I have breast cancer

[squeak]

LB your advice that has enlightened and helped so many here plus your strength of charachter leave no doubt in my mind that you can (and will!) beat this!

 

You are in my thoughts and I'll send positive thought energy your way, as will everyone on LS.

 

*hugs*

[Kasan]

I registered just to post a reply to your thread. I've been a lurker here for months now for related reasons, maybe I'll get into those some other time.

 

My wife was diagnosed with cancer 13 months ago. Level 3C, which meant that it had gotten into her lymph nodes. Normal diagnosis...she found a lump, they biopsied, proceeded to a lumpectomy with a sentinel node dissection, found that the cancer had spread to 6 of her first 18 lymph nodes they removed past the sentinel node. 6 months of chemo, 3 months of radiation. Lost her hair, one breast, almost all her strength, loss of memory (chemo brain), the normal. Sex drive is remarkably still intact but that's likely because lovemaking takes on an entirely new dimension when you realize your own mortality. She's an amazing woman, I knew this before, but I'm in awe of her now.

 

I'm not going to candy coat things for you. It may turn out that you can get by with just a lumpectomy and survive cancers devastation for the rest of your life. We are hopeful for the same. But as a man who loves a cancer victim with all my heart and soul, I will give you one strong bit of advice.

 

Fight it. It's not a "blessing in disguise," it's not a test from God, it's not a "life trial." Cancer is an Enemy. Dark and destructive, there is nothing good about it, nothing at all. Fight it like hell. Hate it. Despise it. Take every negative emotion you ever have, be it getting stuck in rush hour traffic or finding out that the dog has dug up the newly-planted bushes in the front yard and pour it into purging the Enemy from your body. I don't buy into all this tree-hugging mentality of "living with cancer." Mentally force yourself to live as if you don't have it. Treat it, sure. Get great doctors and an even better support group. PM me if you want some pointers to some out there, there are many great groups. But do not succumb to the beguiling calmness of learning to live with it. You don't want to. You want to beat it. You want to kill it. Save your love and affection for the care and support of your friends and family. There will be days you want to lash out at them you feel so afraid. Lash out at the real Enemy instead.

 

I honestly believe this to be true. 13 months into our treatments and the love I share with my wife is stronger than it's ever been before. This has NOTHING to do with the cancer that invades her body. This has everything to do with our ability to learn to fight a common Enemy together.

 

You have my best wishes for a full recovery. You don't have my sympathy. Sympathy is for those who won't fight. I know you will.

 

and I want you to know just how important your posting was/is for all of those dealing with loved ones fighting this disease. Your perspective and words moved me and I am sure many others.

 

It sounds like your wife has a great support system in you and I am sure friends and family.

 

Although, I haven't had this experience in my family, I do have a family member who is struggling with failing help. I do know that standing on the sidelines and being the "cheerleader" is draining as well as exhausting.

 

It is my hope that you continue to post and you use this wonderful forum as a tool should you need/want support for yourself. There will be many of us I am sure willing to lend an "ear".

 

Blessings

[LucreziaBorgia]

D&C66, thanks for your post. My stbxH shares a similar view, and I am lucky to have him in my life to help just as your wife is lucky to have you too. I am sure that your presence, and your support helped her in many ways. I understand that there are going to be days that I am going to be too tired to fight, and I am that I have people around me to help me through that.

 

Today is one day closer to the day where I find out the basics: will I lose only part of a breast (not likely with as big as it is), a whole breast (likely), or both (also likely with a strong history of cancer, and having had another type of cancer before). Which cocktail will my chemo be? And the radiation? How long will it last?

 

I get a pain just below my clavicle and on my shoulder stretching down to my shoulderblade, and I think... it spread to my lung. I get a headache and I think... it spread to my brain. I get a pain in my legs and I think... it spread to my skeleton. I won't know any of that until after Tuesday.

 

I am nearly sick with wanting to know. To get started. To reach the recovery period, rather than the waiting game beforehand. I am scared of the surgery. I am worried about the reconstruction. I'm afraid of being home alone, and something happening and I can't help myself.

 

I went out last night, and had a blast. It was an eighties band that I love, and I got to spend some time with one of the band members, a good friend of mine for many years, and his girlfriend. He is leaving the band, and this was his last show - so it was a sad end to the evening for both of us. I got to dance, sing, drink some beers, and relax and pretend that I have not a worry in the world. It was such fun. I am looking forward to the day where I feel well enough to do that again.

[whichwayisup]

I get a pain just below my clavicle and on my shoulder stretching down to my shoulderblade, and I think... it spread to my lung. I get a headache and I think... it spread to my brain. I get a pain in my legs and I think... it spread to my skeleton. I won't know any of that until after Tuesday.

 

This is a normal reaction and fear to the unknown. The mind has an awful way of taking over, so try to keep your humour and your mind distracted.

 

I am nearly sick with wanting to know. To get started. To reach the recovery period, rather than the waiting game beforehand. I am scared of the surgery. I am worried about the reconstruction. I'm afraid of being home alone, and something happening and I can't help myself.

 

Once you know what you're up against, you'll be ready to fight it. The waiting is the worst.

 

For the surgery, they'll give you good drugs. Before and after. Put the reconstructive surgery off for a while though...

 

You won't be alone. You'll have tons of support between your H, your ex, friends, family, even neighbours. My close friend and neighbour who went through BC 2 years ago, wasn't alone much. On certain days I would go over to her house, and just 'be' in the house, incase she needed me. She would either lay down on the couch and doze/sleep, or be in bed. We didn't talk, or really hang out, it was more for her to feel safe, secure and just know that someone was there if she needed anything. So, don't worry about that aspect of it LB - You won't be alone.

 

Trust me, you'll be out there again. I'm rooting for you LB and always sending you my love, and lot's of positive thoughts.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

When will you find out more about the surgery, Lucrezia? Tuesday?

 

I know it must be very difficult, but try not to over-think. You'll find out all the particulars soon. And I think your doctors seem to be quick on action too, so I don't think you'll have to wait too long.

 

You know, you'll be going through surgery anyway. Whether it's a partial mastectomy or a full one - you'll undergo almost the same drill, before and after.

 

The chemo and radiation is going to be tough. But you'll get through it, they provide really good support for these therapies these days.

 

You will be well enough to have all the fun you want, Lucrezia. Just keep aiming to be stronger and stronger.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When will you find out more about the surgery, Lucrezia? Tuesday?

 

 

Yeah, I've got the consultation with him then. I'm not sure when he wants to do the surgery, but I have a feeling it will be very soon. He is at the surgery center on Tuesdays, so I'm thinking it will probably be next Tuesday when I go in. If it looks dire, it may be sooner. I'm not sure either way.

[DazedandConfused66]

One of the most difficult parts of early-diagnoses is the waiting. You know you've got something and you want to get to work on fighting it right now and theres all these tests and consultations and websites where you read both great survival and terrible stories as well and....well, just like my run-on sentence, it's draining. For us, it was especially difficult given that each successive test brought worse news. But I know far more patients where the worst was the first diagnosis and then they could get started.

 

And I can't begin to tell you how I can identify with your fears of it spreading. Depending on the stage of breast cancer (btw, typo for me, meant to say 3A, not 3C, there is no 3C that I know about) that you are at, you may or may not be subjected to MRI's. It is nothing short of amazing what a good MRI can show these days. My wife will have to get one almost every 6 months now for the next several years as we need to ensure where it did and didn't spread via the lymph node network. And any spot, any "abnormality," can send you through the process again. That's why we chose to go the fight route rather than the "live with it" route. No way are we going to let fear run our lives, we have too much living left to do! And I don't want my daughters and son to feel like they have to fear it or live with it either.

 

But that waiting part....oh how I can empathize with you. Fortunately, test results are getting faster and faster. We had my wifes biopsy reviewed by the Mayo team prior to the masectomy, and even they were able to get back to us within days. It used to take weeks. Things really are improving. Many people don't realize this, but doctors even use the "C" word with cancer these days...that's right, "Cure." Not remission. Cure. Is it real? I think that depends on who you ask but they really do believe they can eliminate it from the body if you are willing to treat it aggressively. You don't mention your age, but my wife is 40. She was (and still is, despite the treatments) in very good help. She had some thyroid and PCOCS issues early on, but nothing serious.

 

One thing that helped my wife immensely through the cold months of chemo and radiation was realizing that she was going to have a LOT of time to just lie there and take/recover from the treatments. And she didn't want to just lie there and pity herself. So she decided to learn a foreign language. Our reward for getting thru this past year is to take a trip to Tokyo where she can try out her new Japanese skills. She had her laptop with her during all her chemo treatments and used that, plus some training MP3's we bought that she'd use on her iPod during radiation and at home. One side effect of chemo is that the drugs attack your memory and cognitive abilities. For some people, it's temporary, but for others it can have lasting impact. So you have to keep your brain engaged and excercise it also. My daughters pitched in and bought her a Nintendo DS with Brain Age and Sudoku on it as well...really helped her and their gesture of support made them feel like it was something they could fight also. Sometimes, that's what you have to do....if you can't attack the cancer directly, attack the side effects. Those are easier battles to win.

 

Finally, regarding reconstruction. It's a personal matter between you and, maybe, your SO. I love my wife. Her absence of a breast or breasts wouldn't change that. We've found plenty of ways to remain intimate, sometimes she just needs the lights a little darker, maybe a little more lingerie than usual, different positions...or even a blindfold for me (hey, can be fun after 20 years of marriage!!!!). But I'd be a fool to not recognize the importance of breasts for a woman. We have finally opted on a DIEP flap tissue replacement surgery....they give you a tummy tuck (leaves the muscle alone however) and move that tissue up thru your body and reconstruct your breast from that. It's a big surgery but my wife and I spent a lot of time considering implants and such first. If you opt that route, recon has to wait a bit longer....especially if you have negative reactions to radiation therapy (she did). But there are literally a half dozen choices for you there, so if you decide to recon, it's there. Thank god insurance now covers things like this.

 

The most important piece of advice I can offer is what you are already doing. Don't change your lifestyle to "accomodate" the Enemy. Keep doing what makes you happy. Adjust things slightly or take on new challenges that might be better in keeping with the treatment road you've got in front of you. But do NOT let the Enemy take away your life. In fact, a little known secret you'll hear from a lot of cancer patients. This changes your whole priortization system. All that scrimping and saving we've been doing for retirement? Screw that, who wants to die a millionaire? Spend some money on yourself NOW, while you enjoy it. It doesn't matter if you've cancer or not, why keep saving for the rainy day when the sun is shining now? Oh sure, we still have our IRA, 401K and ROTH accounts going. I'm not saying just punt the future. But really....moneys not worth much if it can't buy you happiness. And it truly can if you spend it on those things, today, that make you smile.

 

Speaking of 80's rock bands...I saw REO Speedwagon with my wife last night. We drank and had fun and laughed and sang like teenagers at the concert.

 

Keep us posted on your treatment options. Waiting is one of the harder parts of this battle.

[DazedandConfused66]

Although, I haven't had this experience in my family, I do have a family member who is struggling with failing help. I do know that standing on the sidelines and being the "cheerleader" is draining as well as exhausting.

 

It is my hope that you continue to post and you use this wonderful forum as a tool should you need/want support for yourself. There will be many of us I am sure willing to lend an "ear".

 

Blessings

 

 

I want to thank this forum for support you likely don't even realize you've offered. I've been a lurker for, hmmmm, a year maybe? I never really was one to get too involved in online forums, but with all the research I did during the diagnosis and treatment, it was only natural to run across several.

 

The funny thing for me is that most of the support I've gotten, even virtual, has been from the "how to show love" forums. See, I'm a male, and like most males, we are wired to "do" something. I'm not the best communicator with my wife, never have been. I've sincerely tried and I think she'd give me a B for most of our relationship, but unless I'm "doing" something, it's just very frustrating. So I learned about being an "active listener" from this forum, I learned about little ways other people show their affection for their loved ones. Heck, I even learned how to wake up my long-since-dead ability to write a good, mushy love letter. Do you have any idea how easily I've outsourced expressing my feelings to my wife via the Hallmark corporation and 1800Flowers? It's pathetic really how bad I had gotten. This forum showed me that real men can do mush, and I LOVE being mushy with my wife. It's wakened feelings in me for her I had long since forgotten I had, and the ability to give her strength, love and support that she didn't think to ever find from me either I'm betting.

 

And just like a man likes to "do" something, a woman sometimes has difficulties letting people "do" things for her. I learned so much from reading here. All these romantics in here running about with their little acronyms taught me a few things...you are never too old to fall in love again. But you sure as heck can be so busy that you ignore the opportunities.

 

Great place, glad I found it. I'll try and be a little less "lurky" from here on out.

[riobikini]

LB -I do understand the startling awakening to priority of what matters most as you go through this.

 

As Goethe so succinctly said, "Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least."

 

Your daughter, your partner, yourself -all are now at the center of your every thought, cemented together, and all rolled up into one distinct priority: to get well and to be granted the chance to treasure -more than ever- your lives together.

 

Posters have remarked about how strong you are just now -and how well you are taking this news and processing it.

 

You are inspiring in doing so -but just remember you are always welcome, also, in your moments of fear, weakness, or tears.

 

Some may forget -but LS is here for some of the more bleak and dark times of our lives involving more serious and frightening things, as well as the melodramatic, the emotional and even the frivolous and carefree.

 

I wish -and pray- for strength for you through this -and the expedient restoration of your good health.

 

You have proven over and over to be a witty, knowledgeable, and significant contributor to LS -one of the most, obviously, intelligent posters I have read on here- and I look forward to many future contributions from you.

 

Because I find it unthinkable that our LucreziaBorgia could not triumph over cancer of any kind.

 

We all go through this world one precious day at a time -thank you for courageously posting about your breast cancer- it should make us all stop and focus on the gifts we have been given in our own lives.

 

And take time to cherish them.

 

Sincerest Prayers, Warmest Hugs & Much Admiration,

 

-Rio

[Ladyjane14]

Great place, glad I found it. I'll try and be a little less "lurky" from here on out.

 

I really hope you will.

And maybe you'll sign on with a new moniker too... because you sound neither "Dazed" nor "Confused". You sound like a guy who's got his priorities together.

 

You know, there's alot of folks around here who admire LB so much... for her big, beautiful brain and the way she consistently splits the difference between compassion and straight-shooting.

And we're worried for her, feeling a bit helpless as to what we can say to help her along in such a difficult time, just mumbling our prayers on the sidelines.

 

It's nice to see someone who's got some experience and perspective jump into the discussion is what I'm saying. I can't think of a better cause to give up "lurking".

[sb129]

 

You know, there's alot of folks around here who admire LB so much... for her big, beautiful brain and the way she consistently splits the difference between compassion and straight-shooting.

And we're worried for her, feeling a bit helpless as to what we can say to help her along in such a difficult time, just mumbling our prayers on the sidelines..

 

 

Absolutely. I had alot of admiration for you before, all this LB, and the way that you are dealing with this has only increased that.

 

You are an amazing woman, and so many people clearly care about you.

 

All the best, and please keep us posted on your progress.

[Teacher's Pet]

I am so sorry....

 

You know your family here at LS is behind you, and you have all of our prayers and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

 

And you WILL beat this.

 

-tp

go get 'em, tiger!

[lindya]

Yeah, I've got the consultation with him then. I'm not sure when he wants to do the surgery, but I have a feeling it will be very soon. He is at the surgery center on Tuesdays, so I'm thinking it will probably be next Tuesday when I go in. If it looks dire, it may be sooner. I'm not sure either way.

 

So you're going in tomorrow, and possibly might have surgery as early as this week? We're all hoping for the best outcome for you, LB. Stay strong.

[AriaIncognito]

LB I'm really sorry to hear of your news. Your spirit and strength should b admired by all reading. It's easy to look at something like this and not fight. You are doing an amazing job. Keep it up.

 

Dazedandconfused66 - if we all had spouses such as yourself, we probably wouldn't even have to have such a website. You prove to me that good men do exist, just a matter of finding one...can't you clone yourself for us LS women who need a good man hehe

[Cerise]

I am so sorry...

 

Don't forget to cry, it is easy to get caught up in the midst of being strong and forget to take time for yourself, but crying is important too.

 

As you go through all this you will have many different emotions, allow and accept them all; it is part of the journey through healing.

[Teacher's Pet]

Dazedandconfused66 - if we all had spouses such as yourself, we probably wouldn't even have to have such a website. You prove to me that good men do exist, just a matter of finding one...can't you clone yourself for us LS women who need a good man hehe

 

LS proves that good PEOPLE, in general, DO exist!

 

This thread in itself is proof.

 

*group hug*

 

-tp

good man who needs a good woman (or at least the ability to clone Ariawoman)

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wish there were a smile icon that described how I feel right now. I guess the closest I can come up with is:

 

for all the great words of support and ...

 

for having to wait until 2pm today to find out what will happen next.

 

I will find out what type it is, what stage its in, how far its spread (if at all), what sort of surgery I will have and when I will have it, what sort of reconstruction can be done, and how much chemo and radiation I will have to go through. I will have a name to put on this.

 

The lump, when I feel it is about 2-2.5 inches across, and it shows up as spiculated and calcified on both the mammogram and ultrasound. I fully understand the implications of both the size and the spiculation/calcification. What is killing me is the six hour wait to find out what happens next.

 

I will surely post back after this afternoon's appointment. I can't even imagine what state of mind I'll be in.

[2sunny]

stay strong honey!

 

we're all right there with you and supporting you for the best outcome we could all hope for!

 

my MIL had breast cancer (a mastectomy) not too different than what you describe - and that was almost 20 years ago... now nothing since!

 

think positive thoughts (i know you will) and stay strong. lean on the folks most important in your life and allow them to help you. it will make them as happy as you.

 

(((hugs)))

[lovelorcet]

I guess all I can really say is that I wish for you all the strength you will need to get through this, I am somewhat at a lose for words really.

 

I completely understand that awful feeling of not knowing things and I only hope the time goes by fast for you.

 

 

((((hugs)))))))

[whichwayisup]

You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you all my good energy...

 

Just keep distracting yourself as much as you can until it's time to leave for your appointment.

 

Lots of hugs,

WWIU

[serial muse]

LB, I think you're such a terrific person, and I'm sending you cyberhugs too. I wish for the best for you today. :love:

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ok, I'm back from the doctor's office, and it looks better than I had hoped for. It is malignant, but it is not nearly as big as I thought. It is an inch by inch tumor surrounded by a thick layer of calcified tissue which makes it feel twice as big. The doctor said it was not life threatening - it appears that it has not spread, and that surgery and chemo/radiation will do the trick.

 

So... it is bad, but not nearly as bad as I was expecting and I am thankful for that. I did have to have an incision in the office today, and they removed some bits of it and I will have the final analysis on Tuesday. It was painful. It still hurts now, in fact. He did not sound hopeful about the results, but he did say that at least it was fixable. I think at this point they aren't checking for malignancy so much as they are checking to see what type it is and what chemo cocktail would work best.

[Trialbyfire]

Did they check your lymph nodes LB?

[marlena]

LB,

I am so glad this is as you say "fixable" and not as bad as you feared. Maybe our group hugs and prayers are helping somewhat? We're all here on the bleachers cheering for you!

[Herzen]

Ok, I'm back from the doctor's office, and it looks better than I had hoped for. It is malignant, but it is not nearly as big as I thought. It is an inch by inch tumor surrounded by a thick layer of calcified tissue which makes it feel twice as big. The doctor said it was not life threatening - it appears that it has not spread, and that surgery and chemo/radiation will do the trick.

So... it is bad, but not nearly as bad as I was expecting and I am thankful for that. I did have to have an incision in the office today, and they removed some bits of it and I will have the final analysis on Tuesday. It was painful. It still hurts now, in fact. He did not sound hopeful about the results, but he did say that at least it was fixable. I think at this point they aren't checking for malignancy so much as they are checking to see what type it is and what chemo cocktail would work best.

 

If confirmed, that's sweet music to all our ears. In fact, I think I hear Shackers everywhere making a huge sigh of relief.

 

Both thumbs up, LB.