Would you date someone with mental illness?

[Taramere]

Yeah... me too. It sucks to read people say that they would never date somebody like you. There are definitely posts on this thread that would add to the stigma and sense of isolation experienced by people with mental illness.

 

At the same time, though, I have to say I think it's better for somebody who knows they can't cope with mental illness to rule you out than it is for the person to date you and act disgusted with you and make you feel like you're totally flawed and have no redeeming qualities day-in, day-out.

 

Right. I think somebody mentioned earlier that everybody has flaws and drawbacks. With some people the drawbacks might be related to a medical condition and with others the drawbacks might be down to their basic personality, or failure to deal effectively with difficult life circumstances.

 

Just because somebody hasn't been diagnosed with a serious mental disorder that doesn't mean they're automatically "cleared" as a good partner. And by the same token, just because a person has been diagnosed with a serious mental disorder it doesn't mean they won't make a good partner nothwithstanding some of the problems their condition will perhaps bring.

 

For me, because of a bad relationship experience I've had in the past, if I met somebody I really clicked with who had a mental health problem I would probably be quite full on with the personal boundaries and what I am/am not prepared to do/be. Possibly in a way that would seem offputtingly combative to the other person. Boundaries would be along the lines of

 

1. In the first couple of months, things would be kept on a very light, social footing. I would not be prepared to attend any meetings, reviews or get involved in any sort of treatment plan. If the relationship progressed to something more serious then of course I would start to get involved in that sort of thing as you'd expect a supportive partner to - but certainly not at the outset.

 

2. Cheating or behaving in physically/emotionally abusive ways is entirely unacceptable to me. If the condition means that, realistically, there may be occasional outbursts of that sort of behaviour, then it's not going to work out.

 

3. You must be capable of being the kind of mature and supportive partner you want to be with. Obviously not all the time (nobody is all these things all the time) but at least a good portion of it.

 

Anybody's susceptible to things like anxiety or depression. It's not like the world is divided into mentally unhealthy people who need support and mentally healthy people who will provide that support. The mental health needs of both people in a relationship deserve consideration...and sometimes the problem is that where one person has a serious diagnosed condition, the other will spend too much time being caretaker and end up feeling guilty about having needs of their own. "I can't lean on my partner. He/she is too fragile."

[mightycpa]

I meant that people are afraid to be diagnosed because they have the fear of what people will think such as for a job or obviously with dating as well. Their afraid of how others will view them. For instance if I tell someone I have depression & intrusive thoughts would that make them not view me the same even as a person in general?

Yes. Absolutely. But what it does not explain is why you'd avoid diagnosis and treatment.

 

I keep going back to the same flaw in your thinking. You must think that without a diagnosis, nobody can tell that something is wrong with you. If that were true, there would be no such thing as mental illness, no need for a diagnosis and no need for treatment.

 

I'm not saying you have to wear a t-shirt that proclaims your status one way or the other. But when you get involved, you shouldn't hide that, because you're different, and not like in a way that makes you more successful in life.

[NJ123]

Yes. Absolutely. But what it does not explain is why you'd avoid diagnosis and treatment.

 

I keep going back to the same flaw in your thinking. You must think that without a diagnosis, nobody can tell that something is wrong with you. If that were true, there would be no such thing as mental illness, no need for a diagnosis and no need for treatment.

 

I'm not saying you have to wear a t-shirt that proclaims your status one way or the other. But when you get involved, you shouldn't hide that, because you're different, and not like in a way that makes you more successful in life.

 

I probably said that in the heat of the moment of how I was feeling about one the posts on here. But I don't think anyone should go undiagnosed even if that means less options in terms of dating & whatever else. I wouldn't hide it from a person I'm seeing since it wouldn't be fair to her to hide it, but I'd be very worried that they'd leave me due to it.

[joyfulgirl79]

So this is making me think of something.

 

My cousin dated for many years a man. He ended up needing a double lung transplant.

 

She broke up with him due to the fact she did not feel emotionally strong enough to see him through it.

 

Many people saw her as uncaring.

 

I saw it as her choice and that I understood.

 

Similar to understanding why people would choose not to date me. I don't hold resentments against that.

 

Because again....people do not choose mental illness.

 

Just as he did not choose the double lung transplant.

 

Illness that happens.

 

But stigma????

 

referring to yourself as " normal?" because you don't have a mental illness?

 

Again....the stigma's in this thread are not about the choices made not to date someone with a mental illness.

 

It's the uneducated comments about a specific mental illness that reinforces stigmas.

 

And to the person who asked....why would someone not seek treatment and a diagnosis due to stigma's?

 

Because.....if someone is struggling.....and unsure...after reading things like this, do you think they would go to a doctor and want a label? or do you think they would try and pull it together and go about their " normal" ( because despite what most people think, people with mental illness are not constantly sick" and hope it doesn't happen again so that they don't have to be one of "those people" the " not normal ones?"

 

 

geez.

 

Don't date someone with a mental illness if you don't want to.

 

And to the people who speak of anxiety and depression but somehow can't relate to other mental illness.....guess what.....you now feel better? and you know how you have periods of wellness and have learned how to manage it? same thing other people go through with the more " scary " mental illnesses.

 

People can have " episodes" and remain in remission.

 

There are people with depression, who never overcome it.

 

Again, the stigmas are not due to not wanting to date someone.

 

And I think the most insulting thing on here would be to tell someone to find someone else with a " mental disorder".

 

Quite honestly, I could end up with someone with a mental illness, because I would not judge nor be afraid.

 

But I would have the knowledge it is not them. Any more than any other illness.....that's like telling someone with cancer they should only date other cancer patients. It's just insulting.

 

And to have to try and explain why....

 

 

stigmas.

[sweetjasmine]

So this is where the rubber meets the road. I take it you'd be understanding of someone decided not to date you because of that.

 

Yes, I'd understand. I had my last major depressive rut when I was only a few months into the relationship with the man who became my husband, and I'm amazed he decided to stick it out. That episode was triggered by some very specific circumstances, and once I had settled in and decided on an exit plan, I got much better. So I think he was able to be more patient and understanding as he saw some progress, but even then, I wouldn't have blamed him for changing his mind. He also had some struggles with depression after we had been together for about 2 years, and it almost destroyed our relationship. But we managed to get through it. Wouldn't ever want to go through that again.

 

I'd wager that very, very few people, if any, are mentally healthy 100% of the time throughout their entire lives. During the times we're not, relationships can become a hell of a lot more challenging. I think it's important to realize what you can and can't handle and I don't think it's a moral failing if you can't deal with it.

[mightycpa]

I'd be very worried that they'd leave me due to it.

Glad I could talk you down from that.

 

Well, it's a reasonable worry. I don't blame you, you probably have to face that worry every time where others don't, and I'm sure that has a big impact on your life.

 

But you should also try to understand that this person has a choice to make, and will act in what they perceive as their own best interest, whether it is fair to you or not. It's their life, and they have a right to shape it in the way they think is best.

[joyfulgirl79]

I guess instead of that long ramble....to the poster who called herself " normal"

 

do you speak like that when referring to people with physical illness?

[carhill]

While conditions vary, the really difficult part, in general, to process, and the specialists tried to explain this to me in plain language, is that the overriding issue with mental illness or brain defect is that the organ affected is the 'director', the organ which runs the body and forms up the reception of stimulus, processing of stimulus, decision-making and interaction with the world. When the director is ill, everything can go sideways. In serious cases (ours was serious), the patient is completely oblivious, in action, to their disease. Their reality, their world, can be fundamentally a markedly different one than that of other unaffected people. To them, it's 'real'.

[joyfulgirl79]

The original post was about bi polar disorder.

 

The talk of care plans and treatments.

 

This would only take place if someone was in treatment and acutely ill, or not capable of managing illness.

 

Being partnered to someone with bi polar would actually, quite likely not involve that.

 

Once someone is stablilized, they quite often do not need intense follow up. Just check ups....and again...similar to other illness. And they are capable of recognizing flare ups and making an appt just like any other illness.

[Maleficent]

I disagree.

 

Stigma means you're afraid what people will think. That's not at all what she said. She said that she was concerned about future behavior.

 

It's the same way that you think about a car that leaks and burns oil as being a car you don't want to own. Sure, it might last forever without any problems, but more than likely you're going to have trouble with the car, and you're going to have to put in a lot more maintenance than with other cars you might choose. The fact that other people will think that even though it looks good, it is still a piece of crap car is the least of your concerns.

 

That's not a matter of stigma. That's a matter of increased risk and one's willingness to take that risk.

 

There's also no stigma in deciding NO.

 

Perhaps stigma is not the word I should have used.

 

My point is OP is dumping the guy because he has BPD and she decided she didn't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not questioning her right to remove herself from a situation but she decided not to date that guy because he has BPD.

I'm just calling a cat, a cat.

[MidwestUSA]

I see people using 'BPD'. To be clear, BPD is borderline personality disorder. I wish there was a simpler abbreviation for bipolar, but I always spell them out to be clear.

 

I probably would NOT date someone with BPD. Bipolar? There might be a chance with proper meds and compliance, and that is what my original answer referred to.

[Maleficent]

I see people using 'BPD'. To be clear, BPD is borderline personality disorder. I wish there was a simpler abbreviation for bipolar, but I always spell them out to be clear.

 

I probably would NOT date someone with BPD. Bipolar? There might be a chance with proper meds and compliance, and that is what my original answer referred to.

 

Oh my bad...this coming from the girl doing a major in psych....

*facepalm*

[MidwestUSA]

Oh my bad...this coming from the girl doing a major in psych....

*facepalm*

 

LOL! Two days in restraints for you!

[mightycpa]

Perhaps stigma is not the word I should have used.

 

My point is OP is dumping the guy because he has BPD and she decided she didn't want to deal with it.

 

I'm not questioning her right to remove herself from a situation but she decided not to date that guy because he has BPD.

I'm just calling a cat, a cat.

 

Calling a cat a cat is tautological. There's no reason to say it. I think you were saying more, because she pretty much owned up to that early in the thread. She predicted pain and her unwillingness to deal with what she thought was inevitable:

 

I gave it some thought and broke it off. I don't think I can or want to deal with emotional and financial hardships that are sure to happen in the future. I need an equal partner.

 

Why did she think it was inevitable?

 

Say you are in early stages of dating and he reveals that he has a bipolar type 1 and has to take 3 types of medication (one being lithium).

 

Dealbreaker?

 

She couldn't have been clearer. You didn't need to amplify her decision as if any of us didn't understand.

 

So I think you questioned the legitimacy of her decision. Or maybe her moral fiber or something. I think you intended to make a judgment, and not a kind one.

[GTR King]

I would only date someone who is Bipolar if they took control of there illness & managed it. If They couldn't do that & it affected our relationship then I would break it off... But would be nice about it

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think that OP is right to stop dating that guy because she already knows how she feels about people with mental illness and it probably would be a disaster for both of them because of that; it's a perfectly reasonable thing to have for a dealbreaker IMO, heck people won't date somebody for being short or fat or with small boobs or whatever and these things are much less significant!!! Or people with cancer or an amputee for that matter. We mentally ill people aren't for everybody!! But I will say that I know bipolar disorder can be very successfully handled with medication and also a lot of brilliant interesting and creative people have it so as long as the person has accepted their diagnosis and will stay on their meds they are just as capable of being a GREAT partner as "normal" people in fact more capable than a whole bunch of them!!

[xxoo]

Why did she think it was inevitable?

 

We can't know what is inevitable, but we can assess risk. What is risk for me and risk for you (and risk for her) depends on the person. Some of us are more risk averse than others; some of us are pre-sensitized to certain risks. Some can't even handle the worry about a possibility.

 

This is what I meant by the gut check. It is assessing the individual's behavior and history, and assessing my response. If the gut says ok, then ok. But if the gut says no, then no.

[Maleficent]

 

So I think you questioned the legitimacy of her decision. Or maybe her moral fiber or something. I think you intended to make a judgment, and not a kind one.

 

I was answering to one of OPs post.

I must have said 10 times in my three or four posts that I was not questioning her right to make that decision so I'm not sure where you read I was questioning her moral fiber or something.

[writergal]

Calling a cat a cat is tautological. There's no reason to say it. I think you were saying more, because she pretty much owned up to that early in the thread. She predicted pain and her unwillingness to deal with what she thought was inevitable:

 

 

 

Why did she think it was inevitable?

 

 

 

She couldn't have been clearer. You didn't need to amplify her decision as if any of us didn't understand.

 

So I think you questioned the legitimacy of her decision. Or maybe her moral fiber or something. I think you intended to make a judgment, and not a kind one.

 

+1 post mightycpa. I see a lot of that happening in this thread and it's so un-necessary. ES was completely upfront about her reason why she chose not to continue dating him.

 

Who someone dates and why is based on their personal choice --whatever criteria they set for themselves. Everyone has their own criteria. That doesn't mean one person's criteria is wrong if it's different from yours (yours being a general yours).

[NJ123]

We can't know what is inevitable, but we can assess risk. What is risk for me and risk for you (and risk for her) depends on the person. Some of us are more risk averse than others; some of us are pre-sensitized to certain risks. Some can't even handle the worry about a possibility.

 

This is what I meant by the gut check. It is assessing the individual's behavior and history, and assessing my response. If the gut says ok, then ok. But if the gut says no, then no.

 

I just wish people would be more informed on some things before jumping to conclusions. This isn't directed towards you. As I said what if the illness they have is being treated & they almost have no symptoms at all of anything while on meds. Would they still refuse to date them because of some diagnosis.

[xxoo]

I just wish people would be more informed on some things before jumping to conclusions. This isn't directed towards you. As I said what if the illness they have is being treated & they almost have no symptoms at all of anything while on meds. Would they still refuse to date them because of some diagnosis.

 

In that case, my gut would probably say yes and date the person.

 

But someone else, due to their own experiences, might not be comfortable with it. It's not necessarily lack of being informed.

 

Keep in mind that not everyone on medication stays on medication. That's a worry and an unknown, even if the individual is currently medicated appropriately. A long history of stable behavior would be persuasive.

[NJ123]

In that case, my gut would probably say yes and date the person.

 

But someone else, due to their own experiences, might not be comfortable with it. It's not necessarily lack of being informed.

 

Keep in mind that not everyone on medication stays on medication. That's a worry and an unknown, even if the individual is currently medicated appropriately. A long history of stable behavior would be persuasive.

 

I know that, but it's up to their doctor whether they recommend they stay on meds or not. If they go against their doctors advisement than I agree there could be problems.

[Quiet Storm]

As someone who has dealt with serious mental illness in close family members, I certainly agree that it is not the sufferer's fault. I also agree that many mental illnesses can be managed and improved with medication and/or behavioral therapy.

 

Since I am married, I change the question around to "Would I want my kids to date someone with mental illness?" I think all of those who are looking for a relationship should love yourself as much as you would love your kids, and should protect yourselves from those that have the potential to hurt you or create problems in your life.

 

The answer is no, I would not want my kids to date someone who has mental illness, especially one serious enough to require medication.

 

We cannot predict the future, but we can use facts to mitigate risks. I feel that mental illness is a factor that increases the chance of relationship problems.

 

I don't find statements like "as long as they are taking their medicine and responsible for their mental health, they'll be fine" comforting. The thing with mental illness and medication is that you are relying on someone who is mentally ill to be responsible for their own health.

 

Making an adult responsible for their own mental health care seems perfectly reasonable when someone is taking their medicine and is stable. This doesn't reflect my real life experiences, though. My experience is that someone can be responsible & properly medicated for YEARS, and then suddenly decide they no longer need to be medicated. I have two bipolar cousins that did this. 5-10 years of stability and then just stopping the medicine and creating all kinds of havoc- crazy spending, cheating on their husbands, neglecting their kids, doing drugs, etc.

 

This creates all kids of problems- financial, infidelity, addiction, drama, violence, dishonesty, etc. Since they are adults, the spouse and family members have very little control over them or their medications. You can't just drop them off at the psych ward and expect the doctors to keep them until their meds kick back in. At least that's how it works here in the US. If they don't want to be medicated anymore, they don't have to be. They won't get admitted against their will unless they threaten suicide or serious harm to others. This is why there is so many homeless on our city streets. At one point, many were medicated and stable and their families were hopeful... but years went by and life happened.

 

In my opinion, years of stability would not make me any more confident, because I've seen it change on a dime in multiple cases.

 

So for me, if I were advising my kids, I would want someone for them that doesn't need a substance or chemical to remain stable. Medication is a variable that you, as a partner, will not have any control over. It could become unavailable, it could become unaffordable, it could result in serious side effects, it could lose it's effectiveness over time.

 

No relationship prospect comes with a guarantee and everyone has some issues, but seriously dating someone who requires medication for the rest of their life to remain mentally stable is too big a risk to take, IMO.

 

I think you made the right choice, ES, and I understand why you made that choice. We should all strive to be compassionate, considerate and caring individuals - but we do not have to risk our own futures or well being in the process. Why even go down that road and get emotionally attached? Then it just creates more pain in the long run.

 

I understand that my opinion will seem unfair & judgemental to those that are medicated, stable and do not deserve to be judged or stigmatized. I'm sorry and it's not my intent to hurt feelings, but my experiences have led me to believe that this is not a risk I personally would want my kids to take.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

+1 post mightycpa. I see a lot of that happening in this thread and it's so un-necessary. ES was completely upfront about her reason why she chose not to continue dating him.

 

Who someone dates and why is based on their personal choice --whatever criteria they set for themselves. Everyone has their own criteria. That doesn't mean one person's criteria is wrong if it's different from yours (yours being a general yours).

 

^^^

This.

 

Dating someone who is going through depression because their loved one passed away or because they went through a difficult divorce is NOT what *I* consider to be a mental illness. I would date a person who was going through a depression of this nature and see if they ever overcame it.

 

However, *I* choose NOT to date a person who is bipolar or who has any other type of mental disorder that involves them having to take Lithium or other strong types of medication for the rest of their lives so that they can go through each day, each month and each year of their life WITHOUT having a psychotic/manic episode or mental "flare up".

 

And yes, I consider myself to be normal. I do NOT have a mental disorder. I do NOT have a mental condition/disorder that requires having to ingest potent medication and receive mental therapy. I do NOT have psychotic/manic episodes or mental "flare ups" that I need to "manage" and subdue via taking daily meds. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not - no one is.

 

If members of this site want to resort to name calling - which I have not and won't ever do - and call me "ignorant" or "apathetic" because I CHOOSE *NOT* to involve myself with a person who has a mental disorder, then that is their opinion. I just choose not to get involved with someone who has to take medication every day of their life just to keep themselves from acting out. A poster on here said that "there are people with mental disorders who take their meds as prescribed and that they manage their condition succesfully and would NEVER have a psychotic episode or a mental "flare up".

 

How could ANYONE know this for certain?! There is NO guarantee that a person with a mental disorder who has to take medications every day of their life won't eventually have some sort of mental break down or episode! THAT is what I *don't* want to sign up for - the possibility that they COULD and very well WILL eventually exhibit symptoms of the mental illness/disorder that they are trying to SUBDUE via medication. Um, no thank you.

 

 

There is an additional "stigma" here on this thread - that people who do NOT have a mental illness or disorder (I can't use the word "normal" because that apparently offends some people here) are "ignorant", "apathetic", "uncompassionate" or "uninformed" people because they CHOOSE *not* to date people who have mental disorders. I stick by my choices and will adhere to my own PERSONAL preferences; no matter who says or thinks I should date people with mental disorders and put up with their lifelong debilitating mental illness and their inevitable psychotic episodes and "flare ups".

 

I've already had the unfortunate and extremely negative experience of having to deal with a person in my life who has a mental disorder...and I guarantee you, I'll NEVER EVER do it again. If that makes me "ignorant" in some peoples' eyes, then so be it.

 

 

.

[GemmaUK]

Given the information or becoming aware of it?

No, I wouldn't.