I have breast cancer

[marlena]

LB,

 

I was drinking myself to oblivion after a five year relationship with someone who I deeply loved ended. I thought I would surely die and leave my then 19 year old daughter devastated that her mother who she so dearly loved and clung to for support and advice was stupid enough to die over a man and put him above her.

 

 

Then two months later, disaster struck.. My father had a massive stroke and my mother went got very ill as well. In one day, I did a 360. Never had another drink and hardly ever thought about the man that shattered my heart and soul. I was to busy looking after two very old, very ill parents whom I dearly loved and owed so much to. Unfortunately, 4 months later my mother passed away and three months after that my father followed.

 

Now why did I do that? Why did I dump the bottle and my thoughts of him. Because I HAD TO like LAdyJane said.

 

Your situation is similar. You "have- to" for your sake and your child's as well. You don't have the luxury to brood over your heart. Ok, well, maybe a little. You "have- to" get better. Someone needs you more than your boyfriend right now.

[dropdeadlegs]

If you write it, I will buy it!

Me, too!

 

So what if you begged for crumbs when you were at your lowest ebb? I've done it...I bet a load of other people here have done it. Doing that in a time of crisis doesn't define who you are - it just makes you a human being in pain.

I've surely been there. More than once.

 

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said, LB. I sure do feel for you. Keep up your blog, it might be very useful in writing that book. Writing it could be cathartic, and with clever investing, could turn around your financial future.

[DazedandConfused66]

I am a low income single mother approaching forty. Now I am a low income single mother pushing forty who is undergoing cancer treatments for a year. I was undatable before. Now I am untouchable. People will not be able to even look at me in the grocery store without looking away embarrassed. I will look sick, people will see that I look sick, and no man - unless he likes hanging around the chemo ward to pick up chicks is going to look at me, period.

 

 

OK, I've been preoccupied with my wife for the past several days and haven't been checking in on you as much as I should have. I think it's time for some tough love. You may end up blocking me after all of this but here goes.

 

You ARE who you WERE 3 months ago LB. The cancer was there 3 months ago. Ignorance was NOT bliss. Had this continued unchecked you'd be ignorant of it until it got into your lymph nodes and you ended up with cancer throughout your body, possibly with a terminal diagnosis. It was caught IN TIME. You ARE who you WERE...just no longer ignorant of what was and is going on with your body.

 

NO MAN will look at you huh? Why do you believe that? Is it because you believe NO MAN exists on this planet that has compassion, understanding and a giving heart? Is it because your most recent man ended up going down that path? LB, I assure you, I am one of those men who falls in love with a woman for who she is, not her breasts. I love my wife more now than ever before. She will not read this particular post (I hope) but she was horribly disfigured after her masectomy. It looked awful. But you know what, dressed and with a prosthetic in place, NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY knew anything was amiss. She could have stayed like that for the rest of her life and once her hair grew back, nobody would ever know but me.

 

And unless you are talking about the kind of relationship where you go out, meet a new guy on the street and the two of you hop into bed that very night without talking, there's no reason a man can't find you attractive, desireable and sexually appealing. EVEN without your boob or boobs. You can wear all sorts of bedroom attire to deal with this.

 

THIS is what I've been warning you about. THIS is what will and does hurt breast cancer patients the most. The fact that they let the ENEMY get a foothold in their lifestyle and beging growing the cancer outside of their bodies. They let it worm it's way into confidence, relationships, attitudes and general day-to-day life happenings. You CANNOT let this happen LB. Cancer has no RIGHT to do that. You give it power it doesn't have.

 

Your bf dumped you at an extremely inappropriate time. That's ****. I've seen that happen before with my own support circles. I've watched 20-year marriages dissolve over this. Weak people cause that. No velvet gloves here....he was weak and couldn't support your needs more than his for awhile and THAT is what makes for a lifelong partnership. Let him go....you deserve and CAN have better.

 

And you know what? You just insulted me. You insulted every husband, every wife, every partner, every parent, every child and every human being on the face of this planet who loves a cancer patient. We don't look on them with pity. We look on them with awe and respect and, in my particular case, undying adoration. We love our cancer patients. I personally DESPISE the cancer. But it was there, in genetic form, with my wife when I met her 20 years ago. To say that the millions of spouses and lovers of breast cancer patients can't bear to look at the love of our lives is nothing more than self-pity on your part. Are you entitled to think this? As part of your grieving process, I expect it. But the preponderance of evidence that exists in the world, the outpouring of love and support and yes even SEXUAL love that exists in my life and in the lives of those I support is staggering. Sex is sooooo much better minus that one breast one. The new one is scarred, will always be, but I didn't care if was there or not. Sex took on a new meaning to both of us afterwards. Yes, we survived the interruption of cancer in our lives but more importantly, I'm not alone. I have tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of other people before and around me who go thru this all the time. And each and every one of US have proven your beliefs to be OUTRIGHT WRONG. WRONG LB. The only place that belief exists of being ugly and unwanted is in your freakin head.

 

The way I see it, my love life is over. I might find someone who will f*ck me every now and again, but no one is ever going to want me for keeps. People will say, 'oh, you'll find someone' - but you know what? That doesn't always happen, and its especially not likely to happen in my case. Why would any man want me, when there are younger, healthier, more attractive, and less baggage women out there?

 

Because you offer something more than your boob to a man maybe? Your life, your contributions, are not wrapped up in your mammary glands. And guess what...I don't care if you had cancer or not. There may ALWAYS be younger more attractive women out there. That's part of aging. But men age too and we aren't all sexually attracted to the teeny-bopper and co-ed crowd. I've got daughters of my own and frankly can't stomach looking at younger women anymore....it makes me far too aware that my teenagers are now getting looked at like that as well and it makes my parental drive kick into overdrive. Love is, to use the cliche, more than something you see. It's something you feel. And that can happen at any age and with any condition.

 

I can see becoming this way over time and having a man want to stay with me regardless, but what man is going to walk into this? No one. I don't even know if I would trust any man who would. I would assume if he is after me, he was rejected by every other available woman, and I would be a last ditch effort in an attempt to get himself laid.

 

If you can see that much, then you have it in you to see the opposite. Do you know that one of the strongest attractions for a man is the "damsel in distress" syndrome? We love to be a hero. Absolutely love hero worship. Do you realize how many men would give their eye teeth to feel that from a woman, the respect and adoration that comes with knowing we really could be your personal knight in shining armor? Oh the feminists out there will say that that's just appealing to a man's sense of dominance and control. But guess what? Men have needs also. We do! And if these needs aren't met, we can't function as men. You could be even MORE attractive to a man who has this need and has lived his life thus far feeling rejected by other women who don't want to "need" anyone.

 

I'm no love counselor so I can't help with some of this. But I know MANY women who have contracted cancer and ended up finding true love afterwards. This isn't the stuff of myths...this is reality. It can be your reality as well...but if you get into this self-loathing binge, I guarantee you that the only men who will want you are those who want women who hate themselves.

 

Men aren't as 2-dimensional as women paint us to be. It's not all about the body. It's about your sense of humor. Your outlook on life. Your sense of poise. Your sense of confidence. Your sense of virtue. Your sense of nurturing. It's the whole package or just parts of it.

 

But hey...if all you wanted is a man who was interested in your body, I can understand your POV. But as you aged....what would happen to that man anyways?

 

Rationally, I can understand that this is just a rant. A frustrated rant. An angry rant. One that made me cry while typing it. So, see it for what it is.

 

I understand it also. So you are getting my anti-rant. And both barrels of it.

 

This is what cancer does to you.

 

Correction: This is what cancer CAN do to you if you let it. It can take part of your body and all of your soul and joy and optimism. But only if you let it.

 

This is what getting dumped when you have cancer does to you.

 

I wont argue this single point with you. You have been given a nasty beating from the unfair stick. You didn't deserve nor need any of this, and the breakup is just....too much. I understand that. I hope you'll forgive my tough love if it sounds insensitive, but I have great empathy for your situation and can't imagine the pain the breakup added to all of this.

 

Will my life turn out so horribly? I don't know. Maybe not. But right now, my mind is trapped in these black thoughts. The only thing keeping me from checking out right now is my daughter. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't abandon her in any way. I wouldn't do it for a man. I won't do it for cancer and heartbreak, either.

 

You need to get into a support group. YESTERDAY. You need to be hanging around people with the wisdom and knowledge and skills to help you cope thru this disease. It's incredibly devastating and far more than most people will EVER face in their lives. The only people that can truly help are those that have faced and conquered it. There are literally thousands of support groups all over the nation and globe for this....please, find one and join it. You need it and will need it in the months to come. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. You need it. We all do from time to time. As much as some of us can and will help virtually, you need PHYSICAL help and that's where the support groups excel.

 

Who knows....it's not a bad place to find single guys hanging out in chemo labs either. Some of those docs are pretty cute according to my wife....why do you think I sat with her during each and every session? ;-)

 

Be strong LB. That's all I can tell you. It's hard to be when the world is taking a giant dump on you. But the only way to combat that is to quit standing still so it can bury you. Get a group....you need the physical support.

[LucreziaBorgia]

D&C, that is exactly what I needed to hear today. Those were some hard words, but some honest ones. You remind me a lot of my xH, who still loves me but is not above some tough loving. He gave it to me with both barrels too yesterday and today. He felt bad, but I told him that if I didn't have someone to do that, how could I ever hope to make my situation better?

 

He, like you are holding up a mirror and forcing me to look into it so that I see what is really there, not what my fears and my heartbreak are making me think I see.

 

I have an appointment today with one of my doctors. Not the surgeon, or the oncologist but the original doctor I went to who first examined me. She was the one who put me on the Xanax. She made it clear that she wanted me to come in today, and I am fairly certain its not about a follow up. Its about my mental state, and her concern for it. I think that she will probably set me up with someone who can help me.

 

Because G_d knows I need it.

 

D&C, I can only hope that I find someone like you one day - and the relationship you have with your wife is one that I aspire to. I'm aware it isn't always roses and daisies and that there have been some hard times, but when it comes down to the really hard times you man up like few men I have ever known. Not only that, but you help others too. I admire that.

[amaysngrace]

LB...I have been reading up on you regularly and I just wanted you to know that you're in my heart and in my thoughts.

 

I'm not very good at knowing the right thing to say when it comes to cancer because it hits too close to home for me.

 

But I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. XO

[DazedandConfused66]

D&C, that is exactly what I needed to hear today. Those were some hard words, but some honest ones. You remind me a lot of my xH, who still loves me but is not above some tough loving. He gave it to me with both barrels too yesterday and today.

 

My dear, I've been hitting the "refresh" button on my browser for the past hour, worried that my words may have sounded insensitive or caused you further distress. But I'm glad you accept them for what they are....words of encouragement.

 

I want you to be OK. You CAN be OK. You, likely more so than my wife and I, have a unique gift of being able to give words of encouragement to others when they need to hear it the most. Sometimes, people like you face great physical and/or emotional adversity in their lives. Often times that is what HONES your skill in being able to advise others and help them cope with their own ordeals.

 

And often times, for whatever karmic purpose that may exist, people like you already gifted with the power of emotional healing receive a nasty physical blow that would topple a mere mortal.

 

But you survive that also. Why? I'm not entirely sure. It's part of the age-old "why do bad things happen to good people argument." But I've little doubt that you are different from everyone else you meet in support groups AND are afflicted with breast cancer AND just got dumped AND are here posting and sharing because this, too, is part of your spiritual makeup and honing that will allow you to help someone else.

 

I agree with the others....consider writing a book. Journaling, at the very least, should be part of your therapy. My wife journaled and so did I....powerful stuff. I have never cried more as a man in my entire life than I have in the past year. I've got journal pages that I can look back at now and see tear stains on them and they don't make me ashamed for crying, they make me aware of the emotions that I as just the spouse of a cancer patient endure. I have no physical way of knowing your feelings any more than those of my wife. But I know they are at least 100X more intense than my own...and mine made a grown man cry.

 

Write your thoughts. Write your story. Write it as an inspiration to others. Only you have the unique gifts and experiences to heal a certain individual out there or many such individuals. I said earlier in this thread that your battle plan will serve as an inspiration to others....and I meant it.

 

You have a gift LB. This can contribute to that gift or detract from it. I think it can contribute in ways that neither of us can quite comprehend.

 

 

Listen to your doc/friend. She sounds like a wonderful practitioner. I had to deal with a bit of depression myself and my wife REALLY struggled with it at first. It got better with time and a little medication. After awhile, neither of us needed the meds anymore, but don't be afraid to get help.

 

I am proud of you. I mean that sincerely. Very, very proud of you. Few people will leave a lasting impression on the cancer community the way you will be capable of after this.

[Fun2BMe]

I cringed reading that you called your ex, only to hear how upbeat he was. Then you emiail and texted him too!! saying you wish you had one more night, blah blah blah. You HAVE TO do NC ASAP even though you obviously are still in love wtih him, or else you wiill be torturing yourself!!! Why hear that he is doing just fine without you? He is not the nicest man in the world and you are right he is doing to you what his ex did to him. Do you want 4 years of heartache too? Let him feel like sh** so you feel a little better, instead of catering to his whimpy cruel unloving decision to abandon you guilt-free.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thank you, Fun - I do see what you are saying and you are right. Talking to him is like jabbing a fork in my eye and expecting it to feel good.

 

I just got back from my doctor. I explained what was going on since she saw me last. The last I spoke to her was a month ago when she was calling me about the mammogram results. So much has changed since then. A biopsy, a cancer diagnosis, surgery, finding more cancer, getting dumped, chemo coming up, more surgery, radiation...

 

She put me on Lexapro. I have taken ad's before, but not this one. She said it will work in a couple of weeks and that I should be feeling a lift from it by the time chemo starts. I asked her if it interacted with the chemo, and she chuckled a bit and said that a good deal of people going through chemo are on ad's. I have read that it affects your libido. Its not like I'm going to need that anyway.

[JamesM]

.

 

She put me on Lexapro. I have taken ad's before, but not this one. She said it will work in a couple of weeks and that I should be feeling a lift from it by the time chemo starts. I asked her if it interacted with the chemo, and she chuckled a bit and said that a good deal of people going through chemo are on ad's. I have read that it affects your libido. Its not like I'm going to need that anyway.

 

LB, I have been following your thread. I feel for all that you have gone through. And what a jerk of a guy...I too think he may have left partly because he cannot handle this illness.

 

As for Lexapro, My wife has used this ad quite a bit. It has been helpful for her depression when she had it. It did kill her libido, but then I am not sure that she has much without it. Others who have taken it have not had such a problem. One thing she has said is that it can give you weird feelings in your head. This is normal and not necessarily a problem. Otherwise, she has liked this ad more than most. I believe that you will find it helpful. Be certain that if you quite that you do it gradually...or else you DO have side effects.

 

You are on my mind, and I read your thread every day...as many here do, I think.

 

You may have said, but have you joined a support group of women with breast cancer and survivors?

[JamesM]

double post

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may have said, but have you joined a support group of women with breast cancer and survivors?

 

The only people I have talked to have all been much older grandmotherly ladies who are caring and compassionate, and they call me from time to time to check up on me. I am one of the youngest, if not THE youngest patient that my doctor has right now. There is one younger guy there who has breast cancer too. I know if I feel out of place, he really does! I haven't had a chance to talk to him. Only seen him in the office waiting room a couple of times.

 

There are some groups here in my town, but none for women my age. I will eventually check on of those out when I start in on the chemo and really start needing to hear from other people with this.

 

Right now I am in denial land. Outside of a sore underarm, I still don't feel any different and it is all too easy to just wander around my apartment with my emotions and mental state glazed over and not quite making it to reality. I am still getting used to the idea that I have cancer. I guess it would be like an alcoholic who knows they have a problem and admit it, but haven't quite made it to any AA meetings yet.

 

Being dumped has taken the focus off of my health (or lack thereof) and it is all too easy to simply procrastinate when it comes to seeking out support for this.

[norajane]

There is a grrrl out there who has a blog - Google Cancer Grrrl. I'm sure your circumstances are not exactly the same, but perhaps your sensibilities might be.

 

I don't think you're as alone as you think; your sources of support may not be the traditional ones you'd find in your particular community.

 

Being dumped has taken the focus off of my health (or lack thereof) and it is all too easy to simply procrastinate when it comes to seeking out support for this.

 

Hearbreak...disease...they do have their similarities, don't they? You hurt like hell in the midst, and you pray like hell for the worst of the pain to be over, and you wish like hell you were well into the recovery part, while you hate like hell that you have to even go through any of it.

 

You have a lot of living to do, babe. I have no doubt of that.

[carrotgirl]

The only people I have talked to have all been much older grandmotherly ladies who are caring and compassionate, and they call me from time to time to check up on me. I am one of the youngest, if not THE youngest patient that my doctor has right now. There is one younger guy there who has breast cancer too. I know if I feel out of place, he really does! I haven't had a chance to talk to him. Only seen him in the office waiting room a couple of times.

 

There are some groups here in my town, but none for women my age. I will eventually check on of those out when I start in on the chemo and really start needing to hear from other people with this.

LB, oh my God you put this in words so perfectly. it was strange being so young. I couldn't deal with the self-help groups. The women there had all experienced life and I was barely out of school. They'd all had kids and I already knew after chemo that I probably never could. They'd been married and I was scared this huge angry red scar would keep anyone from being attracted to me ever again let alone want to marry me.

 

And how is this for stupid thinking? The town I living in at the time had their hospital combine their breast treatment and obgyn to make one women's health center. Every appointment I found myself stuck looking at the floor or reading parenting mags while I waited in a gown wedged between healthy preggers. It was SO unfair!

 

But time has been so good to me. I'm healthy! My scar really did fade a lot and it's still fading. I don't usually even think about it any more. My ex bf still thinks I'm the most beautiful girl he's even known so I know his issues with me are well, with ME! AND A year ago I finally got bumped to quarterly checkups from 8 a year. It's like graduation!

 

Carrot

[LucreziaBorgia]

Carrot, thanks for your post. It is encouraging to hear.

 

I understand about the women's center thing. My surgeon's office is only for oncologic sugery, so I don't see anyone in there except other people in there for cancer surgery, however...

 

Yesterday, I'm sitting in the women's clinic office waiting for my doctor to give me some medication just to have the will to wake up in the morning, and all around me are happy pregnant girls with their equally happy and proud puffed up daddies. Young pretty college girls in there for birth control. Parents and Pregnancy magazines laying around. All around me, happiness, birth, love, sex, and here I am dragging my tired raggedy head ass in begging for something that will simply help me make it through the next day alone. And I haven't even started chemo yet.

 

It is good to hear from people who were there. Who have lived this. Who are still living this, and not just living but most importantly Living. Every time I think there is no hope, I come here and see that there is.

 

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your posts.

[DazedandConfused66]

Carrot, thanks for sharing your story. It's always so nice to hear from others who either are or have dealt with cancer. It's interesting to hear both yours and LB's perspectives. My wife, at 40, entered her first support group and was surrounded by both much older women (55+) -OR- several 18-25 year olds. She felt isolated and unable to identify at first also. By making several contacts with both the Susan B. Komen foundation and the local ACS chapters, however, we were able to synch her up with several women, right in her age bracket, that were meeting "informally" and therefore off the radar.

 

That's the thing I've discovered in running my own support groups (I lead 3 now). There are many formal ones that are for drop-ins and such and their door is always open. But there are literally dozens in my area that share no common affiliation other than just friendships that have formed from meeting one another at fundraisers and the like. Once I started one, I was contacted by a local church who wanted me to start one for them and then that led to a third.

 

I guess my point is that there are others like you LB...and Carrot also for that matter. You may have to network a bit to find them, however.

[Havn_a_life]

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I've been reading and keeping up with your thread; it's just that it made me so angry at your BF for doing what he did that I had to stew and simmer down these last few days till I could post with a rational tone.

 

I hope you're feeling better or will soon. I'm thinking of you everyday.

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

I am so sorry you're going through this hun, can't even begin to imagine what it's like. I think all the loveshackers here agree that we're all here to support you whenever you need us. Stay strong hunni, you can get through this xxxxxxxx

[DazedandConfused66]

Heya LB, just checking in. How goes things? Are you sleeping a "normal" amount of time? Sleep is incredibly important pre-chemo and during chemo. Any feelings to report now that you are on AD's? Is this your first time using them? My wife was on zoloft for awhile, pre-cancer....the impact was gradual, not immediate, but once they kicked in there was a marked improvement in her overall outlook. Eventually, she got off of them, but they helped when she needed them.

 

Just thinking about you.....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hey, D&C - hope all is well with you and yours!

 

I am sleeping ok. I have a weird pattern though. I'll sleep in the afternoon before going to pick up my kid, and then I'll go to sleep with her at night, and find myself waking up at 3, 4 in the morning. I'm not feeling like I'm missing sleep, just that its hitting me at weird times.

 

The only complication really is that I'm having a reaction to the internal stitches under my arm. The incision site is lumpy and swollen a little, and pain radiates out from where the nerves were cut to a few inches out. I'm glad I saved some Vicodin. I needed it yesterday. Nothing serious. Just annoying and painful.

 

I've been on ADs for a good part of my adult life. Zoloft before, Lexapro now. I can't tell any difference, but its only been three days. I'm hoping it will kick in before chemo starts. I am dreading that. Not the chemo part. The living alone during chemo part. I'll manage. I always have before. I have my exH to look in on me, and spend time with me and friends to drop by and stuff like that. I am trying not to think of what it will be like when its time for everyone to go home though, and I'm in a quiet house crawling into an empty bed.

 

I'm trying to think positively, until these AD's kick in and think positively for me.

 

Spending a lot of time writing in my blog, getting it all out. Douglas Coupland would be proud. A typical gen-X slacker with breast cancer. We aren't proactive. We just bitch and blog.

 

Seriously though,

 

I'm a little apprehensive about the radiation and chemo consults. I'm not sure what to expect, only that each appointment would take approx. two hours. I'm going to call over there and find out what to expect, so that I won't be so nervous. I'm not even sure why I'm nervous. The procedures don't scare me or anything. I've read enough about them to know what to expect more or less.

[whichwayisup]

LB, is it possible to get a friend or a family member to stay with you during your chemo days? You really shouldn't be alone afterwards. Just to have someone nearby- And it will settle you knowing someone is there.

 

When my good friend, my nextdoor neighbour went through her chemo, there were days I either brought her kids to my house until close to their bedtime or her husband would take the kids out and I would go to her house and just 'be' there incase she needed something.

 

Another thing to arrange with the hospital or ask about is, volunteers who will pick you up and take you home afterwards. And a travelling nurse who will come by and check on you as well.

 

Thinking of you LB.

[White Flower]

Hi LB,

 

I have just read through this thread, all twenty pages of it. I put it off from the very beginning, but didn't fully understand why until today. I'll explain later.

 

But first I'd like to say I really feel for you. Really. Reading through every single post here whille fighting back the tears has shown me...us all...how compassionate people really can be. All the well-wishers here at LS are so wonderful and their concern is truly heartfelt. Especially DazedandConfused66. Now, that is a real man. I cried when he spoke of touching his wife's newly constructed breast while tears poured down her cheeks.

 

Secondly, this thread has shown us how strong you are and how amazingly comical you can be at a dismal time as this is. You may not know it, but your "rants" as you call them show us, ironically, your bravery. Afterall, you sat up, typed in the words, and did not go to bed and cover your head instead. You got out there, bared your heart, and let us know how you were holding up. That is bravery! And we look up to you.

 

Third, I find it extraordinary that you have been posting your well wishes and good advice on all our threads as if you don't have a problem in the world. You are truly amazing and such a wonder. I'd like to take your exBF and shake some sense into him. When I read that post I just wanted to kick his A$$! The point is, you've been diagnosed and dealing with cancer, your BF dumps you, and you STILL find the time for us. When I think of the perfect word for you, sweetheart, I'll send it to you. Right now, special is the only word that comes to mind, but it doesn't seem enough.

 

OK, I promised you an answer to my avoiding this thread and I'll keep it short. Before I started my A with MM, I helped take care of two family members who had cancer, one right after the other. All in all, it was about 4 years of taking them to doctors, chemo visits, etc, etc. One died and the other survived. I'm sure you understand as to my limiting details, but I'll say they were very close family members. Anyway, I just now realized that the A has numbed a lot of my pain from dealing with it all. You helped me to see this, LB.

 

I'm sorry I avoided this thread for so long, and I wish you the very best and speediest recovery. You have so many friends here.

 

One more question? And this kind of ties in with someone involved in a secret R. If something were to happen to my MM, he has a friend who will contact me. If you were to be too tired or sick to keep us updated, do you have someone who knows you post here and can let us know how you are? We care and are so involved now.

 

With soggy eyes and thinking of you.

White Flower.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you were to be too tired or sick to keep us updated, do you have someone who knows you post here and can let us know how you are? We care and are so involved now.

 

Your post was very sweet, WF. I am very depressed right now, and seeing stuff like this helps.

 

I spent three and a half hours on the phone last night with my ex, trying to find ways to get him to come back to me - trying every justification and scenario that could work for us. Every hypothetical situation that I could think of that would work in our favor. Bottom line: he won't. Not now, probably not ever. The hardest part is hearing him say that he loves me and that he misses me. I don't doubt that. He just doesn't want to live the life with me that was already in progress before he came along. He is coming this weekend to see me. Some pathetic part of me sees it as a chance to try to get him back, but I know that won't happen.

 

All I can think is that I have lost everything. I lost my marriage and that future. I lost my boyfriend. I lost the future I was supposed to have with him. When I come out of this, I'll be close to forty, competing with women half my age, with twice my health and looks, and none of my baggage. So, all I can see now is a lonely blank extending out for the rest of my life. Rationally, I know I will find the motivation to live a happy life again, but right now I just don't see it. I am being treated and made healthy for what? To live the rest of my life feeling sad and lonely? I have my daughter, and my family and my friends and I know that I will have a happiness in my life with them, but what about the happiness you find in the arms of someone who you love, and who loves you back? I will be happy, but I will have a lonely heart at the core of that happiness.

 

I know, its pathetic and self pitying. I feel so bad for even thinking this way, but I would wager that more than a few people going through this feel this way. They just don't talk about it, and people don't want to acknowledge it. It is hidden in whispered tones in the doctors office, and you slink away with a handful of antidepressants and plaster on your "I'm brave and strong" face for everyone to see, while inside your heart is dying just as the cancer is eating you from the inside out.

 

I laid in my bed in the dark last night, and it was so hard being lost in these black thoughts and turning over for comfort and finding nothing there but the cold empty side of my bed. In the middle of the night, when it is really bad and you live alone like I do - your friends and family can't be there for that. That is what your partner is supposed to be. That warm comfort in the middle of the night, when your friends and family have gone to bed in their own homes. Without that warm comfort, I just turned and eventually fell asleep again, knowing that my nights will be like that stretched ahead of me for as long as I can see ahead of me.

 

Again, its all a rant. This black rot lives inside me, and if I don't get it out this way, it will simply spread like an emotional cancer that will kill me from the heartside out.

 

Today isn't so bad. Tomorrow won't be so bad. My sister in law is taking me out to see this one band I really like. The day after that will be ok too.

 

One day ahead of the other. One at a time. That's the best I have right now, so I live it as it comes. Depression is a horrible thing. It warps your thoughts, and sends you down the rabbit hole to hell and its a hard struggle out. I'm on some stuff to help me. It will kick in, in a couple of weeks and I'm hoping that it will help to lift me out of this twisted black reality I have found myself fallen into. I am looking forward to seeing life from a hopeful, and not a hopeless perspective. I know I will get there. I just wish I was there, like yesterday.

 

But I digress. I just wanted to get that out, I guess.

 

If anything happens to me, my exH knows to update on my forums, my blog and my MySpace. I keep them bookmarked, and logged in or at the very least have the passwords saved so that all he has to do is go to the bookmark and he can post freely on my behalf.

 

I think my first bald day will be the next dip I have. I don't expect I'm going to like looking into the mirror and see Uncle Fester staring back out at me. I dunno, in some weird way the bald thing won't be so bad. I guess it will be something akin to my tattoos, my piercings (gone now, I had to remove them for the surgery and just never put them back in), my style of dress... I'm dreading it and morbidly curious about it at the same time. I will not go the 'wig' route, or if I do it will be something like a pink one!

 

See... I'm smiling now.

 

It really does help to get this out.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

LB -- I discovered LoveShack through your posts, and have silently been one of your biggest fans. Your posts have helped me tremendously, and I want to thank you for your commitment to this site.

 

Best wishes and best of luck. I'm in your corner and am rooting for you.

[Herzen]

Of all the great things you've written here, LB, your last post is the best. Even in your darkest moments, you teach us what it's like to be human. That courage, despair, fear, desperation and hope can all co-exist in the same person at the same time. That out of great personal crisis can sometimes arise great poetry. That another's suffering can be shared, felt, experienced.

 

Your struggles are lessons for us all, LB. You've allowed us a glimpse into the deepest recesses of your soul so that we can better see ourselves.

 

Hugs, woman.

[marlena]

LB,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Heck, I don't have cancer (yet. One never knows with this f*****) and I feel like you do a lot of the time. Fiftyish, wrecked marriage, wrecked relationships, my daughter gone living abroad. LB, you do not see yourself as we see you here at LS..a strong, intelligent, gifted human being who loves others and in so doing embraces life...

 

I wish you could see yourself through our eyes. You would be very proud of yourself! You will beat this. You are still very young and pretty (I saw your pic) and lots of nice things are waiting to happen to you.