Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Left a couple things out. We met 2 times before that last meet up. The first meet up he took me to dinner it was great we had fun. 2nd was Brunch but he had to leave after brunch to go to work. It was Sunday and one of his co workers was retiring so he had to turn in his uniform and stuff. Then the last meet up was the one above. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Sorry but he's done with your relationship. If he wanted to contact you or reply to your messages, he would have found the time. The military does demand a lot of your time, but in a whole week he couldn't find two minutes to text you? He's done. He probably met with you to ease his guilt. Regardless, go back to no contact and walk away knowing you tried. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 So let me get this straight? You want to go back to a relationship where the guy doesn't love you. It's been 5 years, and he still doesn't love you. I can't even get past that part. Forget all the other cr@p. I can't get past the idea of staying with a person who doesn't love you. I can't imagine how low your self-esteem must be to chase after a man who doesn't love you. For 5 freaking years. To run after this man and beg at his feet for any crumbs he has to offer. I'm dumbfounded. You need a harsh reality check. You insist on clinging to this pseudo relationship, and you don't want to get better. I mean, 5 years wasted with this guy. Good luck. You're definitely going to need it. There's really nothing more I can say to help you unless you want to drop him. OP, you really deserve so much more, but, as much as we can offer you advice, we can't save you from yourself. You have to want to get better. At this point, you are causing yourself pain. Time to take responsibility for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He probably met with you to ease his guilt. He probably wanted to get laid before he went off for military training. I do give the OP credit for not having sex with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 He probably wanted to get laid before he went off for military training. I do give the OP credit for not having sex with him. Yes, I agree. I read that part differently I guess. I was thinking HE didn't want sex. But with lack of context to that encounter and my apparent optimism to the situation... thanks for pointing that out lol. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Yes, I agree. I read that part differently I guess. I was thinking HE didn't want sex. But with lack of context to that encounter and my apparent optimism to the situation... thanks for pointing that out lol. Oh, I'm not saying I'm right. I guess I just don't understand why he still meets up with the OP. He's getting something from it. My guess it sex because I don't see what else he gains from this arrangement. I'm trying to think, from a guy's POV, why hang around for 5 years with a woman he doesn't love and won't introduce to his family. Honestly, sex is the only thing I can come up with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Thanks everybody for replying. I needed to vent on what happened. I appreciate your help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I been up all night. I felt like the reason we broke up was my fault with my temper I yell and stuff. I wanted to fix it. Then he said that he is not close to him family so it made me feel better. I'm much more stupid than I thouhgt I a was. I thought he loved me but just didn't say it because he said he shows it. I been up all night then this morning I'm working from home. I'm 100% miserable. We had sex on the first and 2nd meet up but not the last one. I feel impossible to be with. I messed up our last meet up. I mess everything up...its like I'm just an idiot. I really want to die but I can't kill myself because I'm too chicken. My whole life is horrible, not even just the romantic part either. I'm so alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I'm back. I talked to my mom. I told her everything. Maybe I needed someone to talk to in my life. Of course she says that I am too clingy and my temper runs people away but I do try. She knows that at least...she see's that I try. I know I make mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I been up all night. I felt like the reason we broke up was my fault with my temper I yell and stuff. I wanted to fix it. Then he said that he is not close to him family so it made me feel better. I'm much more stupid than I thouhgt I a was. I thought he loved me but just didn't say it because he said he shows it. I been up all night then this morning I'm working from home. I'm 100% miserable. We had sex on the first and 2nd meet up but not the last one. I feel impossible to be with. I messed up our last meet up. I mess everything up...its like I'm just an idiot. I really want to die but I can't kill myself because I'm too chicken. My whole life is horrible, not even just the romantic part either. I'm so alone. Seriously, does it even matter why it won't work at this point? This relationship does not work and is not going to work. There's no need to dissect it any further. You can't make him love you. You can't make him want to be with you. There is nothing you can or can't do. You need to let this go for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I get that. But I need to post here. I need to say how I feel. If I don't I feel like I'm going to do something bad to myself or something. I need to post and talk to people Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 i guess you can say that I'm trying to stay together. I gotta work and mothers day is tomorrow and i have to be around a bunch of people. I'm worried , my anxiety is ****. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I get that. But I need to post here. I need to say how I feel. If I don't I feel like I'm going to do something bad to myself or something. I need to post and talk to people I agree. This place is great for posting what you feel when you have no one else to go to. Sometimes, people in your life, no matter how great they are, get exhausted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 yeah and I can't even blame them. Its hard listening to me go through I know even for you guys here on this board. I just feel like a damn fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Hugs, Lovingme81. I haven't read your entire thread, but on this page, you've mentioned your temper a couple of times. You have been trying but, at this point, are you identifying that the biggest problem -- or one of the biggest problems -- is that you haven't yet been successful in gaining control over yourself in those situations that trigger your anger/rage (temper)? Given that you've been working on it, you likely already know that those types of feelings arise when the outside world fails (people, events, circumstances fail) to live up to our expectations, standards, needs, requirements. Is that accurate for you, also...or does it happen in a different way or for different reasons? (Maybe if you can uncover what is really going on "underneath", as it were, then you will give yourself a higher chance for your success?) Of course, if this doesn't feel like an avenue worth exploring, then please just ignore/reject it. In any case, sending you lots of good vibes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 my temper gets bad when I feel like someone is disrespecting me. Not listening to me etc. So yes you can say its when the outside world isn't treating me fairly. I know there is never an excuse to yell or anything but I really try. Its so hard when I feel like someone is hurting me and not listening to me, disrespecting me and then I get upset. Honestly what happens mostly is my voice raises and I want to talk...talk it through. With my ex I just feel like I was sitting across from him that last time together trying to talk it through. Not raising my voice and he was telling me it was "bulls**" I didn't use one single curse word with him and he was telling me that me not losing my temper in that moment was *bullshi* that I was rolling my eyes and being sarcastic but I wasn't I was genuinely trying to talk to him. I just don't understand how I can know I'm trying to talk to someone calmly and they are accusing me of being combative...I just don't understand it . Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 I just don't understand how I can know I'm trying to talk to someone calmly and they are accusing me of being combative...I just don't understand it . I'm not sure but...are you saying that you do not understand that people have flaws, failings and shortcomings? That people make mistakes, misinterpret things, or are just plain stupid or rude or ignorant or arrogant. In any case. That actually happened to me recently -- someone kept trying to change my own truth -- good luck with that! (is what I thought.) Not worth my time or energy to try to change their mind/misinterpretation. Meaning...the WRONG or inaccurate stuff that other people think about us, or think that they know about us...so what? It's only their own arrogance and ignorance that we are seeing; it says nothing at all about us, and it does not change our OWN truth that we know about ourselves! If YOU know your own truth, then what difference if someone else isn't getting it? How does what THEY do or say or think, inherently change you or change your truth? No matter what's going on for them, YOU are still the same person, yes? So, you can -- you DO have the power, authority, control and option to just say, "Sure...whatever. Keep your own wrong crap in your head. It does NOT actually affect me." If there are people who you perceive are continually disrespecting you or not listening to you...why not just realize that they do not deserve your friendship, your company, your goodwill? (And...are you sure, 100%, that your own perception is always accurate? Same as they can be wrong about you, your behaviour, your intentions...you can be equally wrong about them, no? What if they are NOT actually trying to disrespect you? At least, not ALWAYS doing that, even though you are perceiving it?) Maybe these will not feel like good ideas/strategies for you to at least try and, if they work, adopt...and if so, then there is something else out there that WILL work for you. I could only encourage you to keep looking, because I know how frustrating can be a life lived in this type of "energy" or "dynamic" or whatever we'd call it. I get that you're trying, Lovingme81. But there is also room for you to come up higher in your own heart-mind so that YOU become the ONLY one who has power, authority and control over your own truth and your own feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh I totally understand that I could be misinterpreting someone, I strugggle with that all the time because I'm very sensitive so someone could say something to me innocently and I can see them as being mean or hurtful but I really try to watch it because I know I'm very sensitive. I'm 33 and I'm just now trying to sort all of this out with being overly sensitive and negative. I tried with this guy. I really feel like I tried but now I'm thinking that he hates me because I have a crappy personality but I really try. It just sucks that I couldn't make it work. I really didn't want to fail at this. I wanted it to work, and I see its not working and it kills me. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 my temper gets bad when I feel like someone is disrespecting me. Not listening to me etc. So yes you can say its when the outside world isn't treating me fairly. I know there is never an excuse to yell or anything but I really try. Its so hard when I feel like someone is hurting me and not listening to me, disrespecting me and then I get upset. Honestly what happens mostly is my voice raises and I want to talk...talk it through. With my ex I just feel like I was sitting across from him that last time together trying to talk it through. Not raising my voice and he was telling me it was "bulls**" I didn't use one single curse word with him and he was telling me that me not losing my temper in that moment was *bullshi* that I was rolling my eyes and being sarcastic but I wasn't I was genuinely trying to talk to him. I just don't understand how I can know I'm trying to talk to someone calmly and they are accusing me of being combative...I just don't understand it . You blame yourself quite a bit. I think the answer is that you two are simply incompatible. If I were with someone who didn't love me, wouldn't introduce me to family, and who disappeared, I'd be pretty darn mad. Anger sounds like a natural reaction. The problem is that you can't fix any of these issues. He's not amenable to working through these problems, so you continue in anger. The best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation and from the source of anger. You can't change him. You can't be nice enough, do enough things, or say the right thing to make him love you, introduce you to his family, or keep in contact when he leaves. It's not on you. The relationship is what it is, and it's not going to change. You have two choices. Stay in this half-baked sham of a relationship and continue to be depressed and angry. Continue to blame and shame yourself for normal human reactions. OR you can leave and never look back. You will still have to go through the sadness, anger, and blame. But at least there will be light at the end of the tunnel. At least you can work towards a goal by processing these emotions and finally moving on to a new and better life. Right now, you beg at this man's table for a scrap of something to validate you. He is the be all and end all for you. He is the sole validator of you. That is so warped. The man doesn't even love you. I know I harp on that fact, but get real. At most, the man likes to string you along for sex and companionship. No more, no less. Why is that okay with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh I totally understand that I could be misinterpreting someone, I strugggle with that all the time because I'm very sensitive so someone could say something to me innocently and I can see them as being mean or hurtful but I really try to watch it because I know I'm very sensitive. I'm 33 and I'm just now trying to sort all of this out with being overly sensitive and negative. I tried with this guy. I really feel like I tried but now I'm thinking that he hates me because I have a crappy personality but I really try. It just sucks that I couldn't make it work. I really didn't want to fail at this. I wanted it to work, and I see its not working and it kills me. What about his responsibility in all of this? How does he contribute to the failure or success of the relationship? I'll tell you how. Nothing. Because he doesn't care. He could freaking care less because he can do what he wants, and he knows you will be begging for him back each time he disappears. He has next to zero investment in you. I don't know that I need to say to pound that concept into your head. HE DOES NOT CARE. If you never spoke to him again, he would not care. He would go on with his life and rarely think of you. So why are you fighting for this cr@p? You are one person fighting for something that the other person does not value. Of course, you failed. This was destined to fail. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 Oh, I'm not saying I'm right. I guess I just don't understand why he still meets up with the OP. He's getting something from it. My guess it sex because I don't see what else he gains from this arrangement. I'm trying to think, from a guy's POV, why hang around for 5 years with a woman he doesn't love and won't introduce to his family. Honestly, sex is the only thing I can come up with. It's about "Narcissistic Supply" Watch some Sam Vaknin videos on youtube. It so fits this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 (edited) I'm 33 and I'm just now trying to sort all of this out with being overly sensitive and negative Well...overcoming such a long time (let's say 15 to 18 years) of outpicturing a so-called "negative" outer personality is NOT going to happen overnight. You will need to keep experimenting and practicing. To think-believe otherwise will hold you back. Instead. You can be proud that you've started, and then you must simply make the decision to learn all that you can from your first experiment. Going into a downward spiral of self-blame and self-pity is NOT going to get you where you want to go...so, take control of yourself and tell that part of you to stop. Promise yourself that you are going to slow down in your thinking-and-feeling process so that, when you start to feel "disrespected", you will have the 'space' (in your mind) to take a breath and put on your big-girl panties. If you're then still unsure about the person's motives, ASK them instead of just jumping to a negative conclusion -- and then trust/believe what they tell you. This is NOTHING MORE than you would like others to do to you. Having a hair-trigger temper is being volatile; it's NOT the same as being a 'sensitive' (emotionally gentle/harmless) person. Unless we mean "sensitive like TNT" . It's your free-will choice to walk around with a "the-guy-hates-me-now" chip on your shoulder. It sounds like he was merely turned-off by THAT PART of your personality -- just the one part -- for which "being offended" was the norm, and that used to think-believe that it is okay to blow-up at people every time it didn't get it's own way. If you are honest with yourself, YOU are equally turned off by that type of behaviour. Who isn't, really? You come across as a strong person, and I really appreciate you for that. Edited May 9, 2015 by Ronni_W Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 I don't get people are so harsh..why you are so harsh and you seem pissed off at me. I'm not asking you to baby me or try to sugarcoat anything but you seems so harsh. I don't know...maybe this is one of those times I'm being super sensitive but I'm pretty sure you know I'm hurting and I know I said I'm really trying but you seem to rub in over and over again that he doesn't love me and that he doesn't care. You keep repeating it like I don't know. I'm hurting. Of course I know that he doesn't care because if he did he would be here trying to make things right. I just don't know...Maybe I need a break from the this post. I'm really emotional today. Link to post Share on other sites
walkingonair Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 ill try to call, im embarrassed. I'm trying to make it till 5. time is going so slow. Please don't text him!I'm going through the same thing.If you want to talk we can talk about it:) Do you have google chat? If so mine is pillowhome87 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 It's about "Narcissistic Supply" Watch some Sam Vaknin videos on youtube. It so fits this thread. I agree. I have to question why he would stick around because he gets something out of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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