BC1980 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 sorry if I'm being annoying everyone. I just need to post right now I think . You're not annoying. I'd bet that there are a lot of people who can relate to you. I once tried to earn the commitment of a man not so long ago. I also signed up to be treated like cr@p, so I have a lot of empathy for you. Trust me, you are better off without that man. He just did you a huge favor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 well I'm really introverted and its hard for me to meet people and I really liked him. He wasn't always bad but I guess he was bad enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Riptide91 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 well I'm really introverted and its hard for me to meet people and I really liked him. He wasn't always bad but I guess he was bad enough. I often wonder why so many of us men have problems with commitment. I think it's a fairly easy concept. Anyways, just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you'll never meet another man, that's just silly. And they're never bad at the beginning because you don't see someone's true colors until the end, that's what brings on the end. Please do yourself and all of us a favor, take him off the pedestal, he wasn't that great to you, like at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 I think men have a commitment problems because there are so many beautiful women in the world. So its like, why just be with one. You know. Idk. I'm told I'm beautiful and I'm told I have a nice personality but I'm 33 and still alone. Idk. I just don't know. My sisters are married they have children. I don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Riptide91 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I think men have a commitment problems because there are so many beautiful women in the world. So its like, why just be with one. You know. Idk. I'm told I'm beautiful and I'm told I have a nice personality but I'm 33 and still alone. Idk. I just don't know. My sisters are married they have children. I don't. DO NOT, I repeat do not lower your self esteem for this jerk. Just because he doesn't want to commit doesn't make you any less beautiful or have personality flaws. We could all say we're x age and still alone, age is just a number, you don't need to compare your love life and marital status to your sisters, it will do you no good. You should sit down and just think for a bit tonight about what you want in your life, whether it's career success, kids, marriage, money, etc. and ask yourself was he helping you achieve or obtain any of the things you want? I bet you'll come up with a lot of no's. He didn't even introduce you to his family after 5 years! Is that the man you want as a husband and father to your kids? I sure hope not. Seriously though, take some time and just think about everything, it might make you a little sad and the process isn't easy, but it's worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 well I'm really introverted and its hard for me to meet people and I really liked him. He wasn't always bad but I guess he was bad enough. Being introverted is not a reason to stay in a crap relationship that is going nowhere. You're saying that the best you can hope for is a 5 year relationship where the person doesn't love you. Do you believe you are that bad? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 DO NOT, I repeat do not lower your self esteem for this jerk. Just because he doesn't want to commit doesn't make you any less beautiful or have personality flaws. We could all say we're x age and still alone, age is just a number, you don't need to compare your love life and marital status to your sisters, it will do you no good. You should sit down and just think for a bit tonight about what you want in your life, whether it's career success, kids, marriage, money, etc. and ask yourself was he helping you achieve or obtain any of the things you want? I bet you'll come up with a lot of no's. He didn't even introduce you to his family after 5 years! Is that the man you want as a husband and father to your kids? I sure hope not. Seriously though, take some time and just think about everything, it might make you a little sad and the process isn't easy, but it's worth it. No he hasn't helped me. I am not doing very well at work and we never planned any sort of future together. I just gotta try to move forward. I have to stop thinking about how I wish things would have been better because its pointless. I will do what you said and just think about it and write down what I want and try to figure out why I accepted all of this. I must think I'm crap. Being introverted is not a reason to stay in a crap relationship that is going nowhere. You're saying that the best you can hope for is a 5 year relationship where the person doesn't love you. Do you believe you are that bad? Sometimes I think I'm not that great. But sometimes I look in the mirror and think to myself I'm beautiful why doesn't he want me, I have a good personality, why doesn't he treat me right, why is he ashamed of me. I know looks are not everything trust me but sometimes I wonder what it is about me. I do admit that. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Please dont cry, or cry if it helps you to feel better, but I want you to know that it would be a big mistake if you try to get back together again. Your man sounds like the man I had relationship with. He would tell me that his father wanted to see him, his brother, his friends and so on but I know nothing about them. I know for sure when he told me that he had to see his parents, he went somewhere else, to see other women. He never said the word Love. There was gap here and there about his family so I knew something was wrong. He was manipulative and I started loving him because of the way he would go and come back, it made me think that he really loved me. NOOO. He did not have any plan, Like yours he would show up unannounced. He would stalk me! He was mad because I asked him how he did not call, why he did not tell me the day before that he wanted to meet, he could call and say I want to meet , like I was supposed to be ready all the time and never ask a question. Sorry I do not want to take over your post, but I want to tell you that It made me depressed. I was so sick when I had the courage to cut connection with him, I took me years to recover. DOnt be worried you deserve to be loved, it hurts right now but one day you will look back and be happy that it is over. The way you describe him, he is not able to love , he cannot treat well another woman unless he only to make you jealous, He only needs another victim. If you dont know anything about his family, how do you know he really went to niece's and parents's and not to see other women? I think he was living a double life. He is to proud and wants someone to control. My ex used to say" this is who I am , how I am you have to accept it" NO you did not ask too much. Let him go. You deserve better. Sorry you are here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 thank you Fleur I'm gonna have to keep reading your post to bring myself to reality. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 He is doing you a favour in the end, OP. He wasn't ever "yours" to begin with. You will slowly get better. But you must stop assuming it's because of you. It's not. I think he was hiding something from you the whole time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 thank you. I'm still up. I live in California so its not that late its about 12am. I can't sleep. Maybe he was hiding something. Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 thank you. I'm still up. I live in California so its not that late its about 12am. I can't sleep. Maybe he was hiding something. It doesn't sound like he was hiding something, it sounds like he never had both feet in the door of a relationship with you. You tried to get him to put his feet in through sheer will, but he didn't want to because he was lacking the baseline motivation to meet your needs. You were in a "good enough for now" relationship but didn't see it. There were red flags of his apathy from the start, but you chose to ignore them and tried to change him into the boyfriend you wanted him to be. Learn from this. If you're faced with an apathetic guy like this in the future, save yourself the heartache and leave him. Relationships are hard enough as it is, and if you don't have a motivated partner, you're not going to go the distance. In the future, a guy who is into committing to you will not make you wonder. He will be happy to introduce you to his friends and family and meet your friends and family. He will want to work through any problems that come up, and if you tell him you'd like to hear him tell you he loves you (expressing your needs) he'll take that seriously and do it. If you're having to struggle for these very basic things, he doesn't value you (which does NOT mean you're not a valuable person, you're just not a match), he's not the right guy for you and you need to cut your losses before you get too attached. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 It doesn't sound like he was hiding something, it sounds like he never had both feet in the door of a relationship with you. You tried to get him to put his feet in through sheer will, but he didn't want to because he was lacking the baseline motivation to meet your needs. You were in a "good enough for now" relationship but didn't see it. There were red flags of his apathy from the start, but you chose to ignore them and tried to change him into the boyfriend you wanted him to be. Learn from this. If you're faced with an apathetic guy like this in the future, save yourself the heartache and leave him. Relationships are hard enough as it is, and if you don't have a motivated partner, you're not going to go the distance. In the future, a guy who is into committing to you will not make you wonder. He will be happy to introduce you to his friends and family and meet your friends and family. He will want to work through any problems that come up, and if you tell him you'd like to hear him tell you he loves you (expressing your needs) he'll take that seriously and do it. If you're having to struggle for these very basic things, he doesn't value you (which does NOT mean you're not a valuable person, you're just not a match), he's not the right guy for you and you need to cut your losses before you get too attached. Thank you for this. Just so I know he will be able to give a different woman what she wants in a relationship if he's more into her right? He will be able to treat her right but not me because I wasn't the right one for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 today isn't as bad as yesterday but I don't think it will last. I went to Starbucks and noticed how beautiful the day was. It made me sad for some reason. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Thank you for this. Just so I know he will be able to give a different woman what she wants in a relationship if he's more into her right? He will be able to treat her right but not me because I wasn't the right one for him? Who knows, and who even cares. It's not your concern anymore. You clearly have major self-esteem issues that you need to work on. I can recommend some books if you are interested. Link to post Share on other sites
LooperDooper Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 Never blame yourself. We tend to guilt ourselves and be hurtful towards ourselves instead of picking yourself out of bed and out of the turmoil you have. You can only do as much as you allow yourself to do, so stop blaming yourself and start doing you. In the hard moments just remember what he did, what he hid, and how much more you deserve. I tend to think of the future this is going to bring me and trust me your future is brighter than most after that person. Start thinking you will get better and you will find the person who will make you happy, not keep you as an aside or potentially hide you from their life. It starts with an act to help yourself, starting from your self-esteem issues and working to gain confidence and to tell yourself you are much bigger than you think you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 I see what you mean. Okay I will take your book recommendations. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I see what you mean. Okay I will take your book recommendations. Read "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" by Natalie Lue. It explains the type of relationship that you described, where one person has no intention of committing yet the other person tries to earn the commitment. It gives good advice on how to break the pattern. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 thats funny, I read that book. I have it on my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 I read baggage reclaim a lot too. Link to post Share on other sites
ZiggyZoo Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 I read baggage reclaim a lot too. I was JUST going to suggest that site to you! She's saved me so many times from MY emotionally unavailable man...I do hope you find some peace in her words, because what happened to you and how you've been treated isn't right. It isn't right, it isn't fair, and it sure as sh*t wasn't your fault. I went through some of the same feelings you've posted, and it hurts my heart to read them. But I got better, and so will you. You've taken some steps in the right direction, and I know you can get through this. I'm sending you a big hug and some warm, healing thoughts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 thank you, I keep looking at my phone to see if he texted which I know is sad. I bought a book called Women who love to much and I don't even feel like reading it. I just feel like laying here. It seemed to happen so fast. I wasn't close to my dad at all and he died last month. The week he died my boyfriend was out of town for work. He was asking me if I was okay and said that when he got back we would go out. I felt sad my dad died...just because he was never there and now he was dead. The day before he got back he told me he wanted me to take off of work on a Friday because he had "errands" on Saturday and couldn't hang out with me. This was after being gone for a month! I got so angry I started fighting with him over text. The next day he got back I called him up and said that I didn't even take off of work for my dad dying and you want me to call out for errands? Just take a day off and spend it with me on Saturday! He hung up on me and ignored me for a week. That was probably the worse pain ever and I blamed myself. I thought when times were hard your loved ones are supposed to be there for you. I don't even know anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovingme81 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Share Posted April 11, 2015 that was so awful. he told me he ignored me because I was being terrible to him. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 11, 2015 Share Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) I read baggage reclaim a lot too. If you are familiar with Baggage Reclaim, then you have to know that your ex was not healthy for you. Why didn't you put any of her suggestions into practice? You know what to do, but you don't want to do it. I get that. It's hard to change because the dysfunctional familiar can be a safe place. The devil you know concept. Can you at least see that your relationship with this guy was unhealthy? Can you at least get to that point? That's the first step. I was in a highly dysfunctional relationship for 3 years, and I didn't even really understand what was going on until I came to LS and started reading Baggage Reclaim. Then, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. It's been tough, but I've changed a heck of a lot since then. I went from wanting that sack of sh*t to come crawling back to being thankful he is marrying someone else. Like, honestly, I felt relief when I found out he was engaged. There was a time when I never thought I would feel that way. Edited April 11, 2015 by BC1980 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted April 12, 2015 Share Posted April 12, 2015 thank you, I keep looking at my phone to see if he texted which I know is sad. I bought a book called Women who love to much and I don't even feel like reading it. I just feel like laying here. It seemed to happen so fast. I wasn't close to my dad at all and he died last month. The week he died my boyfriend was out of town for work. He was asking me if I was okay and said that when he got back we would go out. I felt sad my dad died...just because he was never there and now he was dead. The day before he got back he told me he wanted me to take off of work on a Friday because he had "errands" on Saturday and couldn't hang out with me. This was after being gone for a month! I got so angry I started fighting with him over text. The next day he got back I called him up and said that I didn't even take off of work for my dad dying and you want me to call out for errands? Just take a day off and spend it with me on Saturday! He hung up on me and ignored me for a week. That was probably the worse pain ever and I blamed myself. I thought when times were hard your loved ones are supposed to be there for you. I don't even know anymore. Sounds familiar. BTW, that is effed up. The least you could expect from him was comfort and some time with you. A stranger off the street would have been kinder. You remind me of myself. I always blamed myself for my ex's behavior. I must have done something to upset him. I'll try harder to keep him happy next time. Eff that. Do you think he ever cared about upsetting me? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts