He left me. He walked out.

[BC1980]

I don't get people are so harsh..why you are so harsh and you seem pissed off at me. I'm not asking you to baby me or try to sugarcoat anything but you seems so harsh. I don't know...maybe this is one of those times I'm being super sensitive but I'm pretty sure you know I'm hurting and I know I said I'm really trying but you seem to rub in over and over again that he doesn't love me and that he doesn't care. You keep repeating it like I don't know. I'm hurting. Of course I know that he doesn't care because if he did he would be here trying to make things right. I just don't know...Maybe I need a break from the this post. I'm really emotional today.

 

Okay, I've said the same things more than once, so I won't say them again. It's just extremely frustrating to see you going in circles. I guess I was trying to get through to you some way.

[Lovingme81]

I'm not mad or anything. I'm just really trying to get through this. I don't even know anymore.

[Lovingme81]

I wish you could be in my shoes for a few hours so you can see how how I try and how hurt I am. I go through so much in my life even outside of this relationship and nothing ever works out for me. Its so upsetting .

[Lovingme81]

after all the ups and downs and trying with him the thing that hurts the most is that he chooses to completely ignore me. He ignores me so well I get to thinking that his phone isn't working or something because even though the last night we spent together wasn't great you feel like I'm such garbage that ignoring me is how I should be treated? Like I'm not a human being that you were just with? You see them reaching out to you and you simply ignore them for a week? Don't tell them its over, don't say leave me alone, don't say **** off...you just ignore them? Its so awful to be ignored. I honestly feel like its almost the worst thing someone could do to you .

[lemoncello]

I'm not mad or anything. I'm just really trying to get through this. I don't even know anymore.

 

When you've been the ongoing ego-supply for a narcissist such as your boyfriend, it's only natural to feel emotionally drained, confused and insecure once you detach. It will take you some time to recover from dating a narcissist, because they are con artists, the way they use the control/validate tactic on their girlfriends (i.e. victims).

 

Ask yourself these questions: is he trying to gain control over you, or is he validating control over you? Narcissists are control freaks. Everything that has happened to you OP, happens for two reasons: 1)as a means to control you and 2) as a means for validating his control over you. That is when you ask him why, he justifies the horrible way he treats you, but his justification is self-centered and always about him getting his needs met and never you getting yours met. Does that make any sense?

[BC1980]

I wish you could be in my shoes for a few hours so you can see how how I try and how hurt I am. I go through so much in my life even outside of this relationship and nothing ever works out for me. Its so upsetting .

 

I don't know exactly how you feel because everyone is different. But I can bet that I know pretty well how you feel. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't diagnose someone. But my ex had pretty strong narcissistic tendencies. He treated me like an object that was never good enough for him. If I just dressed differently (he didn't like when I wore pants or painted my nails), or if I didn't sleep past 8 in the morning (after working a 13 hour shift). If only I didn't drink Diet Coke or like certain TV shows. If only I didn't get upset after I had a bad day at work that one time. If only I didn't take a Mucinex when I was sick because that was for wimps. If only I had walked faster in the airport when we were nearly late catching a plane. If only I had been faster when we went walking with his sister in the Montana snow. These are actual grievances that he leveled against me as to why he didn't want to be with me. I'm really not even kidding you.

 

Do you see where this is going? These people will blame you for any and everything. They will use anything against you. They will make you think it's all your fault just because of who you are. When my ex finally dumped and discarded me like trash, I was so broken that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I wanted to die. I felt like he was the only thing that mattered in my life, and I had failed to please him. Even though I felt I had done so much. I had hiked a really difficult mountain twice. I made all his favorite meals when he worked. I did all the laundry. I did the yard work when he was working all week. I didn't paint my nails. I wore more dresses. I stopped wearing makeup because that's what he liked. I drank more water. I hid my Diet Cokes around the house. I hid the books I read, and I watched my TV shows on my computer instead of the living room TV. I did all of that, but it was never going to be enough. It was never good enough because who I was, as a person, wasn't good enough for him. He didn't love me as a person because he saw me as an object.

 

I know this is going a lot into my story, but I want you to know that I get it. After he dumped me, I felt like an absolute failure. A piece of garbage. I wanted to die for 3 straight months. I used to go to sleep and wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I was a zombie at work. Then, I started reading a lot of threads on LS. I started taking advice. I went NC. I read some books on grief, and I read the blog I mentioned, Baggage Reclaim. Slowly but surely, I realized that my self-esteem was lower than low. But I was able to climb out of that hole, and, though I'm not fully healed, I am miles from where I was. I can see my ex at work, keep walking, and it doesn't affect me. He's getting married next weekend, and it doesn't upset me that much. I'm actually so glad it's not me. I have so much going on in my life that I didn't have when I was with him. It's possible to get better, but it's not easy. You have to really want it.

[fireflywy]

I wish you could be in my shoes for a few hours so you can see how how I try and how hurt I am. I go through so much in my life even outside of this relationship and nothing ever works out for me. Its so upsetting .

 

I was in your shoes for a year and half with the same desire to make it all work as you have. I had a different set of relationship circumstances to work with but I was ALSO ignored and blocked because I, for the FIRST time in my relationship with her, showed a little bit of frustratation with her. I never broke her down but that was ALL she needed to block me from contact and begin dating another guy a few weeks later and EVERYTHING I ever had was a lie, and used.

 

Oh yes, I've been in your shoes.

 

However, with that said, let's focus on you.

 

I know that thngs are so very hard right now in your life and I honestly, sincerely, wish I could help you. Being as this is a forum, I can only offer the written word with the hope you receive them.

 

You MUST get through this idea that nothing ever works out for you. You also MUST escape the guilt trap. Not everything in this relationship was your fault. He has accountability in it too. Sure you had some missteps in how you reacted to some things. Perhaps your attachment mechansims activated (people call it clingy but its actually much more then that I.e. anxious attacher) and MAYBE you reacted strongly and aggressively at times.

 

Does it hurt to think of? You bet but don't EVER forget his part of the dance and, for as cliché as it sounds, you HAVE learned fantastic lessons from this as you are becoming aware of you. In a video I watch, called "Hard Times:Motivation" one of the speakers asks people to fall forward.

Well guess what, you, by becoming aware of this, are FALLING FORWARD. You are LEARNING. You are GROWING.This experience, IF YOU LET IT AND EMBRACE ITS LESSONS instead of focusing on him (he's gone, he sounds like an a**,. You MUST let him go) WILL shape you into something better and as such will bring something wonderful into your life.

 

BELIEVE IT

 

But you have to invest in you first.

 

I ask you, to, just for an hour a day, set him aside, and learn about you. Will you do this?

 

You are an anxious attacher. Figure out why and what you can do. Read the book "Attached:The New Science of Relationships."

 

Next, I recommended a technique for you before and it was long and lengthy, so I'll recommend an easier one.

 

I want you to put a little salt in your hand the next time you get frustrated, angry, or stressed. I want you to sit in a quiet place, and FOCUS. I want you to close your eyes, say "The color of this anger, frustration, etc is blue, red, yellow, or whatever you first imagine it." And then imagine you are moving tyat color out of your body and into the salt. When you've done as much as you visualize that the salt holds, get up, throw it away. I don't care if you roll your eye and don't think it will work, just focus on nothing else for at LEAST FIVE MINUTES. (time it if you feel like its an imposition) I want you to try this at LEAST 15 times.

 

This only takes FIVE minutes. FIVE minutes is all I ask (that and read that short book.) It will help you break the stress, focus on what stresses you, and will, give you the ability to begin to remove yourself from what triggers your responses.

 

If you don't like this after giving it an HONEST 15 full five minute sessions, then look up something similar which brings awareness to you in certain situations. That way, in the future, you won't have to wonder if you "blew" it with the nxt guy (you didn't he wasn't worth it!) and will feel more confident.

 

Remember, fall forward.

 

Wish I could private message you as it sounds like you really need more verbal feedback.

Edited May 10, 2015 by fireflywy

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't get people are so harsh..why you are so harsh and you seem pissed off at me. I'm not asking you to baby me or try to sugarcoat anything but you seems so harsh. I don't know...maybe this is one of those times I'm being super sensitive but I'm pretty sure you know I'm hurting and I know I said I'm really trying but you seem to rub in over and over again that he doesn't love me and that he doesn't care. You keep repeating it like I don't know. I'm hurting. Of course I know that he doesn't care because if he did he would be here trying to make things right. I just don't know...Maybe I need a break from the this post. I'm really emotional today.

 

I think that for people who have a "super-strong sense of self" and weren't abused by their parents etc, when they hear "he didn't love you" it's actually a way for them to let go. Like, " oh well, I know that I am lovable, Mom and Dad loved me and let me know it all the time, so it's "his loss.""

 

Whereas we, the totally broken down people because our parents suck....

 

We hear " blar de blar, another reason you are so unlovable. Even this guy, who should be easy as pie to keep because he isn't invested didn't love you. See how unlovable you are. Couldn't even get this guy, who isn't a quality partner to stick around and treat you crappy."

 

But the thing is, we accept crappy partners because there is a part of us that believes we are unlovable. And it really hurts.

 

So we pick partners that aren't particularly loving towards us (except randomly enough to keep us hooked on them) because we feel deep down that we deserve it. And it frustrates us too. Because he we are investing everything into this partnership and turning ourselves into pretzels, and buddy won't commit. Because he has his own stupid issues. Not because "he's a great guy and is just evaluating the whole thing."

 

Some people abandon you when they feel like they are getting too close. Or you appear too human to them to keep at arm's length. Or they can tell that you see them as flawed. They freak and drop you. Not everyone is wired to be loving without working through a bunch of crap first.

 

You aren't "unlovable." In fact, this is really hard to comprehend (emotionally) but if you kick someone away when they start showing red flags, you won't waste your time with their BS. Then, you can start looking for more quality partners. Even if that means some alone time.

 

It sucks at first. You feel bad rejecting someone, because you know what rejection and criticism feel like for you. But it gets better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, I've said the same things more than once, so I won't say them again. It's just extremely frustrating to see you going in circles. I guess I was trying to get through to you some way.

 

Generally when someone is "going in circles" about relationship pain, I have found it to be Complex PTSD regarding relationships.

 

Look at how much OP is beating herself up over this and even trying to narrow it down to her fault in some way.

 

Really though, this guy wasn't invested. That isn't to say that he didn't have feelings for her, even strong ones. But for whatever reason he wasn't being a functional partner.

 

I don't even think he was a rational partner. That doesn't mean that he's a "bad guy" but he may not at all have been able to handle a basic relationship or figure out which things were hurtful (no matter how many times it's explained).

 

Typically, when an abused individual gets rejected on top of it all, it is even more personal. It isn't "oh heck we aren't compatible."

 

It truly feels like " there must have been something direly wrong with me to be rejected from the guy who wasn't even putting all that much into things."

 

They feel like their side of the balance is uneven. Like he gets to put in 1 g of effort and receive 1 kg of reward. Typically the abused individual is the opposite, she has to put in 10kg of effort for 1 g of reward.

 

By trying to figure out what's "wrong with her" it gives her a sense of "then I can fix it."

 

But the only thing "wrong with her' is that she paradoxically believes that there's "something wrong with her." The second she realizes it's the belief and starts to be very kind to herself and loving to herself, and compassionate towards herself and her mistakes, it will start to improve drastically.

 

Her mother has very clearly salted her wounds for decades.

 

That has a profound effect on someone. It isn't solved in a thread or in three months.

 

I would suggest EMDR therapy personally because it helped me immensely.

[BC1980]

I think that for people who have a "super-strong sense of self" and weren't abused by their parents etc, when they hear "he didn't love you" it's actually a way for them to let go. Like, " oh well, I know that I am lovable, Mom and Dad loved me and let me know it all the time, so it's "his loss.""

 

Whereas we, the totally broken down people because our parents suck....

 

We hear " blar de blar, another reason you are so unlovable. Even this guy, who should be easy as pie to keep because he isn't invested didn't love you. See how unlovable you are. Couldn't even get this guy, who isn't a quality partner to stick around and treat you crappy."

 

Yup. A thousand times over. When you don't get approval and unconditional love as a child, you will seek it elsewhere. I realized that I intentionally picked guys who were difficult to obtain. Guys that didn't really want to commit to me. I always passed up the perfectly nice men who asked me out. I wanted nothing to do with them and probably ruined a few chances at a normal relationship. The truth is that I didn't feel anyone would want me if I were 100% myself.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know exactly how you feel because everyone is different. But I can bet that I know pretty well how you feel. I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can't diagnose someone. But my ex had pretty strong narcissistic tendencies. He treated me like an object that was never good enough for him. If I just dressed differently (he didn't like when I wore pants or painted my nails), or if I didn't sleep past 8 in the morning (after working a 13 hour shift). If only I didn't drink Diet Coke or like certain TV shows. If only I didn't get upset after I had a bad day at work that one time. If only I didn't take a Mucinex when I was sick because that was for wimps. If only I had walked faster in the airport when we were nearly late catching a plane. If only I had been faster when we went walking with his sister in the Montana snow. These are actual grievances that he leveled against me as to why he didn't want to be with me. I'm really not even kidding you.

 

Do you see where this is going? These people will blame you for any and everything. They will use anything against you. They will make you think it's all your fault just because of who you are. When my ex finally dumped and discarded me like trash, I was so broken that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I wanted to die. I felt like he was the only thing that mattered in my life, and I had failed to please him. Even though I felt I had done so much. I had hiked a really difficult mountain twice. I made all his favorite meals when he worked. I did all the laundry. I did the yard work when he was working all week. I didn't paint my nails. I wore more dresses. I stopped wearing makeup because that's what he liked. I drank more water. I hid my Diet Cokes around the house. I hid the books I read, and I watched my TV shows on my computer instead of the living room TV. I did all of that, but it was never going to be enough. It was never good enough because who I was, as a person, wasn't good enough for him. He didn't love me as a person because he saw me as an object.

 

I know this is going a lot into my story, but I want you to know that I get it. After he dumped me, I felt like an absolute failure. A piece of garbage. I wanted to die for 3 straight months. I used to go to sleep and wish I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I was a zombie at work. Then, I started reading a lot of threads on LS. I started taking advice. I went NC. I read some books on grief, and I read the blog I mentioned, Baggage Reclaim. Slowly but surely, I realized that my self-esteem was lower than low. But I was able to climb out of that hole, and, though I'm not fully healed, I am miles from where I was. I can see my ex at work, keep walking, and it doesn't affect me. He's getting married next weekend, and it doesn't upset me that much. I'm actually so glad it's not me. I have so much going on in my life that I didn't have when I was with him. It's possible to get better, but it's not easy. You have to really want it.

 

It's actually kind of funny when you get to the "oh thank goodness it's not me" stage.

 

With my current husband and all of the pain he's caused, one night I thought, what if I see him out with another woman, just in passing or something?

 

Then all of a sudden waves of relief washed over me. I was like, "well then I would be absolutely free with no guilt whatsoever. Even my church would completely absolve me of responsibility for that. No ambiguity. Oh goodness. Where is she?"

 

Then I thought, wouldn't that be something if I walked up and gave them both a big hug.

 

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Yup. A thousand times over. When you don't get approval and unconditional love as a child, you will seek it elsewhere. I realized that I intentionally picked guys who were difficult to obtain. Guys that didn't really want to commit to me. I always passed up the perfectly nice men who asked me out. I wanted nothing to do with them and probably ruined a few chances at a normal relationship. The truth is that I didn't feel anyone would want me if I were 100% myself.

 

 

I suppose all the "he doesn't care about you"s come from you relating to this situation. I thought your posts here seemed a little more direct than in other parts of the forum, that I've seen anyway. In any case, thanks for sharing a bit of your story. It really sheds light on the issues at hand.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was in your shoes for a year and half with the same desire to make it all work as you have. I had a different set of relationship circumstances to work with but I was ALSO ignored and blocked because I, for the FIRST time in my relationship with her, showed a little bit of frustratation with her. I never broke her down but that was ALL she needed to block me from contact and begin dating another guy a few weeks later and EVERYTHING I ever had was a lie, and used.

 

Oh yes, I've been in your shoes.

 

However, with that said, let's focus on you.

 

I know that thngs are so very hard right now in your life and I honestly, sincerely, wish I could help you. Being as this is a forum, I can only offer the written word with the hope you receive them.

 

You MUST get through this idea that nothing ever works out for you. You also MUST escape the guilt trap. Not everything in this relationship was your fault. He has accountability in it too. Sure you had some missteps in how you reacted to some things. Perhaps your attachment mechansims activated (people call it clingy but its actually much more then that I.e. anxious attacher) and MAYBE you reacted strongly and aggressively at times.

 

Does it hurt to think of? You bet but don't EVER forget his part of the dance and, for as cliché as it sounds, you HAVE learned fantastic lessons from this as you are becoming aware of you. In a video I watch, called "Hard Times:Motivation" one of the speakers asks people to fall forward.

Well guess what, you, by becoming aware of this, are FALLING FORWARD. You are LEARNING. You are GROWING.This experience, IF YOU LET IT AND EMBRACE ITS LESSONS instead of focusing on him (he's gone, he sounds like an a**,. You MUST let him go) WILL shape you into something better and as such will bring something wonderful into your life.

 

BELIEVE IT

 

But you have to invest in you first.

 

I ask you, to, just for an hour a day, set him aside, and learn about you. Will you do this?

 

You are an anxious attacher. Figure out why and what you can do. Read the book "Attached:The New Science of Relationships."

 

Next, I recommended a technique for you before and it was long and lengthy, so I'll recommend an easier one.

 

I want you to put a little salt in your hand the next time you get frustrated, angry, or stressed. I want you to sit in a quiet place, and FOCUS. I want you to close your eyes, say "The color of this anger, frustration, etc is blue, red, yellow, or whatever you first imagine it." And then imagine you are moving tyat color out of your body and into the salt. When you've done as much as you visualize that the salt holds, get up, throw it away. I don't care if you roll your eye and don't think it will work, just focus on nothing else for at LEAST FIVE MINUTES. (time it if you feel like its an imposition) I want you to try this at LEAST 15 times.

 

This only takes FIVE minutes. FIVE minutes is all I ask (that and read that short book.) It will help you break the stress, focus on what stresses you, and will, give you the ability to begin to remove yourself from what triggers your responses.

 

If you don't like this after giving it an HONEST 15 full five minute sessions, then look up something similar which brings awareness to you in certain situations. That way, in the future, you won't have to wonder if you "blew" it with the nxt guy (you didn't he wasn't worth it!) and will feel more confident.

 

Remember, fall forward.

 

Wish I could private message you as it sounds like you really need more verbal feedback.

 

It is really amazing how imbalanced some people can be.

 

In fact, I literally do EVERYTHING in my marriage. I go above and beyond. He doesn't even put his garbage in the can.

 

One of the coping skills I developed was to write emails/texts venting my frustrations and then not send them. Well, one morning I wrote one. Quite the text actually.

 

I put my phone down to get my daughter ready, picked it back up and it said that the text was sent 3 mins earlier!

 

Well. Wow. That was something. It really was a long-deserved text. But I think it really shocked him. He had left for weeks by that point and hadn't sent us any money or been in much contact with our daughter. Then that morning he texted me some garbage about being "a responsible parent."

 

As in sarcastically suggesting that I wasn't.

 

He wasn't even present in any form for our daughter, wasn't giving me any support money for about 4-6 weeks by that point. I paid rent with $0.51 left over.

 

I lost it. Via text.

 

I swear in ten years no text or email has ever sent before then.

I felt really awful at first that he read me tearing him down so badly about his parenting and lack of effort overall. But later I started thinking, well, you know..... someone should really say it. Even if it wasn't the right way to say it. I tried the right way for years. I tried the "soft startup" the "Mars and Venus Conflict" blar de blar. Lots of stuff, lots of times.

 

He might not have felt very good about what I had to say. But after insulting me directly for years, maybe that wasn't the worst thing to do.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yup. A thousand times over. When you don't get approval and unconditional love as a child, you will seek it elsewhere. I realized that I intentionally picked guys who were difficult to obtain. Guys that didn't really want to commit to me. I always passed up the perfectly nice men who asked me out. I wanted nothing to do with them and probably ruined a few chances at a normal relationship. The truth is that I didn't feel anyone would want me if I were 100% myself.

 

Mine was the opposite. He really really tuned into me and hid his real self for YEARS.

 

He was VERY GOOD at hiding things because his mother is SO crazy and SO invasive that he developed lots of skills for doing so.

 

I honestly thought he was the ideal husband. I thought I was "so so lucky" that I found such a happy, well-adjusted guy.

 

But once the mask slipped, he completely wrecked.

 

He is so dependent on admiration instead of being a person of substance, that he absolutely crumbled. Total bait and switch.

 

I would feel more sorry for him if it didn't drag our five year old into it.

[fireflywy]

Yup. A thousand times over. When you don't get approval and unconditional love as a child, you will seek it elsewhere. I realized that I intentionally picked guys who were difficult to obtain. Guys that didn't really want to commit to me. I always passed up the perfectly nice men who asked me out. I wanted nothing to do with them and probably ruined a few chances at a normal relationship. The truth is that I didn't feel anyone would want me if I were 100% myself.

 

I don't know if you're an anxious attached, but if you are, this is exactly what they do. The anxious attacher is most drawn to what is known as the love avoidant. The anxious attacher has a subconscious view that eventually love will leave or not accept them. This belief makes then work very hard to make a relationship work and find a connection and they become super self conscious about their actions. When they meet a love avoidant, the anxious have their attachment mechanisms activated on steroids when the love avoidant withdraws, thus reaffirming their world view that they aren't accepted but must try HARDER.

 

Conversely, the love avoidant has developed an attachment style which says that people are out to control them or become too possessive and that they themselves can't find love because everyone is out draw their feelings and emotions which they repressed during childhood (often called cold people) However, like any human they still want love and attention even though they are not as capable and secure as showing it. So they are drawn to the anxious attachers (the love avoidants are also known to be narcissistic to some degree because they seek supreme independence and have come to only rely on themselves) who activate their need to be closer to the love avoidant which reinforces the love avoidants view that while they want love and attention, they feel people are out to control them and the love avoidant activates their detachment mechanisms whereby they distance themselves, devalue, criticize, cut off heir partner or idealize PAST relationships or persons as better.

 

This is often why anxious attachers, people who feel unable to be loved, are drawn to emotionally unavailable people whose distance send their attachment mechanisms into overdrive and vice versa.

 

Once you figure this out, you will learn how to sift through people immediately and find someone who has a secure attachment. However, beware that even if you are a more secure attacher, the love avoidant may make you become a more anxious one over time.

Edited May 10, 2015 by fireflywy

[BC1980]

I suppose all the "he doesn't care about you"s come from you relating to this situation. I thought your posts here seemed a little more direct than in other parts of the forum, that I've seen anyway. In any case, thanks for sharing a bit of your story. It really sheds light on the issues at hand.

 

I think I may have been a bit harsh on the OP because my situation was so similar. My ex once told me, "I really do believe that I love you" with this perplexed look on his face. He once even told me "I don't accept you the way you are," and I set out on a mission to make him accept me. I'm cringing so bad right now. I just feel like I'm watching myself a few years ago when I read the posts.