He left me. He walked out.

[Jonp219]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you're experiencing right now. I know, I was there too, you can ask any daily poster on this site about my dramatic episodes on these threads when I first came to this forum. Break-ups are excruciating, we feel like we left our very being within the soul of that person. We trusted them with our love, our secrets, our time, and at the end they take all of it and run away with it. You feel like there should be some kind of law that prevents another human being from abandoning you when you're in love with them. You feel like a crime was commit towards, like a homicide on your very soul.

 

My world came crashing down when my ex broke up with me, especially since I felt like i'm the one who caused it. Since I was 11 I've suffered from depression and anxiety issues. Since then, I've made half hearten attempts to control my issues, all to no avail. I took all that baggage into my previous relationship and she stood by me, she fought for me, and she supported me all the way through. However, my insecurities and the jealously was always there. I was scared, I was paranoid, I didn't want to lose her and at the end that's exactly what happened (self-fulfilling prophecy).

 

Two months later, I still miss her. Not as much as before, but its because I've done alot to get my mind right the last 2 months. I've been focusing on school, I've been reading alot, I've been doing yoga, I've been attending therapy, and i've been doing some soul-searching. Did all these things make me stop missing her? No. Did it make me realize that I matter? Yes, absolutely. I matter, just like you matter, and i'm not saying that as a poster on this site, but as a friend who knows what that pain feels like! The mornings are absolute worst, you feel that pain right at the pit of your heart. But as time rolls by, the pain gets less intense, and your days will get a little brighter.

 

What your feeling right now is absolutely normal, hell there would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel this way. From time to time I still get those moments at work where I break down and cry, I had one last week. It was the warmest day of the year, and all I could think about is how we use to go to the park in the summers and walk around cracking jokes with one another. The memory of those moments brought tears to my eyes, I just couldn't help myself. Just because I cry doesn't mean I don't feel better though, crying has become very therapeutic for me. I try to do it a few times a week now, it helps me get on with my day easier. Point is: It's ok to feel the way you're feeling, but don't go through this alone. TELL SOMEONE, someone you can TRUST, you can even tell ME. If you want to send me a private message to talk I would be more than happy to be there for you in your time of need.

 

YOU are beautiful

YOU are amazing

YOU are strong

YOU matter

 

Don't ever forget that. We are put through obstacles in life that test our character, this is one of them.

 

Truth be told, you're not alone.

[fireflywy]

By the way, it's called NLP anchoring. (Neuro Linquistic Programming) Anchoring. You are basically using visualization, emotions, and kinesthetic movements, to create a new association that, when you visualize it again, the two become one.

[Kbomb]

81 - Go and see a doctor ASAP. Get something to help with your anxiety,something to help calm you down at work. Explain to your doctor everything that happened and how you are having a hard time coping at work.

 

I had to do the same thing after my breakup. I am a boss at work and I was having a very hard time focusing and controlling myself. It is very very hard. The doc put me on a low dose of xanax and it really helps me a lot, I don't think I would have been able to even go back to work without it.

 

Also if you have leave available to you now is a good time to take it. You need some time off it will help a lot.

 

You are a woman, so you are strong, you will make it. Just think clearly and put yourself into survival mode. Get some help, you will be ok.

[Lovingme81]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry for all the pain you're experiencing right now. I know, I was there too, you can ask any daily poster on this site about my dramatic episodes on these threads when I first came to this forum. Break-ups are excruciating, we feel like we left our very being within the soul of that person. We trusted them with our love, our secrets, our time, and at the end they take all of it and run away with it. You feel like there should be some kind of law that prevents another human being from abandoning you when you're in love with them. You feel like a crime was commit towards, like a homicide on your very soul.

 

My world came crashing down when my ex broke up with me, especially since I felt like i'm the one who caused it. Since I was 11 I've suffered from depression and anxiety issues. Since then, I've made half hearten attempts to control my issues, all to no avail. I took all that baggage into my previous relationship and she stood by me, she fought for me, and she supported me all the way through. However, my insecurities and the jealously was always there. I was scared, I was paranoid, I didn't want to lose her and at the end that's exactly what happened (self-fulfilling prophecy).

 

Two months later, I still miss her. Not as much as before, but its because I've done alot to get my mind right the last 2 months. I've been focusing on school, I've been reading alot, I've been doing yoga, I've been attending therapy, and i've been doing some soul-searching. Did all these things make me stop missing her? No. Did it make me realize that I matter? Yes, absolutely. I matter, just like you matter, and i'm not saying that as a poster on this site, but as a friend who knows what that pain feels like! The mornings are absolute worst, you feel that pain right at the pit of your heart. But as time rolls by, the pain gets less intense, and your days will get a little brighter.

 

What your feeling right now is absolutely normal, hell there would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel this way. From time to time I still get those moments at work where I break down and cry, I had one last week. It was the warmest day of the year, and all I could think about is how we use to go to the park in the summers and walk around cracking jokes with one another. The memory of those moments brought tears to my eyes, I just couldn't help myself. Just because I cry doesn't mean I don't feel better though, crying has become very therapeutic for me. I try to do it a few times a week now, it helps me get on with my day easier. Point is: It's ok to feel the way you're feeling, but don't go through this alone. TELL SOMEONE, someone you can TRUST, you can even tell ME. If you want to send me a private message to talk I would be more than happy to be there for you in your time of need.

 

YOU are beautiful

YOU are amazing

YOU are strong

YOU matter

 

Don't ever forget that. We are put through obstacles in life that test our character, this is one of them.

 

Truth be told, you're not alone.

 

thank you, I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to. I don't have access to PM do you know how I can get access so we can talk. Maybe I can make it through if I have someone to talk to.

[Lovingme81]

Your to-do list:

 

- Bath. Bonus points for bubble bath.

- Hot chocolate and/or herbal tea. If you can find the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Extra, get it! It's very good with honey.

- Scandal, season 2 (It's on Netflix.) Don't worry about not understanding it; it's fine.

- Bob's Burgers (also on Netflix)

- YouTube videos of screaming goats

- Online shopping on Sephora

- Make a playlist for an at-home workout to do tomorrow (lots of free home workouts at fitnessblender and other sites, check Pinterest for more)

- Pick your favorite restaurant for a meal tomorrow night and make reservations. Bring a book, newspaper, or something else to do if you are shy about eating alone.

 

Get to it! I'm watching you, young lady!

I will try to do some of these. I know I can't go out to a restaurant alone though. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry. I dont know. I just feel like such a loser already.

I will try my hardest.

[Lovingme81]

Here's what you need to do. Find a place of quiet where you won't be bothered with no noise.

 

 

List your worse negative moment. Instances where he may have made you very angry and when you DIDN'T want to be with him (we all have them at one point). I want you close your eyes, relive this experience, feel the anger, sadness, or whatever of that moment, and do it from first person. Close your eyes as you do this. Once you've felt this, I want you to put a frame around it, and then project it out in front of you. Place one hand on the image.

 

Now, take an image of your ex, post it on the wall in front you as well. (Your eyes will be closed to.) Put your finger on it as well to note where it is.

 

Then reach out and grab the first image of negative experiences, taking pieces of it and conglomerating it into a swirling ball of energy in your hands. Imagine you are standing there, taking pieces of a picture and collecting them only this will be energy. You are going to put that into a ball spinning ball in your hand, note which way it turns

 

I then want you, after you've collected all of that energy from the first image and put into your ball, to Spin that that ball faster and faster, feeling your emotions grow (you will actually be moving as you do this do a shaking movement or as if you are spinning something by pushing it)

 

And when you have it moving fast, I want you to take your free hand, grab the image of your ex and SLAM it into the ball, and then throw the ball back at the wall in front of you, and post it.

 

Hopefully, if you concentrated it right, your image of your ex, and the moment are now completely associated with eachother. If you expand the image of him, you should feel angrier. If you make it smaller (use your hands as if you're expanding an image on a giant ipad) it should feel less.

 

Anytime you want to call him, just remember your wall and expand the image.

 

Thank you I will try this in the morning. I hope it helps. I really do.

[Jonp219]

thank you, I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to. I don't have access to PM do you know how I can get access so we can talk. Maybe I can make it through if I have someone to talk to.

 

I forgot you're a new member so you probably won't have PM for a few weeks. However you can e-mail me at [email protected]

[lana-banana]

I will try to do some of these. I know I can't go out to a restaurant alone though. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry. I dont know. I just feel like such a loser already.

I will try my hardest.

 

Then don't go to a sit-down restaurant. Get takeaway from a place you like. Treat yourself to something. And focus on getting as many fresh fruits and vegetables as you can, because healthy food will make you feel even better. If there's ever been a time to splurge on $15 salads, it's today.

[Lovingme81]

Then don't go to a sit-down restaurant. Get takeaway from a place you like. Treat yourself to something. And focus on getting as many fresh fruits and vegetables as you can, because healthy food will make you feel even better. If there's ever been a time to splurge on $15 salads, it's today.

 

thank you, I have been eating pretty crappy lately. Can I ask you something. If your boyfriend whether on and off or not. If you were on and off for basically 5 years wouldn't it bother you that you never met his family, and that you never heard him tell you he loved you? Wouldn't it bother you? I feel like I did cause a lot of arguments and my attitude wasn't that great but those things made me feel.....bad.

[lana-banana]

thank you, I have been eating pretty crappy lately. Can I ask you something. If your boyfriend whether on and off or not. If you were on and off for basically 5 years wouldn't it bother you that you never met his family, and that you never heard him tell you he loved you? Wouldn't it bother you? I feel like I did cause a lot of arguments and my attitude wasn't that great but those things made me feel.....bad.

 

If I had been dating someone even one year without hearing "I love you" I would end it. Casual relationships have their time and place, but I wouldn't invest a year (let alone five) on someone who didn't love me and didn't show it. You have every reason to feel bad; this guy was never serious about you. But you know who can always love you and be there for you? You! Focus on getting to know yourself and becoming your own best friend.

[Lovingme81]

ok thank you. i guess i just gotta keep telling myself I just wasn't what he wanted.

[fireflywy]

ok thank you. i guess i just gotta keep telling myself I just wasn't what he wanted.

 

He's a jerk. You don't lead someone on like that. He was selfish and when things came down to more, when he was finally put to the test he bailed.

 

This says NOTHING about you. He's just a jerk.

[Lovingme81]

He's a jerk. You don't lead someone on like that. He was selfish and when things came down to more, when he was finally put to the test he bailed.

 

This says NOTHING about you. He's just a jerk.

 

I appreciate your kind words. I will continue to tell myself this. I'm obsessed with who the next girl will be and what she will have to make him love her. I'm stuck on it. Like what am I missing? I will never know.

[ZiggyZoo]

I appreciate your kind words. I will continue to tell myself this. I'm obsessed with who the next girl will be and what she will have to make him love her. I'm stuck on it. Like what am I missing? I will never know.

 

The thing is, he doesn't know how to love. He doesn't know how to give someone the basic respect and courtesy they deserve as a fellow human being. Something somewhere caused him to develop without these skills. He's not going to love the next girl, or the girl after that because he can't. He's not going to magically change because he's not with you.

 

Listen to me...you.didn't make him this way. You weren't lacking in some characteristic that the next girl is going to have that suddenly changes him into Prince Charming. You didn't say or do anything that made him treat you like that. This is all on him, the way he acted towards you. You didn't deserve it, and you didn't cause it.

 

The next girl will be right where you are now. I feel badly for her, she has no idea what she's in for.

[fireflywy]

I understand. I'm going through this EXACT thing right now. I learned two days ago that my ex is now seeing someone else. She is VERY similar to your ex in that she wasn't an emotional person and when she DID say the words "I love you" it was always as a response, never a self motivated, appreciative act. I looked back, after having the EXACT same thoughts as you do (What if they are with someone else and he's BETTER then me?!) and really asked myself what effort did she really make other then simply sharing the same space, talking, and having sex?

 

You REALLY need to pull out an empty notebook and do two things.

 

1. Visualization-- Step out of your relationship as if you were watching a movie, and ask yourself what a true, loving, relationship looks like as you perceive it. Go through your memories and ask, if you were a bystander watching you walk by with your ex if you would say "Wow! I know those two are together. Like at how loving they are."

 

2. Auditory-- Write down what a relationship should like. Do you hear words of affirmation, of love and affection? When he wrote you a letter, could you hear his voice and affection? Could you hear a loving tone?

 

3. Kinesthetic-- And I don't mean SEX! How was his touch? Was it caring? Was it soft and gentle? Was it mechanical? Was he distant? When you hugged him did he just go limp or did he AFFECTIONATELY embrace you and you FELT his love. And I mean FEEL it.

 

If, after you have taken stock of these things and you see some major inconsistencies with you imagined love should be to YOU, I want you to take one more exercise.

 

I want you to get out a pen an paper, and do what I'm going to call a future timeline and do it like your journaling in a journal with dates!

 

In that timeline, I want you to journal yourself out 2 months (yeah! I have again!) 6 months (still not there, have doubts), a YEAR (he STILL doesn't love me, I feel horrible!) from now, and imagine yourself with him. When you write this timeline out, think about the cadence of the past in your relationship. What strained you? How you felt when he was distant? How he would respond in the future if you brought up how you felt.

 

I find that doing this exercise is a great way of associating what your future would be like with a person who has proved, and WILL prove incapable of meeting your needs. When you write this, think about how empty you'd feel in being with him, even when times were back to their NORMAL interactions.

 

Try it. I know you're down, i know your not feeling motivated, but try this mental exercise. You MAY find, when you project your future out in detail (even with kids, marriage, etc) that these situations would not change how he operates and you would STILL not get what you need from this man.

[fireflywy]

And yes, I would actively do this. FORCE yourself to do this. Its a small act of will. It will only take 5 to 20 minutes of your time. Do it with the perspective that you're empowering yourself to explore how to put this relationship into perspective (for better or worse). That way, you at least get some small satisfaction that you are actively engaging in solutions rather then mere sadness.

[Fufu]

You are only suffering a heartbreak right now and how you feel is understandable.

 

I still can remember I totally turn into a walking dead(zombie) after my exbf dumped me out of the blue. I was crying every day, in fact it's like every hour. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't work, can't do anything. I also felt like a failure, a loser, my whole world crushed. Of course, I broke a couple times of NC and had to resume back and as times goes by, it does get better and better and eventually my heart no longer has this person. To me, he's just another entity.

 

The thing is, if a person truly loves and commits to you, he won't leave you this easily. And he wouldn't even treat you the way you mentioned.

 

Never never never fall in love with a man who doesn't treat you with basic respect.

 

I for sure will never fall in love with an arrogant and selfish man and only think of himself.

 

Relationship is 0.5 + 0.5 = 1. You have done your part in this relationship, it's time to let go, find your own freedom and your true destiny in time to come.

[Lovingme81]

hi everyone, today has been really rough. im thinking its because i blocked him right after i texted him. if he really wanted to make things right he would find a way to talk you think? i never blocked him before. i blocked right after i broke nc so i donnt even know if he replied.

[ZiggyZoo]

Here's the thing. IF he wanted to make everything right, it is going to have to mean more than just a text saying that he's sorry. So even if he's blocked, that's not enough from him to begin with. If you accepted some crappy text apologizing, then you're telling him that you're not worth any more effort than that. Which you are. You are worth dozens of roses, months of groveling, therapy for him, everything under the sun. He did you wrong. Don't make it easy for him, because he needs to work for you.

 

If he's not going to recognize your worth, you have to do it for him. And that starts with not being at his beck and call, not waiting around for him to decide he'll grace you with his presence. He needs to know that YOU are aware that he's treated you poorly, and you're not going to take it anymore. And it all begins with not being easily available.

 

If he wanted to talk, he would find a way. They always do. I hope your day gets better. Do something nice for yourself today. Even something small, you've come a long way, and you've been through a lot.

[Lovingme81]

i just had a nasty attitude with him throuhout the relationship because i wanted more so i feel guilty

[BC1980]

ok thank you. i guess i just gotta keep telling myself I just wasn't what he wanted.

 

But he wasn't what you wanted either. Don't you want someone to love you unconditionally and someone who will commit to you? I think that's what we all want, but a lot of us persist in these relationships that aren't going anywhere. We keep staying and keep thinking things will change. Change your mentality from "I'm not what he wanted" to" "he also isn't what I wanted." No matter how nice the package is on the outside, if a person isn't going to commit and love you, it's not what you want.

[ZiggyZoo]

i just had a nasty attitude with him throuhout the relationship because i wanted more so i feel guilty

 

Well, stop feeling guilty, because what you wanted is the most basic level of respect you should expect from a long-term partner. I'm glad you had a nasty attitude, you should have.

[ZiggyZoo]

But he wasn't what you wanted either. Don't you want someone to love you unconditionally and someone who will commit to you? I think that's what we all want, but a lot of us persist in these relationships that aren't going anywhere. We keep staying and keep thinking things will change. Change your mentality from "I'm not what he wanted" to" "he also isn't what I wanted." No matter how nice the package is on the outside, if a person isn't going to commit and love you, it's not what you want.

 

This is awesome. This is golden advice. I can't think of a better way to turn it around to focusing on YOU. You should tell yourself this every time you start to think that you weren't good enough, etc. Well, neither was he.

[Lovingme81]

Thank you. I'll keep it blocked

[Fufu]

Please keep it blocked, you can do it, please believe in yourself.