I have breast cancer

[PandorasBox]

I'm just now seeing this post! I'm sorry LB, you're going through this. Huggs to you and your family! You're in my thoughts! Please hang in there!

[dropdeadlegs]

Oh, LB, a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought about everything you are going through.

 

I'm not at all surprised that in your situation you are still concerned with helping others via Locks of Love and your continued posts on threads.

 

Bless you and your support group.

 

Big Hugs, and lots of them.

[DazedandConfused66]

Big, big hugs LB. I know the feelings you have right now very well. All I can tell you is, from experience, the shock will give way to other emotions. Some good, some not so good, but it does turn into something else.

 

My dear, I have a lot of questions I could ask of you, but I know the emotional state you are likely in right now. So I'll withhold them. But please, if you have any fears or questions, post them. I'll contribute whatever information I can. I can honestly state that with almost an identical first-path report for my wife, I know exactly what you are facing and have an enormous amount of empathy for you.

 

But I can't stress this enough: Knowing all the minute details of your diagnosis and pathology results is crucial for YOU to make the best possible decisions about your course of treatments. Don't outsource your treatment to your doctor....yes, they are the experts, but what they want is to kill the cancer and will sometimes recommend treatments that give the highest probability of success regardless of the lifestyle cost. It's their job to fight the cancer with you, but not FOR you. YOU have a choice in this. Success is measured in many different ways and is a very individualized choice. There are options open to you, many in fact. Breast conservation surgery, single-breast masectomy, double masectomy, types of chemo treatments, types of radiation treatments, post-treatment drug therapies, etc. YOU get to make these choices and they are very difficult choices, but I highly suggest a woman of your obvious intellect can make the best choice by having all the facts at her disposal first.

 

Whatever information I can share, I'll be happy to do so. When you are ready, I'm here. Make sure you have friends/family around you right now. You may feel like you want to be alone, but you shouldn't be. And, as is evidenced by all the posts above, you certainly aren't.

 

You have cancer. Those are three very powerful words. But you aren't any less important to this world than you were before you knew that. If anything, you are a miracle in the making and the story you are about to live can have a lasting positive impact on your life and the lives of those who witness it. So add on a few extra words to those 3 to complete the sentence. As in: You have cancer AND you are going to beat it.

 

I'm here for you...let me know if I can help in any way.

[DazedandConfused66]

It's been a few days LB....how are you?

[ookla_2]

Oh...LB...I wish I knew what to say. I'm very proud of the way you seem to be taking the news...with dignity and grace, and looking forward to how you are going to beat this thing...and you ARE going to beat it.

 

You know we are all here...and we all care.

 

(((((HUGS to you))))))

[LucreziaBorgia]

Nothing new really to update. The only thing I know is that my MIL talked to my doctor (they are personal friends, and I gave my Dr. permission to share my medical info with her), and she asked him about the MRI, and he said that it was not standard procedure, that he felt there may be something else going on in the other breast as well. It would not surprise me at this point. At least he is being thorough. The MRI is scheduled for 10/9 and I have surgery scheduled for 10/19. What shows up on the MRI will determine what happens in that surgery.

 

I have finished up my Breast and Cervical Cancer Control Program paperwork, am in the process of buying a townhouse (hopefully to close and be moved in by the time I have my surgery - the agent thinks we can close in as little as two weeks), and am getting my living will together. Then we have to move my stuff out of my apartment, and out of my boyfriend's apartment and cram it all into one place. So much to do in so little time. I need to have this done by the time I go into the hospital - my place is too small for my boyfriend to move in with me, and I am going to need someone with me to help so... whew. Just hoping to get all this done.

 

It still hasn't even sunk in completely yet. I guess I have some time before the hard stuff happens, so it is very easy to slip into denial at this point.

[lindya]

I've got a friend who's dealing with cancer just now, and the denial aspect....well, that's tricky. What exactly is denial in a situation like this? Is it denial if you're not focusing on it every waking minute? If you're not analysing in depth how you feel about it? My friend is determined to have as much normality as possible. He said that it's incredible how precious "normality" suddenly feels....and that maybe hanging onto that sense of normality does require an element of denial some of the time.

 

When medical appointments, medication and preparation for surgery are such big aspects of your life, that you have to fit your normal routine around, I think you have to really welcome those moments where you're getting a break from thinking about the treatment and surgery.

 

I've noticed that you are still giving (the usual excellent) advice here, and I hope you carry on delighting and inspiring people - both on this board and in real life - with your honesty, humour and insight.

 

PS...the new style really suits you. Very cute and elfin.

[tanbark813]

I have nothing insightful to add so I'm just going to agree with all of what lindya just said. You rock, LB. Keep on keepin' on.

[dropdeadlegs]

LB, I would help you move if I could. I am an excellent packer and unpacker! Not an empty space in a box , nor in a U-haul truck. I also have the strength of an ox when necessary.

 

Closing a mortgage loan is entirely possible in two weeks. I hope there are no hitches in your purchase and that your move is smooth!

[LucreziaBorgia]

What exactly is denial in a situation like this? Is it denial if you're not focusing on it every waking minute? If you're not analysing in depth how you feel about it?

 

My friend is determined to have as much normality as possible. He said that it's incredible how precious "normality" suddenly feels....and that maybe hanging onto that sense of normality does require an element of denial some of the time.

 

I guess it can best be summed up for me by example. For instance, I was talking to my boyfriend about Halloween, what I wanted to dress up as, and this really cool (and fairly gruesome) body cavity theme cake that I want to make for my daughters birthday the day after Halloween... and for about a minute or two I was excited, and then it hit me. On Halloween, I'll still be in bed. I'll have drain tubes coming out from my chest and from under my arms. I'll be on painkillers. I won't be getting out of bed, much less dressing up, going trick-or-treating, or baking a birthday cake. There won't be a Halloween for me this year.

 

Same deal for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Me, my boyfriend and my daughter were talking about how yummy a turducken will be this Thanksgiving like the one we had last Thanksgiving. I got all stoked about it, and then had to remind myself that I will be on chemo and radiation by that time. Everything is going to taste like a bag of rancid hot pennies, and I will have a dry mouth laced with sores. I have a problem with cold sores, and those will be kicking too as my immune system shuts down. Not too likely to enjoy that meal after all...

 

You don't really deny that you have it, so much as your mind tends to think in terms of you not having it. Not a willful denial, but a subconscious one. You try to think about it, and your mind drifts to something else. I pick up the pamphlets, magazines, brochures, etc. about it and my eyes glaze over and I pick up Cosmo instead, or flip on the TV.

 

You find yourself thinking like you don't have cancer, and when you try to think of it your mind turns away from it like the wrong ends of magnets repelling each other. You think like you will be doing normal stuff in a few weeks. You have to actually remind yourself that you do have it. That you won't be doing normal stuff in a few weeks. I don't think of it every second of every day, but there are things that you think about where you are forced to think about it when you find your mind NOT thinking about it when you really should be. I think, damn I'm so tired. Why am I so tired? Why do I have this ache in my chest and under my arm? Oh yeah... I HAVE CANCER. I cut my hair early when I didn't have to yet, so that I would have a visual. A reminder.

 

Thinking about the aftermath is hard too. I wonder when they take my ovaries, and my breast(s)? what I will look like. Will I ever feel sexy again? Will I stop having orgasms? Will I feel like a woman, or will I feel sexless when the grey chemo curls start growing out? Stuff like that is so hard to think about. Even when I try, I shudder and flip on the TV. Or go on the internet to see what Perez Hilton is up to, and what he is dishing about. Anything but think about the inevitable. I am part of a breast cancer forum, and I look but find myself unable to look for long. I guess that is a form of denial too.

 

And your friend is right. Normalcy does become precious. Doing normal things takes on a whole new meaning. You can do normal stuff, but there is an undercurrent of sadness and anxiety as well.

[blind_otter]

Just wanted to add my support in your time of need. Be well, LB. I'll send you some positive vibrations.

[lindya]

IThinking about the aftermath is hard too. I wonder when they take my ovaries, and my breast(s)? what I will look like. Will I ever feel sexy again? Will I stop having orgasms? Will I feel like a woman, or will I feel sexless when the grey chemo curls start growing out? Stuff like that is so hard to think about.

 

LB - the surgery isn't going to take away everything that makes you lovely and womanly. You know that....but there's no denying that these are going to be losses and changes that are tough for any woman to contemplate. I know people have talked about reconstructive surgery. That, and counselling to help you manage the changes are probably things you'll be more ready to think about after the surgery, when you have a better idea of what you're dealing with in terms of physical changes.

 

The orgasms? Maybe for a while. Stress and surgery aren't exactly conducive to a high sex drive, and it might take a fair bit of time and support from your bf for you to get back there.

 

And your friend is right. Normalcy does become precious. Doing normal things takes on a whole new meaning. You can do normal stuff, but there is an undercurrent of sadness and anxiety as well.

 

Your avatar speaks to that. Big cyber hugs xx

[DazedandConfused66]

LB, your reactions right now are very understandable and very normal. But I want to assure you that cancer treatment, like life, happens in stages. Will things ever be "normal" again for you? Well that depends on how good you are at defining "normal." The same as it was? No, it won't be. But that's not always a bad thing.

 

For example, you've already noticed how much "normal" things seem precious to you. If I could begin to tell you how much I admire the deep, sparkling blue of my wife's eyes now versus just 3 years ago it would likely choke you with the emotion that swells in my heart. I just never noticed that before. When she lost all her hair, her eyes became a huge focal point for me. I saw so many emotions in there, so much life, saw the sparkle in her eyes when she'd say something witty, I'd see the love she held for me reflected back. I had completely missed this for years. And she would tell you the exact same thing. It's as if you are given a completely new set of eyes to see the world all over again and things become vivid, clearer, little crap that used to bug the stuffings out of you means nothing now and big things you used to take for granted mean the world to you. Same as it once was? Hell no! Better than it was in some respects? Absolutely! Do I wish we could experience what we now do minus the cancer? Not a day goes by I don't wish that. But "normal" is how you learn to define it and I'm willing to wager that YOU will define it in new and wonderful ways.

 

You sould like you are "nesting" right now as well. That's also normal. Just realize that you aren't going to be able to fit 12 months of effort into the next 30 days. And also realize that chemo and radiation, unless you are facing terminal illness (cancer does NOT equal terminal illness in the majority of breast cancer cases anymore), happen one after the other. And you won't likely feel the effects of chemo immediately, other than the hair loss. Oh and by the way, not EVERYONE loses their hair. Most do, but not everyone. I've seen women and men who didn't lose any. That's not the norm, but chemo affects everyone differently.

 

What will happen is a progression over months (depends on your particular treatment cocktail) of going in for chemo, 1-2 days of feeling tired afterwards, then a week of building back up to almost normal strength, followed by another chemo treatment that brings your energy levels down again. This will get more severe towards the END of your cycle of treatment, not the beginning. For the first month of chemo treatment, my wife only experienced the 1-2 days of feeling sapped, followed by a mostly normal lifestyle thereafter until the next treatment. By the 2/3 point (she was on a 5 month treatment), she REALLY found it hard to bounce back. But they have remarkable drugs now...will give you boosters and all kinds of goodies to keep your energy levels and immune system healthy. They want you well to accept the chemo.

 

Then, when chemo was done, she did radiation. 8 weeks of that. Radiation was actually more sapping for her than was chemo, but it was likely because chemo had sapped her already. And again, depending on how things are set up, you may have big or little issues there. Skin irritation and lack of energy are the most common. But with good eating, the good drugs they'll give you and good excercise, you can also get thru that.

 

I guess what I'm saying is do NOT let yourself fall too far down that "victim of cancer" slope and let it beat your happiness in life down to a pulp. Fight it. Get that energy focused on the Enemy and kick it's ass. Make it your personal challenge each day to tell it, mentally, that it doesn't control you, YOU CONTROL IT. I'm serious as a heart attack here....it really, really works.

 

You are entitled to some apprehension. You are entitled to some depression. But don't let those stick around long. You can and will beat this.

 

And as for feeling sexy/attractive.....babe, I have to tell you that it depends on your relationship with your signficant other. My wife and I **** like rabbits, far more now AFTER her diagnosis than we had been prior to be honest. And we do things that would've made her blush (and me as well to be honest) just a few years ago. That's another side effect of having cancer...sex takes on a WHOLE new dimension. I could tell you things about her g-spots (yes, plural, I have since learned via hours of adventure with her body) that would melt the screen. But I will be honest here....your spouse/SO needs to work on that part also. There are several good resources I can recommend for him if you'd like, and they are good reading for you as well. What makes you a woman isn't your boobs and ovaries. Those are just window dressing. What makes you a woman is so many other things. I fell in love with my wife's eyes across a dance floor 24 years ago. Today, even with just a quarter of the hair she used to have, one boob (she'll have recon in a few weeks) and a different shape, I still am in love with the same woman...even more so than I ever thought possible. I desire her like no other. She is the One for me and always will be. Cancer can't take that from me or her. We won't let it. And it can't take it from YOU either.

 

Hang in there.....figure out your treatment schedule. Oh and the MRI thing is semi-standard procedure. They did the same on my wife to ensure the calcifications (which they saw in her other breast) didn't show signs of tumor growth. They also are looking for other markers in the body where the cancer may have spread. Pester the hell out of your doc for info and GREAT JOB on getting a second party involved in your care. Your MIL can ask questions clinically and take notes that your emotions may not let you. You need an advocate for your care and it's great to have help there. Let her...she'll appreciate it that you do most likely. Everyone wants to help....and that includes me.

 

If you'd like to talk to my wife about any of this, she'd be happy to call you. Just ask and I'll put you in touch with her privately. Sometimes talking to someone completely anonymously can be all the difference in the world. I can also likely help you hook up with other women in your area who have experience in this. Talking helps.....but you know this already.

 

Fight it LB. Fight it. Don't give it a foothold in your lifestyle. It has one in your body, but you can keep it from leaving your body and infecting your life. That's my wish for you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't have words to express how awesome it is to have you posting on this thread. I can think of a million things to say in response, and yet can't seem to type out a single one of them. Understand when I say 'thanks', there are a million other words in there behind that word. Your wife is and will be an inspiration to me though this. I am happy that you and she have each other. On a forum where I spend 99 percent of my time on the 'dark' side of love, it is nice in a time like this to be reminded that there is a 'light' side as well.

[DazedandConfused66]

You are most welcome. Just never forget that the day you were diagnosed with cancer, you inherited a new family of worldwide combatants, survivors, supporters, friends, spouses and lovers. We watch out for each other as best we can. Consider my your e-Guardian Cheerleader. And at 6'4" and 225 lbs, I look damn sexy in a short skirt with pom-poms LOL.

 

Want to do something really, really good for yourself right now? Get your SO to take you out on a date to a comedy club or a funny movie or anything that makes you laugh like a hysterical idiot. My wife and I have discovered that laughter has gotten us thru almost every major complication we faced thus far. It's hard to be afraid when you are laughing.

 

Good luck hun. And ask me anything you'd like. I will answer anything you ask directly, truthfully and without any candy coating whatsoever. If you have fears about your sexuality after the treatments, trust me...it scared both of us badly. But as it turns out, with just a little (and I do mean a LITTLE) adaptation, things are better than ever before. I'm dead serious about that and happy to share what I know....there isn't a lot of information about this particular subject out there.

[dropdeadlegs]

Reading today's posts has me a tearful mess, but they are not tears of sadness, but tears of hopefulness and inspiration.

 

LB, your strength is awesome.

 

DazedandConfused66, you should write a book about your experiences. I could read your lovely, thoughtful, inspirational words to no end. Your love story is so profound in that as a couple you have taken what could have been a devastating event and turned it into something beautiful.

 

Thank you both for sharing your stories with me.

[stillafool]

LB I am so sorry about your diagnosis and will definitely add you to my prayer list. Always if you need to talk we are here for you.

[whichwayisup]

Consider my your e-Guardian Cheerleader. And at 6'4" and 225 lbs, I look damn sexy in a short skirt with pom-poms LOL.

 

So, let's see! Put a pic in as your avatar, let's see those legs! lol...Dazed, you are inspirational and your wife, LB and many others are lucky to have you here posting and sharing your experience and wisdom.

 

LB...Hugs...

[DazedandConfused66]

LB, go to Border's or Barnes and Noble and look for a book called "Reconstructing Aphrodite" by Loren Eskanazi. My wife jokingly called this book "porn for breast cancer survivors" because it's a picture portfolio of women who have had reconstructive surgery after breast cancer treatments. There is no airbrushing of any of these models. But you will be, I believe, very pleasantly surprised to see just how feminine and beautiful these women look after recon. There are so many options out there now, and frankly, you'll need to start making some of these decisions pretty soon as if you go the implant route you'll need to be fitted with a tissue expander pretty soon after your masectomy (if that's the surgical treatment you take). Lumpectomies offer even more options. And keep in mind that, while medical coverage plans vary, there is a law on the books that requires all plans to cover reconstruction for ALL women, including breast symmetry for the surviving breast.

 

My point is that this is a fear you can put to rest right now. It's an expensive book so I can't recommend you go buy it, but go look thru it....really amazing stuff and some wonderful stories. And for both my wife and I, it gave us something to look forwards to at the end of her treatment year.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Just wanted to put in my best wishes for you ... This, too, shall pass ...

 

Bobby

[uniqueone]

I wish I had something meaningful to say here but I don't have any experience with this and that's probably what you need the most....those who have been through it and can tell you what to expect and what it's like. Keep us posted on how things go and treat yourself well.

 

Aside from our well-wishing here, realize how lucky you are to be blessed with an SO and a child who will be there for you. Things will get better.

[Havn_a_life]

I myself have to call my own dr to set up an appt. to a gynecologist in the next few weeks. I had my yrly pap and it came back abnormal. Maybe nothing but it's still very scary.

You do think of things you've dealt with that are nothing compared to what's happening now.

All that goes right out the window.

I might be jumping the gun on what's wrong with myself, but my heart and my thoughts and prayers are with you, LB.

I've read many of your posts here and you are a straighforward and decent person, from what i have read.

 

Bless you!

[LucreziaBorgia]

The days just keep on creeping up on me. On Tuesday I have the MRI. That will tell me whether or not is has spread into my chest wall, and whether or not it is in my other breast. I'm not sure what to think, and am not even thinking in terms of hopeful or hopeless. Just another thing to tick off on the list before things get started on the 19th.

 

How ironic it is that I never paid much attention to breast cancer, and I end up getting diagnosed with it right in the middle of breast cancer awareness time. You better believe I pay attention now.

[reboot]

My grandmother had a double mastectomy 30+ years ago. She never let it stop her, and she's still going strong today. Old age will probably get her soon, but the cancer never did.

 

Good luck and all my best wishes to you. You're one classy lady.

[uniqueone]

I myself have to call my own dr to set up an appt. to a gynecologist in the next few weeks. I had my yrly pap and it came back abnormal. Maybe nothing but it's still very scary.

You do think of things you've dealt with that are nothing compared to what's happening now.

All that goes right out the window.

I might be jumping the gun on what's wrong with myself, but my heart and my thoughts and prayers are with you, LB.

I've read many of your posts here and you are a straighforward and decent person, from what i have read.

 

Bless you!

 

 

I went through that with the abnormal pap and I know exactly how you feel. I spent over a year of getting them every few months. At first the paps stayed the same stage but then I had one go a stage lower which was really scary. So they lasered the abnormal cells off. I still had to get paps every few months for a year. Finally all was clear and now I only have to get them yearly again. But I know what it's like to have that fear. I know what it's like to suddenly look at life differently.

 

I don't know it to the degree you're facing it OP, but I've had a small taste of that fear and you realize how unimportant everything else you've been worrying about becomes. You'll hear conversations that other people are having and you'll realize how trivial and stupid that they sound.

 

I was in a store at the time and a mother was arguing with her child over what color pants he should get. The argument went on for 20 minutes. I wanted to scream to the woman: "Let him get what color he wants! What if you find out tomorrow that you have abnormal cells on your test results. Is it going to matter what color pants he has THEN???"

 

It really changes your perspective about things.....at least temporarily anyway.