Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) Wow you are super strong if you can see he is engaged to someone else and not even care. That's amazing, really. When I read baggage reclaim I notice the things she says applies to my situation but then I let myself say "oh no thats not true with him, he's not that type of guy". Its like he used to tell me how much he isn't like this or like that and I believe him. But inside, deep down inside I tell myself I might be in denial. It sounds so stupid I know, sorta like I have some type multiple personality or something where I know something looks so obviously wrong but then I'm in denial telling myself its not wrong. Its like wtf is wrong with me? I hope that makes some type of sense. I swear I'm not crazy. edit to ask. How do you see him engaged to someone else when your relationship with him was dysfunctional. Doesn't it make you question why he couldn't treat you right like he is treating his fiance? Edited April 12, 2015 by Lovingme81 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Wow you are super strong if you can see he is engaged to someone else and not even care. How do you see him engaged to someone else when your relationship with him was dysfunctional. Doesn't it make you question why he couldn't treat you right like he is treating his fiance? 1. It's not that I don't care at all. I do care, and it brings up some emotions in me from time to time. But I was NC for a year before I found out, so I had pretty much detached from him by that point. I had done a lot of work on myself and was able to see the relationship for what it was. I didn't love him anymore, and I wouldn't have gone back to him under any circumstance. When I found out he was engaged, I mainly dealt with some residual anger, but I've been processing it in a healthy way. I felt some anger last week, but it passed. I'm no stronger than you or anyone else. I simply followed the advice on LS and Baggage Reclaim. I committed to NC and really did some work on changing myself. I really examined why I wanted to be with my ex, why I would settle for that. I took the focus off of him and put it on me. I decided I would never speak to him again and began to change myself. 2. It's interesting that you assume he treats his new fiance well. Why do you assume that? What do you define as treating someone well? Marrying the person? Does that mean his fiance is being treated well? Why do you think he has changed or done any work on himself? I know him very well, and, if she is fulfilled by who he is, more power to her. If she wants him, let them have it. I have no idea what their relationship is like, and I don't care. Whatever they have has nothing to do with what I experienced with him. I'm pretty sure that he hasn't changed one bit and still acts the same. But you know what's really nice? I don't care either way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 When I read baggage reclaim I notice the things she says applies to my situation but then I let myself say "oh no thats not true with him, he's not that type of guy". Biggest and probably the most common fallacy in relationships. The "he/she is different." "Our relationship is different." "He wouldn't do that to me because I'm different." Yet for 5 years, his actions told a different tale. What does he need to do to make you believe that he is who, deep down, you know he is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well I guess I assume if someone is willing to marry him he must be treating them well. Maybe thats dumb of me. He walked out of my apartment on March 25th. The 26th he texted it was over, I texted and called a few times that day because I wanted him to give me another chance. He didnt answer or text back so that day I stopped and I went NC. A week later he texted asking how I was. I said fine and asked him if he was sure he wanted to break up, he said yes and I went back NC, its gross that this was all done by text. So I have been pretty good with NC. I'm a human being and he should have atleast picked up the phone and called!! Called to say its over not text! I'm so angry. Now I'm beginning to cry, this isn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm a person. I had sex with him and he texts its over. I'm not **** to him? I'm garbage? I sit here and think of our first date and how perfect it was and how excited everything was and fun and then I get treated like garbage? Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well I guess I assume if someone is willing to marry him he must be treating them well. I mean zero offfense by this, but your ex treated you like sh*t, and you were with him for five years. To an outsider, it may well have looked like it was going well, because otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around. These guys are the same to every woman they get involved with. The difference is how much each woman tolerates. I used to wonder that about my ex too, how he could have other long-term relationships before us, and he wasn't willing to have one with me. Then I realized that I called him out on sh*t when his exs didn't. He wasn't rejecting me, he was rejecting the expectations I was putting on him. The next girl might just put up with his BS... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I don't take any offense to that. I'm just glad I have someone to talk to right now because I'm really down so thanks for replying. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well I guess I assume if someone is willing to marry him he must be treating them well. Maybe thats dumb of me. Why do you equate her willingness to marry him with him treating her well? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 I mean zero offfense by this, but your ex treated you like sh*t, and you were with him for five years. To an outsider, it may well have looked like it was going well, because otherwise you wouldn't have stuck around. These guys are the same to every woman they get involved with. The difference is how much each woman tolerates. I used to wonder that about my ex too, how he could have other long-term relationships before us, and he wasn't willing to have one with me. Then I realized that I called him out on sh*t when his exs didn't. He wasn't rejecting me, he was rejecting the expectations I was putting on him. The next girl might just put up with his BS... Ziggy is right. There are a ton of people out there who will put up with a lot of cr@p just to be in a relationship. I know people that put up with far worse than what I experienced. My aunt stayed with my uncle for 38 years, and he cheated on her with multiple women from very early on in the marriage. Even after their divorce, he has a harem of women who want to date him. There are many, many people with very low self-esteem and codependency issues that flock to these types of relationships. They seem to attract the dysfunction and thrive in it. Heck, I was with my ex for 3 years because I had low self-esteem and codependency issues. So I've been there, and I know what it's like. These people can always find someone to put up with their sh*t. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Honestly I don't really know. My mind is all messed up right now. I haven't really slept in like 2 weeks. I keep thinking about how exciting and fun our first date was and how much fun we had together. I'm just not in a good head space? Link to post Share on other sites
freelo Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 No, you weren't expecting too much whatsoever-you wanted what any human being would have wanted in your situation-basic decency, respect, honesty and love. You were dating someone who was way less emotionally mature than you. Next time, date a guy who is mature enough to say "I love you", show you that he loves you and will introduce you to his family and friends. How this guy treated you wasn't fair at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 No, you weren't expecting too much whatsoever-you wanted what any human being would have wanted in your situation-basic decency, respect, honesty and love. You were dating someone who was way less emotionally mature than you. Next time, date a guy who is mature enough to say "I love you", show you that he loves you and will introduce you to his family and friends. How this guy treated you wasn't fair at all. thank you. I have been here trying to read as much as I can and realize he wasn't good for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 When he would come over for a Friday night date he would stay over the night with me. I would ask him if he could spend Saturday with me and he would only say "I don't know". I would hang out with him go to breakfast and hope he would spend the rest of the day with me. He claimed almost all the time he had to go, he had things to do, he was busy. Sometime when he did have the time to spend the full day with me he would still tell me "I don't know" and just keep hanging out with me. I would ask "well does this mean we will be spending the day together" and he would still say I don't know then suggest we just go to the movies. He had me wanting to just spend time with him and would never just give me a yes, I will spend the day with you. Sometimes this even went on for the full weekend. I wouldn't get an answer if he would spend the full weekend with me. It would just happen as we go, all I wanted was an answer. I'm just getting some stuff out right now. I'm just really angry and sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 Thank you for this. Just so I know he will be able to give a different woman what she wants in a relationship if he's more into her right? He will be able to treat her right but not me because I wasn't the right one for him? Okay, I struggle with this, too. My ex was apathetic and wouldn't commit to me and was just kind-of drifting through his life, and since our break-up I have harbored fears that he will suddenly wake up, get his life together, find another woman and give her everything he couldn't or wouldn't give me. But you know that saying that if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it probably is, well, a duck, and not a swan in disguise, etc.? The thing we have to remember is that whenever we enter a person's life, and ESPECIALLY as a committed romantic partner for a significant length of time, we are getting a front-row seat on everything about that person. How they treat YOU is a direct statement about how they treat their whole life and themselves. Even someone who is absolutely delightful with acquaintances and others in their social circle but treats their partner like crap--what do you think is the true character of such a person? Someone with integrity, empathy, the ability to give and receive love, the motivation to better himself, and the maturity to take responsibility for his shortcomings will also be someone who treats you with care even if he doesn't love you. And if he realizes that he doesn't love you, he won't string you along; he'll step up and end the relationship, with humility, grace and respect. Someone with these characteristics would never demean you, or spend five years with you and shun you from his family, and mistakes they make toward you they will also take responsibility for. Only someone like this has the ability to be a truly good romantic partner, and they will try to be this with ANYONE with whom they get involved. A person who treats one person like crap, also treats others like crap. All this to say that no, your ex won't go on and be a perfect or even decent boyfriend to another woman. He will give her exactly what he gave you (and based on your story, I pity her while I celebrate your freedom from this crippled albatross of a relationship and person). Think about it: are YOU a very different person from relationship to relationship? No, right? Sure, different people and relationships bring out different parts of us, but basically we are the same. The same goes for your ex. What you saw while with him was what he has to give. You saw the REAL HIM. Knowing that, ask yourself: was that ever truly enough for you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 thank you green cove. I know it sounds cliche but I thought he was the guy I would marry. I don't know why. Clearly I was wrong. It hurts so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 thank you green cove. I know it sounds cliche but I thought he was the guy I would marry. I don't know why. Clearly I was wrong. It hurts so bad. But he didn't love you and wouldn't introduce you to his parents. After 5 years. Why would you think he would marry you? You created a fantasy of what you thought you had. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 Well I believed him when he said he just is a private person and that introducing family means nothing to him. I was dumb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 and desperate, dumb and desperate and in denial 3 three D's! Yeah!!! So stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 and don't forget dumped, he treated me poorly and he dumped me. I didn't even dump him, he dumped me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 im so pissed, i just need to post Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 is this depression? I don't want to leave the house. I'm really hungry and I just want to sit here. I keep thinking that everything that I see will remind me of us. I have to go to work tomorrow. How am I going to keep going on so sad? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 is this depression? I don't want to leave the house. I'm really hungry and I just want to sit here. I keep thinking that everything that I see will remind me of us. I have to go to work tomorrow. How am I going to keep going on so sad? I honestly don't know what to say. You were seriously delusional about the relationship you had with this guy. You said you've read the book I mentioned and read Baggage Reclaim all the time. There are so many suggestion in that book and on the website. The biggest problem is that your thinking is so warped and unhealthy. Your self-esteem is in the toilet, so you need to figure out who you are and practice some self-love. Get out and meet people. Get a hobby. Anything to start a new life after this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I don't like to "get out and meet people". I'm introverted its hard for me to even meet people. I'm so messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'm so screwed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Share Posted April 12, 2015 maybe thats why I stuck around so long because I'm so introverted that I'm afraid I won't be able to find anyone else. Its really hard for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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