I have breast cancer

[dropdeadlegs]

To me, this is probably the most important thread in this forum. I check in frequently to see how you and Dazed are doing in the fight against breast cancer.

 

I don't have the words to describe what I feel when I read your posts....words simply escape me.

 

You develop a sense of what a person is like based on the words they write...and the two of you are so very articulate in your choice of words. I admire your strength, honesty, and compassion.

 

I wish that I could offer up some inspirational words for the both of you, but, how could I, when I don't have a clue about what you are going through.

 

But...I will continue to check in and send my positive thoughts to the both of you.

Ditto.

 

I check this thread daily. Like DazedandConfused66 I wonder about not doing additional surgery prior to chemo, but I admit that I know virtually nothing about this situation or how best to treat it. Is there a possibility that the chemo will treat the remaining cancer in the ducts?

 

Nor sure I worded that right.

 

Still sending my strongest vibes and best karma your way.

[marlena]

LB,

 

How do you do it? Where does all this strength of character and wisdom come from? I really admire you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I am, however, a bit puzzled why he doesn't want to excise those additional tumors out of there BEFORE chemo and radiation. That's really puzzling to me and not what I would have expected to hear. Did you ask him why he is recommending systemic treatment and THEN more surgery? Usually they do all surgeries prior to chemo/radiation.

 

And do you know your chemo plan just yet?

 

Hey, D&C - hope all is well with you and your wife. How is she doing with recovery?

 

As for me, I think he has an idea that the chemo may zap the DCIS and he may not have to re-excise. It is not spread throughout the breast that I know of - it appears to be within a millimeter of the surgery site. I'm not sure of my chemo plan yet. I have my consultation on the 6th for radiation, and the 8th for chemo.

 

The only hurdle left now is seeing if I qualify for the BCCCP program. I will be devastated and confused if I don't. I won't know for a couple of more weeks though. The way things are going for me, it wouldn't surprise me to be turned down.

 

That will suck. No insurance. Denied for BCCCP. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. I'm not even sure if they will continue to treat me if I don't qualify for the BCCCP and end up 'self pay'. I'm not sure what I will do then.

 

I will feel much better when I get news on the BCCCP.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, I bottomed out today and called one of my doctors. She ended up putting me on Xanax. Going through all of this, and a breakup too is just too much. Too much.

[whichwayisup]

Anything that helps you through this, do it!

 

I'm sorry that your bf has done this to you, his timing sucks and I still wanna smack him across the side of the head and knock some sense into him!

 

Try to get some rest tonight.

[Art_Critic]

** Another Hug from Art.. **...

 

I needed one...

[coco_milkshake]

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of breaking up with your BF.

 

*sends positive vibes and hugs to LB*

[Fun2BMe]

Well, I just got done talking with the boyfriend. It does not look like he is going to move here after all. I don't know what that means for us as a couple.

What reason did he give you for not moving?

 

 

some people don't have any support. I can't imagine that. Some people have it far worse than I do. Tomorrow is my pathology report results from the surgery. I don't know what that will be, but I'm hoping for the best.

I admire how positive you always are.

 

The satellite lesions were not a good sign.

I'm not sure what that means, since you had said it was not spread to your lymph nodes in an earlier post.

 

I have already told my doctor that mastectomy will be my next decision if there is still cancer in there,

It might be best to psychologically prepare yourself for this step. Those who go through with a mastectomy seem to have the best prognosis. You can always get implants down the line for cosmetic reasons and be just as good or better as you were before. Don't be afraid to consider the M as a good option.

 

 

My heart is broken, but right now a broken heart is the least of my worries.

Do to the bf? sorry I'm not too familiar with your situation... Also I was wondering what exactly is the BCCCP program and is it correct from what I read that you don't have health insurance????????

[with_out_a_safteynet]

I dont know how much help is this but, I coordinate patient care with one of the best cancer research center in the world, which is City of hope in Ca, They take many patients that lack or have no medical coverage and because they have many government grants they can help many ppl. It might not be any help but if it is I would strongly encourage you to see if they can assist you. http://www.cityofhope.org/home.htm

 

Best wishes

[LucreziaBorgia]

What reason did he give you for not moving?

 

He wants to build a family of his own, and being with me is like walking into someone else's. He does not want children, and I have a daughter. He likes her, he just doesn't want to do the 'instant dad' thing. Its hard. He wants me. he just doesn't want the rest of the package that comes with dating a single mother. Living apart the past half year or so helped us to ignore that problem, rather than deal with it. The time came to deal with it, and well... it got dealt with. Only not in my favor. He is still here with me in my home. He still wants to be with me. He just doesn't want the sort of life I have. Tough one. He is still in between - does he go ahead and break up now, or do we continue the long distance thing indefinitely? He doesn't want to do either. So.. where does that leave us this morning? Still not sure. I am thinking of it as a breakup. If you don't know if you want to be with someone, then in my book you aren't really together. But maybe that's the cynic in me.

 

I'm not sure what that means, since you had said it was not spread to your lymph nodes in an earlier post.

 

Satellite lesions are tumors that grow around the main one. They are formed from the parent tumor, and the more there are the less likely your margins (the area that the doctor cuts around the tumors) will be free of cancer. In my case, they turned out not to be satellites, but rather separate cancers. I had a handful of additional cancers, plus more cancer cells growing around those. Luckily they didn't go into my lymph nodes. I don't know how it didn't end up in my lymph nodes, but I surely am thankful! I guess you could say I have locally advanced cancer, rather than metastatic (spreading to other body parts).

 

 

It might be best to psychologically prepare yourself for this step. Those who go through with a mastectomy seem to have the best prognosis. You can always get implants down the line for cosmetic reasons and be just as good or better as you were before. Don't be afraid to consider the M as a good option.

 

That will be the next step after the re-exision. If there is still more cancer, then off they go. I haven't decided whether or not to get reconstruction if I have a bilat mastectomy. I have a few months now to think about that before the re-excision. We're talking March sometime.

 

sorry I'm not too familiar with your situation... Also I was wondering what exactly is the BCCCP program and is it correct from what I read that you don't have health insurance????????

 

BCCCP is the Breast and Cervical Cancer Control Program. I qualify for that on all counts, so I'm hoping for the best that I do get officially qualified. I do not have health insurance. I did, but it got so expensive that I couldn't afford it anymore (around 1500/mo) - I've had cancer before, along with some severe emotional/psychological problems so my insurance skyrocketed. I was going to get it where I work, but I missed the enrollment period. I was in the process of filling out the paperwork for the group health insurance plan for my exH's company (I'm the art director for his company) when all of this happened. So, with no insurance, I turned to the BCCCP. It is designed for women who do not have health insurance.

[blind_otter]

My thoughts are with you, LB. I wish I could offer you more than the symbolic support across an anonymous internet.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, I officially got dumped. He just left.

 

I think that if a month ago, if someone would have told me that I would not only get cancer, but that the man I planned on sharing the rest of my life with would dump me during it I think I would have asked them what the chances they have been watching too many Lifetime movies are.

 

I am stunned. Shocked. I can't believe any of this is happening.

[tanbark813]

You don't want a guy that would dump you for having cancer anyway. F**k him.

[johan]

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that!

 

I dated a girl who was diagnosed with cancer while I was with her. I can't imagine bailing out on her because of it.

 

Some people can't face stuff like that though. And maybe there was more to it.

 

He apparently wasn't going to be able to stick to the "in sickness and in health" part of the deal.

 

You've been through enough lately. You didn't need this, too.

[dropdeadlegs]

So, I officially got dumped. He just left.

 

I think that if a month ago, if someone would have told me that I would not only get cancer, but that the man I planned on sharing the rest of my life with would dump me during it I think I would have asked them what the chances they have been watching too many Lifetime movies are.

 

I am stunned. Shocked. I can't believe any of this is happening.

Times like these separate the strong from the weak, the worthy from the unworthy. You are both strong and worthy, and he has officially fallen on the other side of the fence.

 

May he find a childless woman (at his age,) fall madly in love, and be devastated by her.

 

I don't know him and I'm so pissed off. Yes, I can be vindictive.

 

Much love and many hugs to you, LB. The smell of roses is just around the corner. Believe it.

[Trialbyfire]

He does not want children, and I have a daughter. He likes her, he just doesn't want to do the 'instant dad' thing. Its hard. He wants me. he just doesn't want the rest of the package that comes with dating a single mother. Living apart the past half year or so helped us to ignore that problem, rather than deal with it.

It wasn't a secret that you were a mother, during the course of your relationship. It sounds more to me like he wants no responsibilities what-so-ever. What an ass. Not impressive for a grown man.

 

I'm sorry LB.

[Fun2BMe]

Times like these separate the strong from the weak, the worthy from the unworthy.

 

That's what I was going to say. At least the cancer helped bring his true colors out. Has your daughter always been an issue with him or did he pull that out of the blue? I can't imagine how much pain you are going through right now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

That's what I was going to say. At least the cancer helped bring his true colors out. Has your daughter always been an issue with him or did he pull that out of the blue? I can't imagine how much pain you are going through right now.

 

He was always clear about it, but as time went on he started saying how he could live this way. Before the cancer thing, he canceled his lease, and we started looking at places to buy. He was ready to start a life with me. Then, I guess when it became more of a reality to him he panicked, and backed out. He just couldn't do it.

 

The pain I am in is indescribable. Here is an example of my thought process right now:

 

I am a low income single mother approaching forty. Now I am a low income single mother pushing forty who is undergoing cancer treatments for a year. I was undatable before. Now I am untouchable. People will not be able to even look at me in the grocery store without looking away embarrassed. I will look sick, people will see that I look sick, and no man - unless he likes hanging around the chemo ward to pick up chicks is going to look at me, period. When I do get out of recovery a year from now, I will be a low income single mother pushing forty who had cancer that will probably come back. I will be older, fatter (breast cancer chemo makes you gain weight regardless of how much or little you eat), menopausal (forced by the medication), my hair will grow back grey and curly.

 

The way I see it, my love life is over. I might find someone who will f*ck me every now and again, but no one is ever going to want me for keeps. People will say, 'oh, you'll find someone' - but you know what? That doesn't always happen, and its especially not likely to happen in my case. Why would any man want me, when there are younger, healthier, more attractive, and less baggage women out there? I can see becoming this way over time and having a man want to stay with me regardless, but what man is going to walk into this? No one. I don't even know if I would trust any man who would. I would assume if he is after me, he was rejected by every other available woman, and I would be a last ditch effort in an attempt to get himself laid.

 

Rationally, I can understand that this is just a rant. A frustrated rant. An angry rant. One that made me cry while typing it. So, see it for what it is.

 

This is what cancer does to you. This is what getting dumped when you have cancer does to you.

 

Will my life turn out so horribly? I don't know. Maybe not. But right now, my mind is trapped in these black thoughts. The only thing keeping me from checking out right now is my daughter. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't abandon her in any way. I wouldn't do it for a man. I won't do it for cancer and heartbreak, either.

[dbtmarley]

LB,

 

Please... please... please lose that current frame of mind. I have been following your thread now for days. I really could not add anything and did not want to just type the, Oh best of luck to ya line or I have you in my prayers. But this current mindset drives me to respond. Why? Because 5 years ago my hiv disease finally progressed enough to allow me to have a lovely less desirable AIDS diagnosis. The medicines I am on have caused wasting in places people generally judge your attractiveness on. My health, everything went into a tailspin. I lost my job, had no insurance, and almost lost my house... those were the little things. Medicines kept me locked in the house because the sun would burn me after just a few minutes exposure. I went into a depression and even got myself thrown into a psych ward for a good ole 72 hr observation. I wanted to die, but I was afraid to....

 

I just totally gave up on everything. After battles with KS (cancer for us possies) and PCP (the illness not the drug) I figured my love life was over.

 

At 120 lbs and deathly ill I met a woman who was also pos like me... we dated... we had fun... we married.... and now we have a beautiful 6 wk old baby. My health took a turn for the better. I am back to my normal weight and one could never tell I was at death's door 5 years ago.

 

All I am saying LB is do not give up. Do not get down on yourself. I know it's stupid, but everything does happen for a reason. If I never had hiv I would have never met the woman of my dreams.

 

Once you regain you strength you can worry about the dating thing. When I started feeling better I remember how I was just happy to breathe without assistance... At that time I could care less if a woman ever looked my way again.... but one did... and she's in there sleeping now.

 

Keep your chin up...

[LucreziaBorgia]

At 120 lbs and deathly ill I met a woman who was also pos like me... we dated... we had fun... we married.... and now we have a beautiful 6 wk old baby. My health took a turn for the better. I am back to my normal weight and one could never tell I was at death's door 5 years ago.

 

Db, I've followed your story for a while now. Your story is truly one of the most inspiring ones I've read during my years here at LS. I was so happy to read about your baby in your announcement thread. Thank you for your kind words, and its stories like yours that do give me some hope.

[johan]

Try not to torture yourself with these thoughts, LB. Don't turn the anger and pain he's causing you in on yourself. Don't punish yourself for something you couldn't control. What you described is just one option for how things could turn out, and it's about the worst. You don't know that it will be that way, and it doesn't have to be.

 

I think it would help you to join a support group (in addition to posting on LS). I think you need to be with women who are going through what you're going through.

 

You'll be ok, and I promise you'll feel happy and content in your life again. This is just a really bad time, maybe the worst you'll ever have to face. You'll survive this and you'll be a better person when this storm has passed.

[coco_milkshake]

LB, please dont torture yourself with these thoughts. Your BF bailed cos he couldnt handle the pressure and that shows what a coward he is that he couldnt support you when you needed him the most. If anything, you should be saying "Good riddance!!"

 

I agree with Johan, join a support group and meet other women who are experiencing what you are going through. We can only imagine your pain and that is different from someone who has actually been there, they will understand you a lot better.

 

Dont give up now. Try and focus on the positives and less on the negatives. We are always here.

 

xxxxxx

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have looked at support groups, and picked up books and stuff like that. It is hard to find women out there that I have something in common with besides breast cancer. Down here, everyone I've met in the 'cancer community' are not only much older (bc is fairly rare in women my age), but deeply religious, fairly well off, married or permanently coupled, straight edge, successful, well insured, etc. I keep a blog that I write in on a more detailed level than I do here, and I addressed this concern. Here is a posting I made toward the beginning:

 

(from my MySpace blog)

 

I'm feeling very alone and isolated, even in the midst of awesome support from friends and family. However, I look around me for sufferers and survivors that I can really talk to. Someone who I can identify with. I have been reading books, watching programs, talking to people, attending meetings and all around me I see women I have nothing in common with except the cancer growing inside us. I am beginning to think women like me don't get breast cancer. If they do, where are they?

 

I feel like:

 

the only one who has had tattoos, and doesn't regret them.

the only one who has had piercings, including facial ones.

the only one who is not religious (spiritual, yes - religious, no)

the only one who makes less than ten dollars an hour.

the only one who is not upwardly mobile, or with a 'professional' job.

the only one my age who still gets paid hourly, and not salary.

the only one my age who rents, and does not own a home.

the only one who listens to the music that I do.

the only one who takes gaming seriously, even working on game graphics.

the only one who doesn't have a fat diamond nestled next to a band.

the only one who drives a beater.

the only one who reads and watches the eclectic array of stuff that I do.

the only one who does not have health insurance.

the only one who has lived an 'alternative lifestyle'.

the only one who has worn a spiked collar for something other than a costume party.

the only one who doesn't care if I end up with boobs or not.

 

Where are the tattooed alternawomen? The geekchic gamer girls? Where are the coffeehouse lurkers? Where are the working poor? Where are the intellectual perma-students? Where are the grrrls? Where are the fierce feminist wymym? Where are the punk girls? Where are the alternative lifestyle women? Don't they get breast cancer too?

 

All around me, I see and read about women who are wealthy, upwardly mobile, devout, solid traditional family women who outside of cancer wouldn't have anything to say to me, much less notice my existence.

 

Cancer makes us fellow sufferers and survivors, but even in matters of health we are still separated by a gulf of societal layering.

 

Where are the others in my layer?

 

Now I add to that... where are the ones who get dumped?

 

Do they have a chapter about that in "He's Just Not That Into You"?

 

There isn't a single thing I can find or read that says anything to me, besides just the cancer part. I got nearly physically ill reading Nordie's At Noon. I don't even fit in at the cancer forums I go to. I have had some awesome support here at LoveShack, and I know that I'm not the only one. I've gotten PM's from other survivors too, and I know we are out there - but we are scattered far and few between.

 

So, my friends and family are pushing me to write the book that doesn't exist yet. One for people like me, who aren't well off. Who don't fit the norm. Who, outside of the token pink survivor shirt would otherwise not fit in.

 

Will I write that book? I don't know. I am so frustrated that there isn't anything out there. Maybe I will and the next person who finds themselves in this boat will have something to connect with.

[marlena]

LB,

You MUST write that book.

[lindya]

He was always clear about it, but as time went on he started saying how he could live this way. Before the cancer thing, he canceled his lease, and we started looking at places to buy. He was ready to start a life with me. Then, I guess when it became more of a reality to him he panicked, and backed out. He just couldn't do it.

 

Sh*t...I don't know what to say about any of this. I don't think there's anything worse than someone you love and trust abandoning you while you're in crisis. It's a betrayal of you, the relationship and the person you thought they were. Maybe a betrayal of the person they wanted to think they were too.

 

If you fell in love with this guy, LB, then there must have been good in him. I don't know how he'll live with himself after doing this. How he'll look in the mirror and see anything other than an insipid, flaky f*cker who walked out on a person he cared about when she really needed him to be strong.

 

You're asking yourself who will want you now. I guess for the moment you're really not in a position to be looking for a new romance, because you've got way too much to deal with regarding your health and your personal life. After that? After you've waded through all this? Women do. Women who are less strong than you, they get on with it, they get through it, they find new partners....but I think right now you've probably got far much to think about to even contemplate that aspect of life in any meaningful way.