He left me. He walked out.

[Lovingme81]

maybe there is something seriously wrong with me. I'm feeling really bad.

[Nolan 93]

this makes me want to cry because its not right He's happy moving on and I loved him. I'm just so upset how could he just move on. Life is so messed up.

 

Yes life is messed up, but it's a gamble. Knowing that when two people come together as a couple its a gamble if it will last or not. We both enjoyed the relationship and each others company. It doesn't matter if we loved them, because they didn't feel the same way about us in the end. I still love my current ex, but I know she doesn't want a relationship right now with me, and all I can do is back off and let her live her life.

 

No there is nothing wrong with you, you were in love and once the one you love breaks your heart, you go through withdrawals and pain. I was the same but I got back up and forced myself to move on. It's been almost five months of NC, and I sill miss her but the pain is going away. Just give yourself time to grieve and you'll come out a stronger person.

[Lovingme81]

My ex would do this to me :::

 

 

 

 

Over the past few days since I wrote about whether you’re ready to date again, there’s been a flurry of discussion in the comments about people who rely on making last minute plans under the guise of being ‘spontaneous’ and who when you try to make plans, or call them on their lack of commitment, get all shirty with you.

This is what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while, you see each other regularly, make plans in advance and then one day they phone up and say “I just found out that X is doing a gig tonight – do you fancy it?” or “Surprise! We’re off to Paris/having a weekend away/eating out tonight” or giving a gift just because.

This is not what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while and you only find out what you’re doing on a Friday evening or on the day that it’s happening. Plans are rarely if ever made in advance and when you try to, they’re difficult to pin down, so in the end, the decision for them to agree to your suggestion is so last minute that they’ve pulled their usual stroke on you again – passive aggression.

Spontaneous also doesn’t look like: You haven’t heard from them for several days, a week, a few weeks, or even months and then a text comes through “Hey…hope you’re well. Fancy going out tonight?” And then after you spend time together, you don’t hear from them again for another several days/weeks/months until the next textvite comes through. That’s mind f*ckery. You can be damn sure that it also doesn’t sound like a call after dark asking whether they can ‘come over’ – that’s a booty call.

Spontaneous: “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus.” (Oxford Dictionary)

I’m all for seizing the moment but if the only time I hear from you is when you’ve seized the itch in your pants, or your ego needs some pumping, or when you’ve finally decided to get around to thinking of me and considering me in your plans at the last moment, I’d rather take a raincheck.Sometimes it’s nice to fly by the seat of your pants, but the type of person who relies on keeping you on ‘standby’ as an option to avail of and actually expects that should they choose to only spring their plans on you five minutes before, that you’ll drop everything, is someone who is like the seat of someone’s pants…after a bad day – shady.

It’s like you’re on standby for a flight or a backup generator!

Do you want to be someone’s ‘sudden impulse’ or do you want to be considered?

Would you be happy with someone not thinking ahead, planning, and committing to something as basic as short-term plans?

Just like the whole ‘busy’ issue, it’s a question of valuing other people’s time.You can be damn sure that the person who doesn’t make plans with you assumes that you’re on their ‘waiting list’ without something better to do. Often, it’s not a question of what you’ll be doing together; it’s a question of whether you’ll be seeing each other at all.

Much like people who keep emphasising how ‘honest’ or ‘nice’ they are, suffer with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much, when someone goes to the trouble of telling you that they’re spontaneous, you’re dealing with a Future Avoider that has basic commitment issues. If you can’t get them to commit to making short-term plans, may the force be with you for anything bigger.

These people expect you to go with

their

flow – this will gnaw at your insides, having you anxious about whether you’ll be ‘picked’ each week. Feck that!

One of my ex’s wasn’t keen on ‘making plans’, often using the phrase “flying by the seat of my pants.” Most weekends I’d be ‘summoned’ after he’d decided what he wanted to do, or be subjected to having to listen to him whining about finding something to do that ticked his ‘spontaneous’ boxes. Invariably, 99.9% of the time, it was boring. So I did the smart thing – I went ahead and made my own plans. If I was around and I wanted to go, I’d meet him, but if not, hey ho – you snooze, you lose.

Sadly I didn’t heed that lesson as he wasn’t my last Mr Unavailable and after being summoned here, there, and everywhere by text, phone, and email, I recognised how devaluing this was – it’s like floating around on the coat tails of other people’s lives – you have a life of your own!

This shouldn’t be

so

hard for us to recognise as worthwhile,

valuable

individuals: We are people worth thinking ahead about and making plans with.

You will know you’re dealing with someone who really isn’t all that spontaneous and who in fact has commitment issues, when the things that they’re being spontaneous about aren’t really all that exciting.

It’s also important to consider the bigger picture: If someone rarely plans ahead, them leaving things till the last minute isn’t spontaneous – it’s routine. This is a bit like the person who is so inconsistent that they become consistent at being inconsistent.

Everything is contextual. If you have a healthy, mutual partnering and they surprise you periodically or you both decide to do things on the spur of the moment, that’s spontaneity. Them doing things on their terms and you being shoehorned into one way or the other is passive aggression.

Your whole relationship can’t be one big ‘ole impulse. Part of being available and committed is being able to commit to doing basic things that if you’re not too busy trying to micromanage your intimacy and responsibility levels, you’d take for granted as being part of your relationship and enjoy it.

You are not a ‘standby ticket’. You’re not.

You are better than sitting around waiting to be called up for duty. You’re also better than being a standby option after they’ve made sure they haven’t got better plans.

You’re someone to be made plans with. You’re also someone that can be surprised and seize the moment but within the context of already having the freedom of a relationship where you can talk about making plans without being shut down.

And that’s the test:

Spontaneity cuts both ways.

You can be damn sure that you’re with someone who has commitment issues when it’s all on their terms and

you

can’t be spontaneous and get together on impulse.

Don’t be a passenger. If you’re not comfortable with being dialadate, then don’t. Instead of giving a big explanation or even a small one, just say that you’ve made other plans, which you should do anyway as leaving yourself as an option makes you a passenger giving people the option of choosing you, while you’ve already chosen them. They’ll either meet you in the middle and make plans, or beat it. Or…they’ll pretend to meet you in the middle and gradually eek it back to last minute, at which point you bounce them and walk.

Start as you mean to go on because really, you don’t have time to be teaching a grown-up to value and prioritise you. Remember – when you don’t allow yourself to be on standby, they can’t treat you like an option.

Your thoughts? If you have been reluctant to step up and make plans and have relied on them doing all of the ‘chasing’, read my post on why you shouldn’t make it the guy’s job to do all of the calling and making plans.

[Lovingme81]

OMG You guys am I in denial if almost all of these are true? I looked up commitment phobes online and almost all of these are true Is it true? He's a commitement phobe?

 

8 Tell-Tale Signs Of A Commitment-Phobe

 

1. He travels for work and is gone for a week or more at a time. Commitment-phobes, tend to choose jobs that allow for a lot of flexibility to travel, not work in an office and control their own schedules. This lifestyle also makes it easier to be unfaithful.

 

2. You haven't met each other's friends, family and/or co-workers. Commitment-phobes cannot be transparent with their activities. They tend to compartmentalize the different parts of their life. You won't know what their work life is like and you probably won't get to know their friends. They have a strong need to be able to hide what they are doing so they don't have to explain themselves. They can concoct some amazing excuses for why you can't meet their friends

 

3. You haven't seen his home, and if you have, it looks more like a hotel room. Commitment-phobes have a habit of living a vagabond lifestyle. Their own homes are often nothing more than a way-station to shower, change clothes and sleep on those rare occasions they can't stay with you.

 

4. He's attentive and charming when you're together. Commitment-phobes move in fast. They use their charm and learned social skills to pursue you ardently until they win you over. Once they have you, the less attractive parts of their personality start to show.

 

 

5. He doesn't take no for an answer. Commitment-phobes don't do conflict and can't deal with rejection. If you start standing up for yourself, he'll soon be gone.

 

6. He's a last-minute planner. Planning time with you is a form of commitment to you. The Commitment-phobe is going to be uncomfortable if you take charge of how the two of you spend your time. As part of his normal mode of operation he's going to want to stay in control of what the two of you do with your time together. If he does agree to do something you want to do, he'll typically be late or cancel at the last minute.

 

7. You feel crazy. The Commitment-phobe finds a way to blame you for the situation you find yourselves in and you start doubting yourself and wonder if you are the crazy one. In Amy's situation he blamed her for "screwing it up" just because she wanted to have him come to dinner with her family. If you confront him he won't want to talk about it. He might become moody and behave in ways you've never seen before in him.

 

8. He lost interest when things got serious. Commitment-phobes love the chase but not the capture. They have a history of brief, passionate relationships that end fairly quickly. They are usually quick to explain these breakups away as being the fault of the former girlfriend.

 

Dating a commitment-phobe is a very confusing experience. Not all commitment-phobic men will show all of these signs, but most will show a significant number of them. If you are struggling with this kind of man, don't deny your experience and make yourself the one who is wrong. Reality-check what is going on with trusted friends. If that doesn't help you sort it out, seek the help of a professional. If the man you are dating is truly commitment-phobic, your future together can only contain heartbreak.

 

Do you have any experience dealing with commitment-phobes in relationship? If so, share your experience in the comments below. I'll do my best to respond in a timely manner.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

While I think it's probably good to do research such as this to try to find an understanding, and inherently help you progress in healing... I think you are fixating on this a bit too much.

 

The problem with labeling him as a commitment phobe, is that yes he might be, but he may also just wasn't ready to commit. You are hurt and may be adding context to memories that weren't really an issue so you can take this and run with it. I wouldn't jump to diagnosing him with any phobia, just take in that he didn't want to commit.

[Lovingme81]

While I think it's probably good to do research such as this to try to find an understanding, and inherently help you progress in healing... I think you are fixating on this a bit too much.

 

The problem with labeling him as a commitment phobe, is that yes he might be, but he may also just wasn't ready to commit. You are hurt and may be adding context to memories that weren't really an issue so you can take this and run with it. I wouldn't jump to diagnosing him with any phobia, just take in that he didn't want to commit.

 

I just feel like there is no way that he could possibly do every single thing on that list and not be a commitment phobe. I just can't see it not being true. He can't just exclusively want to treat me like a piece of crap and then go back to being normal. I just can't see that.

[Lovingme81]

I guess none of this really matters. Idk

[Nolan 93]

Just think of the whole dilemma like this...... We were strangers before we met and can easily become strangers again after the relationship has ended. Meaning you will get over this, not right away but with time and acceptance.

 

I have accepted my ex dumping me no matter how much it hurt me to know she could do that to me. But I have accepted it after a month or two and that will help you move on. I've run into her a couple times, she got a new tattoo, looks great, I look great too. This time apart is making me evolve into a better me and I will take it cause I will become stronger from it. But there is one thing I see in my exes face when we make eye contact, and that is guilt it is as clear as day the look in her face. But it's not my problem if the guilt eats her up one day why? Because she dumped me and doesn't know what she had and guess what I'm not waiting for her to realize that and so should you.

[Lovingme81]

well I was suggested to read baggage reclaim and so that's what I'm doing. I post here because I have no one else to talk to, not even my mom. smh

[Nolan 93]

I have no one to talk to either except maybe one or two friends, but I can't keep boring them with my dilemmas lol.

 

Just watch in a couple months you are going to look back and laugh at all this drama, I know I did.

[Lovingme81]

i feel like I am pushing myself. I'm at work all day long, im sitting here at my desk and all I can think about is how I wasn't good enough and how he wants someone better. I try to focus on work its hard. I run to the back to cry. this isn't right. I feel like i'm ugly and like i'm a loser.

[Nolan 93]

Nobody but you can push yourself out of this. For me I'm out all day on the road workimg going all over northern California, and come home late at night. Can you imagine just looking at mountains and feilds of nothing all day lol and thinking about Your ex lol it was hard.

 

But think of it like this if you are the only one to push yourself through this you can fully heal. Not drag a rebounder and then realize you still miss your ex cause you never fully healed. Cause honestly would you want to make a love oned go through something that we previously went through

[Lovingme81]

Nobody but you can push yourself out of this. For me I'm out all day on the road workimg going all over northern California, and come home late at night. Can you imagine just looking at mountains and feilds of nothing all day lol and thinking about Your ex lol it was hard.

 

But think of it like this if you are the only one to push yourself through this you can fully heal. Not drag a rebounder and then realize you still miss your ex cause you never fully healed. Cause honestly would you want to make a love oned go through something that we previously went through

 

 

 

No I feel like I'm trying real hard. I haven't contacted. I get this urge to search for him and see if he is on dating sites. I need to really stop myself because it will just **** me up more.

[ZiggyZoo]

I absolutely think he is a commitment phobe. I also think he's emotionally unavailable. You know him best, but based on what you wrote about him here, those seem to fit. I think sometimes labels are necessary for the purpose of learning the best method of dealing with something. Actually, I call it "defining". To me, defining is naming something with the purpose of fixing or understanding it. Labeling is just naming something and doing nothing with it. After all, we label illnesses, otherwise we'd treat everything with the same medicine.

 

Anyway, if you feel that that description fits your situation, then use it to learn how others have recovered from this type of guy as well. I'd also seriously recommend therapy for you. You've been through five years of self-esteem bashing, and some professional help with building yourself up may be just what you need.

 

Keep on with Baggage Reclaim! A lot of what you mention, she's written about.

[Lovingme81]

I absolutely think he is a commitment phobe. I also think he's emotionally unavailable. You know him best, but based on what you wrote about him here, those seem to fit. I think sometimes labels are necessary for the purpose of learning the best method of dealing with something. Actually, I call it "defining". To me, defining is naming something with the purpose of fixing or understanding it. Labeling is just naming something and doing nothing with it. After all, we label illnesses, otherwise we'd treat everything with the same medicine.

 

Anyway, if you feel that that description fits your situation, then use it to learn how others have recovered from this type of guy as well. I'd also seriously recommend therapy for you. You've been through five years of self-esteem bashing, and some professional help with building yourself up may be just what you need.

 

Keep on with Baggage Reclaim! A lot of what you mention, she's written about.

 

 

 

Hi again, thanks for replying. I'm going through highs and lows right now. I'm just trying to keep my no contact going, not search for him online etc. I want to keep atleast my no contact going.

[Lovingme81]

I'm still no contact. I went no contact when he first broke up with me but then he contacted me on Easter to ask me how I was. So I had to start nc again because I asked him he was sure he wanted to break up. Its going on 12 days no contact and I want him to call me.

[Lovingme81]

my self esteem is at zero. I feel so bad. my mother is telling me she wants me to come over this weekend but after the thing she said I don't want to be around her or anyone else. I can't even take pictures of myself anymore like I used to, I can't stand to look at myself

[BC1980]

my self esteem is at zero. I feel so bad. my mother is telling me she wants me to come over this weekend but after the thing she said I don't want to be around her or anyone else. I can't even take pictures of myself anymore like I used to, I can't stand to look at myself

 

My self-esteem was so bad after my breakup, so I know where you are coming from. I think that building our self-esteem is a life long endeavor. We have to consistently makes good choices for ourselves, and it builds from there. For you, the most important thing right now is to support yourself by remaining in NC. Know that this guy is not the one for you because he can't give you the type of relationship you want. Therefore, you have to go NC with him because it is only hurting you to keep in contact.

 

It's better to cut him off completely than to accept crumbs of affection. Trust me, accepting crumbs is a one way street to low self-esteem. I accepted part time commitment for 3 years, and it slowly eroded my self-esteem. When my ex left me, I felt that I had no life outside of him. To make matters worse, I had appeased him and tried to change who I was, and it still wasn't good enough for him. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could have done to make him want me.

 

I feel like you did the same thing as me and the same thing that countless other people do. We have low self-esteem, no boundaries, and we are people pleasers. It sets you up to be in these relationships where the other party does not want to commit, so we settle for crumbs. We settle for whatever the other person is willing to give, however little that may be. It's a terribly sad way to live, but you can change it. You can work to become better. It's not easy, and and it doesn't happen overnight. But you can change.

[Fufu]

Never lose your self-esteem over another person. It's just not worth it.

 

12 days no contact is a milestone, don't look back, you have only 1 way and it's to move forward.

 

You will reach where you look back and realized you have walked through the toughest stage of your life and come out being a stronger person.

 

I've been through this...and many of us over here had too.

[Lovingme81]

My self-esteem was so bad after my breakup, so I know where you are coming from. I think that building our self-esteem is a life long endeavor. We have to consistently makes good choices for ourselves, and it builds from there. For you, the most important thing right now is to support yourself by remaining in NC. Know that this guy is not the one for you because he can't give you the type of relationship you want. Therefore, you have to go NC with him because it is only hurting you to keep in contact.

 

It's better to cut him off completely than to accept crumbs of affection. Trust me, accepting crumbs is a one way street to low self-esteem. I accepted part time commitment for 3 years, and it slowly eroded my self-esteem. When my ex left me, I felt that I had no life outside of him. To make matters worse, I had appeased him and tried to change who I was, and it still wasn't good enough for him. It took me a long time to realize that there was nothing I could have done to make him want me.

 

I feel like you did the same thing as me and the same thing that countless other people do. We have low self-esteem, no boundaries, and we are people pleasers. It sets you up to be in these relationships where the other party does not want to commit, so we settle for crumbs. We settle for whatever the other person is willing to give, however little that may be. It's a terribly sad way to live, but you can change it. You can work to become better. It's not easy, and and it doesn't happen overnight. But you can change.

 

Thank you so much. I wish my mom was more supportive. She says I'm ridiculous and I need to move on and I'm not doing anything to make myself better. I'm trying. I don't know what else to say.

[Lovingme81]

Never lose your self-esteem over another person. It's just not worth it.

 

12 days no contact is a milestone, don't look back, you have only 1 way and it's to move forward.

 

You will reach where you look back and realized you have walked through the toughest stage of your life and come out being a stronger person.

 

I've been through this...and many of us over here had too.

thank you the only thing I can think about is him, on a date, with someone else. Gone it hurts so much.

[BC1980]

Thank you so much. I wish my mom was more supportive. She says I'm ridiculous and I need to move on and I'm not doing anything to make myself better. I'm trying. I don't know what else to say.

 

This just makes me sad to read. If you can't get support from a parent, that's just cr@p. Is there anyone else in your family to offer support? Any close friends?

[Lovingme81]

This just makes me sad to read. If you can't get support from a parent, that's just cr@p. Is there anyone else in your family to offer support? Any close friends?

no I don't have anyone

[Lovingme81]

no I don't have anyone

I have one friend but she lives hour and hours away. We talk but she's engaged and focused mostly on herself. I really don't want him to move on. I'm completely broken.

[Fufu]

I have one friend but she lives hour and hours away. We talk but she's engaged and focused mostly on herself. I really don't want him to move on. I'm completely broken.

 

You are not broken at all.

You only couldn't accept the stage you are at now.

 

Don't focus on him, start posting on things about yourself, even if it's small things.. eg like

What am I having for breakfast, lunch, dinner?

Time to check out my favourite store/shop/boutique.

Probably, I should check out a bookstore to grab some comedy books and etc...