I have breast cancer

[DazedandConfused66]

Re: MRI letter results

 

That sounds like some very good news LB! I can't wait to hear what your doctor has to say about the results as well.

 

Re: Surgery

 

While it's true that you enter surgery without knowing all the possible outcomes, your doctor really should be able to narrow down some things for you.

 

First off, you will be going in for _either_ a lumpectomy or a masectomy. Your doc should be giving you a recommendation for one or the other at this stage and you really should be told which. The MRI results will indicate to him a lot and coupled with the earlier biopsy, he will know which is his preference. But he won't be able to give you any indication of your margins until after he's excised the tumor. Then it goes to pathology for the test to determine your margins. That test determines if a) the lumpectomy was sufficient or they need to operate a second time (for a masectomy, excise more tissue, etc) -AND- it determines your follow-on treatment when coupled with your lymph node condition. There are many women who only face a lumpectomy and radiation if there is no involvement with the lymph nodes. If cancer cells are present in your lymph nodes, then you become a candidate for systemic treatments such as Chemo and follow-on Tamoxifen.

 

Secondly, based on the MRI results and his manual exam of your collarbone lymph nodes, he will likely make a decision about removing any lymph nodes prior to the surgery. There are actually a couple of different ways he can do this....a sentinel node dissection or an axillary node dissection. If your tumor is less than 2cm in size, many docs will opt just to locate and dissect the sentinel node. They use a dye and some tests (CAT scan I think, not sure about that anymore) to locate your sentinel node first and then make a decision based on that about removal. This is a much less invasive procedure. If the tumor is larger or you have other cancer history, they will likely opt for an axillary dissection. In the axillary dissection, they take as many as 10-20 nodes, including the sentinel node. What's important to understand is that although the doctor can visually SEE some cancer spread in infected (node positive) nodes, he can't see all of it. So you won't really get a full picture until after the excised tissue has been reviewed by pathology....yes, sorry, another wait for that.

 

So in reading your post I want to encourage you to get all the facts you can from your doctor tomorrow. While there are many unknowns in cancer, you should be COMPLETELY in the know about your treatment and surgery. He can and will tell you exactly what to expect when you go in for surgery. But what he can't likely tell you, yet, is whether or not a lumpectomy will be enough if that's an option for you. Typically they start with that and then wait to get the margins back from pathology.

 

Oh and regarding your masectomy options. I know many women who just opt to take both if they discover cancer in one. This is a very normal decision and perfectly understandable, but that is your personal choice. We opted to keep my wife's other breast and one of her reasons for doing so was that she really wanted to maintain nipple sensation in at least one as that is a big part of her sexuality. There were other reasons, but as said, it's a personal choice. What I've read and studied about women who show cancer in only one breast, get a masectomy/lumpectomy and then proceed with treatment is that the recurrence of cancer in the other breast is statistically no greater/less than the recurrence of cancer elsewhere in the body. Basically, if cancer is spreading, it's spreading and can pop up anywhere else including the other breast. So I encourage you to do some serious research here before making the decision to lose your remaining healthy breast. Particularly if you are facing "just" a lumpectomy at this stage.

 

We care deeply about you and any other woman going thru these decisions LB. Please know that. Make sure you are being a royal PITA to your doc right now about demanding facts and knowing exactly what's going on in your treatment. You really shouldn't have that many 'unknowns' at this stage, at least not about what will happen during surgery.

 

I can comment about post-surgery quite a bit once we know whether it's going to be a single/double masectomy plus axillary node dissection. Drains and how to deal with them (that's kinda yucky for most people, and understandably so, but it's not as bad as you might think), lifting things and arm care after an axillary node dissection, etc.

 

Stay strong, fight it, it can't take anything from you that you don't give it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, my doctor went over the results with me today. The MRI showed nothing on the left side, which is good. It did show that the tumor is bigger than was thought, and that there are satellite lesions growing all around the tumor, to a distance of 2mm. One of them is up higher on the chest than the breast area. So, there will not be a lumpectomy. Instead there will be a partial mastectomy, with a 'shifting around' of tissue to fill up the hole.

 

In a week, on the 25th I will find out about the margins of the area to be removed. If the margins are 'clean', I am done. If the margins are 'dirty' then I will go back into surgery, and have a radical mastectomy with a prophylactic mastectomy on the other side.

 

The lymph nodes will be tested as well. If the first few are positive for cancer, then all the rest will come out, and a drain put in. If negative, then no more will come out.

 

A port-a cath will be inserted at the time of surgery.

 

So, surgery Friday and another week of waiting...

[whichwayisup]

I'm so relieved to hear that the MRI results were clean.

 

They'll get it all once in surgery. I know with my neighbour, they took out many of her lymph nodes once under the knife, just to be safe...

 

Thinking of you LB, keep the humour going. (though I know I don't have to tell ya that one.)

[DazedandConfused66]

I'm sitting at the hospital waiting room, my wife's been in her DEIP procedure for almost 5 hours now. Getting a little anxious but I know she's in excellent care. She was excited about this...never thought I'd see my bride be excited about surgery before. All she can talk about is her new boob-in-the-making and getting a flatter tummy.

 

Well, my doctor went over the results with me today. The MRI showed nothing on the left side, which is good. It did show that the tumor is bigger than was thought, and that there are satellite lesions growing all around the tumor, to a distance of 2mm. One of them is up higher on the chest than the breast area. So, there will not be a lumpectomy. Instead there will be a partial mastectomy, with a 'shifting around' of tissue to fill up the hole.

 

That's actually very encouraging news LB. I know it may not sound like it when what you secretly want is to hear the words "we were wrong, there isn't any cancer" but in the scheme of things, that means they are looking at a "garden variety" of IDC that can be handled via conventional treatments.

 

In a week, on the 25th I will find out about the margins of the area to be removed. If the margins are 'clean', I am done. If the margins are 'dirty' then I will go back into surgery, and have a radical mastectomy with a prophylactic mastectomy on the other side.

 

OK, so you have surgery this Friday, the 19th, then they do the path tests to determine margins, then 3-5 days to get those results back and determine if additional surgery is needed. That makes sense. I'm marking my calendar for you LB, I'll be monitoring your progress closely.

 

The lymph nodes will be tested as well. If the first few are positive for cancer, then all the rest will come out, and a drain put in. If negative, then no more will come out.

 

Yes, although it amazes me that they can, the doctor can actually tell from looking at the sentinel node whether or not it contains cancer cells. Several more (not necessarily all) come out thereafter if it is. If it looks clean, being the "sentinel" node or first node that drains your breast, then the chances of there being any more cancer beyond it are slim to none. Oh and I hope you were told that the drain is temporary...it's not a permanent fixture on your body. It's uncomfortable and disturbing, but it comes out within a week to ten days after your surgery.

 

 

A port-a cath will be inserted at the time of surgery.

 

Different language perhaps than what I'm familiar with. Is that the same as a mediport? This is typically surgically implanted just beneath your collarbone as a prelude to chemo therapy. They use this to administer the chemo drugs as they are highly toxic and your veins just can't handle it. But this may be something different. If it is a mediport, then I'm assuming they've already informed you that chemo is certain?

 

My daughters and I did a 5K run/10K walk this weekend together for Breast Cancer. My wife didn't go for the reasons I've mentioned elsewhere...just not good PMA stuff for her all the time. But the girls ran with their mom's name on their shirts. I did likewise, but my wife and I added yours onto my shirt as well. More than a few of my friends asked who "Lucrezia Borgia" was.

 

I just answered "A future survivor."

 

Stay strong LB.

[Kasan]

I'm sitting at the hospital waiting room, my wife's been in her DEIP procedure for almost 5 hours now. Getting a little anxious but I know she's in excellent care. She was excited about this...never thought I'd see my bride be excited about surgery before. All she can talk about is her new boob-in-the-making and getting a flatter tummy.

 

Waiting for a loved one in surgery is always the hardest even if you know they are in excellent care.

 

You, your family, and LB are in my thoughts.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She was excited about this...never thought I'd see my bride be excited about surgery before. All she can talk about is her new boob-in-the-making and getting a flatter tummy.

 

Different language perhaps than what I'm familiar with. Is that the same as a mediport? This is typically surgically implanted just beneath your collarbone as a prelude to chemo therapy. They use this to administer the chemo drugs as they are highly toxic and your veins just can't handle it. But this may be something different. If it is a mediport, then I'm assuming they've already informed you that chemo is certain?

 

I hope your wife's procedure goes well. I don't even know her, but she is in my thoughts. I have this picture in my mind of the both of you, and what you guys have gone through together is inspiring to me.

 

The Port-a Cath is basically the same as the Mediport. My doctor told me today that systemic treatment is a given with this particular case and he was glad I was going with the Port-a Cath. It will make things easier for me. I will have chemo and the radiation as well.

[woodsfield]

i haven't read much of this thread because i felt that i had nothing to add,

but i can say that i wish you and ALL with this illness the best. i will be thinking of you on Friday (and all this week).

 

my chest starting hurting merely by reading your 2nd to last post. i can't even begin to imagine what you are going thru.

 

i hope everything goes well this friday.

[DazedandConfused66]

Thanks everyone for my wife's welfare. She was in surgery about 6 hours yesterday...the DEIP and free-flap procedure is fairly extensive. After a few hours in recovery, they moved her into ICU for observation last night. I spent about an hour with her....I was so relieved to finally be able to touch her again. One thing we really recognize now is the importance of just touching each other. We even downsized our bed just so we would be forced to touch each other more while we sleep lol.

 

She looked beat and bee-stung, but that's because of all the fluids they intentionally pump into you during these types of surgery. I did sneak a peek at her surgery results while the nurses were applying new dressings....omg, she's going to be sooooo happy with the results. She did notice as we fluffed up her pillow a bit last night that her tummy looked flatter even under the sheets. And although she's not yet seen her new breast, she squeezed my hand and told me she could already FEEL that there was weight and pressure there that wasn't before. And she had tears streaming down her face when she told me how much she missed that feeling. My wife was fairly big chested to begin with.....D-cups. Once the surgery and symmetry is complete, she'll have C-cups or thereabouts. They can't reconstruct a D-cup and don't want to with your real tissue as that's just too big. But just to hear her say she could feel pressure and weight made me realize how important this was to HER healing process, to feel as much like a woman again, physically, as possible. I don't care if the new boob ends up being nothing more than making her feel better......that's the single most important thing in the world to me.

 

So I'm off to go spend the day with her....I'll post more from the hospital between breaks and such.

 

LB, thanks for explaining the differences to me between portacath and mediport...sounds the same. They will remove this from you sometime after you finish chemo. And I understand the discomfort that it causes...both physically (my wife's hurt) and emotionally to know you've got it there. This too passes in time, it's temporary. I know that doesn't help now, but it does come back out. The scar it leaves is very small and my wife's is fading quickly. She'd touch it up with makeup now and then when she would wear a lower-cut neckline.

 

The drains installed after surgery (or singular...usually just one for a masectomy, unsure about lumpectomy) were and remain my wifes biggest issues with the procedure. It just plain grosses her out. She has three right now, one in each hip and one up by her new breast. I'm not squeamish and so I took the responsibility for draining them and recording the drain amounts (they'll make you log it). She just closed her eyes or watched TV while I did it. But she couldn't WAIT to get rid of those things. They just freaked her out. Perfectly understandable. But again, they do come out in time.

 

The most important thing you can do right now is ensure you've got a cushy, soft "nest" to come home to after your surgery. Some place quiet and with easy access to a restroom. You'll need to rest to recover. And you'll need to rest your arm if they remove lymph nodes...that discomfort was actually worse than the masectomy for my wife. You don't realize how much you use your arms until you can't use them as much for a few weeks.

 

What time is your surgery scheduled for Friday LB?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. My wife was fairly big chested to begin with.....D-cups. Once the surgery and symmetry is complete, she'll have C-cups or thereabouts. They can't reconstruct a D-cup and don't want to with your real tissue as that's just too big.

 

2. It just plain grosses her out. They just freaked her out.

 

3. The most important thing you can do right now is ensure you've got a cushy, soft "nest" to come home to after your surgery. Some place quiet and with easy access to a restroom.

 

4. What time is your surgery scheduled for Friday LB?

 

1. I am glad to hear the surgery went well! I can totally see the whole 'flat tummy and smaller breasts' thing - because I am a double D on my cancer side, and a D on the other and I have a tiny roll on my tummy that I would love to get rid of. Unfortunately I have a very large tattoo on my tummy that would disappear along with the one on my right breast which will disappear as well. It is a strange thought when it comes to losing tattoos along with the skin. It almost makes it seem more like a tangible loss. I am sad about losing the one on my right breast (it is located directly over the tumor), but not overly sad. Its just skin with a picture on it, after all. If my margins are clean, I won't have the option of that. If my margins are not clean, then I may consider that tram flap thing after the bilat mastectomy, or maybe implants and go with two smaller ones. Or... I may just go with the 'no boob' look. I have a couple of weeks to think about it while I'm waiting for the margin report.

 

2. The whole drain thing grosses me out too. I have such morbid thoughts - like, what color it will be, what consistency, will it smell, stuff like that. Luckily it does not gross out the people who are going to be helping me. I expect I'll take the 'grin and bear it with eyes closed' approach myself. I can feel my throat closing up even now thinking about it. If you don't mind me asking - what are the drains in your wife's hips for? Are they something they put in when they do the operation she just had?

 

3. Yes, I will have a very comfy room for me. My ex is setting up one of his spare rooms for me to recuperate in. My apartment is too small, and a deathtrap, and my boyfriend and I are getting a new, bigger place - but not in time for the surgery, unfortunately. His place is over an hour away, and my current place will not hold his stuff and mine. So, the ex offered me the spare room to convalesce. That way we can both be around our daughter, and I can see her more easily from there than having to do the 'back and forth' of going between places. When the new place is set up and things moved in properly, I'll go there. Until then, I am fortunate to have a place to go to.

 

4. I have to be there at 8:30 for the dye injections and the anesthesia. They will commence to cuttin' at 9:30. Should be done by noon, and ready to go at dinnertime (barring anything that would need an overnight stay to fix).

[DazedandConfused66]

1. I have a couple of weeks to think about it while I'm waiting for the margin report.

 

You definitely have some time to consider your various reconstruction options. The exception here is typically implants, as they want to implant "expanders" ASAP and often prior to radiation. Radiation tightens/hardens the skin (it's mostly temporary) and they typically want the expanders in there prior to keep things "stretched" to accept the final implants. But for any other procedure, you've got plenty of time.

 

I can empathize with the loss of the body art. In fact, I know a few other women who lost their artwork and it had been placed there originally as a tribute to some other life circumstances. You may not know this, but in most reconstructions, the aureola is tattooed back on if you choose to do a complete visual reproduction. I saw one woman (I'm not making this up!) who hired a very talented artist to tattoo a special phrase in very, very small text using red inks around her reconstructed nipple. This gives the visual illusion of a regular aureola from a distance. But if you get close, you can see it's actually writing for an inspirational phrase. Pretty amazing creativity. I _think_ you can tattoo any part of the reconstructed breast you want, so take some pictures and then get it redone later if you go the reconstruction route.

 

2. The whole drain thing grosses me out too. I have such morbid thoughts - like, what color it will be, what consistency, will it smell, stuff like that.

Very natural thoughts, indeed, but really not that founded. The liquid is mostly blood for the first few days, or watery-blood. The body is mostly water anyways. But then it starts to turn pinkish and finally almost clear before they take the drain(s) out. Again, typically just one. Depending on how much tissue they remove, you may have more. My wife had one. And it doesn't smell, although I can't really say I stuck my nose down in there LOL. No scent though...you just take the bulb off the hose, squeeze it out into a small cup they give you, measure and log the amount and coloration, then wait for it to fill again...you just pour out the contents down the drain. It's really not that bad....but I perfectly understand the whole feeling of having a drain coming out of you.

 

The hip drains my wife has today are from the surgery yesterday. When they do a flap procedure, they give you a huge tummy tuck....same principle as the masectomy, however. If you lose body tissue, the fluids still keep pumping until the body accomodates for the missing tissue. So she's one on both sides of her hips in addition to one at her breast now. You won't have that for this part of your procedure...just the one most likely.

 

3. Yes, I will have a very comfy room for me.

Great news! Stock up on soft fluffy pillows. Maybe someone who wants to buy you something can go grab you one of those full-length "body pillows" from Linens and Things. We bought two and my wife loved the additional support and comfort they offered. It also helped to keep a "barrier" around her for when my 3-year-old would come bounding into the room. But really, just having extra pillows to surround yourself is a huge help.

 

I have to be there at 8:30 for the dye injections and the anesthesia. They will commence to cuttin' at 9:30. Should be done by noon, and ready to go at dinnertime (barring anything that would need an overnight stay to fix).

We will be thinking about you every minute while you are in there. I'm thankful you are having this on a Friday....gives you the weekend to recuperate. That helps a ton. Be strong LB.....this is a huge step.

[Fun2BMe]

I just saw this thread and am sorry to hear about the diagnosis. My problems suddenly seem so trivial and unimportant after all. I hope your surgery goes well and you recover completely...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Fun, your problems are very important and certainly not trivial. I think that if any one of us could go to where you are and find a way out for you, we'd do it. People here care about you, and care about what happens to you. Some of us sound angry but I assure you that focus of that is not on you, rather what happens to you.

 

As for the surgery. I am terrified actually. My ex came over yesterday morning to sit with me, and to see how I am doing. I broke. Crying, raging, incoherent accusations against G_d, speculation on who would be next, and so on. It was ugly, but it sure felt good to get it out.

 

Today is my last "normal" day for a long time. It is a strange feeling.

[Kasan]

I hope that you have something wonderful planned today....that you can think back on, smile, and draw strength from.

 

You will be in my thoughts tomorrow.

[woodsfield]

Today is my last "normal" day for a long time. It is a strange feeling.

 

enjoy it the best you can. i can't imagine what you must be feeling and thinking.

 

like fun, i feel that my issues are sooo minute in comparison. i hope everything goes as good as it can tomorrow. you will be in my thoughts.

[RecordProducer]

I just saw this thread and my heart sank. I am so sorry, sweetheart. Everything will be OK. I promise. I feel it. You have stamina that not too many of us have. You have your daughter and other people who love you. You are smart and you will do what it takes to heal.

 

I know it cannot compare, but I have found that when I grieve, it helps me when I simply ignore the problem. Some thought will re-appear over and over again, but clearing the mind temporarily helps. Not that you can clear it completely. Perhaps it would help you to read a good book or something comic and easy? I don't know how it feels in your situation; as you said, it's not like a divorce.

 

I read an article about a 26-year old girl who had her breasts removed and put implants (I think immediately afterward). Her new boobs looked fantastic: totally natural, big, and sexy. They have sophisticated methods, they use fat from your belly or butt to soften the sillicone mass; they tattoo an areola and make a nice nipple. OK, I am sure you already know that very well. I am telling you this because I know you fear it and I think you should only be happy to be alive.

 

I know a woman who had a double mastectomy about a month ago. She is not in pain anymore, I just talked to the cousin who was helping her every day. It was uncomfortable after the surgery though, she needed help. Now she is in chemo. And you don't have to go through this now, thank God.

 

I wouldn't worry about my hair one bit. Buy wigs and change them every time you go out if it bothers you.

 

Please take this one step at a time, don't be frightened, you will be fine. I know so many people who have survived cancer. Usually old people die of it. Just pretend that you're strong and don't despair. It's great that you have your daughter - she will give you strength. I am sorry, I don't know what to say to make you feel better. You probably searched for some books that help you cope with this emotionally.

 

As you said, all the other problems disappeared and now you have everyone's attention. Look at it from the bright side. We're here for you, post as much as you want, we'll hear you, feel for you, and respond every time. We'll pray for you, too.

 

Big hug.

[DazedandConfused66]

As for the surgery. I am terrified actually. My ex came over yesterday morning to sit with me, and to see how I am doing. I broke. Crying, raging, incoherent accusations against G_d, speculation on who would be next, and so on. It was ugly, but it sure felt good to get it out.

 

Oh hun, I can so relate to that. Rage and anger are such a part of this process. You just feel like if you COULD go postal without actually hurting anyone, you WOULD. Thankfully, you've got someone there who will give you the ability to rant and rage in safety. I've never been that religious myself, although I am spiritual. My wife's story, ever since I've met her, has had several low points that have always brought me to the "why her?" question. She was physically abused as a child, mom went into a mental institution when she was 12, father an alcoholic (he's in a home now, killed off his liver and pancreas from drinking), sister committed suicide on our wedding day, we lost our first child to SIDS, 3 healthy but extremely difficult childbirths since.....it's so difficult sometimes to comprehend that my wife has cancer ON TOP of all the rest of the garbage thrown at her. I get so angry I just want to rip off someone's head, find anyone to blame....even God if I thought God was to blame.

 

But I don't. And the reason I don't is because SHE doesn't. She gets angry and sad on occasion. I remember making love to her "for the last time as a whole woman" (her words, not mine) a few days before her surgery when she knew she wouldn't be able to feel anything on her chest anymore. She began weeping shortly after we started, which got me doing the same. Then she smiled up at me and said "OK, got that out of the way....now, lets do it for real this time," and it was as if she had a grip on the cancer. We both swore to each other at that time to NEVER let it get outside of her body and into our lives, our childrens' lives or our family's lives. That moment will forever be etched in my mind as a defining turning point. That's when we knew we had a plan to fight it.

 

Anger and rage are understandable and expected. But remember....the thing to get angry at is the Enemy. Not God, not your family history, not your friends, not choices you've made (Oh trust me...I know all about the blame self for past decisions thing....to this day my wife refuses to use deodorants with Aluminum in them as she's convinced SHE gave herself cancer from using them), not anything ELSE BUT THE DAMN CANCER.

 

But guess what LB? By about this time tomorrow, the docs will start to KILL the Enemy. They are going in and cutting it out of your body, removing the damn parasite and taking away ITS life. It may fight back. It may try to spread itself. That's certainly a possibility. But that's why you are going to FIGHT it back with systematic treatments. From this day forward, you are going to direct your anger towards the cells in your body that the Enemy is trying to claim for itself. It will NOT be easy....but it IS a victory that is won by many.

 

I've never really cared for the phrase "Cancer Survivor," although I find myself using it sometimes. Being a "survivor," as Riobikini posted in a different thread, has it's own meaning. It means you met adversity, passed on by it and dealt with whatever was thrown at you. I actually prefer the phrase "Victor" to survivor. It expresses what I feel in the deepest recesses of my soul.....to beat cancer is to be a Victor. To survive it is to acknowledge that it DID something to you, TOOK something from you. While factually that may be true, it is NOT spiritually accurate. You will be victorious. You will emerge from this with a strength and passion that will only make your presence here, and in the lives of others, more dramatic, telling and yes, even more effective than ever before. That's victory LB. That's about taking the power that the Enemy tries to use to destroy your will and turning it against itself instead.

 

You have a purpose in this life, your presence here is proof of this. This battle you are and will be waging also has a purpose. You may not know it yet, but it does. Bad things happen to bad people all the time and nobody ever notices because bad people have no purpose. But YOU are a good person. When bad things happen to good people, others notice. It's a challenge to others who will watch your response and eventual recovery and recognize "Wow, that's some serious strength right there." This doesn't make what you have to battle any easier, I know this. But this knowledge has given my wife the conviction that she will beat this, she will emerge victorious. And, I believe, so will you.

 

This isn't your last "normal" day LB. This is the day you begin a new chapter in your life. And, just seeing how big of a change you've made up to this point in the lives of others, I suspect this is the beginning of a tremendously powerful chapter. Will it change you? I'm sure of that. Will it make "normal" seem like a loss to you? Possibly....but I have a very strong conviction that, given time, you'll see that "normal" is a dynamic concept. Somewhat like a clock. Yes, it tells time. You get used to certain times on the clock representing certain normative behaviors. But then you jump a plane and fly halfway around the world and, for awhile, you are all out of whack. Things don't seem normal at all...your body even revolts. But then, slowly, you acclimate and suddenly, while things are different, they begin to feel normal again.

 

Cancer is like switching timezones. Things are different. But they will return to a new state of "normal"' for you. In time. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I've seen it already with my own wife. I will witness it again with you.

 

I'll be thinking about you non-stop during tomorrow morning. If I may ask, what timezone are you in so I can synch up my karma machine accordingly?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Dazed, you and your wife are amazing. I have gone back and re-read this thread many times. All the support and kindness from everyone here is so helpful to me. Do you and your wife speak to others and help them where you are? You and she are a great inspiration here, and I expect you would help lots of other women and their families cope as well.

 

Time zone? I am on the US east coast, so in less than 24 hours from now I'll be about halfway through the process.

 

I am relieved that it will be starting finally but feel at the same time. I will feel much better when the 25th rolls around and I get some word on the margins and whether or not I'll have to go back into surgery.

[curiousnycgirl]

LB you have been an inspiration for so many here - I just want you to know that I will be among the many wishing good thoughts for you tomorrow and throughout this ordeal.

[Havn_a_life]

Fun, your problems are very important and certainly not trivial. I think that if any one of us could go to where you are and find a way out for you, we'd do it. People here care about you, and care about what happens to you. Some of us sound angry but I assure you that focus of that is not on you, rather what happens to you.

 

As for the surgery. I am terrified actually. My ex came over yesterday morning to sit with me, and to see how I am doing. I broke. Crying, raging, incoherent accusations against G_d, speculation on who would be next, and so on. It was ugly, but it sure felt good to get it out.

 

Today is my last "normal" day for a long time. It is a strange feeling.

 

LB, it is understandable to rage against God. Our own children sometimes do that to us in certain situations. How do we look at them? We forgive them because we understand. Love helps us feel that way toward them.

God loves you and will be right there for you.

I am praying for you to keep the strength for tomorrow.

 

If He brings you to it. He will bring you through it. He certainly won't give you more than you can handle. I feel this with al my heart.

 

We are all praying for you and thinking of you. Good thoughts come your way.

Bless you and your family.

 

Hebrews 4:16

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need

 

1John 5:14-15

And this is the confidence that we have in Him, that, if we ask any thing according to His will, He heareth us: And if we know that He hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that wehave the petitions that we desired of Him.

[whichwayisup]

LB, do you have anyone who can post for you that you keep intouch with off of LS, or a friend that knows you post on LS? Just incase you aren't up to posting for afew days after tomorrow, atleast that way we'll know everything went okay...

 

Or pass on an email address to your boyfriend or exH?

 

Thinking of you and I'm giving you all my strength and my positive thoughts.

 

xo

[LucreziaBorgia]

Its funny you mentioned that! I was over at the ex's place this morning and we were discussing what to do should something go wrong in surgery (we are still legally married, but separated and in my state he is still considered the person to go to in terms of my death preparations) - that he can log onto my computer, find my forums and let them know. I have been a board admin for this one large scale gaming forum for more than five years, so they will have to know and of course, LoveShack is on the list as well. He'll also put something up on my MySpace as well.

 

I don't think that will happen, but in case it does he knows where to post.

 

I will probably be on here late in the evening tomorrow stoned out of my gourd on painkillers, feeling no pain and posting an update on how it went. My MIL tells me that I should be good to go with being up and around the townhouse a little bit tomorrow night.

[marlena]

Good Luck, LB!

 

You will be on everyone's mind and prayers!

[coco_milkshake]

Good luck LB. I will be thinking of you. Here is a bunny for your courage.

[JamesM]

I hope all goes well. You will be on my mind.

[whichwayisup]

Its funny you mentioned that! I was over at the ex's place this morning and we were discussing what to do should something go wrong in surgery (we are still legally married, but separated and in my state he is still considered the person to go to in terms of my death preparations) - that he can log onto my computer, find my forums and let them know. I have been a board admin for this one large scale gaming forum for more than five years, so they will have to know and of course, LoveShack is on the list as well. He'll also put something up on my MySpace as well.

 

I don't think that will happen, but in case it does he knows where to post.

 

I will probably be on here late in the evening tomorrow stoned out of my gourd on painkillers, feeling no pain and posting an update on how it went. My MIL tells me that I should be good to go with being up and around the townhouse a little bit tomorrow night.

 

Sorry that I made your mind 'go there'...But, I guess it is something that has to be thought about, even though when I replied, that stuff wasn't in my head, I was actually meaning just an update on how the surgery went as I wasn't sure how you'd be feeling afterwards and up to posting. I hope you do post and you are high as a kite!