He left me. He walked out.

[Lovingme81]

I'm going to need professional help. I'm sorta in my right mind but I know I want to die and I know I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I know I mostly likely won't kill myself but I want to die.

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I texted him and I regret it and I'm stupid, desperate, I'm a loser, I have no life. I'm just a failure at everything. I want to disappear. I'm not normal.

[Kbomb]

I know exactly how you feel.

 

Acting like your ok at work all day is such an effort! Then bursting into tears as soon as you get in your car to drive home because it was so hard to hold in all day.

 

Hang in there and tell yourself you are strong! DO NOT BREAK NC.

 

Try to keep busy and hang out with friends, talk to someone you trust.

 

I wanted to be left alone and not talk to anyone for the first month, crying is good don't hold it in.

 

The pain will ease in time

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm going to need professional help. I'm sorta in my right mind but I know I want to die and I know I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I know I mostly likely won't kill myself but I want to die.

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I texted him and I regret it and I'm stupid, desperate, I'm a loser, I have no life. I'm just a failure at everything. I want to disappear. I'm not normal.

 

Dear lovingme81, pretend for a while here that we're your ex,

What would like you like to say? Pretend this is text.

This way, you get out some of this desperation you're in,

Without actually contacting him, to me that's a win!

[Lovingme81]

Dear lovingme81, pretend for a while here that we're your ex,

What would like you like to say? Pretend this is text.

This way, you get out some of this desperation you're in,

Without actually contacting him, to me that's a win!

 

I did text him. Now I want to die. Im going through so much in my life. This break up is the nail in the coffin. Work, my mom, being sick all the time. I can't do this anymore.

[BC1980]

I'm going to need professional help. I'm sorta in my right mind but I know I want to die and I know I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I know I mostly likely won't kill myself but I want to die.

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I texted him and I regret it and I'm stupid, desperate, I'm a loser, I have no life. I'm just a failure at everything. I want to disappear. I'm not normal.

 

Well, here's the good news. As long as you are still here, there's hope. As long as you are still alive, you have hope. I think you do need a counselor to help you navigate grief and build your self-esteem. Right now, you have such low self-esteem that you are chasing a man who doesn't love you and who doesn't want a relationship with you. You are clinging to this man for dear life and want him back.

 

There's also good news in that you know this is all warped and not right. At least you know that because some people don't even get that far. Look, when my ex dumped me, I was a d@mn wreck of a person. Had no clue who I was because I had invested so much in him. I had become so involved in trying to win his approval that I didn't even really spend time with my friends anymore. I was like you. I wanted that slime bag back. I didn't want to live without him. I thought he was the key to my happiness, and I thought I couldn't have a life without him.

 

Somehow, I found the strength to move forward one day at a time. There were some really low points, but I kept moving. If I can do it, you can do it. There were days that I just wanted to lie on the ground and cry. There were days I didn't want to wake up to see tomorrow. So I've traveled this road you are on, and a lot of other people on LS have too. You do need help outside of yourself. You need a support system and a counselor to rally around you and have your best interests at heart. Because your ex most certainly does not have your best interests at heart and probably never has.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm going to need professional help. I'm sorta in my right mind but I know I want to die and I know I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I know I mostly likely won't kill myself but I want to die.

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

 

 

I totally agree with this. Please get help, and right away. Look, I was right where you are when my ex-husband left, and I ended up being hospitalized (my choice) to help get over the worst of it. There's no shame in it, you have been subjected to years of emotional abuse by this man on top of years more of the same from your mother. This is more than anyone could handle on their own.

 

Please, please talk to someone about this.

[BC1980]

I did text him. Now I want to die. Im going through so much in my life. This break up is the nail in the coffin. Work, my mom, being sick all the time. I can't do this anymore.

 

Sometimes, a breakup can be a catalyst to change a lot of cr@p in your life. If someone leaving you causes this much upheaval, then you were hanging on by a thread anyway. You were hanging onto this guy in some attempt to ignore all of the other issues in your life. This breakup just exposed a lot of issues you need to deal with. One day, I hope you can see that as a good thing.

[Lovingme81]

I know, I'm pretty messed up. Im just staring at my computer screen its 2:30 and I get off at 5. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do because I don't want to cry. I have to figure out what I'm going to do.

[ZiggyZoo]

Is your place big enough to have an HR department? If so, I'd suggest going over there and seeing if they have some sort of employee assistance program. Some places have x number of free counseling sessions available. I think you need to talk to somebody IRL though, I'm worried about you right now.

[Lovingme81]

Is your place big enough to have an HR department? If so, I'd suggest going over there and seeing if they have some sort of employee assistance program. Some places have x number of free counseling sessions available. I think you need to talk to somebody IRL though, I'm worried about you right now.

hr department is in la. I guess I could call but I don't want them knowing im not okay. there has been a lot of changes and lay offs. i'm scared. I will try to make it until 5. I hope he doesn't text something really bad back. I regret it now. I feel so low. I wish my mom cared.

[Twigyy]

I'm going to need professional help. I'm sorta in my right mind but I know I want to die and I know I'm too scared to actually kill myself. I know I mostly likely won't kill myself but I want to die.

 

I don't know who I am anymore.

 

I texted him and I regret it and I'm stupid, desperate, I'm a loser, I have no life. I'm just a failure at everything. I want to disappear. I'm not normal.

 

It's okay to want to text your ex, and it's normal to feel this way. Cut yourself some slack. Now whenever you feel like texting him again remind yourself. Its okay to do it once, but it is not to do it twice

[lana-banana]

hr department is in la. I guess I could call but I don't want them knowing im not okay. there has been a lot of changes and lay offs. i'm scared. I will try to make it until 5. I hope he doesn't text something really bad back. I regret it now. I feel so low. I wish my mom cared.

 

Your company will not know you're not okay; they don't get that information. All they see is a certain individual called the number for an unknown reason. They will not disclose any other information unless you threaten harm to yourself or others. Give them a call.

 

It's okay. It will be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not for a very long time, but remember H.O.P.E: hold on, pain ends. You will make it. Just stay with us here.

[Lovingme81]

Your company will not know you're not okay; they don't get that information. All they see is a certain individual called the number for an unknown reason. They will not disclose any other information unless you threaten harm to yourself or others. Give them a call.

 

It's okay. It will be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not for a very long time, but remember H.O.P.E: hold on, pain ends. You will make it. Just stay with us here.

ill try to call, im embarrassed. I'm trying to make it till 5. time is going so slow.

[Lovingme81]

my stomach is hurting. I think my anxiety is over taking me or something .

[ZiggyZoo]

hr department is in la. I guess I could call but I don't want them knowing im not okay. there has been a lot of changes and lay offs. i'm scared. I will try to make it until 5. I hope he doesn't text something really bad back. I regret it now. I feel so low. I wish my mom cared.

 

They can't fire you or lay you off for something like this. I guarantee that when you see someone, they'll diagnose you with at least depression. As long as you're getting treated for it, it is as valid a medical exemption as a broken foot or a heart attack. If you're this upset at work and don't reach out though, it could come back on you. The last thing you need is someone questioning your ability to do your job. This is a very understandable situation, something almost everybody's been through. And seeing a therapist is 100% protected by HIPPA, so your company can't be told that you are.

 

So cut yourself some slack here. So you texted him, we all screw up NC at one point or another. This experience may give you something to think about next time you're tempted, so it may not be all bad. You're only human, and you held out for a long time.

[Lovingme81]

Thanks everybody.

[fireflywy]

It's normal to want your ex back. I'm sorry that he never showed how much he cared. I can empathize with this completely. You are a precious person. You should not ever think what you're thinking. There are so many things about YOU which are meaningful, important, and will give you more then he ever could. Never forget that.

 

Imagine, some day, in the future, you are HAPPY, you are full of love, there is a man, a man who is so very different then the p.o.s. you're hung up on now. He makes you laugh, he makes you smile. He says I love you with meaning, when the sun rises, and the sun sets. Hold onto that.

 

I GUARANTEE you, that whatever you ever you feel now, that something WONDERFUL will happen to you. Too all of you reading this.

 

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and about what happens to you..."

 

Harold Kushner, forward to Viktor Frankl's (a holocaust survivor) "Man's Search For Meaning"

Edited April 18, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Let me ask you this?

 

Would you like to do some magic?

[spiderowl]

Idk whats wrong I just feel like garbage. Like I just want to be good enough.

 

You are good enough but you've let yourself be in a relationship with someone who disrespected you, without stopping him. He didn't even have the courtesy to warn you when he was coming over like you asked him to. No wonder you ended up in arguments with him! But, my parents used to argue all the time and I know that arguments don't work because usually one person is arguing to engage not to resolve an issue. Arguments let off steam, they can involve name-calling, denigration, all sorts of undisirable behaviour, but to be effective one has to draw a line in the sand, firmly and calmly and to say their behaviour is not acceptable. Only then will the offender understand there is a boundary. Arguments can be a very ineffectual way to deal with issues.

 

I think drawing up your own boundaries involves risking losing a partner. They need to know if they disrespect you and your boundaries or refuse to acknowledge you as any polite person would, they will lose you. They will lose you because they are not decent enough for you. Once a person knows there are serious limits to what they can get away with, they have to decide whether to abide by your rules or leave. You chose to keep him at all costs. You don't need to do this. You could/will find a guy who would be happy to treat you with the respect you deserve, just because he loves you.

 

If you are with someone who disrespects you regularly, it is easy to come to the conclusion this is because you are not worthy of his respect. The two are not connected at all. You need to assume a guy will respect and boot him out if he doesn't. If you do this to all the guys you get to know, then you will end up with the one who treats you well. The others will have fallen by the wayside because you de-selected them. Unfortunately, you didn't filter this guy out when he started misbehaving or you wouldn't have suffered like this.

Edited April 18, 2015 by spiderowl

[Lovingme81]

after No Contact for 11 days I texted him. I got so weak and I texted him. I have finally decided to block his number. I won't even get to see his reply or see if he replied at all.

[Lovingme81]

Let me ask you this?

 

Would you like to do some magic?

 

sure.

I wanted to add I'm home now. I blocked him so I won't be seeing his text back if he does decide to reply.

[spiderowl]

after No Contact for 11 days I texted him. I got so weak and I texted him. I have finally decided to block his number. I won't even get to see his reply or see if he replied at all.

 

Don't worry, we all get weak moments and do things like this. You can feel bound to a person even if they are not worthy of you. If they are not worthy, it's best to gradually disentangle yourself so that, bit by bit, you lose interest in them anyway. If he can't treat you with the utmost respect and care, he is not worth the attention of someone loving and decent like you. xx

[Lovingme81]

thank you. all i keep going and saying is that i wasn't perfect either. i mean I guess I'm not the most easy person to get alone with. i have flaws too...so it makes me feel bad.

[fireflywy]

Here's what you need to do. Find a place of quiet where you won't be bothered with no noise.

 

 

List your worse negative moment. Instances where he may have made you very angry and when you DIDN'T want to be with him (we all have them at one point). I want you close your eyes, relive this experience, feel the anger, sadness, or whatever of that moment, and do it from first person. Close your eyes as you do this. Once you've felt this, I want you to put a frame around it, and then project it out in front of you. Place one hand on the image.

 

Now, take an image of your ex, post it on the wall in front you as well. (Your eyes will be closed to.) Put your finger on it as well to note where it is.

 

Then reach out and grab the first image of negative experiences, taking pieces of it and conglomerating it into a swirling ball of energy in your hands. Imagine you are standing there, taking pieces of a picture and collecting them only this will be energy. You are going to put that into a ball spinning ball in your hand, note which way it turns

 

I then want you, after you've collected all of that energy from the first image and put into your ball, to Spin that that ball faster and faster, feeling your emotions grow (you will actually be moving as you do this do a shaking movement or as if you are spinning something by pushing it)

 

And when you have it moving fast, I want you to take your free hand, grab the image of your ex and SLAM it into the ball, and then throw the ball back at the wall in front of you, and post it.

 

Hopefully, if you concentrated it right, your image of your ex, and the moment are now completely associated with eachother. If you expand the image of him, you should feel angrier. If you make it smaller (use your hands as if you're expanding an image on a giant ipad) it should feel less.

 

Anytime you want to call him, just remember your wall and expand the image.

[lana-banana]

Your to-do list:

 

- Bath. Bonus points for bubble bath.

- Hot chocolate and/or herbal tea. If you can find the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Extra, get it! It's very good with honey.

- Scandal, season 2 (It's on Netflix.) Don't worry about not understanding it; it's fine.

- Bob's Burgers (also on Netflix)

- YouTube videos of screaming goats

- Online shopping on Sephora

- Make a playlist for an at-home workout to do tomorrow (lots of free home workouts at fitnessblender and other sites, check Pinterest for more)

- Pick your favorite restaurant for a meal tomorrow night and make reservations. Bring a book, newspaper, or something else to do if you are shy about eating alone.

 

Get to it! I'm watching you, young lady!