Would you date someone with mental illness?

[todreaminblue]

deb, you know I've always respected your opinion, even when we sometimes have disagreed in other threads here (which is rare). I do agree with you about asking someone to clarify their opinion. But I also think it's important to just move forward if the person you ask, doesn't comply with your request (either at all, or in a way that satisfies your need for clarity).

 

We all interpret people's statements in our own way. I didn't take offense to that one particular statement or find it polarizing because I didn't interpret it as a serious statement. It came across to me, as more "off the cuff" the type of thing one says in the heat of the moment. I don't think she meant it to be taken as seriously as some people have taken it here. And maybe she should have clarified that in a way that you and others who were offended by it, could accept.

 

But that's just my interpretation. And interpretation is subjective. There's nothing objective where conversation is concerned? Right? Because people's opinions are informed by their life experiences, and whatever worldview they share, or value system they live by.

 

I'm just really surprised no one else saw how flippantly she said the comment. It wasn't seriously intoned at all. It was said in a facetious manner more than one who dictates "this is the way it is." I think she deserves a second chance. I don't view her as a person with an antagonistic agenda.

 

 

yeah your right writergal...absolutely right...i have a problem with trying to hard ......i am frustrated and i feel like crying......thats when i should have stepped back ages ago ...but i didnt.....thats mental illness working on me.....i find it hard to let go of what i perceive to be injustice......and sometimes i get it wrong or overly vigilant.....especially when clarification doesnt come and is ignored

 

i apologise for taking this thread off topic to the op in particular and to the moderators....sorry...........i really do believe that partners friends and families need as much support as a mentally ill person..there si support out there...i just want to give hope a little i guess........and maybe dating a mentally ill person wouldnt be such a stigma......anyway...im out......deb

[Under The Radar]

Yes, I would date someone with a mental illness if the condition was managed with medication, therapy, or a combination of both.

 

Dating is hard enough, so, if I met someone that shared a powerful connection with me, but had a high level of self awareness regarding their mental illness (which was managed), I would personally give it a shot and see where it goes.

 

I have suffered from depression and anxiety at times in my life. As well, I live in chronic pain due to a multi-level spinal fusion, resulting from an accident, when I was much younger ...... it affects my lower back, hips, and knees.

 

Despite these challenges I am happy and well adjusted ...... people do not know about these things unless I choose to talk about it ...... they are always surprised when I disclose said information ...... I appear physically and mentally healthy ....... and by most accounts that is the truth.

 

I am open minded and empathetic to the physical and emotional suffering of others ...... as I hope they would be towards me.

 

I do understand that the choice not to date someone with mental illness is legitimate and doesn't require a justification. I don't view such people as defective in character so long as they are respectful and don't espouse misinformation.

 

I do respect the young man the OP was dating for being honest about his mental health diagnosis ...... IMO, that took a great deal of courage to share and highlighted his respect for her ...... especially since this personal information was communicated early on in the relationship. He could have lied by omission, continued to court the OP, and possibly gained love/loyalty over time without her knowing any of this.

 

He gave her the choice ...... I applaud him for that.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Training Revelations

[neowulf]

As someone who has struggled with depression and watched my family struggle with it, I can't blame anyone choosing to avoid the situation.

 

They say truth often hurts. The mentally impaired often struggle with the nature of their illness. It hurts to hear confirmation that a lot of people will simply reject us out of hand, for something we have little control of. It stings to feel some how less than other people.

 

In truth, while it saddens me to think that people would choose to pass on a relationship with me due to my illness, I completely understand.

 

I don't blame anyone for a second. If I could choose to avoid dating a depressive partner, I would. Much like if I could choose to have my illness cured tomorrow and never have to take meds again.. I would.

 

What matters to me is that people at least try and be kind in their dealings with others.

 

The world isn't fair. It's pointless to get upset over our places in it. Some people will have the empathy to see past our illnesses, much like seeing past other disabilities. We are still worth while people, flaws and all. We are still worthy of giving and receiving love.

[Timshel]

Neowulf It's not the critic who counts......

[writergal]

The bipolar person I dated was sweet natured but very codependent, very moody, paranoid. His family was toxic in that they openly bullied and mocked him in front of me, and his other friends to the point where it made me uncomfortable to be around his family which strained our relationship.

 

I dated another guy in college who was a fantastic artist (oil painter) but had a major problem with boundaries, in that he had none whereas I did. He wouldn't take no for an answer, which involved me calling the police because he would stand outside my apartment building waiting for me, and not in the romantic way John Cusack did in the movie Say Anything.

 

There were a few others I dated who were majorly depressed. That made them emotionally unavailable to me; emotional intimacy with them was impossible because they were in a relationship with themselves and their depressive illness and couldn't or didn't have the ability meet my emotional intimacy needs in those relationships.

 

That's why I can't date someone with major depression or worse. Those relationships never work out for me.

[neowulf]

The bipolar person I dated was sweet natured but very codependent, very moody, paranoid. His family was toxic in that they openly bullied and mocked him in front of me, and his other friends to the point where it made me uncomfortable to be around his family which strained our relationship.

 

I dated another guy in college who was a fantastic artist (oil painter) but had a major problem with boundaries, in that he had none whereas I did. He wouldn't take no for an answer, which involved me calling the police because he would stand outside my apartment building waiting for me, and not in the romantic way John Cusack did in the movie Say Anything.

 

There were a few others I dated who were majorly depressed. That made them emotionally unavailable to me; emotional intimacy with them was impossible because they were in a relationship with themselves and their depressive illness and couldn't or didn't have the ability meet my emotional intimacy needs in those relationships.

 

That's why I can't date someone with major depression or worse. Those relationships never work out for me.

 

All I see is a women who gave it her best shot, but couldn't overcome frankly horrid conditions and general incompatibility.

 

Relationships are a two way street. Your needs matter just as much as there's. Not that you needed me to tell you that

 

Thanks for sharing

[writergal]

All I see is a women who gave it her best shot, but couldn't overcome frankly horrid conditions and general incompatibility.

 

Relationships are a two way street. Your needs matter just as much as there's. Not that you needed me to tell you that

 

Thanks for sharing

 

I'm naturally drawn to sensitive, empathic men. Another guy I dated in college I nicknamed, "sensitive ponytail guy" because he had a ponytail, was a political science major, played the acoustic guitar and sang, wore birkenstocks, made pancakes, had a cat named after one of my favorite writers (probably just to taunt me). I had the marriage planned between us before he asked me out. I had the divorce planned out after he finally did. The man had so many mood swings, I felt like I was on a roller coaster. So, I put on my eggshell shoes and walked around for a while until my feet hurt, then left when I realized this was it and wasn't going to get any better.

 

Yeah, where is that two way street? I seem to be stuck in a one way roundabout that's making my head spin. My needs matter too, that's darn right. Too bad I can't find a man who agrees with me and you. So I'll stay single and eggshell shoe-free.

[neowulf]

Yeah, where is that two way street? I seem to be stuck in a one way roundabout that's making my head spin. My needs matter too, that's darn right. Too bad I can't find a man who agrees with me and you. So I'll stay single and eggshell shoe-free.

 

Well I'm a single man and I agree with you. We exist!

 

It always makes me sad to see a good woman remove herself from the market.

 

Hope your luck changes in the future.

[writergal]

Well I'm a single man and I agree with you. We exist!

 

It always makes me sad to see a good woman remove herself from the market.

 

Hope your luck changes in the future.

 

Ha. Thanks. Anyway, I think it's hard to make these decisions but it happens.

[AprilTears]

I realize I already responded but I am adding for clarity that I am just 4 days out of a relationship with a man who has a mental illness and I am just EXHAUSTED! Dating him was like MY JOB but harder! The emotional roller coaster. Up and down, up and down.

 

Trying so hard to make it work, never knowing what he would be like from one day to the next, walking on eggshells every single second of every single day and feeling HORRIBLE for giving up on him.

 

And after all that work I still don't know how he felt about me.

 

Never again. My sanity is my #1 priority.

Edited March 4, 2015 by AprilTears

[LexiB]

I realize I already responded but I am adding for clarity that I am just 4 days out of a relationship with a man who has a mental illness and I am just EXHAUSTED! Dating him was like MY JOB but harder! The emotional roller coaster. Up and down, up and down.

 

Trying so hard to make it work, never knowing what he would be like from one day to the next, walking on eggshells every single second of every single day and feeling HORRIBLE for giving up on him.

 

And after all that work I still don't know how he felt about me.

 

Never again. My sanity is my #1 priority.

 

My experience was similar (posted earlier). Easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up about leaving. You get one life. You have every right to choose not to sacrifice your emotional well-being for someone who can't even provide basic elements of a relationship - stability, reliability, reciprocated support...

 

You didn't mention how long you were with him and had to deal with that stress, but you might find that talking to a therapist for a while might help you get centered again. Or meditation. Both have been helpful to me.

 

Whatever you do, take this time to focus on healing yourself. Now's the time to apply all the nurturing skills you used on your ex to YOU. Best of luck!

Edited March 4, 2015 by LexiB

[Taramere]

i do understand why would anyone want to take on a mentally ill person as a partner...its hard work...but then...so is any relationship....i would honestly say that personally ...i would want someone to see me for more than my mental illness and realize although i have serious flaws ...who i am is a woman who wouldnt want to hurt anyone...not intentionally.unless it was to defend myself........deb

 

I absolutely cannot imagine you ever behaving in any sort of malicious way, Deb. My impression is that you take a very responsible approach towards your condition, and you're clearly concerned that your loved ones get the support they need when things go awry. I think some people here have probably been in relationships with people who had mental health issues that perhaps they didn't handle in quite such a responsible way. Maybe those unwell people exacerbated certain problems by having personalities that were less considerate, more narcissistic. ...and you're absolutely right that you are more than a mental illness. We all have our own distinct personalities, and those personalities (combined with experience, upbringing etc) - our overall characters - probably dictate in great part how we handle difficulties life presents us with, including illness.

 

I think it's hugely to your credit that despite this thread being difficult for you to read, you put your feelings about that to one side and look at things from the perspective of loved ones who might struggle at times. I think that probably some of the disagreements in this thread stem in great part from people approaching the perspective ES presented at the start of this thread as something that should, in the first instance, be corrected rather than understood. There are likely to be specific problems arising in a relationship where one person has a mental health problem - and in the end, it's probably more responsible for potential partners to question whether they could handle that and whether their own needs would be met within the relationship than it would be for them to dive in optimistically and say "I can handle that easily. I make no judgement....it's not an obstacle to me". Only for them to discover further on into the relationship that they can't actually handle it.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Taramere

[Eternal Sunshine]

 

I do respect the young man the OP was dating for being honest about his mental health diagnosis ...... IMO, that took a great deal of courage to share and highlighted his respect for her ...... especially since this personal information was communicated early on in the relationship. He could have lied by omission, continued to court the OP, and possibly gained love/loyalty over time without her knowing any of this.

 

He gave her the choice ...... I applaud him for that.

 

I very much admire him for the fact that he was so open that early on. I imagine it must be really tough as he could have easily hidden it. He was also open about medications he took as well as any questions I had regarding the illness.

 

To be honest though, if he hid it and I found out months down the line, my decision would not be any different. On the top of dealing with mental illness, I would also have the deceit which in itself is a dealbreaker. It would have destroyed any trust we built and would have wasted both of our times leading to a much messier end.

[AprilTears]

My experience was similar (posted earlier). Easier said than done, but don't beat yourself up about leaving. You get one life. You have every right to choose not to sacrifice your emotional well-being for someone who can't even provide basic elements of a relationship - stability, reliability, reciprocated support...

 

You didn't mention how long you were with him and had to deal with that stress, but you might find that talking to a therapist for a while might help you get centered again. Or meditation. Both have been helpful to me.

 

Whatever you do, take this time to focus on healing yourself. Now's the time to apply all the nurturing skills you used on your ex to YOU. Best of luck!

 

8 months of never knowing where I stood with him. The good times were GREAT and the bad times were HEARTBREAKING!

 

I am considering a therapist. Something I have never done before but I am strongly considering it at this point.

 

In all our time together he only apologized once for something he did and he did so much to hurt me. I make one mistake and he cannot forgive me. He gave me no choice but to go. And it hurts like hell but it was the right thing to do.

 

Today is day 5 of no contact. We have never gone one day without talking so this is not easy for me at all.

 

Thank you for your helpful post!

[gaius]

I have a bit of a thing for trying to make depressed women happy. =/ It's generally a futile endeavour, at best you only develop kind of a short term thing until the high of the new relationship wears off and you become associated with the depression. But I have yet to experience anything better than the first time you really get her engine humming again after a long term period of inactivity.

 

A lot of women who struggle with depression are incredibly passionate and sexual so it sucks that a lot of them are wracked with that and don't end up sharing the energy with anyone.

[regine_phalange]

I dont know. I think I could handle some (ocd or anxiety or ptsd) but others not. I had a boyfriend who checked all the boxes of borderline personality disorder and some of narcissistic personality disorder. It was awful after a while. I would avoid depressed people as well. I have this kind of tendency myself and it wouldnt work out at all. Not schizophrenia either. I know someone who suffered from it. A doctor. Wonderful person married with kids. But didnt take medication properly and commited suicide. One wants to have less possibilities of being a widow.

[Acacia98]

If I developed a mental illness later in life and someone left me, I would completely understand. I would also understand that - from that point on - it will be difficult for me to find a NORMAL person who would want to deal with my mental disorder and who would RISK having to experience and tolerate any symptoms, mental flare ups or psychotic episodes I will most likely end up exhibiting at some point in my life. If I wound up with a mental disorder, I would date OTHER MENTALLY DISORDERED PEOPLE.

 

Really? And how exactly do you know this?

 

Your response kind of reminds me of what I often hear people say about having kids: If I become a mom or dad, I will do this, that, and the other; react such and such a way; and hold a certain perspective. My kids won't throw tantrums/ My home will be tidy/ My hair and makeup will be perfect/ I'll maintain my social life...

Then they have kids and all their previous ideas get thrown out the window. They realize they had no clue what they were talking about.

 

Let's be realistic. If you were to develop a mental illness later in life and your significant other left you, you would very likely feel lonely and abandoned. You would be sad and experience loneliness. This would likely be the case even if your significant other had done the best that he/she possibly could and had to leave for his/her own emotional well-being.

 

Mentally ill people are human, and it is human to want love and companionship and to feel sad and rejected when people opt not to be with you.

 

It is perfectly okay for you to say "I don't have what it takes to date a person with mental illness." I can respect that, but I'm gonna have to call you out on advocating for what is essentially a caste system (the implied idea that people with mental illness should limit themselves to dating other people with mental illness).

[LexiB]

8 months of never knowing where I stood with him. The good times were GREAT and the bad times were HEARTBREAKING!

 

I am considering a therapist. Something I have never done before but I am strongly considering it at this point.

 

In all our time together he only apologized once for something he did and he did so much to hurt me. I make one mistake and he cannot forgive me. He gave me no choice but to go. And it hurts like hell but it was the right thing to do.

 

Today is day 5 of no contact. We have never gone one day without talking so this is not easy for me at all.

 

Thank you for your helpful post!

 

No sweat. I tried to PM you but it looks like you don't have enough posts under your belt (think you need 100). If you get your post count up, I'm here if you need to talk. In the mean time, there are some excellent support groups online and in person or for partners (current or former) of people with depression.

 

Anne Scheffield is the author of some great coping books that made me feel sane again. She developed a support group on line for this too.

 

You might be surprised to see how shockingly common your experience is.

[Starship]

From my professional experience....complete deal breaker.

 

My lifestyle depends on being with someone who is physically and mentally fit.

 

As others state, there is a difference in our obligations towards someone who is our partner as opposed to someone we are getting to know.

[NJ123]

From my professional experience....complete deal breaker.

 

My lifestyle depends on being with someone who is physically and mentally fit.

 

As others state, there is a difference in our obligations towards someone who is our partner as opposed to someone we are getting to know.

 

Well, what if they told you after 6 months or a year where things have been going really well & you're really attached to them already. And they didn't tell you right away due to being afraid of how you'd react.

[Starship]

Well, what if they told you after 6 months or a year where things have been going really well & you're really attached to them already. And they didn't tell you right away due to being afraid of how you'd react.

 

I find trust an essential in my relationship. It's the foundation of opening up emotionally and bonding. I would not stay with a man who lacked integrity and I did not trust completely.

[beach_girl]

My boyfriend and I have been exclusive for 4 months. He told me that he is bipolar two months ago. I decided to stick it out, since he has been stable for eight years and takes his medication religiously. I told him I will give the relationship a shot, with the condition that he stays proactive about his disease and that he manages it. He is currently going through a depressive episode (first time in 8 years) and I will stay by his side. I know it won't be easy, but I love him dearly.

 

Point is, the heart wants what it wants. There really is no right or wrong answer to this question.

[NJ123]

From my professional experience....complete deal breaker.

 

My lifestyle depends on being with someone who is physically and mentally fit.

 

As others state, there is a difference in our obligations towards someone who is our partner as opposed to someone we are getting to know.

 

I find trust an essential in my relationship. It's the foundation of opening up emotionally and bonding. I would not stay with a man who lacked integrity and I did not trust completely.

 

lol so either way their ****ed regardless.

[Starship]

lol so either way their ****ed regardless.

 

Not sure of your point? A woman should sacrifice herself because some fellow has a mental disorder? I can only have control of 'my' life...not that of anyone else. I am not going to be in a relationship if it is not in my best interest. I would think that other socially well adjusted adults also look for a relationship that is in their best interest.

 

Do I want to be in a relationship with a man with a mental disorder....no

Do I want to be in a relationship with a dishonest man....no.

 

Neither of the above are exactly rocket science when choosing a partner.

[NJ123]

Not sure of your point? A woman should sacrifice herself because some fellow has a mental disorder? I can only have control of 'my' life...not that of anyone else. I am not going to be in a relationship if it is not in my best interest. I would think that other socially well adjusted adults also look for a relationship that is in their best interest.

 

Do I want to be in a relationship with a man with a mental disorder....no

Do I want to be in a relationship with a dishonest man....no.

 

Neither of the above are exactly rocket science when choosing a partner.

 

I understand that. But you're assuming people in general wouldn't date someone with an illness. I don't know if it's the people on this site, but I made the same thread on another forum & the responses were extremely different than on here. Most of the guys said the woman wouldn't or didn't care. It depends on how it would affect the relationship mainly. Since what if someone has an illness that's completely under control? I just think it's a bit heartless if they have no symptoms or hardly any symptoms, but because they have a label & take medication for it, they become less of an option automatically.