alphamale Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 From my professional experience....complete deal breaker. My lifestyle depends on being with someone who is physically and mentally fit. As others state, there is a difference in our obligations towards someone who is our partner as opposed to someone we are getting to know. what if you were married to someone for a few yrs and they got shot multiple times in the face. would you divorce them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 what if you were married to someone for a few yrs and they got shot multiple times in the face. would you divorce them? Yeah that's a bad analogy for obvious reasons. Getting shot in the face just happens -- there's no way to predict how or when that will happen to you. People are born with mental illness. They grow up with it. It does not suddenly come on (maybe for football players or contact sports players as a side effect of multiple head injuries). So, two totally different things. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yeah that's a bad analogy for obvious reasons. Getting shot in the face just happens -- there's no way to predict how or when that will happen to you. People are born with mental illness. They grow up with it. It does not suddenly come on (maybe for football players or contact sports players as a side effect of multiple head injuries). So, two totally different things. Mental illness is often adult-onset, including bipolar disorder. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yeah that's a bad analogy for obvious reasons. Getting shot in the face just happens -- there's no way to predict how or when that will happen to you. People are born with mental illness. They grow up with it. It does not suddenly come on (maybe for football players or contact sports players as a side effect of multiple head injuries). So, two totally different things. Wow, you are totally misinformed. Anyone could develop mental illness at any point in their life. Anyone can get depression at any time & some can't get better without the need of meds. No wonder you agree with the ones 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Mental illness is often adult-onset, including bipolar disorder. schizophrenia can start to show symptoms as late as 40 yrs old and bipolar usually has an onset between 17 and 30 7 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Wow, you are totally misinformed. Anyone could develop mental illness at any point in their life. Anyone can get depression at any time & some can't get better without the need of meds. No wonder you agree with the ones No wonder you agree with the ones that have no idea what their talking about it, since you don't either. You need to read up on these things before you make statements that aren't true at all. *Post meant towards writergal, but hit submit in previous message by accident. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 We can all agree to disagree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 so you can date someone for a few year then get married in your twenties. one day you wake up and your "normal" spouse is in the looney bin on Haldol, Xyprexa, Risperdal, Lithium and a number of other drugs. happens every day all over the world 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 so you can date someone for a few year then get married in your twenties. one day you wake up and your "normal" spouse is in the looney bin on Haldol, Xyprexa, Risperdal, Lithium and a number of other drugs. happens every day all over the world Very true (minus the wording that is offensive to some valued posters). It is the difference between knowingly signing up for it, and dealing with it when already committed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 We can all agree to disagree. Yes, but not when you don't know what you're talking about. You flat out made a false statement & still think it's true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) I was married to somebody who was bipolar and very abusive. His mental illness did not show up until we were married, so of course I was committed to him, and stayed for years. At the end of the day, it didn't work out because I realized that you cannot be mentally healthy for two people. He did not want to take any meds and became very violent. I was also involved with somebody who was controlling and abusive. And then a narcissist who had no empathy. All these men also said I made them feel calm, like the other poster said. I don't want to be anyone's medication or mental health. My rule now is only healthy people, meaning mentally and emotionally. So, no I wouldn't get involved with somebody with those issues. But if I was already in love with somebody and mental health issues popped up, I would do my best to stick it out with them as long as they were doing their best to manage it. But I wouldn't compromise my safety. I heard a therapist say that you can't have a relationship with somebody who has an unmanaged mental illness. Because they are unable and unavailable to have a relationship. Edited March 5, 2015 by blueskyday 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GTR King Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I have dated someone with Bipolar before.... She never did anything to hurt me and we had a great relationship but it ended on good terms. (Don't speak much now) So if someone has a mental illness and takes control of there selfs and take meds etc then a relationship can work and they should be allowed to date just like any other persons etc 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Mentally ill people are human, and it is human to want love and companionship and to feel sad and rejected when people opt not to be with you. It is perfectly okay for you to say "I don't have what it takes to date a person with mental illness." I can respect that, but I'm gonna have to call you out on advocating for what is essentially a caste system (the implied idea that people with mental illness should limit themselves to dating other people with mental illness). I'm not "advocating a 'caste' system" for ANYONE. I stated that it was something that *I* would do if *I* became mentally ill - with emphasis on the *I*: If I developed a mental illness later in life and someone left me, I would completely understand. I would also understand that - from that point on - it will be difficult for me to find a NORMAL person who would want to deal with my mental disorder and who would RISK having to experience and tolerate any symptoms, mental flare ups or psychotic episodes I will most likely end up exhibiting at some point in my life. If I wound up with a mental disorder, ***I*** would date OTHER MENTALLY DISORDERED PEOPLE. . Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) I'm not "advocating a 'caste' system" for ANYONE. I stated that it was something that *I* would do if *I* became mentally ill - with emphasis on the *I*: . You stated that most people would not want to date a "mentally disordered" person which is untrue. As I said I made this topic in another forum & vast majority said it hasn't affected them at all or hardly. The one guy said he told past girlfriends about his illness & takes meds & it wasn't a big deal at all. And the relationships didn't end due to his illness. As long as the other person truly likes you, than it won't matter unless their not seeking help for it. Edited March 5, 2015 by NJ123 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well, what if they told you after 6 months or a year where things have been going really well & you're really attached to them already. And they didn't tell you right away due to being afraid of how you'd react. This would not be acceptable. It's deceitful. It's different if the illness develops or is diagnosed during the relationship though... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starship Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 This would not be acceptable. It's deceitful. It's different if the illness develops or is diagnosed during the relationship though... So true. It's disturbing how some are so willing to put aside honesty. Life is not a sitcom in which deceit is some minor misunderstanding that everyone chuckles about afterwards. Dishonesty erodes the very foundation of a relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 This would not be acceptable. It's deceitful. It's different if the illness develops or is diagnosed during the relationship though... True, but would these people stay or leave if their boyfriends/girlfriends do develop an illness during the relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 We can all agree to disagree. This isn't something you can agree or disagree on. There are facts about mental illnesses and some people here are misinformed. It's not an all or nothing too - it depends on the mental illness. Some people can have pre-dispositions but never develop a mental illness and some people will have no pre-disposition and develop mental illness after a specific event. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 True, but would these people stay or leave if their boyfriends/girlfriends do develop an illness during the relationship? I can't answer that... Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I was married to somebody who was bipolar and very abusive. His mental illness did not show up until we were married, so of course I was committed to him, and stayed for years. At the end of the day, it didn't work out because I realized that you cannot be mentally healthy for two people. He did not want to take any meds and became very violent. I was also involved with somebody who was controlling and abusive. And then a narcissist who had no empathy. All these men also said I made them feel calm, like the other poster said. I don't want to be anyone's medication or mental health. My rule now is only healthy people, meaning mentally and emotionally. So, no I wouldn't get involved with somebody with those issues. But if I was already in love with somebody and mental health issues popped up, I would do my best to stick it out with them as long as they were doing their best to manage it. But I wouldn't compromise my safety. I heard a therapist say that you can't have a relationship with somebody who has an unmanaged mental illness. Because they are unable and unavailable to have a relationship. And the keyword here is 'unmanaged' Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 (edited) So the question remains: If faced with a person who demonstrates mental disease or defect, specifically diagnosed bipolar 1, would we date that person? There are other threads, and forums, to debate psychology and disease aspects. This isn't the thread. I feel like I'm repeating myself but maybe not. I'd have to look back in the thread to see if I posted a directive. As such, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and everyone gets to retain their posting privileges. Post wisely. Mental illness is a sensitive subject so our guideline regarding civility and respect plays especially importantly here. Thanks in advance for your cooperation! ETA, I did check back and did post a directive about 50 posts ago. Hence, inability/unwillingness to adhere to the topic moving forward may result in cessation of posting privileges. Edited March 6, 2015 by William Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 So true. It's disturbing how some are so willing to put aside honesty. Life is not a sitcom in which deceit is some minor misunderstanding that everyone chuckles about afterwards. Dishonesty erodes the very foundation of a relationship. Some people don't state it right away due to being afraid of the stigma attached to it. This thread alone shows why. But I agree people should tell their partners about their condition before things get really serious. It's only fair, but there's a part of me that doesn't blame them for not saying anything right away if it's something that's completely under control with meds or therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Some people don't state it right away due to being afraid of the stigma attached to it. This thread alone shows why. But I agree people should tell their partners about their condition before things get really serious. It's only fair, but there's a part of me that doesn't blame them for not saying anything right away if it's something that's completely under control with meds or therapy. It doesn't make it any less deceitful to hide this information for so long if the illness was diagnosed. Link to post Share on other sites
Starship Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Some people don't state it right away due to being afraid of the stigma attached to it. This thread alone shows why. But I agree people should tell their partners about their condition before things get really serious. It's only fair, but there's a part of me that doesn't blame them for not saying anything right away if it's something that's completely under control with meds or therapy. Not blame? It's ok to be deceitful? Being honest is telling the other person that you have a mental issue and that it is under control with meds and therapy. Then THEY can make the decision to keep seeing you or not. Hiding a major potential deal breaker is not ethical. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Not blame? It's ok to be deceitful? Being honest is telling the other person that you have a mental issue and that it is under control with meds and therapy. Then THEY can make the decision to keep seeing you or not. Hiding a major potential deal breaker is not ethical. It's not okay. But as I said I can understand why some do it. Like for instance, you & some others in here it seems would dump them automatically even if they were in therapy & taking meds & had literally no or very few symptoms that doesn't affect their life in a negative way. I mean if you connected with the guy on so many levels & got along perfect, but he told you he takes meds for depression & is in therapy which completely controls his condition, you still wouldn't give him a chance even if it wouldn't affect the relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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