DazedandConfused66 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I find it quite difficult to express how I do feel. I feel....nothing. Not nothing in the sense of absence of pain. I have an abundance of that. But I feel as if my actions throughout the day don't have a corresponding anchor within me that relates to same. That probably makes no sense. I feel mostly nothing, as if I'm alive but not living, expressing without feeling, taking action without thought. There is that common bit of wisdom that men express our emotions differently than women. While I believe that to be true, I also know that I spent half my lifetime learning to express myself in a manner that my wife could understand, and equally learning to internalize her own expressions of emotion so that I could better relate to her. I have grieved, most certainly, long sleepless nights where all I can do is roll into the fetal position and wait for the night to be over, staring at the empty side of the bed where she used to lie next to me. I do most of my grieving in silence and in darkness because my responsibility to my children is to be there for them. But as much as I've friends in abundance to "be there" for me, it's not the same...I can open up to them but they can't replace the feelings of loss I suffer when I am alone at night....nothing can replace that. I'm not even sure that time will replace it. I know time will make the pain fade, much like wounds turn to scars, but that also scares me as I don't want the memories of her to fade with time. I am terrified of that. I still feel her in my heart, in my soul, in the innermost reaches of my psyche. I want to always feel her there but at the same time I'm afraid that to mend the pain I feel at her loss I must give up some of those innermost connections and that frankly terrifies me. I am seeing a grief counselor, I have the right connections given the work I've done with other cancer survival groups. I'm angry some days, most days if I'm honest about it, but angry at the fact that the cancer won, not angry at God or the doctors or anything like that. I'm finding it hard to communicate with the group of men I've helped through their own fears as they have wives and girlfriends who are facing cancer. I feel like I've lost the battle and therefore have little left to offer them. I led a group on the recent walk and found it very difficult to make eye contact with current survivors as I can't find the assurance that they will beat this. I have refrained from posting in this thread even though LB has been a constant thought in my mind as I am afraid of saying something that will scare her or others lurking. Mostly, I just stay focused on my family, trying to assuage their fears and their own grief but feeling like a charlatan and a fake when I do so as I know the pain I'm carrying and trying to be a rock for them. My children are dealing with their own grief in individual ways and I see in my daughters every day echoes of my wife and sometimes it's all I can do to not break down and grieve in front of them when it does. I don't want my daughters to feel guilt over being like my wife...I want them to be proud and thankful of the part of her that lives on in them. But they know, as young women their intuition is already well formed, and so it puts them into a position of feeling bad that they remind me of her. This creates a terrible cycle of guilt and remorse and grief. And so I've had to insulate my emotions from them because I need them to get past their grief without fear of "stirring up" emotions in dad. Which puts me back at dealing with my own emotions in silence or in the care of counselors that mean well but don't keep the same hours as my empty soul. I'm alive....but I no longer feel like I'm living, let alone living life with a purpose beyond raising my children. That's the closest I can come to expressing how I feel. No I'm not good. I'm confused. I gave myself the handle I did months ago as a lifelong recognition that I am always a student. I spend more time in confusion than I do in enlightenment. And right now, I'm truly dazed and confused about life. Not despondent, not that. That would be the single greatest dishonor I can think of to my family and my wifes memory. She would want me to fight past this and raise our children safely and sanely. But confused....totally. I am past the "Why" stage and the "Why Me" stage I won't let happen as that's not in my genetic code. But as the stages of grief go, I have little choice but to accept her loss. But accepting her loss and dealing with the consequences of same are two entirely different topics. Just confused....the dazed part is the consequence of that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I'm glad to hear that you're doing grief counselling. I remember when my father died (lung cancer), I was 23 years old.. My mom used to just come into my room in the middle of the night and lay in bed with me. We wouldn't say much.. I'd just hold her hand, then she'd fall asleep. She did mention though the fog she felt she was in, same feeling I guess you're feeling now. Just living day to day, surviving, floating.. Dazed, my heart hurts for you and your kids. This is so cliche, but time does heal all wounds..Just sucks big time and takes a long while.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2008 Author Share Posted September 13, 2008 Well, its been a year now since posting this thread. So much has happened to me and others on this thread. Breast Cancer is a monster. One that needs to be eliminated. Here's hoping that in the future, the next generation of women will look back at those who suffered, and will wonder at our methods of discovery and treatment, and will ask themselves... "can you imagine how that must have been?" This thread is for Mrs. D&C, and for every other woman and her family and friends who have had to go through this. I think about you all at some point in the day nearly every day. Every book I shelve about breast cancer. Every book about grieving. Every book about financial fiascos in the health care and insurance industry. Every display I put up about the upcoming Breast Cancer awareness month stuff. I see the pink, and get that bittersweet feeling: a mix of sadness and anger. A mix of triumph and guilt. Hard to believe its been a year. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 D & C, I cannot express my feelings of grief adequately for you, but please understand that as a husband, I too grieve with you. I have followed this thread and have read your many thoughts given to LB. Like her, you have become a part of this saga, and losing your wife to cancer brings home to me how serious a cancer diagnosis can be. I pray to God that you have the strength to bear the burden of grief that you now bear. Nothing I can say will make it easier, but please know that I do in some small way feel that loss with you. Any man who has a wife he loves can only imagine what that loss must feel like, but when he hears of such a loss, he realizes how short a marriage can be. And when I read that your wife died, I felt some of your sadness as if I was in your situation. I extend my deepest sympathy to you. LB, I was glad that you have started this thread, and I appreciate (as I can tell many others do) your continuing updates to this thread. I am glad that you are doing well. Please know that I think of you many times. As you mentioned, when I read or hear about breast cancer, my thoughts go back to those I know who struggle or have struggled with this disease. You are included in those thoughts. Thanks for the updates, and please take the time occasionally to keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Dazed, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your kids - Give an update when you feel ready.. LB - Hope you're doing well sweets! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2008 Author Share Posted October 8, 2008 Things are great! Here is an update from my blog that I posted today: I went today for my fitting for my prosthetics and let me tell you, I love them. I wasn't sure what to think about the whole thing, and in fact came very close to saying 'screw it' and just staying flat. Well, I fully intend to stay flat - no more surgery for this woman - but... after getting fitted with these prosthetics I will definitely be having some 'not flat' days. The procedure is pretty simple. I went into the prosthetic company here in town and was taken to a room with a wall o' bras and boxes of prosthetics. I tried on a few bras I liked, and picked a couple plus one or two more. They are very attractive bras. They don't look any different than regular bras, only they have a pocket in the cup. The forms themselves are fascinating. There are different shapes, and since I had everything removed, I got some that were fairly 'full' in shape and size. I chose a C cup - what I had before my daughter came along. Once I got the forms in the bra and put the bra on, man... it was a sight to behold. Perfect looking perky boobs! I was amazed at how good they look and you can't tell *at all* that they aren't real. Even when you touch them, they feel like real boobs. They are made of a whipped silicone gel so that they are light and comfortable. I pick them up next week on 'boobie Tuesday'. Apparently Tuesday is 'breast day'. I guess Monday is leg day, Thursday is arm day...? Eh... either way it is worth the wait. Between the new prosthetics and the tattoos I want to get, I should be rockin' a great look by the time my high school reunion comes around (woo hoo... class of '88). I got my new glasses too: ArtCraft frames from the mid fifties - twelve bucks at a second hand store here in town, and my eye doctor put my prescription in the frames. Bifocals... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 That's neat LB! New boobs on Titty Tuesday! Make sure you buy a nice dress to go with your new addition..Get the hubby to take you out to dinner too. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I was just thinking about you, LB! I'm happy to hear your update!! Boobie Tuesday!! Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Between the new prosthetics and the tattoos I want to get, I should be rockin' a great look by the time my high school reunion comes around (woo hoo... class of '88). I got my new glasses too: ArtCraft frames from the mid fifties - twelve bucks at a second hand store here in town, and my eye doctor put my prescription in the frames. Bifocals... I am sure that you will look great. I have seen photos of you and you most definitely have style!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucreziaBorgia Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 Anyone want to see my new boobs? I put a couple of pics in my album. Nothing risque... just wearing a shirt. I think they look very real. They feel very real too. The bras they gave me are very pretty: a pink one, a lacy black one, and a lacy 'nude' colored one. They look awesome. 38 C - just right. I debut them at work tomorrow and am taking them dancing Saturday night... heh. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 LB, very very nice.. Sexy! I'm not lesbian or anything, but I love seeing different types of boobs on women. (I point them out when I'm with my H sometimes!) Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 They look very nice and natural Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 You are very beautiful LB... they look totally hot on you ... Link to post Share on other sites
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