I have breast cancer

[LucreziaBorgia]

Today is my first Vicodan free day. I found that I don't need it today. I also took a shower! That felt really nice. I am still a little swollen and sore, but nothing near what I was before. The port is still uncomfortable, but I guess that is to be expected given that it is something implanted under my skin. I still can't sleep on my side yet.

 

I have been endlessly googling 'margins' and 'satellite lesions'. The only thing I can find really is that you have a higher chance of 'dirty' margins when you have satellite lesions. My doctor didn't really touch on the lesions in my MRI report except to say that it made the area of involvement bigger - I guess I'll hear more about that when I go in on Thursday.

[Timberlane]

Very nice to get an update from you, LB.

[AriaIncognito]

LB -

 

I havent been on for a few days and I'm so glad to read that everything went well, and that you are already feeling better than you did after surgery.

 

I hope your progress continues, I know you've got tons of people pulling for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I thank you all!

 

As for my situation, if its not one thing its another I guess. I am having some troubles not related to the cancer thing, and it is hard to deal with. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years now - not living together, but staying together for long periods of time, and often. He is moving back here in the next couple of weeks to set a place up for us. I have to be in a new place by the time chemo starts. My old apartment is a deathtrap for someone who will not have an immune system, so I have to be out of there. Over the past couple of weeks, we have been looking at places and he has shot down the two properties that we were looking at buying. So, now its going to be a rental for a while. Yesterday, I set us up an appointment to go look at a place today.

 

Last night, bf came into town and met me at my old place. He was distant, cold, no hug, no 'how are you', no 'I missed you', sitting a couple of feet away and he was very quiet. I knew something was wrong and I eventually got it out of him. Now that we have reached the 'point of no return' in which we will actually be living together, he is having second thoughts. He knows he wants to be with me. That isn't the issue. The problem is that being involved with a mother is a PACKAGE DEAL. If you take on the mom, you get her kid too and all that it entails. He isn't sure about the kid thing. He sees having a kid in your life as a limitation - something that hampers any opportunities, and traps you in life. He likes my kid, has spent time with her and does stuff with her - but he isn't sure about the 'instant family' thing. He is afraid that he will always have a lesser place in my life than my kid and her dad, and that his decisions in life will always be influenced by them. I can understand that. I see that on these boards all the time. It is hard to start a life with someone who already had a life established before you came along.

 

So, it came down to this - he is trying to decide whether or not to break up with me. He knows that he can't have me without the package deal. So, he is struggling - do you let the woman you love go because you don't want the package deal, or do you sacrifice your own need not to be in that situation in order to be with the woman you love? He was upset. I was upset. All I could process is that he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not.

 

I came back here last night, took a pill and laid down. He came upstairs, kissed me, told me that he loved me and that we would go look at the place today.

 

So, there it is. I don't know what to expect today. It is a strange limbo. I don't know what my health holds in store. I don't know what my personal life holds in store. I'm just floating now.

[Havn_a_life]

Well, for my part, I would have to say, if it were me, if my child wasn't in the package I wouldn't be.

The SO is a grown person and can take care of themself. My child needs me and I have to think of my child.

I hope you are doing well, LB, even though you have this to deal with.

I hope this works out for you and your child, whether your SO stays or not.

Rest and get better. Prayers your way!

[Kasan]

So, it came down to this - he is trying to decide whether or not to break up with me. He knows that he can't have me without the package deal. So, he is struggling - do you let the woman you love go because you don't want the package deal, or do you sacrifice your own need not to be in that situation in order to be with the woman you love? He was upset. I was upset. All I could process is that he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not.

 

Oh LB, so much on your plate now. You are such a smart woman, I am sure that you have already thought about this.

 

Men handle life crises so differently than women. As much as this has thrown you for a loop, your SO seems to be reeling. I am sure that his head is spinning around like a top--factor in a child(I know he/she was already there) and wow!

 

Is it fair that he is pulling this right now--nope and nope. But I do believe that from what you write that he loves you--he is just having cold feet right now.

 

Please focus on yourself healing right now--that is your priority--the rest will sort itself out.

[Ladyjane14]

I thank you all!

 

As for my situation, if its not one thing its another I guess. I am having some troubles not related to the cancer thing, and it is hard to deal with. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years now - not living together, but staying together for long periods of time, and often. He is moving back here in the next couple of weeks to set a place up for us. I have to be in a new place by the time chemo starts. My old apartment is a deathtrap for someone who will not have an immune system, so I have to be out of there. Over the past couple of weeks, we have been looking at places and he has shot down the two properties that we were looking at buying. So, now its going to be a rental for a while. Yesterday, I set us up an appointment to go look at a place today.

 

Last night, bf came into town and met me at my old place. He was distant, cold, no hug, no 'how are you', no 'I missed you', sitting a couple of feet away and he was very quiet. I knew something was wrong and I eventually got it out of him. Now that we have reached the 'point of no return' in which we will actually be living together, he is having second thoughts. He knows he wants to be with me. That isn't the issue. The problem is that being involved with a mother is a PACKAGE DEAL. If you take on the mom, you get her kid too and all that it entails. He isn't sure about the kid thing. He sees having a kid in your life as a limitation - something that hampers any opportunities, and traps you in life. He likes my kid, has spent time with her and does stuff with her - but he isn't sure about the 'instant family' thing. He is afraid that he will always have a lesser place in my life than my kid and her dad, and that his decisions in life will always be influenced by them. I can understand that. I see that on these boards all the time. It is hard to start a life with someone who already had a life established before you came along.

 

So, it came down to this - he is trying to decide whether or not to break up with me. He knows that he can't have me without the package deal. So, he is struggling - do you let the woman you love go because you don't want the package deal, or do you sacrifice your own need not to be in that situation in order to be with the woman you love? He was upset. I was upset. All I could process is that he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me or not.

 

I came back here last night, took a pill and laid down. He came upstairs, kissed me, told me that he loved me and that we would go look at the place today.

 

So, there it is. I don't know what to expect today. It is a strange limbo. I don't know what my health holds in store. I don't know what my personal life holds in store. I'm just floating now.

 

 

Geez LB, like you don't have enough on your plate already.

 

I'm sorry hon. But from this side of the computer screen... I just can't really like this guy. You're facing the biggest challenge of your life, anxious for yourself, anxious for your child, and here he is presenting you with another problem and more uncertainty? It's kind of like he's making it all about him.

 

Is it too late for you to make other plans for your chemo treatment? I mean, first things first... you've got bigger fish to fry right now than dealing with a wishy-washy boyfriend. One hurdle at a time, right?

[marlena]

Lucretia,

 

What horrible timing! I'm so sorry you have to go through something like this on top of everything else you have to deal with. I'm sure your boyfriend will come through for the both of you. Why am I so sure? Because you read people very well. You wouldn't continue to be with this man if you didn't think he could come through.The fact that he is looking for a place is itself a positive indication. When the time comes and you are all living in your own place, I'm sure he will have a change of heart. Hope you are feeling a little bit better physically. Look after yourself! We need you here on LS!

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sucks, that's for sure. The uncertainty for him isn't a new thing. We've talked about it a lot. He gave up the lease on his place, told me he was moving back to be with me, told his family that he was moving back to be with me, and was actively looking for a place for us (even before the cancer thing) - I figured that he had worked out his issues and was ready to move forward. I was thrown off last night when he told me how unsure he still is about the situation. I gave him ample opportunity to walk. I told him that he was free to go at any time. He just simply refuses to let me go. That doesn't change the fact that he is also afraid of what holding on to me means in terms of how his life will change.

 

He is going to move here - its already a done deal for him. I just don't understand how he can be so sure about moving back here, while at the same time being unsure about the future of our relationship. I figure he must be sure on some level, or he wouldn't be coming back. Maybe he is just afraid of the situation, rather than unsure about it. I don't know. He did say this morning that he was looking forward to checking out the place that we might be living in, so that's something.

 

If something does happen though, and it falls through - I have places I can go to recuperate. I have done some foolish stuff in my life, but putting all of my eggs into one basket during this cancer thing isn't one of them. I have my bases covered. I just hope that they cover in the way I want them to. If not... well, then I'll get through it anyway.

[melodymatters]

Oh lordy LB !!!

 

I have been folowing your thread, and am in awe of your strength and also your graciousness in sharing this life altering experience with us !!!

 

Sometimes one feels a bit silly relying on a forum, but threads like this one show how very meaningful they can be. Thank you.

 

I am so sorry about the BF indecision, but it sounds like he really does love you, and hopefully once life goes back to the day to day, he will see that his fears are unfounded. Whatever the case, I'm sure you will come through with the grace and strength you show here daily !

 

Good luck !!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I suspect the recent turn of events has recycled some old fears as well as creating even more for him. It’s the combination of challenges you are now facing as a couple rather than just the “package deal” explanation he politely gave. Maybe he’s not nearly as strong and seasoned as you are, and has doubts about being able to manage the responsibilities of a grown-up relationship. I remember in your earlier posts about him that he seemed to have a boyish quality to him, which can be oh-so charming sometimes and at other times, can come off as being somewhat selfish and self-absorbed in nature.

 

You are a gift to him, Lucrezia. A walking lesson in life. And he’ll either meet the challenge and learn to grow up within this relationship to become a Man ... or fail to be someone of any great substance that you can lean on (and deserve to have by your side) during those rare occasions when you’re unable to be the only pillar of strength in your relationships --- As you have always been, both past and present.

 

I wonder if you are even aware of how many years worth of experience it takes for most people to achieve the kind of wisdom, courage and strength of character you have already acquired. At the end of the day, you’ll be just fine, and land on your feet as always. Just another day older and wiser for the experience. But you’ll have to search far and wide to find your “equal” in a partner, and life sometimes has a way of presenting it’s own litmus tests to hurry along that filtering process.

 

He’ll either succeed or he’ll fail. But YOU, my dear, will always be the Survivor.

[whichwayisup]

Wow his timing sucks...It is possible he's terrified of dealing with your breast cancer and maybe feels like he isn't capable of being there for you? And maybe using the kid thing as an excuse?

 

I am sorry that he's chosen now to do this to you, this is the last thing you need to deal with right now.

 

Suggest to him to go talk to someone so he can sort out his thoughts and fears...Maybe it will help him. Fear can do alot of weird things inside the head!

[DazedandConfused66]

LB, I'm so sorry to hear about the emotional trauma you are dealing with in addition to recovery. Plus you've still got an important milestone in front of you this week in getting your pathology results back.

 

I told you earlier that I lead a small group of other men who are struggling with support issues for their wives, spouses (same sex as well...colon cancer in his partners' case) and at least for one man, his fiancee's skin cancer. One thing I have heard from many men and have some experience with myself is the sudden fear of being "left behind" should their partner not survive the cancer. It's a very real and valid fear and brings with it a flood of emotions....guilt being one of the biggest ones. For me personally, when my wife was first diagnosed, I went into serious depression for about 2 months. I kept it bottled up and didn't show it to her but I REALLY struggled with the guilt of worrying about MY life without her. I mean, she had the cancer, she needed me in the here and now to support her and I was already thinking ahead 2-4 years to a bleak but pragmatic future without her in it. And those thoughts disgusted me about myself, although I now know they are quite common. How would I handle childcare for the kids? Would I remarry? Would I want to even consider dating again let alone marriage? What about our now-useless retirement goals and plans? What if _I_ got ill, who would raise the kids with her gone? What would the kids feel if mom died from this?

 

Morbid I know, but I was in Defcon 3 mode almost immediately after her diagnoses and, before I knew it, I caught myself literally LIVING as if she was dying. And like a well-aimed kick to the gonads, I mean I REALLY "caught" myself doing it and had to smack myself around to get out of the funk quickly and get on with the battle plan of helping her fight the Enemy. That was more or less my primary motivation and why I speak so vehemently now about NOT letting cancer gain footing in your lifestyle...it is incredibly easy to get suckered into this kind of mental state. It happens far, far too often.

 

Now I don't know your guy....I've no idea of the history about your relationship. This may or may not be connected to your health at all. But please understand that this is VERY normal behavior from a partner(s) perspective. In my case, I was married and so my mind wandered to picking up the pieces should my wife not survive. For a single guy, or an engaged guy, I've literally witnessed several instances where this feeling of fatalism pushes them into a funk where they basically just begin internalizing the loss of you BEFORE they even realize it. There are entire books written about this subject...I can find you some good references if you want it.

 

As horrid as this behavior may sound, I can only say from someone who considers myself a pretty good guy and husband overall that IT HAPPENS WITHOUT YOU EVEN REALIZING IT IS HAPPENING. I personally think it's because of the "fix it" nature of men in general...we can't fix the cancer, so we instead start looking for ways to build something new. In my case, I woke up and pushed those thoughts out of my head and heart. But I've witnessed guys who start affairs when their wives get cancer, break off engagements and otherwise act like complete asses. Oh and it's not just men...I've seen and witnessed it happening with women as well.

 

And it's motivated in many cases (not all...some guys are just creeps) by simple FEAR and IGNORANCE. They have it drilled into them that cancer=death and loss of the spouse/partner. So they internalize that (guys are rotten at internalizing everything in general) and start living/behaving as if your near-term death is already a given. It's almost like "pre-grieving" and it's very, very real. I read from one author who even classified it as "pre-post traumatic stress syndrome."

 

Like I said...I don't know your guy. I don't know his motivations for saying what he's said or the change in his behaviors. He may be dealing with a lack of understanding about your condition, he may be dealing with irrational fears about raising your daughter without you (irrational because, most likely, your daughter would be raised by your ex without you around...bio dad trumps him), he may suddenly realize that if you were gone he'd have no LIFE with your daughter and therefore has pre-distanced himself to avoid the pain of that situation, he may be so deeply in love with you that he can't imagine a life without you so he's trying to protect his heart from the 'given' (in his emotional state anyways) of your eventual loss, etc etc etc.

 

You know me well enough now to know I just throw things out there...not sure always if they are applicable or not. But this is such a common thing I hear in my own groups and from so many other men who are supporting their partners during cancer battles that I just have to throw it out there. He may not be dealing with things well and that may turn you off on HIM, but it may be worth applying this knowledge to your unique situation and asking whether or not he's exhibiting pure fear right now, motivating him to behave poorly.

 

I'd just hate to see your cancer, if it IS to blame in this situation, gain a foothold outside of your body. But this is EXACTLY the type of thing I was talking about when I made that comment earlier in this thread.

 

What do you think? Just not the right guy here or mitigating circumstances? If the latter, I'd love to help....it is fixable, he just needs a emotional and psychological tune-up about his role in all of this.

 

Always thinking about you LB....not trying to be a buttinski. Just saying that I see this almost all the time in support circles for cancer.

[mistieyed]

I just found out yesterday. It was a quick diagnosis. Wednesday, I go in to have a lump checked out. The doctor thought it might just be some fibrodense tissue, but sent me in the next day for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound. After the tests, the doctor at the radiology clinic came in and told me it looked suspicious, serious and that I needed to get it taken care of immediately. She said that my doctor would be calling within the afternoon and that I needed to prepare myself for that call.

 

My doctor called around 4:45 yesterday to tell me that she was very sorry, but that there was every indication of malignancy. They found spiculation, and that is always a bad sign. Some other things popped up too, that basically confirmed it for her. On Tuesday, I go in for some boob digging surgery to take a look at what is inside, see the cell structure, and find out how far its spread and how much boob I am going to lose. I have already decided that if they take one, they may as well take the other. I have 38D's and there is no way I will walk around with a big boob hanging on one side, and nothing on the other. I'd rather be completely flat than have to deal with a lopsidedness that big. I know its probably vain and silly, but I don't care. I simply don't want a uniboob. Not to mention that with as virulent as breast cancer runs in my family, that other boob could very well be next.

 

Yesterday, I was in shock. My ex came and spent the day with me, checking up on me, calling, and in the afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school he met us at the mall, and we told her that afternoon. She was upset, but relieved that I'm not going to die from it (not that we know of anyway, it doesn't look like it has spread past the breast). She is not happy with the idea of her mother being bald - we joked about that, actually. She's a tween now, so I can understand why that concerns her. Kids have funny ways of dealing with stuff like this. She said, hey ... think of it this way.. "no more bras!" She also asked if I was going to look like her (she's still got an undeveloped little girl chest), and I said 'yeah'. Even in the worst of it, I still found time to laugh a little with my girl. What else can you do? Crying and carrying on won't help. Later that night, my boyfriend came into town and we hung out, watched movies and I hit the sack.

 

Today, I go to work - they said I didn't have to come in, but I explained that right now I need to be doing normal routine stuff. So, today - work. This weekend - fun (I am going to see a band I like on Saturday). Monday - my last day of work before taking a leave of absence. Tuesday, my life starts to change. I guess right now, I don't hurt and I'm not suffering any physical consequences so its easy to skate on the edge of denial. After Tuesday, though...

 

I think back on everything I've agonized over the past couple of years. It seems so f*cking stupid to have even worried about it now, compared to what is going through my mind now. I have cancer for G_d's sake, who cares about that other trivial stuff?

 

Its funny how something like this puts things into perspective. On one hand, I found that all my other worries vanished which was nice. On the other hand, I have a whole new set of worries that never occurred to me that I would have to worry about. Like not having insurance, for instance. My ex has a business and he hired me as his art director, and we were filling out the paperwork for the group plan when I found this out. At least in my state, there is a Cervical and Breast Cancer medicaid plan that I qualify for. Any women without insurance who is diagnosed with cancer qualifies, so I guess today or Monday I will be headed out to the dreaded Social Services office to square that away. I can hardly wait. That place is a nightmare. At least its there, though...

 

So... right now I do what I normally do. I work. I help my kid with homework. I hang out with my ex. I spend time with my boyfriend. I feed my LoveShack addiction. I post away like normal. It is keeping me sane right now.

 

Why post it here? Why not? This place is like an interactive blog for me anyway, and its nice to get some stuff out anonymously. Somehow posting it - putting it to actual words helps in a weird way. I thought about posting about it on my MySpace page, but for some reason it is much easier to do it here...

 

hi. I haven't read the posts that followed your initial post (maybe i should), but I wish you all the luck in the world and a huge hug to comfort you during this time. I know first hand how breast cancer can affect a person as my mother had the second most aggressive form of it. Like you mentioned above, she wanted to have both removed if one was taken and the docs would not allow it because if it ever comes back, it is a somewhat (for lack of a better explanation) buffer to keep it from getting to your limp nodes. just wanted to wish you the best. btw, just know that no matter what they tell you, anything is possible. my mom was given less than six months - she had chemo monthly, weekly, and daily for a while. although it was brutal for her, she has now been with us for six years and is still as stubborn as ever.

[DazedandConfused66]

One additional observation, your bf's comments about the 'total package' may have been somewhat motivated by the fact that he's witnessing your ex playing an important role in your recovery. Men are very protective by nature and to witness your EH playing the current role of providing you "shelter" may have opened up some weird feelings for him that he didn't realize prior.

 

You are in a unique situation. I'm not trying to justify your BF's behaviors at all. Just saying that there is a part of me that can identify with getting weirded out over your unique situation and sometimes, that means we men don't act the way we should or would like to.

 

Regardless, I do agree with the other posters here. You have a LOT on your plate right now. I'd just hate to see you lose your BF when this can be dealt with if he's ready and willing to address this. It's not at all uncommon in similar situations to your own...I see it often.

[Mz. Pixie]

LB- I'm just now reading this! Where have I been??

 

I'm so sorry about the cancer!! Hugs to you!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, I just got done talking with the boyfriend. It does not look like he is going to move here after all. I don't know what that means for us as a couple. I haven't even had time to think about it. It was just minutes ago that we talked about this. He went up to shower, and I logged on here...

 

So, I will be going it alone. I have my ex living nearby and he will be there for me, and I have family here who will look in on me. I am grateful for the friends and family that I have to help me out - some people don't have any support. I can't imagine that. Some people have it far worse than I do.

 

Tomorrow is my pathology report results from the surgery. I don't know what that will be, but I'm hoping for the best. The satellite lesions were not a good sign. If there has to be more surgery, I am prepared. I have already told my doctor that mastectomy will be my next decision if there is still cancer in there, and a prophylactic mastectomy on the other side to even things out. If I go the reconstruction route, I'd rather reconstruct a matching pair than to try to reconstruct a D cup boob to match a natural one.

 

My heart is broken, but right now a broken heart is the least of my worries.

[DazedandConfused66]

LB, my heart just sank. I don't know what to say. There are times when it seems as if the world just conspires to keep ya down no matter how much fighting you already have to do. I still believe you will be a victor out of this situation. I am just sorry you have to deal with heartbreak on top of everything else. On the other hand, if you must face this without your bf, there is a part of me that believes it's better to know that NOW than 4 months from now when chemo will be wearing you down quite a bit physically and emotionally. Never a good time for this, but I guess if you are forced to choose....it's now.

 

Good luck with the pathology results tomorrow. We had my wife's follow-on with the surgeon today. I got to look at her naked in her full glory, new boob, bellybutton and tummy. The stitches are all still there, obviously, will be some time before they are gone. And her body is fairly bruised up, but I got to see the new boob and how it currently matches her real one. Simply amazing job....I had no idea that reconstruction can accomplish this. Yes, of course, it's not the same. But omg....such a remarkable feat to know my wife is wearing her old belly tissue for a boob now. In about 3 months, they will go back in and do some light liposuction on the reconstructed boob...can't do that when they transplant the tissue. But they can after it grafts properly (again...amazing). At the same time, they'll "tuck and lift" her real breast slightly to bring both of her current D cups to something close to C cups.....maybe more like C+ cups?

 

She took my hand and placed it onto her new boob...I was a bit hesitant about it...I could kick myself for letting it show on my face. I wasn't repulsed or anything like that, more in awe of it really....but she sensed that and took my hand and placed it on her new boob. I touched it tenderly, although she doesn't feel much there right now. While it's warm to the touch, it's her skin and all....she won't have feelings in it for a long time if ever as the nerve endings were mostly severed. There are cases of women gaining some sensitivity back, but it's rare. I'll share something with you and the others here.....I told my wife she could and should do whatever reconstructive option she wanted. I fully support her desire to have a replacement boob of her own tissue as opposed to something like an implant, or even just to go with prosthetics from here on out. It was her choice and I supported any option. But honestly, seeing the look on her face when I touched her breast and the tears flowing down her face when she saw me do it....well....I'm getting pretty choked up just typing this now a few hours later. I was scared to death for her to have this surgery truth be told. I was, and still am, going "what if???" to all the unknown future direction cancer can still take in her life. So in my heart I wanted her to just leave her body alone. I have proven to her I didn't care if she only had one breast, I am still turned on by her (greatly) and can make love to her, have wild animal sex with her, hold her tightly while dancing, hug her, cuddle with her, etc. I didn't care about the reconstruction and a part of me wanted her to just skip it altogether.

 

But she did. Obviously. It was an indescribable moment to touch her there and see that, for her, she really has been struggling with whether or not I, the man who promised to love and honor and cherish her until death do us part, would still touch her the way I used to. And it made me so very ashamed that she felt that, no matter how hard I KNOW I've tried to make her believe the opposite. Here I was not wanting her to do anything "out there" to regain something as inconsequential to ME as a boob, and not realizing the depths of emotion that having one again meant to HER. God I can be so self-centered sometimes and not even realize it.

 

I hate this disease. HATE it. If it can rob my wife of her sense of feeling "loveable," of making her question my desire and affection for her, of making her question my willingness and desire to TOUCH her...simple TOUCH. It hits home hard. I fully understand the power of the damn thing to become cancerous in your lifestyle. I see it all the time in others I'm around. I am so violently opposed to letting it happen. I don't want to see it happen to you either. Reading this just infuriates me...not at your boyfriend because, as I've stated, I have some empathy for his side of the situation. Doesn't make it right, but I can relate on some level. But it infuriates me to see that YOU end up having to deal with it. Especially now.

 

Sorry...sometimes, my emotion gets the better of me. Thanks for giving me an outlet.

 

Good luck tomorrow...I'll be eagerly awaiting the results of your pathology. Best wishes that it comes back with a resounding "Got the bastard....margins are great!" That's what I'm waiting to here.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just got back from my doctor. What we thought were satellite lesions from the main tumor were actually separate individual cancers in and of themselves. Luckily my doctor got them all out. The margins for those tumors is clean - meaning they got the invasive cancers out of there.

 

Unfortunately, the path report showed that there are additional ductal carcinoma in situ in the lobes surrounding the tumor. So, there is still cancer in there.

 

What next?

 

Chemotherapy first. Then more surgery. Then radiation. Estimated time of treatment? One year.

 

Man, a whole year. I can't believe it. I guess I will happily trade in one year, for a chance at many more in the future.

[whichwayisup]

((LB)) Just take each day as it comes. If you don't already, get into doing meditation and teach your mind to go to that special place when need be..

 

I wish I could wave that magic wand and make it all this go away NOW (and I wanna take that wand and smack your bf on the head so he can snap out of it - But I honestly think he's scared of dealing with everything, he does love you LB, don't doubt that even though he's being a shi.thead right now!) but as they say, this experience will only make you stronger.

 

Hugs again,

[tanbark813]

It is possible he's terrified of dealing with your breast cancer and maybe feels like he isn't capable of being there for you? And maybe using the kid thing as an excuse?

 

I have to agree with this. As insightful--and probably accurate--as D&C's post is regarding the internalization of things, it doesn't take two goddamn years to figure out whether or not you're ready for the "total package". I've dated a girl with a kid before and you figure that kind of thing out pretty f**king fast. There's no way the breakup is only about the kid.

 

At ay rate, sorry about the latest news LB. Keep fighting the good fight.

[coco_milkshake]

Dont give up LB. You will be fine. You are such an inspiration to me.

[Kasan]

I just got back from my doctor. What we thought were satellite lesions from the main tumor were actually separate individual cancers in and of themselves. Luckily my doctor got them all out. The margins for those tumors is clean - meaning they got the invasive cancers out of there.

 

Unfortunately, the path report showed that there are additional ductal carcinoma in situ in the lobes surrounding the tumor. So, there is still cancer in there.

 

What next?

 

Chemotherapy first. Then more surgery. Then radiation. Estimated time of treatment? One year.

 

Man, a whole year. I can't believe it. I guess I will happily trade in one year, for a chance at many more in the future.

 

Life is strange with its twists and turns, and I am so sorry LB.

 

To me, this is probably the most important thread in this forum. I check in frequently to see how you and Dazed are doing in the fight against breast cancer.

 

I don't have the words to describe what I feel when I read your posts....words simply escape me.

 

You develop a sense of what a person is like based on the words they write...and the two of you are so very articulate in your choice of words. I admire your strength, honesty, and compassion.

 

I wish that I could offer up some inspirational words for the both of you, but, how could I, when I don't have a clue about what you are going through.

 

But...I will continue to check in and send my positive thoughts to the both of you.

[Havn_a_life]

Same here. I check in everyday. My heart is with you, LB, and hope and pray you get through this ordeal.

Bless you so much! You are such a fighter!

[DazedandConfused66]

I just got back from my doctor. What we thought were satellite lesions from the main tumor were actually separate individual cancers in and of themselves. Luckily my doctor got them all out. The margins for those tumors is clean - meaning they got the invasive cancers out of there.

 

Unfortunately, the path report showed that there are additional ductal carcinoma in situ in the lobes surrounding the tumor. So, there is still cancer in there.

 

What next?

 

Chemotherapy first. Then more surgery. Then radiation. Estimated time of treatment? One year.

 

Man, a whole year. I can't believe it. I guess I will happily trade in one year, for a chance at many more in the future.

 

 

Well certainly not "great" news, but LB, I can honestly say that I'm thankful to hear what you are saying. The fact that it's not in your lymph nodes is a godsend. Your ability to beat this and live a normal, cancer-free life went up by a factor of 10 when that news came back.

 

I am, however, a bit puzzled why he doesn't want to excise those additional tumors out of there BEFORE chemo and radiation. That's really puzzling to me and not what I would have expected to hear. Did you ask him why he is recommending systemic treatment and THEN more surgery? Usually they do all surgeries prior to chemo/radiation.

 

And do you know your chemo plan just yet? It may NOT be a year for you. It could be as short as 3-4 months, followed by a month of radiation. Recovery can certainly take several months thereafter for hair growth, fatigue diminishing, etc. But I've seen systemic treatment plans that were done and over with in well under 6 months. Even my wife was done in what.....7-8 months? And that's only because we had to break once during chemo for her to get strong enough for another round. I'm not diminishing the "whole year" comment, but I am your voice of pragmatism here.....sometimes, the worst part of being a cancer patient is making things out to be WORSE than reality. And lets face it...reality already sucks...no sense letting it suck more.

 

So enough with the suckage.....I'm eager to get you started on your systemic treatment! I'd still like to know why he wants to hold off on additional surgery first, but if not....lets go girl! Time to kick the Enemy while it's down! And trust me...a good solid kick of chemo feels pretty damn good when you realize it's there to poison the Enemy and stunt it's growth. With a little luck and your fighting spirit, you could find spring bringing growth of new flowers...and way more than just peach fuzz on your head at the same time!

 

When is your first chemo date? Do you know which treatment plan they have in store for you just yet? Dose-dense is what my wife had if that helps any.