alphamale Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 dealbreaker. i have a schizophrenic brother and i see first-hand his difficulties in dating, and i also see first-hand how hard it'd be to date anyone with any type of mental illness that requires a form of medication. it's unbelievably difficult to be around people with mental issues, even when they are in therapy and take meds. no for me. why can't you brother date a schizophrenic woman? there must be at least one in the neighborhood 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 dealbreaker. i have a schizophrenic brother and i see first-hand his difficulties in dating, and i also see first-hand how hard it'd be to date anyone with any type of mental illness that requires a form of medication. it's unbelievably difficult to be around people with mental issues, even when they are in therapy and take meds. no for me. That's pretty sad. I guess all these women leave when he tells them about his condition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 To clarify, when I think self-destructive, I'm thinking of self-medicating with alcohol or drugs until you can't function at work, suicide attempts, etc. And as a mother, by "loved ones" I am also thinking of children. I've seen this play out, and it's bad for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
drewdude Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Had a relationship with a girl who had Borderline Personality Disorder once. Worst relationship in my life, drained me emotionally. Never again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 biologically, a lot mental illnesses are just as hereditary as a physical illnesses, and I just wouldn't start out the gate like that. -in my humble genes. The folks in my anecdote support that. Same father, different mothers. The father died of a dementing disease with comorbid Parkinson's. Towards the end he was pretty whacked. I received a caution similar to your post by our brain team when I was interviewed as part of their psychometric evaluation of family history. My mom ultimately died of paraphrenic dementia. Two of her sisters died as a result of Alzheimer's. The docs aren't positive as brain science is still in its infancy but IMO they'll figure it out. Each case helps. The docs helped me better define the differences between psychological and behavioral disorders and organic brain diseases which are fundamental imbalances of brain chemistry/electrical activity and/or faulty neurological structures. Some of both can be lifelong issues and others may result from physical events at a particular stage of life or be 'triggered' if one has the genetic predisposition to a particular failure point. While I might find the science of the brain to be a quite interesting and perhaps even exciting field of study, I prefer not to be doing it on a daily basis in an intimate relationship, hence once I discern the requisite indicators from a lot of experience with brain diseases, I move on. I stay in the milieu with friends because, well, I've been a good friend of the guys for decades and their spouses are part of that package, regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) We all have mental illnesses to some degree. Some are narcissists, some compulsive, some sociopaths, some have PTSD, some BPD, some primarily obsessive OCD, some ADD, some are pathological liars... It is a matter of degree in some cases, and some are dealbreakers. I would appreciate his honesty about it, that is a huge deal and credit to him for being so trusting and opened. I would try to see how it looks in practice and how is he handling it. But since you already say for yourself that you are selfish, then think about what kind of a guy will be with a selfish woman. That does not exactly rank high on any guy's list of attractive traits in a romantic partner. So he is also probably better off without you and with someone more emphatic. OP just described a scenario where a man's emotional and financial life is destroyed because of something like this. And you call her being selfish? I call it being wise and discerning. Edited March 1, 2015 by bathtub-row 5 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 ES -- you made the right choice. The scenario that you describe with your married friend is awful. Don't regret your decision. It was a good decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 For me, yes. Personality issues are pretty common but mental illnesses are too unpredictable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Say you are in early stages of dating and he reveals that he has a bipolar type 1 and has to take 3 types of medication (one being lithium). Dealbreaker? Tough Eternal. Every person I've met wants love. The ability to give it back and express it is vast. Like anyone else that you choose to date, it is all about compatibility. Difficult is relative and tbh, exclusive to a person's needs. If you decide to continue dating, I hope you gather information about bipolar disorder. Lucks 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) I think even if someone is unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with a mental illnrss, a healthy relationship can still work. If that person is receiving the right treatment and medication, and they are adament about continuing with that treatment and medication, there is no reason why he/she cannot participate in a long-term, loving, stable healthy relationship. Whatever their symptoms are/were, can easily be kept in check, remaining virtually nonexistent....when receiving the proper treatment and meds. It's only when they stop treatment and go off meds when things go kaplooey! You might be surprised to learn just how many people who are currently engaging in successful long-term relationships suffer from some sort of mental illness...and bipolar is very prevalent in our society today. It always existed...but it's only recently that more and more people are being diagnosed. I don't know if that means the stigma is beginning to dissipate...I hope so! Edited March 1, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Wow, that's a tough one. It kind of breaks my heart to see how strong of a deal breaker that diagnosis is across the board here. I'm not criticizing, just reflecting on how hard it must be for someone with that dx. I feel compassion as well, but I agree with the comment about having the best chances with someone on a similar wavelength in terms of emotional and mental health. So two people with similar or complementary mental illness would probably work out better. And I relate in a way, because I had a troubled, neglected, quite dysfunctional childhood, and am learning that most people who had a more normal childhood just don't see certain things from my point of view, can't relate, don't empathize much. So now I'm trying to find more people like me, who come from a troubled upbringing but have taken significant strides to overcome it and live a good life in spite of it. I don't rule out the more normal guys, but now I'm a lot more up front about the facts of who I am. This is one of the best things about online dating. It offers the opportunity to consider far more potential partners than you could in daily life. I predict that eventually we'll see many more targeted dating sites for people of all kinds. If I had the capital I might devote some time to creating dating sites for the various fringe groups. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think even if someone is unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with a mental illnrss, a healthy relationship can still work. If that person is receiving the right treatment and medication, and they are adament about continuing with that treatment and medication, there is no reason why he/she cannot participate in a long-term, loving, stable healthy relationship. Whatever their symptoms are/were, can easily be kept in check, remaining virtually nonexistent....when receiving the proper treatment and meds. It's only when they stop treatment and go off meds when things go kaplooey! You might be surprised to learn just how many people who are currently engaging in successful long-term relationships suffer from some sort of mental illness...and bipolar is very prevalent in our society today. It always existed...but it's only recently that more and more people are being diagnosed. I don't know if that means the stigma is beginning to dissipate...I hope so! i'm sorry, but this is a response that does not show any education about mental illness and how it affects people. medicines do not contain the illness or make them "virtually nonexistent" at all, they just lessen the symptoms. the condition is present every single day and someone wakes up every single day with their condition and needs to handle it. the medications inhibit actions or emotions, but do not cure anything and certainly do not make it non-existent. in fact, medicines can make it worse because ALL medications for mental illness come with side effects which might include weight gain, lethargy, delusions, emotional detachment, etc. many people with mental illnesses are in relationships, but terming those successful or stable likely overreaches. i doubt that anyone with a partner who has a mental illness would call their relationship stable or successful because it takes an immense amount of work - every single day - and it never goes away. anyone who can actually partner with someone who has a mental illness has the heart of a saint, truly. if you have never experienced it first-hand you don't know it's difficulties and a relationship would be very difficult to maintain for both people, especially the 'normal' partner if they aren't educated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 i'm sorry, but this is a response that does not show any education about mental illness and how it affects people. medicines do not contain the illness or make them "virtually nonexistent" at all, they just lessen the symptoms. the condition is present every single day and someone wakes up every single day with their condition and needs to handle it. the medications inhibit actions or emotions, but do not cure anything and certainly do not make it non-existent. in fact, medicines can make it worse because ALL medications for mental illness come with side effects which might include weight gain, lethargy, delusions, emotional detachment, etc. many people with mental illnesses are in relationships, but terming those successful or stable likely overreaches. i doubt that anyone with a partner who has a mental illness would call their relationship stable or successful because it takes an immense amount of work - every single day - and it never goes away. anyone who can actually partner with someone who has a mental illness has the heart of a saint, truly. if you have never experienced it first-hand you don't know it's difficulties and a relationship would be very difficult to maintain for both people, especially the 'normal' partner if they aren't educated. This is absurdly melodramatic. Most people will meet the criteria for anxiety or depressive disorders at some point in their lives. Eating disorders are skyrocketing. About 1 in 5 people can be diagnosed with depression at any given time. Are you suggesting about 20% of Americans aren't capable of normal, healthy relationships---any more than people who are naturally arrogant hateful, deceitful, or all other kinds of messed up that aren't technically mental illnesses? I would agree if you were referring to only serious illnesses including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but all mental illnesses? C'mon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I didn't say or even suggest that treatment and meds act as a "cure" for anything. Read my post again. I said they help to combat the "symptoms," often times resulting in those symptoms becoming virtually nonexistent. Do you know what virtually means? It means not always... but in many cases they do. At the very least, meds and treatment lessen those symptoms...as you said. But a cure? No way and I never said that. And lest you think I am not educated about mental illness, my sister was diagnosed with bipolar five years ago, and has been receiving treatment and meds ever since. As such, I learned everything I could about it. And BTW, my beautiful sister got married last year to a great guy and they have a lovely, very healthy supportive loving relationship. So I know first hand that healthy loving relationships are possible. Not always and I never said that. Only possible. If that's not your experience, I accept that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I'm glad you were able to break it off, now. I dated someone with depression for a couple of years - I didn't find out until I was too deep to just up and leave. Emotionally, it was the most difficult time in my life. Walking on eggshells, never quite sure what mood he was going to be in...and knowing that the mood could shift instantly at any time. I let boundaries get pushed and accepted behavior that I otherwise wouldn't have because he was "sick" and I loved him and wanted to help and was trying to be "patient" and "understanding", blah blah. I become consumed with his problems and trying to figure out how to help him and lost a bit of myself in the process. The stress was unimaginable. Not to mention how *isolating* it was. Honestly, I'm still scarred from the experience. No two people are alike and situations will vary, of course, but a serious disorder like that, inevitably becomes a third party to the relationship. More than that, it will take priority. *It just has to.* If your goal is to have a harmonious relationship, you don't stand a chance of that happening if the illness is in full swing. Making sure it stays at bay and working to get it under control when it's not, will be the primary focus for as long as you're together. I spent a lot of time playing caretaker instead of girlfriend, while not getting my needs met...and ultimately started showing signs of depression myself. This is really an instance where knowledge is power. I still care for my ex dearly, but I know now more than ever, I need an equal partner in life. You need to be in tune with yourself and what you need in a relationship and realistic about how well a person in this position will be able to meet those needs. Fortunately, you seem to have already worked that out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think if someone has a mental illness it would be obvious to the other person on the first few dates. It would just show. No it would not. Not everyone with an illness goes around twitching and drooling and trying to transmit radio waves through a foil hat. There are very, very high-functioning people with mental illnesses in this world. Many, like my ex, are super intelligent and can be quite charming and funny in social settings (when he can muster the energy to go out). It's around the people with whom they share the deepest intimacy that the wall comes down. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 This is absurdly melodramatic. Most people will meet the criteria for anxiety or depressive disorders at some point in their lives. Eating disorders are skyrocketing. About 1 in 5 people can be diagnosed with depression at any given time. Are you suggesting about 20% of Americans aren't capable of normal, healthy relationships---any more than people who are naturally arrogant hateful, deceitful, or all other kinds of messed up that aren't technically mental illnesses? I would agree if you were referring to only serious illnesses including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, but all mental illnesses? C'mon. sadly, most people on forums have opinions but not the facts. eating DISORDERS are not mental illnesses, so you might want to read up more on those. they can coexist with a mental illness but are not one in and of themselves. and the original OP was asking about bipolar, not depression. most people will not, in fact, meet the criteria for depression because they have periods of depression that come and go - they are depressed, perhaps for a few months, but then it passes. would they get diagnosed? Probably. Are they truly depressed? No. Depression and bipolar - any significant mental illness - has to be ongoing for (usually 9+ straight months with no breaks) before it is diagnosed. most people snap out of depressive states before that and are not truly depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 People with mental illness can have fulfilling and close intimate relationships..... I would be in a relationship someone with a mental illness...i would attend appointments and be proactive with his mental health..... i was with a "normal" guy he beat the living crap out of me one time because he had too much too drink..... bad behavior cant be medicated...... mental illness isnt bad behavior...its a disability...... i myself have a disability.......i would never hurt anyone intentionally.....i am classed as mentally ill i am also unmedicated.......i would want to know the person i was dating or in a relationship with....loved me enough not to hurt me intentionally.....anything else i can deal with..if i love someone ...i love and accept all of them ...even their disability..no one is perfect.deb 7 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think the kindest thing people can do is be up front and honest with each other. If someone isn't willing to deal with the baggage that comes with suffering a mental illness, then it's kinder to simply break things off early. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I think if someone has a mental illness it would be obvious to the other person on the first few dates. It would just show. Certainly possible, especially if the condition is substantial and/or the person is off their meds or treatment regime (usually, talk therapy and meds are combined for BP1-2). However, and I credit my exW for the word, people 'mask' their authentic behaviors with socially acceptable behaviors and put on an attractive face based on life experience and interaction with others. In fact, some can appear very generous, sweet and docile. I found this especially true for women, since I dated women. The historical MO was getting one reeled in emotionally, then slowly exposing the 'other side'. I wouldn't take it as far as the classic 'gaslight', but perhaps more akin to putting the frog into tepid water and slowly bringing the pot to boil. When I start to perceive uncustomary responses to otherwise ordinary events, that causes me to look more closely, especially if a pattern emerges. None of us are perfect and yep, people can have an off or bad day, no doubt. It's when a pattern of 'hmm' behavior appears that I start to become concerned. Then there's self-medication. The two folks in my anecdote had/have their own versions. The one who died would go off on benders even though he wasn't a consistent drinker, at all. He could polish off a case (24 cans) of beer just talking to you. They'd go down, faster and faster, until he tipped over, then he'd sleep for a day and wouldn't drink for weeks. The one who's still alive, gambling is her thing. I won't go into details but it's, well, serious but, again, cyclical and not consistent, like with an addict. It matches her swings. Also, when manic, she can get inappropriately sexual and there's a fine line of managing that to of course promote appropriate behavior and not tip her over. Brain chemistry issues can leave people fragile, and sometimes it's hard to know whether compassion or a firm hand is the appropriate tool. Hence, no dates for this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 i'm sorry, but this is a response that does not show any education about mental illness and how it affects people. medicines do not contain the illness or make them "virtually nonexistent" at all, they just lessen the symptoms. the condition is present every single day and someone wakes up every single day with their condition and needs to handle it. the medications inhibit actions or emotions, but do not cure anything and certainly do not make it non-existent. in fact, medicines can make it worse because ALL medications for mental illness come with side effects which might include weight gain, lethargy, delusions, emotional detachment, etc. many people with mental illnesses are in relationships, but terming those successful or stable likely overreaches. i doubt that anyone with a partner who has a mental illness would call their relationship stable or successful because it takes an immense amount of work - every single day - and it never goes away. anyone who can actually partner with someone who has a mental illness has the heart of a saint, truly. if you have never experienced it first-hand you don't know it's difficulties and a relationship would be very difficult to maintain for both people, especially the 'normal' partner if they aren't educated. Actually it's pretty ironic because your response shows a serious lack of understanding of mental illness. It's pretty obvious to me that there are no mental health professionals commenting in this thread and if there is any they are certainly not of the same mindset as you. I'm doing a clinical rotation in the psychiatric unit of my hospital and we are learning that people can still be well with a mental illness. The goal for every individual with a mental illness is to maximize potential and to live a life that they are content with. All kinds of people have mental illnesses, doctors, teachers, nurses, business people. In fact a guy in my class is diagnosed with bipolar 2 and he is very high functioning. He is kind, caring, compassionate, smart. His diagnosis absolutely does not control his life. Having a mental illness is not a death sentence. Sure it's not easy but it's the same thing as having a physical illness only it's affecting your brain. I can understand not wanting to get involved with someone who has bipolar or whatever, but please don't make it seem like these individuals are any less capable or worthy of a loving relationship because it is just not the case for many many people who have an illness that is well controlled. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Actually it's pretty ironic because your response shows a serious lack of understanding of mental illness. It's pretty obvious to me that there are no mental health professionals commenting in this thread and if there is any they are certainly not of the same mindset as you. Here's a big hug from a nurse to you, deb and katiegrl. Thank you!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 There's a really simplistic truth in the fact that some of the worst crimes done against humans and humanity, the people who committed them....have served time in prison not a mental hospital.They have been deemed completely sane, some even have had complete families who had no idea whatsoever of their hearts desires and intentions to do harm to others..... people who seek treatment or recognise and accept their mental illness are in my opinion less likely to do harm to others that is why they seek treatment to protect themselves and or others from the symptoms and actions fo mental illness..... its often behind the words of what people say that is truth....with mentally ill people often that truth comes out forthright ..... its not easy to admit your hear voices or see little green men waving to you from your roof at night.....but yet they do admit it.... i met a guy once......not mentally ill at all...had girls hanging off his arm...very smooth cold calculating behind his words of charm and warmth..he smiled a lot.......he was actually a killer....a hired thug......wouldnt know to look at him though......beside a rather prominent face scar..which he told the delightful tale of falling off his bike as a kid.... they werent silly women attracted to him either they were well dressed clever women.....he always made my skin crawl......he never said anything wrong to me ever.....said all the right things....... i think before you would have a relationship with anyone mentally ill or not.....or date anyone that you would have to know them...and if you take the risk of nto really knowing them before dating them then that is on you so many programs regarding the date from hell who seemed such a perfect guy or woman.......said all the right things did all the right things then turns out to be ....something else..... interestingly enough again....most of these dates when caught ...they go to prison....and not a mental hospital..... sanity has a lot to answer for...so does judging a person unfit due to mental illness....we have enough rights that are ignored when we are sick......i think mental illness deserves a chance to be understood...and ultimately accepted.... i do understand people not wanting to be involved in a relationship with a mentally ill person...but to blanket statement us as out to harm others and a risk intimately.....its a nah......deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 the medications are so effective now a days that in most patients you would never suspect that they are totally looney 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 the medications are so effective now a days that in most patients you would never suspect that they are totally looney do you felt this was a compassionate and caring statement to make in regards to mental illness...as i stated in my above post.....sanity has a lot to answer for...........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts