SP's coping log

[nolanola]

Shadow,

I just stumbled onto your log and wanted to give you my two cents. My ex and I went back and forth so many times that some of my friends stopped letting me tell them about it. I took him back so many times after he treated me like total crap. We broke up for good two years ago and it has been SO hard. I see him a lot too and that is the worst part, for sure. Just like your guy, he was still contacting me and flirting with me after we broke up. Even though it was hard, some part of me liked it because I thought it meant he still cared about me. As time has gone on, I've seen that although he probably does care about me, he doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated. The worst part - I let him do it! You are letting him treat you like his back up plan.

I've heard that we teach people how to treat us and I believe this with all my heart.

You deserve so much better.

I am now 6 weeks NC with my ex and determined to move on. You know what helps me? I picture him wondering why I'm not calling or texting him and wondering what I'm doing. It's kind of childish, but it helps. Also, I for damn sure don't want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend that guys tell their friends and new girlfriends about. Just picture him bragging about how you chase after him - that might help too.

I totally understand the back and forth roller coaster ride. I just hope it doesn't damage your self esteem more than it has. Two years after my break-up I'm still trying to get mine back.

[Kamille]

Great post nolanola.

 

I think the tricky thing about hanging on to someone who isn't really worthy of us is that it reinforces negative believes about ourselves (that we are weak, unworthy of love) and not the positive ones (that we deserve better, are strong and can walk away).

 

I have been away and haven't been able to read the whole thread. Has your (ex) bf ever apologized and taken responsibility for the break up SP?

[shadowplay]

Great post nolanola.

 

I think the tricky thing about hanging on to someone who isn't really worthy of us is that it reinforces negative believes about ourselves (that we are weak, unworthy of love) and not the positive ones (that we deserve better, are strong and can walk away).

 

I have been away and haven't been able to read the whole thread. Has your (ex) bf ever apologized and taken responsibility for the break up SP?

 

It's hard to say. He's said he's sorry when I've told him how hurt I am, but he always maintains that he made the right choice. So in essence he hasn't apologized for what he did, just the pain I'm feeling. That said, he did admit a few things he did were ****ty when I brought them up later, but he never volunteered those apologies. They were always kind of in response to something I said.

 

He contradicts himself. He says to me that it's "him" and has nothing to do with me, yet when I ask him if he'd want to be with me if he could fix his problem, he thinks he might rather be with other girls. Something doesn't add up. When I've tried to understand this, he flips out and says he doesn't know and doesn't understand his own brain.

 

It's like he started associating me with the problem (projecting it on to me), even though it's his and not mine.

 

But I think on a deeper level it may be even more superficial than that. He's admitted recently that part of it is wanting more "experience," even though when we were together and I brought his lack of experience up as a possible problem he always said "I have absolutely no desire to be with other girls. I think if people have something wonderful like we do they should just go with it and not obsess over it." He was also constantly going on about how much he loved the fact that I was the only girl he would ever sleep with, and how I was totally his blah blah.

 

Methinks he freaked when it got serious, even though he was at least 50% responsible for pushing it in that direction, fabricated some anxiety thing in his brain to cover up the underlying issue and have an excuse to dump me.

Edited April 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[nolanola]

Shadow,

It seems like he contradicts himself a lot. The only way to know what he really thinks and/or feels is to look at his actions. He can tell you all kinds of things but in the end, if he wants to be with you, he will be.

I'm curious - how old is this guy?

Certainly, a lot of people want to "sow their oats" and that's ok but are you sure it's ok with you? How will you feel when you find out that he is seeing other girls? I can guarantee that he is at least trying at this point, if not succeeding.

I know it killed me when my ex started seeing someone when we were trying to be "friends" - it became pretty apparent to me that I didn't think of him as a friend.

[Ariadne]

fabricated some anxiety thing in his brain to cover up the underlying issue and have an excuse to dump me.

 

Yeah.

 

I mean, who says: I want to break up with you because it'd hurt me way too much to see you break down again.

 

Wow, this should go to some record.

[shadowplay]

Shadow,

It seems like he contradicts himself a lot. The only way to know what he really thinks and/or feels is to look at his actions. He can tell you all kinds of things but in the end, if he wants to be with you, he will be.

I'm curious - how old is this guy?

Certainly, a lot of people want to "sow their oats" and that's ok but are you sure it's ok with you? How will you feel when you find out that he is seeing other girls? I can guarantee that he is at least trying at this point, if not succeeding.

I know it killed me when my ex started seeing someone when we were trying to be "friends" - it became pretty apparent to me that I didn't think of him as a friend.

 

He says he probably won't be dating again for another year or so (sure). But part of me wonders if he's already looking.

 

He's 22, and I was his first serious girlfriend (he had been rejected/strung along by all of the other girls he was involved with).

[Jilly Bean]

Geez, Shadow.

 

Do you really hate yourself THIS much? To continue to allow yourself to be **** on by this guy?

 

I truly wish you could see this as others do. I think if you could, you'd be pretty disgusted with how you are behaving.

 

Yes, breakups are hard, particularly when you are blindsided, like you were. But no one should lower themselves to this degree over and over.

 

Please tell me there is a SHRED of something inside you that loves you enough to NOT allow this in your life? It makes me genuinely sad for you.

[Star Gazer]

He's 22, and I was his first serious girlfriend (he had been rejected/strung along by all of the other girls he was involved with).

 

BTW... what did he mean by "serious"? Because 4 months isn't serious to me. Was he referring to the inclusion of sex and/or saying IYU?

[SadandConfusedWA]

This is like a car driving at 100mph towards a brick wall.

 

But who am I to judge, I have been there, in some repsects I am still there. I understand that your thinking is clouded by emotion that you can't see clearly at all. It will sink in when you are ready. You haven't hit the wall yet.

[sb129]

22! No wonder he isn't ready for a serious R yet.

 

Jeepers- its not rocket science.

 

22yos at college generally are not looking for anything serious.

[shadowplay]

22! No wonder he isn't ready for a serious R yet.

 

Jeepers- its not rocket science.

 

22yos at college generally are not looking for anything serious.

 

Yeah, but he portrayed himself as different from other guys his age. He was constantly telling me he wanted to marry me, spend the rest of his life with me etc. etc. and needing reassurance from me of the same. And he was never inconsistent in any of his actions or words until the end. I believed it all, like an idiot.

[Jilly Bean]

BTW Shadow, if your Mom really told you to stay friends with him in hopes he will change his mind, I totally get why you behave like this, as Mom wasn't (isn't) exactly a great role model for teaching you to be independent and with an intact self-esteem. NOT whacking on Mom, but she isn't very strong and wise in teaching her daughter to always hold herself in high regard.

 

Shadow, even if your Mom hasn't taught you to think better of yourself, you need to start believing you are worth more than your Mom, or anyone else, ever thinks.

[sb129]

Oh come ON Shadow, he wasn't inconsistent? really?

 

Then how come you broke up? You didn't actually get married, did you?

 

People say all sorts of stuff to get into other peoples pants. People also say stuff they don't really mean or that they think they mean only to realise that they didn't after all.

 

You should be the bigger person here.

He is only 22- the way you are carrying on is going to freak him out.

He does NOT define you. You won't be alone forever.

[nolanola]

Yeah, but he portrayed himself as different from other guys his age. He was constantly telling me he wanted to marry me, spend the rest of his life with me etc. etc. and needing reassurance from me of the same. And he was never inconsistent in any of his actions or words until the end. I believed it all, like an idiot.

 

He sure does have the smooth thing down for being only 22! Wow.

My ex told me he wanted to marry me too, along with a million other things. I wish I had known how much of a red flag this is when he told me these things early into our relationship.

Don't beat yourself up. We all want love and sometimes are willing to overlook huge things because we think that these things don't matter.

I'm sure your ex isn't the devil and doesn't want to hurt you on purpose. BUT the thing is - he isn't really considering your feelings very much at all. In all the time that you've put into journaling here and thinking about why he does what he does - how much of that time do you think he's thought of how you're feeling?

Don't be hard on yourself. You just deserve to be with someone that never makes you doubt how he feels.

[SadandConfusedWA]

BTW, my mom gives me all kinds of advice that even I know is not good for me. She loves me to death and wants what's best for me, but truth to be told, she is a weak person herself and lets everyone treat her like a doormat. I have never once seen her stand up for herself to anyone.

 

When I developed a crush on a married man, my mom encouraged me to ask him to lunch ("marriages break up all the time, he is proabably unhappy because he married young etc - you could get him!"). I mean THIS coming from a mom, even *I* knew better than to follow that advice.

 

My point is, moms are often too emotionally involved and they sometimes offer advice that will end your current suffering (they want us to feel better and now!) rather than thinking long term. Also, if they are weak themselves, they will be poor role model for you as JB has already mentioned.

[CLC2008]

My point is, moms are often too emotionally involved and they sometimes offer advice that will end your current suffering (they want us to feel better and now!) rather than thinking long term.

 

This is true.

 

It's a conflict of interest because you're her daughter and there's a level of emotional investment and attachment involved.

[Ariadne]

I mean THIS coming from a mom, even *I* knew better than to follow that advice.

 

My mom too.

 

In my case I think it's because she has too much confidence in me and thinks that I can do anything I set my mind to, so things that have no chance she thinks I can do them (in work, relationships, etc).

[Star Gazer]

BTW Shadow, if your Mom really told you to stay friends with him in hopes he will change his mind, I totally get why you behave like this, as Mom wasn't (isn't) exactly a great role model for teaching you to be independent and with an intact self-esteem. NOT whacking on Mom, but she isn't very strong and wise in teaching her daughter to always hold herself in high regard.

 

Great point, JB.

[shadowplay]

You guys have succeeded in making me reconsider hanging out with him again. I can't promise, but right now it feels like 60/40 in favor of not hanging out.

 

I know most of you are probably fed up with me; I'm writing this for down myself.

 

I'm getting deja vu. This reminds me of something from my past where a person I trusted betrayed me and they never gave me a reason when I asked them why...but I can't remember when or what it was.

 

It happened a few of times when I was a child/teenager, but there's a specific instance to which it bears creepy similarities. In my head I kept trying to piece together what it was, what I had done wrong, to no avail. Somehow I thought that if I could figure it out, I could move on. I remember the sudden shift from security to helplessness and loss of control.

 

I know I need to accept the fact that it doesn't make sense, but I get this chill whenever I think about how strange it is.

 

From everyone else's perspective it's not a big deal, it was a four month relationship with a stupid college kid. But it was a lot more than that to me. The thing that gets me is the breach of trust and the subsequent rewriting of history, as if it all existed in my head. I feel a bit like a person, who, in a movie stumbles upon a mysterious place one day and the next they return to find dingy empty rooms that look as if they haven't been occupied in years. I trusted him way too much. I did love him, but it's not the loss of that love that hurts as much.

Edited April 26, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I'm starting wonder if LC might work better for me than NC right now. We haven't hung out again, but I have seen him in class several times and we've chatted a bit. I'm actually feeling better at the moment, like I'm starting to move on a bit. We'll see.

 

I reaffirmed to him that if we hang out again we can't do anything sexual, and he said "is there anything at all you'd be open to," and I said, "no." He asked me if I could fck him with a strap on some time, and I said "no." WTF.

 

It felt good setting a boundary. Right now I'm not sure if I want to be friends with him, but I have a feeling once I've moved on completely I won't want to see him at all.

Edited April 28, 2010 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

OK, back to feeling miserable again. I made the mistake of iming him to say hi because usually he ims me when we're both online and I felt sad that he wasn't. We got into another serious conversation over im and I started crying. I probably wouldn't have done this except for the fact that I forgot to take my anti-depressant medication and didn't realize it until I was on the bus. Since it's such a nasty drug, even a few hours of withdrawal make a huge difference. And I couldn't leave campus because I had classes and a therapy appointment nearby. I won't be able to get back until 8 tonight. Anyway, I really think this is why I caved and contacted him. Whenever I initiate any conversation with him it always turns out badly. When he initiates it, it's not as bad because I get the slight comfort of knowing he wanted to talk to me.

 

I told my therapist that I didn't think I could NOT hang out with him again right now. I told her my plan is to hang out with him a few times, not have sex or do anything sexual, be confident and try to have a good time. Then cut off contact or reduce it to almost nothing.

 

Here's my brain's rationalization/reasoning. I want to end it on a slight high point. If I end it now, I won't feel like I have any shred of control because I know he'll always think back on how weak I was after the break up and feel no regret. I also feel like for myself it's easier to be the one to finally cut things off completely. And it will be sort of a slight pay back for what he did to me. I know he still really wants to be friends, so if that goes well for a few times and then I pull away for good, he'll be left feeling a slight taste of what he did to me.

 

My therapist said she can understand why I feel I need to do this, but worries that I'll be placing myself in a slippery situation where he has all the control if he tries to make a move on me and I don't resist. I told her I didn't feel like I could not not hang out with him if he makes contact, so we decided how to work with that in a way that wouldn't leave me feeling completely miserable.

 

We agreed that I would stop initiating anything at all with him. If he wants to contact me or hang out with me for now that's OK, but I won't contact him ever again. I also will maintain clear boundaries when we hang out -- nothing sexual and I'll focus on what I'm feeling rather than what he's feeling.

 

This is something I feel like I can do. I'm not ready to cut off complete contact yet. Sorry, guys.

 

I just want to mention that I spoke to her briefly about this forum. Like my previous therapist, she's wear of me writing on here because I've told her that despite the overwhelming response is supportive, I get some really vicious comments from a few users if I ever break down (which she found appalling). I don't mind people disagreeing with what I do, but stop insulting me. It just leaves me ****ty and then doesn't even stop me from making the same mistake. So it's a lose-lose. If you feel like you're going to insult me, then just refrain from commenting.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I'm starting wonder if LC might work better for me than NC right now. We haven't hung out again, but I have seen him in class several times and we've chatted a bit. I'm actually feeling better at the moment, like I'm starting to move on a bit. We'll see.

 

I reaffirmed to him that if we hang out again we can't do anything sexual, and he said "is there anything at all you'd be open to," and I said, "no." He asked me if I could fck him with a strap on some time, and I said "no." WTF.

It felt good setting a boundary. Right now I'm not sure if I want to be friends with him, but I have a feeling once I've moved on completely I won't want to see him at all.

 

sorry shadow, I lol'd at the bolded. I mean, I would be so turned off if a guy asked me that.

[shadowplay]

sorry shadow, I lol'd at the bolded. I mean, I would be so turned off if a guy asked me that.

 

I know, doesn't that just go to show you what an emotional hook on me this guy has? I thought I'd be totally turned off too, and I still wouldn't do it, but I feel like it's nearly impossible for me to be grossed out by anything about him. Almost any form of intimacy with him seems nice, because I'd be the one giving him pleasure. But I still ain't gonna do it.

 

As awful as it was being pregnant I'd give ANYTHING to go back to feeling like I did then about him.

[Ariadne]

what an emotional hook on me this guy has? I thought I'd be totally turned off..

 

Because he was trying to turn you on by bringing up some sexually explicit comments, since you probably enjoyed having sex with him, and he is still interested in that.

[Ariadne]

sorry shadow, I lol'd at the bolded. I mean, I would be so turned off if a guy asked me that.

 

(And of course he had to bring this one up to make sure she doesn't get her hopes up)