SP's coping log

[shadowplay]

My mother and a few other irl friends suggested if I'm unwilling to move on right now, I try hanging out with him as a friend but not make myself too available. Originally my mother gave me the opposite advice, but revised her opinion. She thinks he's conflicted and said that there's some chance of things working out if I keep things light and get him reacquainted with my positive attributes, but I can't have sex with him.

 

I'm sure she'd prefer if I moved on, but she's also a pragmatist who works with whatever the person is realistically willing to do and tries to damage control. She said as long as I don't give myself to him completely by having sex, acting needy or asking questions, I won't feel like I'm losing that much if it doesn't work out.

 

I value her opinion given her professional experience with people and relationships. I also value the opinions of many people on LS, so it's left me a bit confused about how to proceed.

 

Last night I decided to try an experiment and see if I could actually handle hanging out with him as a friend. He wanted to see me too, but we agreed beforehand that we wouldn't force the physical stuff and no sex. We promised not to talk about relationship stuff either.

 

It actually went really well.

 

He picked me up and we went to a popular ice cream parlor in town. We had a lively conversation. When we got there and he parked the car, he immediately put his hand on my thigh, hugged me and said, "Shadow, I miss you." We kissed for a bit. Then we went to the ice cream place and later to watch a movie on a big projector in the art building. Throughout the night I could tell he felt attracted to me and somewhat emotional. He kept finding reasons to touch me. At another point he said "I really do love you, Shadow."

 

I didn't ask him any questions about the relationship whatsoever and I didn't initiate any of the physical stuff. We didn't have sex or do anything beyond kissing, light touching.

 

I don't feel bad like I did the other nights after I saw him and we got into an argument or had sex. I feel like I have more control because I'm not initiating anything and I've set boundaries.

 

I don't expect it to work out, though I haven't ruled out the possibility. Right now part of my motivation is simply getting through the last two weeks of school and not being crippled by loneliness (which I'm worried will distract from work). This isn't a situation I could ever tolerate indefinitely, but it seems to be working for now. If it doesn't develop I'll have to cut it off when I feel ready to do so.

 

Maybe a year or two later if I was over him and seeing somebody else we could be legitimate friends. Maybe by then I won't want to anymore.

[CLC2008]

Right now part of my motivation is simply getting through the last two weeks of school and not being crippled by loneliness (which I'm worried will distract from work).

 

The dynamic hasn't changed shadow, it's just that now, your ex is the crutch...

[shadowplay]

The dynamic hasn't changed shadow, it's just that now, your ex is the crutch...

 

 

I"m not sure what you mean.

[CLC2008]

I"m not sure what you mean.

 

You said you "want to get through school and not be crippled by loneliness"...

 

I remember you mentioned you wanted to reach out to that female friend from your class that you talked about hanging out with? Did anything transpire with that?

[Art_Critic]

I think it's become a vicious cycle.

 

Indeed...it sure has..

[shadowplay]

You said you "want to get through school and not be crippled by loneliness"...

 

I remember you mentioned you wanted to reach out to that female friend from your class that you talked about hanging out with? Did anything transpire with that?

 

I'm waiting to go to her art show next week, and talk with her there.

[northstar1]

Shadow, this is becoming like Groundhog Day. Don't you see he's sending just enough affection to keep you hooked? No doubt he will try and have sex with you again and this cycle will start again.

 

No contact is no contact, period. You can't move on if you are still hanging onto him.

[CLC2008]

I'm waiting to go to her art show next week, and talk with her there.

 

Excellent

[Ariadne]

that means I should hold onto him because he's better than I am and I really lucked out to have ever had him.

 

Nah. The truth is that when you were pregnant by him you were completely disgusted and that is your true feeling.

 

You are probably shocked that this has happened and it doesn't make sense to you since he seemed so in love..

 

You simple triggered the "run away" button that men have. I've done it lots of times. If this guy was right for you he wouldn't have done that and support you with the presentation problem you had.

 

Yes, you could have been more mature in another world and go with him but that didn't happen and you felt the way you did. Don't beat yourself up for that.

 

Goddammit, I miss him so much. This hurts like hell.

 

This is exactly the same scenario of the previous bf.

 

You simple cannot live without drama and get bored. If you don't have drama you fabricate it like writing a letter to an old school teacher.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, this is becoming like Groundhog Day. Don't you see he's sending just enough affection to keep you hooked? No doubt he will try and have sex with you again and this cycle will start again.

 

No contact is no contact, period. You can't move on if you are still hanging onto him.

 

I don't expect everyone to agree with my choice, but it's working for me right now so I'm going with it. In an ideal world I would let go completely, but that's not where I am right now. I don't see it as being the same as the other times that I made contact because at those points I broke down and later felt awful. This morning I felt fine after hanging out with him the night before, because I maintained my boundaries. In a weird way it almost made me feel more detached from him, maybe because I saw that I could be around him without falling apart. I know two weeks ago I would haven't been able to handle this.

 

I can't predict the future, and if things change and this no longer works for me then I'll stop seeing him even as a friend.

 

I also don't think it's as simple as him manipulating me for sex. I can see how it would seem that way from your perspective, but bear in mind I know him better than anyone on LS does. I may be more biased in my perspective because of my emotional attachment, but I also have a lot more information with which to judge. Even if manipulation is one motivation, the truth is probably more complicated. I think that he does genuinely miss me, but also feels something stronger in the opposite direction.

Edited April 25, 2010 by shadowplay

[sb129]

Get back to us when the fantasy ends SP and you finally decide to have some self respect.

[Els]

Honestly, I don't see what's so bad about SP's decision. YES, the guy might crush her again. She might go through it all over again, and hurt worse. But even if that happens, eventually it WILL succeed in knocking him off her pedestal, and instead of longing for 'what could have been', she might see 'what is', and the consequent breakup and healing might be easier.

[Hot Carl]

I wouldn't be too judgmental about it. I know I've been on the rollercoaster myself a couple of times. You can't know what a crappy ride it ends up being until you've actually ridden it. It's not the same when eople describe it to you and warn you about it. Not to mention you're getting this advice from someone you should trust more than any of us: your mom.

 

In the end I'm pretty sure you'll figure out there is nothing to be gained from keeping him in your life. The only way to come to that conclusion is to play it out and get to the point where you actually see that the value is gone.

 

This will harden your resolve in future relationships.

[sb129]

Nothing, its her life.

 

But she continuously posts about it on here asking for advice then disregards said advice in the next breath.

 

Then next week some other crisis will happen and she'll expect sympathy.

[sb129]

I wouldn't be too judgmental about it. I know I've been on the rollercoaster myself a couple of times. You can't know what a crappy ride it ends up being until you've actually ridden it. It's not the same when eople describe it to you and warn you about it. Not to mention you're getting this advice from someone you should trust more than any of us: your mom.

 

In the end I'm pretty sure you'll figure out there is nothing to be gained from keeping him in your life. The only way to come to that conclusion is to play it out and get to the point where you actually see that the value is gone.

 

This will harden your resolve in future relationships.

 

This says it better than I did! And more nicely. Its true, I have been burned a few times pretty badly, and learned my lessons- but I did it the hard way.

[Hot Carl]

But she continuously posts about it on here asking for advice then disregards said advice in the next breath.

 

Then next week some other crisis will happen and she'll expect sympathy.

 

I'd be annoyed if it wasn't her mom making the suggestion. Shadow is just going to have to figure this out for herself. A consequence of all this is that the advice/sympathy pool might dry up. Breakups are hard.

[shadowplay]

----------------

[Star Gazer]

Get back to us when the fantasy ends SP and you finally decide to have some self respect.

 

Here, here!

 

I'd be annoyed if it wasn't her mom making the suggestion.

 

Yeah, well, I don't think it came from her mom, the training psychologist who recommended an entire therapy type to get Shadow away from him. Rather, I think Shadow has come up with that on her own.

 

Shadow is just going to have to figure this out for herself. A consequence of all this is that the advice/sympathy pool might dry up. Breakups are hard.

 

I think it's already drying up... notice how few people respond anymore?

 

 

Oh well.

[shadowplay]

^typical response from you. If you're going to accuse me of lying, I'd appreciate it if you stopped responding to my threads.

[northstar1]

Shadow, I think most here just want to see you avoid making the same mistakes, not to attack your character.

I know you felt a bond with this guy, but he treated you like crap and then walked, and now is being aloof. But it seems you are tying your self-esteem to him.

 

He is giving you scraps, enough to keep you around. When you ignore him, he's trying a little bit more to reel you back in.

 

Old adage, but "We pursue those things that move away from us". He saw you backing off, making him less a priority, so he began to pursue again. I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, but it's always on his terms, not yours.

 

I think most just worry that you will allow your guard down based on his recent actions, and let him use you again and it will hurt more.

 

Base his worth of you on his actions, not words. A man who is truly interested in you for your mind AND body will demonstrate this through respectful actions towards you. You deserve that. You don't deserve a push/pull dynamic which ultimately causes you to feel anxiety and lose sleep over him. You're young and have a long dating history still to be written. This guy is not someone you should waste your emotional energy on any longer.

[sb129]

Base his worth of you on his actions, not words. A man who is truly interested in you for your mind AND body will demonstrate this through respectful actions towards you. You deserve that. You don't deserve a push/pull dynamic which ultimately causes you to feel anxiety and lose sleep over him. You're young and have a long dating history still to be written. This guy is not someone you should waste your emotional energy on any longer.

 

Perfectly said.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, I think most here just want to see you avoid making the same mistakes, not to attack your character.

I know you felt a bond with this guy, but he treated you like crap and then walked, and now is being aloof. But it seems you are tying your self-esteem to him.

 

He is giving you scraps, enough to keep you around. When you ignore him, he's trying a little bit more to reel you back in.

 

Old adage, but "We pursue those things that move away from us". He saw you backing off, making him less a priority, so he began to pursue again. I'm not saying he doesn't have feelings for you, but it's always on his terms, not yours.

 

I think most just worry that you will allow your guard down based on his recent actions, and let him use you again and it will hurt more.

 

Base his worth of you on his actions, not words. A man who is truly interested in you for your mind AND body will demonstrate this through respectful actions towards you. You deserve that. You don't deserve a push/pull dynamic which ultimately causes you to feel anxiety and lose sleep over him. You're young and have a long dating history still to be written. This guy is not someone you should waste your emotional energy on any longer.

 

I know that the vast majority of people responding to this thread genuinely care. While it's fine if people disagree with my choices, I don't appreciate being insulted or accused of lying (which you didn't do). It's not like I'm choosing a life of prostitution and drugs. I'm just staying friends with my ex for at least the next few weeks because it's helping me get through the semester.

 

I understand the logic behind what you're saying, and I get it on an intellectual level. On an emotional one it still hasn't sunken in. I think this is something I just have to do on my own.

 

I guess the difference between the advice I get here and in a therapist's office is that a therapist never says "DON'T be friends with your ex." Instead they give you some input, but they have enough experience to know that often people will sometimes just do what they're going to do and it's pointless to argue with them about it. Somebody needs to make a choice on their own terms.

 

Another thing to consider is that while I might not follow advice I get in the moment, if often sinks in later once I realize I've made a mistake and it strengthens my resolve to not repeat that mistake.

[Star Gazer]

^typical response from you. If you're going to accuse me of lying, I'd appreciate it if you stopped responding to my threads.

 

And a typical response from you too, Shadow.

 

You posted this morning that you got the info on the therapy thing from your mother. And yet now you're saying that she's changed her professional opinion? Hmmmm.....

 

I'm not calling you a liar. I just don't think you're representing what she said accurately. But it wouldn't be the first time that you were admittedly dishonest here, now would it?

 

What's really, really sad - is that you haven't hit rock bottom yet. Do you understand that, Shadow? It will actually get worse than it was a week ago... because you're going to let it.

[Kamille]

I love HC's post. I've been on that roller coaster too and yes, it's not a fun ride but I found it impossible to walk away.

 

In fact, I know most of use here have been there: everyone around us saw that the best course of action was to walk away, and yet we had to hit rock bottom before we would finally snap back to life, get angry and finally be able to walk away.

 

The only thing that worries me, Shadow, is that when he first broke up you expressed some suicidal thoughts. Please make sure you keep reaching to people you trust and don't isolate yourself.

[shadowplay]

I love HC's post. I've been on that roller coaster too and yes, it's not a fun ride but I found it impossible to walk away.

 

In fact, I know most of use here have been there: everyone around us saw that the best course of action was to walk away, and yet we had to hit rock bottom before we would finally snap back to life, get angry and finally be able to walk away.

 

The only thing that worries me, Shadow, is that when he first broke up you expressed some suicidal thoughts. Please make sure you keep reaching to people you trust and don't isolate yourself.

 

Hi Kamille. Thanks for asking. I haven't had those thoughts since the first day or so after the breakup, thank god. Yeah, I'm trying to keep myself connected. Have been in touch with family, and currently seeing a new therapist.