I have breast cancer

[RecordProducer]

Dear sweet LB,

 

Your last post made me cry. I see that the worst circumstance in your illness is that you don't have a man's love to re-charge your batteries, which is completely understandable. True, life would be much easier, especially in moments like this, with our soul mate by our side - to listen, to comfort, to kiss, to hold tight, to wipe tears, to make you smile, and bring hope. But most women don't have that benefit in life. I bet you that many married women who are ill are now suffering because their partners are not showing enough compassion and understanding; I bet you their husbands are watching TV, while the women write letters on forums or just suck it up. I know a couple who lost a child to cancer; the woman barely survived the loss with the help of meds, while her husband was beating his sadness through drinking with buddies in pubs. Sure, he had his own pain, but how was he helpful to his wife? So many couples divorce after these tests of love and character, because they see one another in a different light.

 

How does this pertain to you? Well, it does, if you realize that this perfect romance is never guaranteed and is very rarely found. My husband has been talking about divorce almost since day one and I wondered the other day if he would file for a divorce if I was diagnosed with cancer today. I think he still would, because divorcing me earlier would save him some money, according to our postnup. Or he might offer me some financial help. Or he might choose to stay with me if he was never really serious about the divorce. The bottom line is: I am not sure what he would do, but I am sure that he would do whatever would suit HIM - not me. How does that make me feel? The same as you feel right now. I know that the only people on whose unconditional love I can count are my parents and my children. Not husbands, not boyfriends. Perhaps friends, but their contribution to our happiness is limited, because they have their own lives to go back to.

 

Life is a lonely place to be in if you expect more than you can get. If I were you, I would turn to my "natural friends" - people who are in the same boat as you. Find people who go through chemo and make some lifetime valuable friendships. You are stronger than you think you are. Don't beg your ex for his love, he is not worth it. Believe me, he is not or he wouldn't have acted the way he did. Instead, tell him that you're doing well and keep the phone calls short and cheerful. When he sees that you're stronger than he is, he will feel his own weakness. You feel like you're a burden to him and that makes you feel even worse. Why do you need that? Eliminate THAT source of depression at least. Tell yourself that you can go through this without him, because you can. There is no benefit in clinging to people who are bringing more misery than relief in an already unfortunate situation.

 

The tragi-comic thing is that in this state you suffer more over men than over yourself. Of course, your health condition aggravates the emotions, but please try to separate those two things: health and romance. Three days ago you wrote that you hoped your BF would show up with a ring and the other day you called your exH and begged him to reconcile with you. Can't you see that you're just trying to have someone in your life? These men are not your soul mates and you should get them out of your head. You DO NOT need them! You think you do, but you don't. We women tend to cling to men who are not good for us, but at least with today's mentality and freedom of variety, we should be more picky about whom we let in our hearts. This is exactly the time when you don't need a man to play with your heart. You're neither the first nor the last who was left alone in front of the port of hell. Many men are weak and they just can't deal with problems. You need someone who CAN.

 

In a way, it's good that they had the opportunity to disappoint you, because that should give you a clear reason to forget them. Your life is not related or connected with your ex's, even though you think it is because of the years you've spent together and your mutual daughter. But what you really need is individuals whose lives are connected with yours in a deeper sense. You should reach out for those people, because they might want to be around you. There is nothing worse than wanting someone who doesn't want you back; and since you can't change their feelings, you must change yours: you must stop wanting them. You're not hoping for a ring; you're hoping that your ex-BF is something that he is NOT.

 

Regarding other men and your age and looks... you couldn't be more wrong, LB. At 40 you will be at your best: a smart woman that beat cancer, independent and strong, experienced and beautiful both on the inside and outside, and a great mother. How can a 25-year old compare to you? And why would you compete with women who are not in your age group? If a man your age wants to date a much younger woman, you don't need his shallow ass. You can find jerks anytime. You want to meet a man who will love you for what you represent on the inside, regardless of how you look. And about men not wishing to marry single mothers, that's just so untrue. The irresponsible men will run away from responsibility, but we don't need them anyway. Having children is a good litmus for checking who should be eliminated from our lives. I dated a guy who was scared of my kids and now he is married to a woman with a child. Well, guess what: I feel sorry for her, because I know how he relates to children - he has no feelings for them whatsoever other than the fact that they bother him.

 

If it's of any comfort to you, Brooke Shields went through her own battle with cancer right after she and Agassi split. She also felt like you in those times. One of the most beautiful, successful, and rich women was all alone in her pain. But she survived and is happy again. Please don't think that this is happening to you because you're not good enough to keep a man. Most men are not good enough to keep them. A man has to have a special value to have the honor to be by your side. And since such a man is difficult to find, we must accept that often, when we most need love and support, we will walk through life without relying on anyone. And that should make you feel good about yourself. Besides, being alone is much better than being lonely and stressed in a miserable relationship.

 

Relax your mind and take things one at a time. Think only about your health. One day, very soon, you will look in the mirror and say to yourself: "I went through this nightmare and won. I can take the next thing that comes along, because if I beat this, I can beat anything." Right now you're wounded and weak, but this is just temporary. After you recover, you will start dating again (or maybe even before). You will love and be loved again, you will dump and be dumped again. Life doesn't end at 40 or 50 or 60. Life ends when it's replaced by death. For as long as you breathe, you are entitled to life, love, and happiness. Try to devise little plans and goals for each day. E.g. tomorrow, you may take your daughter and a friend to an amusement park and dinner. Inhale deeply and feel the life in your lungs. You are alive. Isn't that a good reason to celebrate? When you recover and feel healthy again, will not that be a reason to celebrate? Your daughter is healthy and wonderful - another reason to feel accomplished. Men are very, very poor reasons for happiness, because they are slippery and unreliable. Learn to love yourself and respect your life as it is. You were given the chance to fight this battle and win. Everything will be OK at the end. Be merciful to yourself. When you start pitying yourself, you're working yourself up against your streght - you're giving significance to your weakness and helplessness, which makes you feel hopeless. Start telling yourself every day that life will be great and everything will be fine. You're doing your best in medical terms, but emotionally you're very mean to yourself. You are pulling out the little girl inside you, who is struggling and coping, and you're telling her that she is destined for failure and misery. Instead, dig out the adult in you and try to calm down the weak LB. The smarter and the stonger part of you should dominate the one that fears and falls apart. Not the other way round.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Three days ago you wrote that you hoped your BF would show up with a ring and the other day you called your exH and begged him to reconcile with you.

 

Thanks for your post, RP. I am always happy to hear from you. I hope things are going ok on your end.

 

This part made me chuckle a bit. So many ex's that they are hard to keep up with, I guess. ExH wasn't the one I was begging for R with. Just the recent ex. I feel really bad about reducing myself to begging to reconcile with someone who has let me down at a time like this.

 

ExH and I did talk about it though a few days ago - everyone around us seems to think the natural thing to do would be to get back together since we are still so close, but we both agreed that the marriage door was shut between us permanently some time ago. He and I are still together in many ways, but romance/sex isn't one of them.

[whichwayisup]

ExH and I did talk about it though a few days ago - everyone around us seems to think the natural thing to do would be to get back together since we are still so close, but we both agreed that the marriage door was shut between us permanently some time ago. He and I are still together in many ways, but romance/sex isn't one of them.

 

Romance and sex aside, you still have a bond, a trust and most of all an honest friendship with him. Even though you two are divorced, talk about living arrangements. I mean, I mentioned this in another reply to you, but you shouldn't live alone and go through the rough moments. You'll need someone in hearing distance, someone just to hold your hand when you are scared. Is it possible for him to be that person?

[LucreziaBorgia]

We thought about that. I probably will go stay with him on the bad chemo days. Living there full time might be too confusing for our daughter though. We are going to play it by ear, and see what happens.

[White Flower]

Dear sweet LB,

 

Your last post made me cry. I see that the worst circumstance in your illness is that you don't have a man's love to re-charge your batteries, which is completely understandable. True, life would be much easier, especially in moments like this, with our soul mate by our side - to listen, to comfort, to kiss, to hold tight, to wipe tears, to make you smile, and bring hope. But most women don't have that benefit in life. I bet you that many married women who are ill are now suffering because their partners are not showing enough compassion and understanding; I bet you their husbands are watching TV, while the women write letters on forums or just suck it up. I know a couple who lost a child to cancer; the woman barely survived the loss with the help of meds, while her husband was beating his sadness through drinking with buddies in pubs. Sure, he had his own pain, but how was he helpful to his wife? So many couples divorce after these tests of love and character, because they see one another in a different light.

 

RP is right. I nearly died after giving birth to my last child. My H did not come to my side, hold me, and tell me he was grateful I survived. He went outside for a cigarette.

 

Regarding other men and your age and looks... you couldn't be more wrong, LB. At 40 you will be at your best: a smart woman that beat cancer, independent and strong, experienced and beautiful both on the inside and outside, and a great mother. How can a 25-year old compare to you? And why would you compete with women who are not in your age group? If a man your age wants to date a much younger woman, you don't need his shallow ass. You can find jerks anytime. You want to meet a man who will love you for what you represent on the inside, regardless of how you look. And about men not wishing to marry single mothers, that's just so untrue. The irresponsible men will run away from responsibility, but we don't need them anyway. Having children is a good litmus for checking who should be eliminated from our lives. I dated a guy who was scared of my kids and now he is married to a woman with a child. Well, guess what: I feel sorry for her, because I know how he relates to children - he has no feelings for them whatsoever other than the fact that they bother him.

 

It's true about being best at 40. I may have been thinner in my twenties and thirties, but never as beautiful as I am today. I must admit that MM convinced me of that. Well, other guys turn their heads, too. But LB, you have so much to look forward to. And some lucky devil is going to say to you one day after you beat this, "WOW, what an amazing woman!"

 

If it's of any comfort to you, Brooke Shields went through her own battle with cancer right after she and Agassi split. She also felt like you in those times. One of the most beautiful, successful, and rich women was all alone in her pain. But she survived and is happy again. Please don't think that this is happening to you because you're not good enough to keep a man. Most men are not good enough to keep them. A man has to have a special value to have the honor to be by your side. And since such a man is difficult to find, we must accept that often, when we most need love and support, we will walk through life without relying on anyone. And that should make you feel good about yourself. Besides, being alone is much better than being lonely and stressed in a miserable relationship.

 

Relax your mind and take things one at a time. Think only about your health. One day, very soon, you will look in the mirror and say to yourself: "I went through this nightmare and won. I can take the next thing that comes along, because if I beat this, I can beat anything." Right now you're wounded and weak, but this is just temporary. After you recover, you will start dating again (or maybe even before). You will love and be loved again, you will dump and be dumped again. Life doesn't end at 40 or 50 or 60. Life ends when it's replaced by death. For as long as you breathe, you are entitled to life, love, and happiness. Try to devise little plans and goals for each day. E.g. tomorrow, you may take your daughter and a friend to an amusement park and dinner. Inhale deeply and feel the life in your lungs. You are alive. Isn't that a good reason to celebrate? When you recover and feel healthy again, will not that be a reason to celebrate? Your daughter is healthy and wonderful - another reason to feel accomplished. Men are very, very poor reasons for happiness, because they are slippery and unreliable. Learn to love yourself and respect your life as it is. You were given the chance to fight this battle and win. Everything will be OK at the end. Be merciful to yourself. When you start pitying yourself, you're working yourself up against your streght - you're giving significance to your weakness and helplessness, which makes you feel hopeless. Start telling yourself every day that life will be great and everything will be fine. You're doing your best in medical terms, but emotionally you're very mean to yourself. You are pulling out the little girl inside you, who is struggling and coping, and you're telling her that she is destined for failure and misery. Instead, dig out the adult in you and try to calm down the weak LB. The smarter and the stonger part of you should dominate the one that fears and falls apart. Not the other way round.

Very good post, RC. I agree.

[White Flower]

Sorry, meant to say RP!

[RecordProducer]

Thanks, WF.

 

LB, I kept thinking about what I wrote to you all day and I am so afraid that I might have come out too sharp, which was not my intention. The thing is you're vulnerable and sensitive right now and my attempts to lift you up might have hurt you more than helped you. I just wanted to say that what i wanted to achieve is to present the reality to you from outside. It's breaking my heart to see that you're so depressed. Physically you're in "one piece" but emotionally you're in a million pieces. I am ultimately concerned that this emotional weakness might take its toll on your body. It would be good if you could somehow force yourself not to take life so seriously - I mean life situations, not life itself. I think I finally taught myself to enjoy the small things in life with the idea that the big things WILL come. After all, almost nothing in life happens as we planed it; it's scary, but also exciting. Did you know that you would get cancer? No. But you "know" that you will not be able to find the right man for you? Don't be scared of the future; you don't know what it brings. Anyway, if I said anything that made you feel bad, please forgive me.

 

How do you feel physically? Do you feel any pain or weakness? How do you spend your days?

 

Sorry about the mistake I made regarding your exes. My bad.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. How do you feel physically? Do you feel any pain or weakness? How do you spend your days?

 

2. Sorry about the mistake I made regarding your exes. My bad.

 

1. Physically I am ok. I am having a reaction to the stitches under my arm, so that is sore a good deal of the time. Some sharp jabbing little pains that shoot out a few inches from where the nerves were cut around the incision site. That is normal though. Lots of people react to the internal stitches, and it goes away as they dissolve. My breast is healing nicely, no pain there. Just some aching when I go out in the cold. My port in my chest doesn't hurt, but it feels strange when I lay on my side. I can feel it in there. It looks ok too. The incision sites for that are healed over, and the only evidence of it is a visible lump under my skin. My shirts covers it, so its all good.

 

I spend my days something like this:

 

wake, turn on computer, make coffee

goof off online for a few minutes

wake up daughter for school (if she is with me that night)

get daughter ready: breakfast, etc

take daughter to school

come back, finish coffee, goof off online

call exH and see what he is up to, or he calls me

leave the house to hang out with him, or run errands

come home, read, watch TV, more online goofing off

pick up daughter from school (if she is with me)

homework time, play with daughter time

if I don't have daughter, more reading/tv/goofing off online

bedtime

 

I have a few more days like this left. On Tuesday I have a two hour appointment with the radiation people, and on Thurday, I have a two hour appointment with the chemo people. Then... my life will take on a whole new rhythm after that, probably the following week. I'm ready for it. Bring it on. I'm ready to shave my head and get this sh*t started, you know? Laying around in limbo, while much like a vacation - isn't really fun when all you are doing is waiting for something you dread.

 

2. No prob.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

LB, I kept thinking about what I wrote to you all day and I am so afraid that I might have come out too sharp, which was not my intention.

 

No problem, RP - I didn't see it that way at all.

[Fun2BMe]

1. Physically I am ok. I am having a reaction to the stitches under my arm, so that is sore a good deal of the time. Some sharp jabbing little pains that shoot out a few inches from where the nerves were cut around the incision site. That is normal though. Lots of people react to the internal stitches, and it goes away as they dissolve. My breast is healing nicely, no pain there. Just some aching when I go out in the cold. My port in my chest doesn't hurt, but it feels strange when I lay on my side. I can feel it in there. It looks ok too. The incision sites for that are healed over, and the only evidence of it is a visible lump under my skin. My shirts covers it, so its all good.

 

I spend my days something like this:

 

wake, turn on computer, make coffee

goof off online for a few minutes

wake up daughter for school (if she is with me that night)

get daughter ready: breakfast, etc

take daughter to school

come back, finish coffee, goof off online

call exH and see what he is up to, or he calls me

leave the house to hang out with him, or run errands

come home, read, watch TV, more online goofing off

pick up daughter from school (if she is with me)

homework time, play with daughter time

if I don't have daughter, more reading/tv/goofing off online

bedtime

 

I have a few more days like this left. On Tuesday I have a two hour appointment with the radiation people, and on Thurday, I have a two hour appointment with the chemo people. Then... my life will take on a whole new rhythm after that, probably the following week. I'm ready for it. Bring it on. I'm ready to shave my head and get this sh*t started, you know? Laying around in limbo, while much like a vacation - isn't really fun when all you are doing is waiting for something you dread.

 

2. No prob.

 

Your comments remind me to appreciate every day that is healthy, regardless of how crummy it goes because of how important our health is.

 

I do feel sad how your bf (not sure if he's officially an ex yet) has left you, but maybe he'll come back and you should make him feel ok to take some time away and let him feel not guilty or prideful should he want to come back...If I'm feeling down about something, I can say 'that's ok, I don't have a chemo appointment on Thursday.' So at least your experience is helping to at least make one person feel a little more grateful despite all the sh** in their life.

[whichwayisup]

but maybe he'll come back and you should make him feel ok to take some time away and let him feel not guilty or prideful should he want to come back...If I'm feeling down about something, I can say 'that's ok, I don't have a chemo appointment on Thursday.' So at least your experience is helping to at least make one person feel a little more grateful despite all the sh** in their life.

 

The thing about that (sorry but I disagree with you Fun) this guy balked on her, when she needs him most. I'm not too sure if it's forgivable in the future, when she's better and he comes around in hopes to pick up where they left off. I mean, it seems he cannot handle her cancer, the treatments and all that it brings and he's using her daughter as an excuse. It sucks and he's a fool. It pisses me off because - Well, it just does. I stop now otherwise I'll be ranting about her ex. Sorry LB.

[Havn_a_life]

That's me, WWIU. I've just been reading the thread and keeping to lurking because I think it's crummy how her bf did her.

No offense, LB.

[melodymatters]

This thread has touched so many people LB, if you do nothing more, you have reached out into the world and had an effect on a multitude of people.

 

I am going through a tough time myself, and on top of that I have found a stupid lump in my breast. Don't want to talk more about it and I'm sure it's nothing, but your posts have made me MAKE a mammagram appt. AND decide that even if it's bad news to go through treatment, deal, whatever, rather than just say screw it.

 

And, with or without medical issues, being 40 and single with a daughter and a dead ex H, and feeling like I took all the wrong paths, made all the wrong decsions, I can TOTALLY relate to how you are feeling.

 

You have affected my life. I have taked to friends, my mom and daughter about your posts.

 

I thank you and send major blessings. You are an every day hero.

 

Now some bunnies to lighten sh*t up :bunny::bunny::bunny:

[DazedandConfused66]

Melodymatters, thanks for doing the right thing and getting the lump checked out. MOST lumps turn out to be benign, but getting it checked out is the best course of action.

 

I've a sister who is 8 years older than I. She's 49 now. When she was 38, she found a lump in her breast. She refused to get it checked out...kinda like the avoiding the dentist thing I guess. It didn't grow, wasn't tender, etc. When my wife was diagnosed, she sent a personal card to all of her family, my family, friends, etc....BEGGING everyone who sent her well-wishes, etc. to tell all their friends and family to get a mammogram. My sister FINALLY went and had hers checked. It turned out to be cancerous but she's lucky....it wasn't IDC and she will get by with just a lumpectomy and radiation.

 

Early detection saves more lives than anything else out there.

 

Thanks for sharing and good luck with your exam....please let us know how it turns out.

[melodymatters]

Thank YOU dazed and LB, because like your sister, I too have ignored this for a few months figuring I was too busy, too depressed and too broke to even deal with having it checked out, but with the profiles in courage I have read from the two of you, I started feeling MORE pansy by NOT at least dealing with it one way or another.

 

I hope you two co-author a book, so that you can have this affect on more woman than those of us lucky enough to have found LS !

[White Flower]

Thank YOU dazed and LB, because like your sister, I too have ignored this for a few months figuring I was too busy, too depressed and too broke to even deal with having it checked out, but with the profiles in courage I have read from the two of you, I started feeling MORE pansy by NOT at least dealing with it one way or another.

 

I hope you two co-author a book, so that you can have this affect on more woman than those of us lucky enough to have found LS !

OK, I missed my mammogram appt. I'll call first thing Monday morning to reschedule. Thanks LB and everyone;)

[whichwayisup]

I recently had a full physical done and I told my Dr that sometime I feel little lumps but they go away (learned not to feel myself up during the period time, lol) anyway, he said ANYTIME I have any concerns about my boobs feeling different, or hurting etc, to make an appointment and get them checked. I'm only 36 years old, but I am considering just having a mam. done.

[Fun2BMe]

What is the best test? I heard mamogram's don't always spot cancer since they are not very clear images and have a lot of blurs and stuff. I heard there was another exam that costs a lot more but is much more effective. I mean we don't get mams often so I'd think it would be worth to pay a little more for a better diagnostic exam....I've only had 1 mam and that was when I was about 19. Maybe it's time for another one already...but I guess I'm too scared to find out if I have anything.

[marlena]

I'm due to have a mam sometime soon. The doctor/radiologist told me it has to be between the 7th to the 11th day after the first day of my period. Does this sound right? My gyn after doing a scan for my cyst said that my period was on its way. So far nothing. So I've had to put of the mam.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What is the best test? I heard mamogram's don't always spot cancer since they are not very clear images and have a lot of blurs and stuff. I heard there was another exam that costs a lot more but is much more effective.

 

If you have dense breasts, with fibrous tissues mammograms can miss up to 50%(!) of cancers. That is probably why the one I had in 2004 didn't show anything. MRI is a little clearer, but is more expensive and can also be inaccurate.

 

In my case, the mammogram showed a tumor. The MRI showed several, one big one and a scattering of 5mm ones. I feel damned lucky my doctor scheduled me an MRI. It is not standard procedure, but doing so certainly helped in my case.

[White Flower]

If you have dense breasts, with fibrous tissues mammograms can miss up to 50%(!) of cancers. That is probably why the one I had in 2004 didn't show anything. MRI is a little clearer, but is more expensive and can also be inaccurate.

 

In my case, the mammogram showed a tumor. The MRI showed several, one big one and a scattering of 5mm ones. I feel damned lucky my doctor scheduled me an MRI. It is not standard procedure, but doing so certainly helped in my case.

Excellent doctor! I'm glad he was looking out for you.

 

How are you feeling today?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

How are you feeling today?

 

Actually, quite good. My SIL and I went to see a band I like last night. A couple of the members are friends of mine, have been for about ten years - so it was fun seeing them on stage, and get to spend some time with them offstage too. I had a couple of beers, enjoyed the 80's music, and had a great time. Took lots of pictures, since it will be my last show for a while.

[Tyra]

Im so sorry about you diagnosis. Just try to stay positive, everything will work out fine.

[Fun2BMe]

If you have dense breasts, with fibrous tissues mammograms can miss up to 50%(!) of cancers. That is probably why the one I had in 2004 didn't show anything. MRI is a little clearer, but is more expensive and can also be inaccurate.

 

In my case, the mammogram showed a tumor. The MRI showed several, one big one and a scattering of 5mm ones. I feel damned lucky my doctor scheduled me an MRI. It is not standard procedure, but doing so certainly helped in my case.

 

This is a great example of how messed up our healthcare system is. I mean insurance companies try to save money, but when the customer does not get an early detection, they'll end up spending tens of thousands more on more advanced cancer vs. had it been detected earlier on with a more advanced screening process.

 

Another example of how we don't have preventative health care, but from an oncologist who my aunt used to date, they can be like any other salesman. He told her he hoped to get more patients before the holidays to make more money, at which point my aunt got disgusted and broke up with him.

 

All the pharmaceutical companies that sell chemo medication prefer someone have cancer so they can make some more dividends on their stocks by increasing profits. There's no reason why ALL breast exams shoud not be MRIs other than money at the cost of lives.

 

It's no different than how Haliburton and other American corporations in Iraq supply their employees with bullet proof, strong, large vehicles and you NEVER hear of them getting blown up and killed by roadside bombs, whereas our soldiers are equipped with dinky vehicles no better than the ones we drive ourselves on the roads, getting blown up left and right. Whereas the corporation will lose a lot of revenue if they have an employee killed, the US just ships their exploded soldier back in a body bag and sends a replacement, so there's no monetary benefit to invest money for safer vehicles for them.

[White Flower]

Actually, quite good. My SIL and I went to see a band I like last night. A couple of the members are friends of mine, have been for about ten years - so it was fun seeing them on stage, and get to spend some time with them offstage too. I had a couple of beers, enjoyed the 80's music, and had a great time. Took lots of pictures, since it will be my last show for a while.

 

Glad you had a good time. Are you talking about local bands, or famous ones? I have friends in local bands who play a lot f 80s stuff. Who knows, maybe we've run into each other;)