately got back on track. This worked for some people. For others it backfired in that once they slipped, they felt like they might as well throw it all away.

 

My mother knew remembers one woman who had been abstinent for years, ate a peanut, told her sponsor, was shamed by the community...she left and came back after a nine year binge in which she had blossomed to over 400 pounds.

 

I agree with the NC approach, but I don't agree with trying to shame members when they make a slip. It's unhealthy and counterproductive.

[sb129]

:rolleyes:

You keep eating peanuts- and try to make excuses for them. Soon it will be a whole damn bag of peanuts, but you'll still be deluded convinced you only ate ONE peanut, and it wasn't that much of a setback.

 

You want us to agree with everything you do and support you that way rather than telling it like it is.

 

In case you haven't noticed, the sympathy levels for your situation are dropping pretty quickly because you basically ignore just about every post- INCLUDING your own- unless its to justify your own behaviour.

 

You actually NEED tough love.

 

I'm out.

[northstar1]

Shadow. Okay, you sent the text. What's done is done.

Now, can you commit to NC going forward? There is no reason to talk to him again, none what so ever. If he contacts you, there is no reason to respond.

[Art_Critic]

You artistic types never want to believe that 1+1 really equals 2. Your world is built on the idea that sooner or later it will equal blueberries.

 

The post of the year...

 

Every time he contacts you, you respond

 

This is the real problem.. and since it is the case she contacted him even though he didn't contact her just to be safe

[CLC2008]

I'm starting wonder if LC might work better for me than NC right now. We haven't hung out again, but I have seen him in class several times and we've chatted a bit. I'm actually feeling better at the moment, like I'm starting to move on a bit. We'll see.

 

I reaffirmed to him that if we hang out again we can't do anything sexual, and he said "is there anything at all you'd be open to," and I said, "no." He asked me if I could fck him with a strap on some time, and I said "no." WTF.

It felt good setting a boundary. Right now I'm not sure if I want to be friends with him, but I have a feeling once I've moved on completely I won't want to see him at all.

 

This is a prime example of him overstepping your boundaries. Eeesh.

[Kamille]

I totally understand Shadowplay's points about some of the feedback she receives here. I don't see the point in getting frustrated at Shadow's actions. Perhaps some of us wouldn't act the same way, but I know I have always struggled with NC and would always find reasons for LC. I have been in her shoes, have written the odd emails I shouldn't have, have hung on to someone too long and yes, even found that perfect song that encapsulates how I feel about someone who, with hindsight, didn't deserve a shred of my attention. Friends would tell me to let it go, but I had to get there and process the break up on my own, at my own pace.

 

The way I see it, we can tell Shadow what to do and why she should do it, but she's the one who's living this heartbreak. Her choices and actions are up to her, not us.

 

And, to me, all this negotiation is part of her efforts to move on. Negotiation is, after all, a stage in the stages of grief.

[shadowplay]

:rolleyes:

You keep eating peanuts- and try to make excuses for them. Soon it will be a whole damn bag of peanuts, but you'll still be deluded convinced you only ate ONE peanut, and it wasn't that much of a setback.

 

You want us to agree with everything you do and support you that way rather than telling it like it is.

 

In case you haven't noticed, the sympathy levels for your situation are dropping pretty quickly because you basically ignore just about every post- INCLUDING your own- unless its to justify your own behaviour.

 

You actually NEED tough love.

 

I'm out.

 

Fine, I don't care. I don't value the sympathy of judgmental, punitive people.

[shadowplay]

Shadow. Okay, you sent the text. What's done is done.

Now, can you commit to NC going forward? There is no reason to talk to him again, none what so ever. If he contacts you, there is no reason to respond.

 

Yes.

 

 

----------------------------

[CLC2008]

I totally understand Shadowplay's points about some of the feedback she receives here. I don't see the point in getting frustrated at Shadow's actions. Perhaps some of us wouldn't act the same way, but I know I have always struggled with NC and would always find reasons for LC. I have been in her shoes, have written the odd emails I shouldn't have, have hung on to someone too long and yes, even found that perfect song that encapsulates how I feel about someone who, with hindsight, didn't deserve a shred of my attention. Friends would tell me to let it go, but I had to get there and process the break up on my own, at my own pace.

 

The way I see it, we can tell Shadow what to do and why she should do it, but she's the one who's living this heartbreak. Her choices and actions are up to her, not us.

 

And, to me, all this negotiation is part of her efforts to move on. Negotiation is, after all, a stage in the stages of grief.

 

I totally agree Kamille. There is not anyone here who has not been in similar shoes. And it's not up to anyone, to decide what advice Shadow should or should not take. She has to go through this process herself and I think that's what she is trying to do and I commend her for that.

[shadowplay]

I find it interesting that certain users only come out of the woodwork to scold me when I slip up, but don't have any advice to offer at other moments in regards to anything else (struggling with thoughts of loneliness, trying to switch my thinking about him from valuation to anger, etc.). This makes me question whether their intentions are truly altruistic or motivated by some twisted ego trip.

 

An observation about human nature. When people pass judgment on others it's often from the perspective of a perfect version of themselves. They "forget" their own mistakes and weaknesses.

Edited May 3, 2010 by shadowplay

[Kamille]

She has to go through this process herself and I think that's what she is trying to do and I commend her for that.

 

Exactly. I feel that we've seen Shadow make efforts as she struggles through the pains of break-up. She's extremely introspective and I feel that she's trying to find paths out for herself, ones that we may not all agree with. But she is definitely trying, and trying really hard in my opinion.

[shadowplay]

I find it interesting that certain users only come out of the woodwork to scold me when I slip up, but don't have any advice to offer at other moments in regards to anything else (struggling with thoughts of loneliness, trying to switch my thinking about him from valuation to anger, etc.). This makes me question whether their intentions are truly altruistic or motivated by some twisted ego trip.

 

An observation about human nature. When people pass judgment on others it's often from the perspective of a perfect version of themselves. They "forget" their own mistakes and weaknesses.

 

Quote from Somerset Maugham (one of my favorite writers):

 

But when we come to judge others it is not by ourselves as we really are that we judge them, but by an image that we have formed of ourselves from which we have left out everything that offends our vanity or would discredit us in the eyes of the world.

[CLC2008]

An observation about human nature. When people pass judgment on others it's often from the perspective of a perfect version of themselves. They "forget" their own mistakes and weaknesses.

 

This is very true, I am guilty of it myself.

[Star Gazer]

I find it interesting that certain users only come out of the woodwork to scold me when I slip up, but don't have any advice to offer at other moments in regards to anything else....

 

The advice has always been consistent: NC.

 

By accepting contact from him, this is the message he's getting:

 

"Awesome! I can reach out to her when I want, and she totally gives in and talks to me/meets me/has sex with me, totally when it's convenient to me, AND I have the added bonus of not having to respond to her when she hounds me by initiating contact! It's like, 'press a button and get some attention from her,' and it couldn't be easier/better for me! All I have to do is throw a few 'I miss you, Shadow's in there, and she's hooked for good!"

 

So yeah, good job.

 

And K... really, you know how much I respect you and admire you, but I really think you're doing Shadow a disservice here by telling her everything's okay - including her own actions which are in direct contravention to what's good for her.

 

But anyway.

[Kamille]

I'm supporting Shadow the best I know how: by trying to help her find a place of calm within herself, where she actually trusts in herself. By getting her to believe in her own capacity to take care of herself. By putting the responsibility for her choices and actions on her.

 

I feel that by judging her for slipping up, we might be making NC even harder for her. It's hard to explain: basically, NC becomes a socially imposed prohibition, so it makes resisting NC an even tougher challenge. Not only will she be exposing herself to more hurt at the hands of her ex, but she would be exposing herself to judgement here. Instead of finding peace with NC, it's like there's a voice constantly screaming: Don't do it! Don't contact him! Don't do it. It might work for some, but I know that for me, the more illicit something is, the more obsessed I am with it.

 

Or, in other words, NC has to come from her and make sense to her.

 

Don't get me wrong. Shadow, I'll be extremely proud of you if you manage to not contact this guy ever again.

[Star Gazer]

I'm supporting Shadow the best I know how: ... By putting the responsibility for her choices and actions on her.

 

Well, every one is doing that. So are you 'judging' her too?

 

I feel that by judging her for slipping up, we might be making NC even harder for her.

 

I honestly don't understand where you get this from. Can you point to where the judgment is? Or are you just parroting her choice of words?

 

Or, in other words, NC has to come from her and make sense to her.

 

I think we all agree on that. And that's what so damn frustrating. It's like watching a heroin addict who knows the heroin is bad, say, "Just one more time, just one more time." Yes, eventually it's gotta be HER choice not to shoot up. But that doesn't mean that continuing to do the drug is doing her ANY good.

 

She's literally going in circles, same issues, different guy. It's like round-about attached to round-about. She's gotta remove herself from that damn road.

 

Don't get me wrong. Shadow, I'll be extremely proud of you if you manage to not contact this guy ever again.

 

We all will.

 

But I still believe she can't learn from her mistakes unless she understands why they're mistakes. If she's just always looking forward, and never looking backward at what she could have done better, she'll never learn. I mean, isn't that how we all learn? By looking at our mistakes?

 

Then again, I think I've concluded that this "coping log" wasn't really designed to solicit advice so much as simply chronicle her choices. She could do that in a simple Word document, but she does choose to come here... so it shouldn't be surprising that she's going to get some feedback.

[threebyfate]

shadow, you've got a creative and visual mind. Have you considered building an NC staircase? Each day you succeed with NC, is one more plank that you get to nail onto the staircase. Since you draw, you can draw each plank in place per day. Label each plank with the date of success. Make each plank look like what you're feeling that day, whether it's a shaky plank, a rotten plank, a solid, strong plank of wood, a plank of wood where the beautiful grain is polished to shining, a plank made of granite, etc.

 

This way, each time you break or feel like breaking NC, you can look back on your drawing as a source of inspiration. Each time you get back onto the NC staircase, draw another plank of wood and keep drawing each day you succeed. There will be no gaps on this staircase since remissions don't count. This staircase is one built solely on success, however that success is attained, however much pain you feel that day. You can spiral this staircase until you reach the top of your NC stair to success/I'm so ovah' this loser!

[shadowplay]

shadow, you've got a creative and visual mind. Have you considered building an NC staircase? Each day you succeed with NC, is one more plank that you get to nail onto the staircase. Since you draw, you can draw each plank in place per day. Label each plank with the date of success. Make each plank look like what you're feeling that day, whether it's a shaky plank, a rotten plank, a solid, strong plank of wood, a plank of wood where the beautiful grain is polished to shining, a plank made of granite, etc.

 

This way, each time you break or feel like breaking NC, you can look back on your drawing as a source of inspiration. Each time you get back onto the NC staircase, draw another plank of wood and keep drawing each day you succeed. There will be no gaps on this staircase since remissions don't count. This staircase is one built solely on success, however that success is attained, however much pain you feel that day. You can spiral this staircase until you reach the top of your NC stair to success/I'm so ovah' this loser!

 

Ha! That's a really good idea actually, because it will give me a more concrete sense of accomplishment. I'll try it and let you guys know how it goes.

[threebyfate]

Ha! That's a really good idea actually, because it will give me a more concrete sense of accomplishment. I'll try it and let you guys know how it goes.

Good luck.

 

This doesn't mean you shouldn't express yourself on LS since writing is another form of cathartic expression. The people contact helps to stave off some of the loneliness of loss.

[shadowplay]

One positive development I've noticed in the last few days is I've finally accepted the fact that we're never gonna happen.

 

At this point any contact urge is related to withdrawal pangs and the fear of being alone (hence the urge to cling to the one person I know here).

 

I also notice a subtle shift in my attitude about him. I've been thinking of him more as weak/lame; not just telling myself that he is.

[Hot Carl]

One positive development I've noticed in the last few days is I've finally accepted the fact that we're never gonna happen.

 

You'd better call him up and let him know! Otherwise he might call you.

 

Just teasing you. I like doing that.

[sb129]

Fine, I don't care. I don't value the sympathy of judgmental, punitive people.

 

Ok, so insult me, thats totally fine.

 

Quote from Somerset Maugham (one of my favorite writers):

 

But when we come to judge others it is not by ourselves as we really are that we judge them, but by an image that we have formed of ourselves from which we have left out everything that offends our vanity or would discredit us in the eyes of the world.

 

Sigh. I do find you quite self indulgent at times SP.

 

I find it interesting that certain users only come out of the woodwork to scold me when I slip up, but don't have any advice to offer at other moments in regards to anything else (struggling with thoughts of loneliness, trying to switch my thinking about him from valuation to anger, etc.). This makes me question whether their intentions are truly altruistic or motivated by some twisted ego trip.

 

An observation about human nature. When people pass judgment on others it's often from the perspective of a perfect version of themselves. They "forget" their own mistakes and weaknesses.

 

I have advice: and its NO CONTACT.

I have been consistent with this from the start, and not just in this thread.

Its not an ego trip. Why would it be? I have nothing to gain from ego tripping on your threads.

I haven't forgotten my own mistakes or weaknesses, and its those that make me feel qualified to give you a virtual kick in the pants.

 

I HAVE been in your shoes SP, and I did all the stuff you did.

I had a crappy self esteem like you do and I thought I was unique like you do. Interestingly, I could quote angsty writers and poets back then too, because I had far too much time to wallow in my own self pity and despair.

 

Most of this was pre-text/FB days but the motivations are exactly the same.

"Oh I am just going to call and tell him that I am not going to contact him anymore" (secretly hoping that he would think that if I appeared to have moved on he would want me back)

 

I would secretly look forward to the class even though I knew it would end in me being devastated that he had ignored me.

 

I would get drunk and go home via his house, convinced he saw me one more time he would want me to stay. (He did, but only for the night, for sex)

I moved towns and HEMISPHERES in the deluded hope that he would "realise" I was the one for him.

 

And please note: this was more than one person on more than one occasion.

 

I had my heart trampled on over and over and over again.

Over the space of nearly ten years.

 

The difference between me and you is: I had NOBODY telling me what I was doing was stupid, because hardly anyone knew what was really going on inside my head. I had nobody reminding me of my worth, or telling me that these guys were losers, or questioning my actions.

I had nobody telling m to move on and stop contacting these people for my own sake.

 

You DO. Repeatedly.

 

And I wish wish wish I had had someone give me some of the advice you have been given here, it might have saved me a couple of years of grief.

 

As it is, I didn't emerge from the depths till around my 29th birthday. If you could get out of yours before then, then thats 3 years you'll have on me.

Edited May 3, 2010 by sb129