Author Lovingme81 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 you guys think a big reason he left was because I was too emotional? One time me and my mom got into a huge fight and when I came home from work all I could do was cry. I cried so hard, I couldn't stop. He was there and he tried to comfort me but I was so hurt because my mom pointed out that he would never be with me in a real way because he wouldn't introduce me to his family and it made me cry and cry. He got mad that I kept crying. I'm embarrassed about all these things I did in front of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 everything is my fault. The reason this failed is my fault. I can't stop blaming myself. I'm trying to stop contacting again , Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 you guys think a big reason he left was because I was too emotional? One time me and my mom got into a huge fight and when I came home from work all I could do was cry. I cried so hard, I couldn't stop. He was there and he tried to comfort me but I was so hurt because my mom pointed out that he would never be with me in a real way because he wouldn't introduce me to his family and it made me cry and cry. He got mad that I kept crying. I'm embarrassed about all these things I did in front of him. Ugh, he has an attachment problem. OKay? Guys that get really mad when their girlfriend cries lack empathy and usually attachment. They tend to feel threatened by attachment and he probably ISN't too close to his family. Stop it already. You want it to be your fault so it would have been something you could apologize and change then he could come back. But it isn't your fault and he treated you ****ty. Stop making yourself helpless so that he will come back and take care of you. He won't because he's ****ed-up and insensitive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 By going after him, you are only avoiding taking care of you. I guarantee you that 80-90% of your heartbreak is that you aren't taking care of yourself. You are totally abusing yourself by blaming yourself and for having accepted this treatment for years. Because that's how you see yourself. You are an object of abuse and feel worthless without him around. If you invested even 10% of the energy you invested into thinking about him and trying to analyze it to death into thinking of ways that you could be nice to you......well you'd be healed by now. BE NICE TO YOU. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 everything is my fault. The reason this failed is my fault. I can't stop blaming myself. He didn't love you. There's nothing you could have ever done to change that. There's nothing you did or said (or didn't do or say) that would have ever changed that fact. You can't make a person love you. You can't make them love you enough to want to say or be an acceptable partner. It doesn't work like that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 everything is my fault. The reason this failed is my fault. I can't stop blaming myself. He didn't love you. There's nothing you could have ever done to change that. There's nothing you did or said (or didn't do or say) that would have ever changed that fact. You can't make a person love you. You can't make them love you enough to want to say or be an acceptable partner. It doesn't work like that. Well truth is, we will never know for sure how he felt. We do know that he's a jackass. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ugh, he has an attachment problem. OKay? Guys that get really mad when their girlfriend cries lack empathy and usually attachment. They tend to feel threatened by attachment and he probably ISN't too close to his family. This is good advice. OP, I once had a horrendous day at work and came home crying. Once in three years. My ex just looked at me like I was a drama queen, and I've never been accused of that in my life. Most people accuse me of being entirely too laid back and unaffected by most situations. I think I can probably count on one hand the times I cried to him in 3 years, and yet he constantly insinuated that I was too dramatic, too emotional, and too impulsive. It's abusive, and it's not the way a relationship should be. If you have to be worried to show any negative emotion, then that person isn't for you. My ex had severely warped attachments issues, and he simply didn't attach. He was so scared of any negative emotion from anyone that he bolted and ran at the first sign of it. He abused his son in the same was he abused me and talked about family members the same way. Crying after you had a bad day at work is okay. I promise it's okay, and, if you are with someone who would leave you over that, I say good riddance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 He tried though. He took me out to dinner afterwards and had flowers for me. These are the things I think about, the good things. He did get mad but I'm thinking maybe I was just too negative and dramatic? I don't know, thats what my mom told me. Thats whats bothering me. The good times, the fun times. How do I not think about that. We did have good times. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 He tried though. He took me out to dinner afterwards and had flowers for me. These are the things I think about, the good things. He did get mad but I'm thinking maybe I was just too negative and dramatic? I don't know, thats what my mom told me. Thats whats bothering me. The good times, the fun times. How do I not think about that. We did have good times. Of course you did. Endings are sad. Even when you know that they need to happen. When's the last time you've had 'a good time' with just you? That's not a euphemism. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 This is good advice. OP, I once had a horrendous day at work and came home crying. Once in three years. My ex just looked at me like I was a drama queen, and I've never been accused of that in my life. Most people accuse me of being entirely too laid back and unaffected by most situations. I think I can probably count on one hand the times I cried to him in 3 years, and yet he constantly insinuated that I was too dramatic, too emotional, and too impulsive. It's abusive, and it's not the way a relationship should be. If you have to be worried to show any negative emotion, then that person isn't for you. My ex had severely warped attachments issues, and he simply didn't attach. He was so scared of any negative emotion from anyone that he bolted and ran at the first sign of it. He abused his son in the same was he abused me and talked about family members the same way. Crying after you had a bad day at work is okay. I promise it's okay, and, if you are with someone who would leave you over that, I say good riddance. My husband literally left for days and weeks if I got upset or we had an argument. it's ****ed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 I swear I am trying. I really am. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Ugh, he has an attachment problem. OKay? Guys that get really mad when their girlfriend cries lack empathy and usually attachment. They tend to feel threatened by attachment and he probably ISN't too close to his family. Stop it already. You want it to be your fault so it would have been something you could apologize and change then he could come back. But it isn't your fault and he treated you ****ty. Stop making yourself helpless so that he will come back and take care of you. He won't because he's ****ed-up and insensitive. This. Right here. Why are you having such a hard time accepting the fact that he's just an as*hole? I mean that seriously. I know it's hard to accept that you were with him for so long, and on some level you knew that he was no good. But its time to set that aside. Yes, it would have been better if you broke it off as soon as he started pulling his sh*t. But you didn't, and that's ok, you're doing what's best for you NOW. Focus on what you're doing right, you can't go back and undo any of this. You're sticking up for yourself and not present for any of his crap anymore. That's huge. That's something to be proud of, that first step can be the hardest. And stop listening to your mom. That woman is just as toxic as him. I know you aren't able to avoid her entirely, but do it as much as possible. The fact that she would not only condone his behavior but would make it your fault is despicable. It is absolutely wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 sorry, as you can probably tell I think a lot. I have a habit of over thinking everything. I have anxiety issues so my mind races a lot. I guess what I'm over thinking is that you all only have my side of the story so I feel like I'm being unfair. I hope that makes sense. I'm not saying that you all are wrong I'm just saying that I think a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Oh, I understand overthinking, believe me! And I'm sorry if what I say makes you feel bad. I never meant to do that, it just kills me sometimes to read some of what you write, how he has made you feel. And you know what? Those of us who have been with this type of guy don't need his side of the story. We know exactly what he's about, and how he operates. That's why I personally am so emotionally involved, I had to fight my way out of something very similar, and it hurts to see where I used to be reflected in you. I can't tell you enough that he is at fault here. You are not one bit, you didn't do anything to deserve this. We're here for you, we don't care about his side one little bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 He tried though. He took me out to dinner afterwards and had flowers for me. These are the things I think about, the good things. He did get mad but I'm thinking maybe I was just too negative and dramatic? I don't know, thats what my mom told me. Thats whats bothering me. The good times, the fun times. How do I not think about that. We did have good times. Okay, but taking you to dinner and getting you flowers doesn't make up for not saying "I love you" in 5 years. All relationships have their good times. No relationship is all good or all bad. No person is all good or all bad. But there are certain deal breakers, and it no longer matters how much good there is or has been in the past. I don't care if he buys you flowers everyday. If he can't say "I love you," the relationship can't continue. It's okay to miss the good times and to grieve the good times. I also had to give myself permission to do that, but it doesn't mean that the relationship is going to work. You have to look at the overall picture, as difficult and as sad as that may be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 He did get mad but I'm thinking maybe I was just too negative and dramatic? I don't know, thats what my mom told me. I mean, if you're in a relationship and the person can't say "I love you" or introduce you to family, then I don't know how you aren't going to be dramatic or negative. I think that would take a toll on anyone. The thing to do now is to figure out how to avoid that type of situation in the future. You chose to stay, so you have to own that. You aren't a victim, but this can he a huge opportunity for growth. Don't get caught up in the victim mentality, but, instead, try to empower yourself and realize you have choices. Step 1, you can choose to cut him out of your life for good because he doesn't have your best interests at heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 You guys are right thank you so much for being here. The weekend is rough and I think that is why I broke nc on friday. I regretted it a lot but at least I blocked him and I'm human so I will make mistakes. I won't be contacting him. I will post here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 I messed up by staying so I know I'm not a victim. I just should have left. I really loved him a lot so I stayed. I shouldn't have stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I messed up by staying so I know I'm not a victim. I just should have left. I really loved him a lot so I stayed. I shouldn't have stayed. And if you did not stay with him, you would most likely be bathing in the "what if I stayed" scenarios in your head. At least you know it would have ended. You're going to question yourself regardless of what you did, take your past in stride and keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 My husband literally left for days and weeks if I got upset or we had an argument. it's ****ed. He would ignore me No calling me or texting me for a week when we argued sometimes. It would make me so upset that I would keep calling and texting then he would text back after a week and go back like nothing happened. He said it was a way to calm down because he wasn't happy. He did it a week after my dad died too. I wasn't close to my dad but I was upset that he died and we got into an argument. I went off saying I wasn't loved and he wasn't treating me fair so he hung up on me and ignored me for a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 I stayed home from work and I feel awful because of it. I can't leave my bed. my dreams tortured me all night. Link to post Share on other sites
Fufu Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 you guys think a big reason he left was because I was too emotional? One time me and my mom got into a huge fight and when I came home from work all I could do was cry. I cried so hard, I couldn't stop. He was there and he tried to comfort me but I was so hurt because my mom pointed out that he would never be with me in a real way because he wouldn't introduce me to his family and it made me cry and cry. He got mad that I kept crying. I'm embarrassed about all these things I did in front of him. my dear, please stop taking all the blame yourself. I'm an emotional person and I can be very emotional too. It's not because of your emotions that he left, the way he treated you wasn't even with basic respect. Please tell yourself after this experience, you want to be a strong woman. Trust me, you don't need a man to be 100% truly happy. Gain that confidence back, trust yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Is it really bad that I called out of work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Now I feel like I made the right choice staying home today. Link to post Share on other sites
hestheone66 Posted April 21, 2015 Share Posted April 21, 2015 I haven't read all 15 pages but it sounds like he has NPD... these people are emotional vampires who cannot love others, but use them. They cannot change. . They are good at charming but are hollow shells. They attract high empathy individuals as we give them the benefit of the doubt..trust .me you feel *relieved once the habit/addiction phase of your attachment wears off... I had one that took me 12 years to finally realise the truth tgat was apparent to everyone else. After healing on my own for about 18 months I foubd a man who is concerned with showering me with kindness and affection.. at peace Link to post Share on other sites
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