She left me - out of the blue

[ralfgarnett]

Open and honest ..... Yes, as I said in my previous post.....

 

Do I know where I stand, I know where I stand now but who knows what tomorrow will bring, does anybody know ?

 

I agree with you there Richie and for me it was / is the shock of thinking you know someone so well and then boom the bomb drops out of no where and blows everything you thought you knew to pieces, I was thinking about this only this afternoon and personally speaking I don't think that I can ever fully trust a woman again and as much as I don't like saying that its the truth right now, because after sharing 20 years with my wife and her just effing off out of no where for no good reason then how can I trust again ?, not speaking for my mate Richie but I bet if he sat down and thought about what I just said maybe he would say the same, over to you Rich.

[Richiebuoy]

Yes, as much as I would like her too I'm not really expecting her to come home now. But if she did, the one thing that could be a problem is trust.....

[ralfgarnett]

But Richie its not about them coming back its about us reconnecting with them and vice versa of course, I told her last week that if ever we were in a position the try again then we would now need to start at the bottom as friends, then if that worked we could become boyfriend and girlfriend until such time as we could even consider living together again but moving in together straight away would in my opinion be sheer madness, but its all pie in the sky anyway because as with you the way I feel at the moment it is a million miles away if ever but you never know, it all depends how much hope you carry as averse to sheer blind deludedism ( I know that's not a real word but I couldn't think of the right word).

[Richiebuoy]

But Richie its not about them coming back its about us reconnecting with them and vice versa of course, I told her last week that if ever we were in a position the try again then we would now need to start at the bottom as friends, then if that worked we could become boyfriend and girlfriend until such time as we could even consider living together again but moving in together straight away would in my opinion be sheer madness, but its all pie in the sky anyway because as with you the way I feel at the moment it is a million miles away if ever but you never know, it all depends how much hope you carry as averse to sheer blind deludedism ( I know that's not a real word but I couldn't think of the right word).

 

Deludedism is a good word, if it isn't one then it should be.......

 

But to the point. It really depends on what broke and just as importantly why it broke. Some things are fixable, somethings aren't. Everybody's different, for me an affair would be un-fixable, for others it could be fixed. Most would say if the love had gone its un-fixable but there could be other issues, as we touched upon earlier, depression, hormones, behavior all could be factors which could make it fixable, complicated but fixable.

 

In our case we should sit down and be brutally honest with each other (which is what I feel should have happened but she didn't allow it, maybe in her eyes we are un-fixable) and to tell each other the real truth of likes and dislikes, pro's and cons of us, our marriage and each other.

 

Then and only then could we decide if its fixable and indeed did we want to fix it.

 

If we did we could then start with a clean slate each, put the past behind us and work on the fixes.

Edited December 2, 2014 by Richiebuoy

[ralfgarnett]

I agree with you mate, but wouldn't it of been nice of them to have given us the bloody chance to sit down and talk about what was bothering them before they buggered off, that is one of the things that bugs me so ruddy much that I wasn't even given the chance after 20 years and out of no where with no signals in advance, what in gods name were they bloody well thinking of ?, who do they think they are to treat us like this ?, well I tell you what mate I hope they get a cold awakening soon so they realise exactly what they are doing and what they are leaving behind, I have not had a good day today been having uneasy thoughts about her, I have been thinking about if in due course she starts dating someone else ad he turns out to be a woman beater or something, I have done my best not to think of her with someone else but today for some reason it has been nagging at me, ok some would say let them get on with it and learn a hard lesson at the hands of some git, but I don't want that for her, but by that time if she had been with another bloke then regardless if she wanted to or not, it would be deffinitely too late for any kind of reconciliation unless of course I didn't know about it, early night tonight I think had a busy day 3 appointments and busy with work.

[Richiebuoy]

Its unbelievably uncanny how you echo my thoughts exactly..............

[ralfgarnett]

Its unbelievably uncanny how you echo my thoughts exactly..............

 

That's because were right and they are in the fekking wrong hence the difference between right and wrong, basically Rich it is all about common courtesy and good manners, and the way they have behaved is bloody ill mannered and we as better people can identify that in them, these bloody women are irritating bastsrds when you think about the way they have gone about things, I never had any issues with her when she was here but just recently I have noticed a decline in her manners towards me and it really gets my fekking back up sometimes an di told her a few weeks ago that she has become ill mannered since living in squalor with her fekking lowlife brainless family again and whilst in my company I wont f-cking put up with it, anyway 5 days NC now and no urges to contact, my birdayt next week and am thinking about completely ignoring her then too then after that Espana for 5 days loads of booze, tapas, sun and maybe senoritas but I doubt it not quite at that stage yet, it was odd enough being asked out by a barmy polish bird glad I didn't go in the end she would of done my nut in.

[Richiebuoy]

Yes with you all the way Ralph

 

I feel Sam has treated me with contempt.

She was a fairly straight person as far as I could see so Its difficult to know just how deliberate or calculating she has been. She may have felt unhappy before but got over it and thought the same might happen this time......who knows .....they just dont/wont say.

[ralfgarnett]

Yes with you all the way Ralph

 

I feel Sam has treated me with contempt.

She was a fairly straight person as far as I could see so Its difficult to know just how deliberate or calculating she has been. She may have felt unhappy before but got over it and thought the same might happen this time......who knows .....they just dont/wont say.

 

 

And not only is this very frustrating but it is also very hurtful, it is almost like piling on the pain as if the initial pain of separation out of the blue isn't hurtful enough to cope with, I have thought many times about the shock factor of separation with no warning, and not only is it akin to a shock bereavement but it is also enough to knock someone sideways and could even cause serious harm to someone or even worse and I honestly believe that, my analogy for this is it is almost like getting a knock on the door and a police officer telling you that he is very sorry there has been an accident and he has some very bad news for me, the only plus point to come out of this for me is that as I will never marry again then I now I know that I will never be widowed.

[ralfgarnett]

Btw Rich not hijacking your thread but I thought you might be interested in reading this thread that I started last night it might help you but then again it might be early days yet for you, anyway bailing out for now will be back and posting about 7pm tonight, chin up mate have a good day best you can

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504448-break-up-emails-texts-you-show-me-your-i-ll-show-you-mine#post6031375

[Justanaverageguy]

But to the point. It really depends on what broke and just as importantly why it broke. Some things are fixable, somethings aren't. Everybody's different, for me an affair would be un-fixable, for others it could be fixed. Most would say if the love had gone its un-fixable but there could be other issues, as we touched upon earlier, depression, hormones, behavior all could be factors which could make it fixable, complicated but fixable.

 

In our case we should sit down and be brutally honest with each other (which is what I feel should have happened but she didn't allow it, maybe in her eyes we are un-fixable) and to tell each other the real truth of likes and dislikes, pro's and cons of us, our marriage and each other. Then and only then could we decide if its fixable and indeed did we want to fix it.

 

If we did we could then start with a clean slate each, put the past behind us and work on the fixes.

 

I used to think like you Richie - thinking about logical steps you can take to "fix" a relationship. Men tend to think of it almost like a broken down car. If we can just figure out what is wrong then we can fix that, start it again and everything will be ok. Drive off into the sunset. Love and women really don't work like that. The feeling of love is not part of logical part of a humans brain and I'm still not sure if women actually have that part at all (sorry I joke .... kind of). I will say I still don't completely understand women but I do know this. They are incredibly emotional creatures. Men look at problems in a relationship from a logic standpoint. Women look at them from an emotional angle. Its all about how it makes them feel. Seriously that's all they really care about.

 

At the moment your wife FEELS she no longer loves you - that's why she left. Trying to sit her down and having a logical conversation with her about the issues and problems you had and what you will do to fix them is not going to change her mind. Why ? Because that's a logical argument it doesn't change her feelings. The feeling of love to her is already gone and no amount of you telling her you will change things or fix things will bring it back. You can't convince her to love you with a discussion or a logical argument. YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER FEEL IT. Seriously. That's the only way to get her back - the only way to change her mind. And most men think showering her with gifts or attention, or going to counseling or even just begging her to come back will do that. They will make her feel things yes .... but at a time when she has left and doesn't feel attracted to you they will actually make her feel that you are pathetic and unattractive which is definitely not what you want. The last thing she wants to do right now is sit down and talk about the problems in your relationship. Seriously it is the very last thing on her mind.

 

The way to make her feel love or attraction for you again is to make yourself the best and most attractive version of yourself you can be. To deliberately withdraw from her and show her you are coping, moving on and in fact thriving without her. The most powerful human instinct is that people want what they can't have. If you make yourself less available to her, move on with your life she will likely be drawn back to you. You cannot tell someone to love you. You cannot sit them down and convince them with a logical argument. It does not work.

 

You and Ralph need to get on 180 bandwagon. Don't agree to meet for Christmas. Don't agree to meet for Birthdays. If she asks to see you tell her you can't that you are having friends over for a big party and having a whale of a time. Make sure you invite some of the friends she actually knows and then don't pretend to have a good time .... actually have one! Get drunk, dance on the god damn table so everyone in the neighborhood is talking about your party! Why ... because these types of actions will invoke emotions in her. She will hear about your great party and how well you are doing without her. She will feel jealously and feel like she is missing out. She will be upset that you seem to be coping without her. She will FEEL these emotions inside her - not just hear it as a boring logical argument. Men think they have to "nice" their ex back .... nothing could be further from the truth. Go out there and rub it in her face how well you are doing. Buy a god damn sports car or something completely crazy.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[Richiebuoy]

I used to think like you Richie - thinking about logical steps you can take to "fix" a relationship. Men tend to think of it almost like a broken down car. If we can just figure out what is wrong then we can fix that, start it again and everything will be ok. Drive off into the sunset. Love and women really don't work like that. The feeling of love is not part of logical part of a humans brain and I'm still not sure if women actually have that part at all (sorry I joke .... kind of). I will say I still don't completely understand women but I do know this. They are incredibly emotional creatures. Men look at problems in a relationship from a logic standpoint. Women look at them from an emotional angle. Its all about how it makes them feel. Seriously that's all they really care about.

 

At the moment your wife FEELS she no longer loves you - that's why she left. Trying to sit her down and having a logical conversation with her about the issues and problems you had and what you will do to fix them is not going to change her mind. Why ? Because that's a logical argument it doesn't change her feelings. The feeling of love to her is already gone and no amount of you telling her you will change things or fix things will bring it back. You can't convince her to love you with a discussion or a logical argument. YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER FEEL IT. Seriously. That's the only way to get her back - the only way to change her mind. And most men think showering her with gifts or attention, or going to counseling or even just begging her to come back will do that. They will make her feel things yes .... but at a time when she has left and doesn't feel attracted to you they will actually make her feel that you are pathetic and unattractive which is definitely not what you want. The last thing she wants to do right now is sit down and talk about the problems in your relationship. Seriously it is the very last thing on her mind.

 

The way to make her feel love or attraction for you again is to make yourself the best and most attractive version of yourself you can be. To deliberately withdraw from her and show her you are coping, moving on and in fact thriving without her. The most powerful human instinct is that people want what they can't have. If you make yourself less available to her, move on with your life she will likely be drawn back to you. You cannot tell someone to love you. You cannot sit them down and convince them with a logical argument. It does not work.

 

You and Ralph need to get on 180 bandwagon. Don't agree to meet for Christmas. Don't agree to meet for Birthdays. If she asks to see you tell her you can't that you are having friends over for a big party and having a whale of a time. Make sure you invite some of the friends she actually knows and then don't pretend to have a good time .... actually have one! Get drunk, dance on the god damn table so everyone in the neighborhood is talking about your party! Why ... because these types of actions will invoke emotions in her. She will hear about your great party and how well you are doing without her. She will feel jealously and feel like she is missing out. She will be upset that you seem to be coping without her. She will FEEL these emotions inside her - not just hear it as a boring logical argument. Men think they have to "nice" their ex back .... nothing could be further from the truth. Go out there and rub it in her face how well you are doing. Buy a god damn sports car or something completely crazy.

 

Thanks for your post justa, to be honest I'm not trying to sit her down and do anything, she's over 100 miles away and we have little contact. In fact I dont contact her at all though I will reply with a short and sweet should she contact me.

 

As for sitting down and talking, well this would be a start but it will only happen if both of us want to have a go, at the moment that is not the case.

 

As for dancing on the tables, trust me, that would be a complete turn off for her ..... but I did find the thought amusing.

 

Finally, going out and buying a ports car is just exactly what i did yesterday, a very nice Mercedes Benz convertible..........just to cheer me up

[Richiebuoy]

Btw Rich not hijacking your thread but I thought you might be interested in reading this thread that I started last night it might help you but then again it might be early days yet for you, anyway bailing out for now will be back and posting about 7pm tonight, chin up mate have a good day best you can

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504448-break-up-emails-texts-you-show-me-your-i-ll-show-you-mine#post6031375

 

I took a look at the thread Ralph and to be honest I'm not sure we are going to learn much from other peoples emails and texts but I have to say its highly amusing though

[BetrayedH]

I used to think like you Richie - thinking about logical steps you can take to "fix" a relationship. Men tend to think of it almost like a broken down car. If we can just figure out what is wrong then we can fix that, start it again and everything will be ok. Drive off into the sunset. Love and women really don't work like that. The feeling of love is not part of logical part of a humans brain and I'm still not sure if women actually have that part at all (sorry I joke .... kind of). I will say I still don't completely understand women but I do know this. They are incredibly emotional creatures. Men look at problems in a relationship from a logic standpoint. Women look at them from an emotional angle. Its all about how it makes them feel. Seriously that's all they really care about.

 

At the moment your wife FEELS she no longer loves you - that's why she left. Trying to sit her down and having a logical conversation with her about the issues and problems you had and what you will do to fix them is not going to change her mind. Why ? Because that's a logical argument it doesn't change her feelings. The feeling of love to her is already gone and no amount of you telling her you will change things or fix things will bring it back. You can't convince her to love you with a discussion or a logical argument. YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER FEEL IT. Seriously. That's the only way to get her back - the only way to change her mind. And most men think showering her with gifts or attention, or going to counseling or even just begging her to come back will do that. They will make her feel things yes .... but at a time when she has left and doesn't feel attracted to you they will actually make her feel that you are pathetic and unattractive which is definitely not what you want. The last thing she wants to do right now is sit down and talk about the problems in your relationship. Seriously it is the very last thing on her mind.

 

The way to make her feel love or attraction for you again is to make yourself the best and most attractive version of yourself you can be. To deliberately withdraw from her and show her you are coping, moving on and in fact thriving without her. The most powerful human instinct is that people want what they can't have. If you make yourself less available to her, move on with your life she will likely be drawn back to you. You cannot tell someone to love you. You cannot sit them down and convince them with a logical argument. It does not work.

 

You and Ralph need to get on 180 bandwagon. Don't agree to meet for Christmas. Don't agree to meet for Birthdays. If she asks to see you tell her you can't that you are having friends over for a big party and having a whale of a time. Make sure you invite some of the friends she actually knows and then don't pretend to have a good time .... actually have one! Get drunk, dance on the god damn table so everyone in the neighborhood is talking about your party! Why ... because these types of actions will invoke emotions in her. She will hear about your great party and how well you are doing without her. She will feel jealously and feel like she is missing out. She will be upset that you seem to be coping without her. She will FEEL these emotions inside her - not just hear it as a boring logical argument. Men think they have to "nice" their ex back .... nothing could be further from the truth. Go out there and rub it in her face how well you are doing. Buy a god damn sports car or something completely crazy.

 

Great, great post. Sometimes you wish you could just put this stuff in a needle and inject it into the patient. Sorry it was so readily dismissed.

[Richiebuoy]

Who dismissed it ?

[Justanaverageguy]

Thanks for your post justa, to be honest I'm not trying to sit her down and do anything, she's over 100 miles away and we have little contact. In fact I dont contact her at all though I will reply with a short and sweet should she contact me.

 

As for sitting down and talking, well this would be a start but it will only happen if both of us want to have a go, at the moment that is not the case.

 

As for dancing on the tables, trust me, that would be a complete turn off for her ..... but I did find the thought amusing.

 

Finally, going out and buying a ports car is just exactly what i did yesterday, a very nice Mercedes Benz convertible..........just to cheer me up

 

Haha nice - at least you got the sports car covered As for the rest - if table dancing is not your thing then find something that is. And don't think of it in terms of what she would like or what she would be attracted to. Just do what you want - just go out and have fun. Believe me I know that can be hard but just try and put your self in the best mind set and best position where that is most possible. Do positive things, with positive people and change your focus from her to you! Stop thinking about what you can do to fix the relationship. Stop thinking about talking to her. Let your lawyer deal with it.

 

Go and meet new people. Go on holidays like Ralph is doing. Take that new car on a road trip to somewhere exotic. If she texts you and it doesn't need a reply don't send one. If it does need a response then text her a couple of days later and keep it short with zero personal or emotional information. She left you - with no explanation. You don't have to respond.

 

Start realizing that up until this point you have given her complete control of the situation and your emotions. You are dancing to her tune. You don't and should not have to. Take back control of the situation and your life. Your happiness does not depend on her!

[BetrayedH]

Who dismissed it ?

 

You did. It's not about the car or actually dancing on the table. That's all you addressed from that post. It's about showing manly strength and becoming confident, mysterious and attractive. Did you get that it's not about having some pitiful talk with her? You need be doing a 180 from what you're doing now.

[Richiebuoy]

You did. It's not about the car or actually dancing on the table. That's all you addressed from that post. It's about showing manly strength and becoming confident, mysterious and attractive. Did you get that it's not about having some pitiful talk with her? You need be doing a 180 from what you're doing now.

 

Rubbish, read it again.

 

Justa, I'm really not dancing to anyone's tune, as I explained, she's over a 100 miles away and there's very little contact. I'm not ready to meet anyone else and I dont fancy a holiday.

 

What I am doing is quietly getting on with my life with a lot of support from my family and friends...... and yes a few treats ..... but thats all I really need right now.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Justa I do get what your saying and to a certain extent your correct in principle, but one has to want to do these things and right now I am not really in the zone nd I guess Richie is most certainly not in the zone, yes just recently I have been away and will be going away again very soon but it has taken a hell of a lot of effort and soul searching for me to get off my backside and do it, but yes I have done it but I couldn't of done it a few months ago as the shock of separation was to just too much, give us time mate we will get there wherever there is of course.

[Richiebuoy]

Ralph's right. Its been less than 6 weeks since the love of my life left. Its way to early for me to pack my bucket and spade and go off playing happy holidays on my own, in fact its probably the worst thing I could do right now. I need to be where my friends and family are...... maybe a few months down the line I might feel differently.

[ralfgarnett]

Ralph's right. Its been less than 6 weeks since the love of my life left. Its way to early for me to pack my bucket and spade and go off playing happy holidays on my own, in fact its probably the worst thing I could do right now. I need to be where my friends and family are...... maybe a few months down the line I might feel differently.

 

 

Back in August I had this crazy idea about catching the Eurostar over to Brussels on my own just to drink beer and to get away from the uk, that was around 6 weeks after my shock, I didn't do it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do it as it was a fantasy, a chum of mine pointed out that it was not my best idea ever and quietly talked me out of it, im glad he did because god only knows what might of become of me or maybe that's what I was doing it for, the point im trying to make is that we all have hopes but not all are feasible and there is a time and a place to see them through, your time Richie is not now but who knows in the new year old boy you might feel like getting away.

e

[Richiebuoy]

Yes good post Ralph, maybe in the new year or more likely in the spring, i always find the spring has a natural feel good factor .... but its a few months away yet

[Justanaverageguy]

Back in August I had this crazy idea about catching the Eurostar over to Brussels on my own just to drink beer and to get away from the uk, that was around 6 weeks after my shock, I didn't do it because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do it as it was a fantasy, a chum of mine pointed out that it was not my best idea ever and quietly talked me out of it, im glad he did because god only knows what might of become of me or maybe that's what I was doing it for, the point im trying to make is that we all have hopes but not all are feasible and there is a time and a place to see them through, your time Richie is not now but who knows in the new year old boy you might feel like getting away.

e

 

Doesn't sound crazy to me. You are free man - why not ? You never know if you never go Everyone is different I guess but for me travel both on my own and also with friends was always a passion and has been a form of therapy for me the last 6 months.

 

The weekend after my D day I flew to London on my own. I caught up for a beer with a mate in Brighton and then spent 2 days exploring London by myself. One of the most amazing and liberating few days I've had. Seriously I've never seen a city like I saw London on those 2 days. Can't really explain it - felt almost spiritual. I remember sitting under a tree in the rain in a park overlooking the tower bridge and kind of just realising even after everything that happened - life would be ok. It still had some pretty good things to offer.

 

The following weekend I visited Rome and walked the entire city till my feet bled. City blew my mind. The weekend after that I did Brussels. Then I had a week working remotely and stayed with a friend living in Paris. Shortly after I had 2 weeks off and spent them with a friend who was living in Biarritz and San Sebastian. Then a couple of weeks later I met with a bunch of friends in Amsterdam for a bit of a boys weekend. Since then I have visited Berlin, Koln, Hamburg, Strasburg, Copenhagen, Prague went to Austria to go skiing then also China for work where I walked the great wall, then the Philippines and also India.

 

If nothing else breaking up with my ex has got me to see large parts of the European and Asian continents . Met some amazing people, did some amazing things I would never have otherwise done. Came to a realization that you can view this juncture in your life as either the worst and most painful thing that has ever happened to you .... or you can view it as a new opportunity.

 

Only you can judge what is best for you but for me meeting new people and visiting new places makes me feel alive. For Richie maybe travel is not the answer. Maybe there is some other dream or task he has always wanted to do but was never able to. All I'm saying is direct your focus onto that. Stop obsessing on the past - why she left, what you did wrong, how painful it is, how she owes you and explanation and how your life will never be the same. Focus your energies on positive things. Happiness is a choice believe it or not. I only just realised that myself.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[Pickmeup]

So sorry for your pain, I am 6 months on from the shock news from my H that our marriage for him was over.

 

All of us on this sight are on a tough journey but we will get through it, one step and one day at a time.

 

Keep us updated on how you do, even when things get better. I always think this site is just lacking on people coming back to tell us when life has got better for them. I want to read the happy endings of these painful times.

 

Keep looking after yourself first and foremost.

[Richiebuoy]

Good post pickmeup.

 

I guess when it comes out of the blue as it it did for me and Ralph its hard because there was no warnings, no building up to it, no rehearsal and no contingency plan. Its like a bullet and it hurts bad.

 

Different people have different ways of dealing with it but I would say for those who just go straight off on an adventure holiday, looking on the bright side and seeing it as an opportunity then there wasn't much love there in the first place.

 

Also in our case, hoping for a reconciliation in the first few weeks is going to be difficult when you paddling down the Amazon or half way up Everest or what ever adventure holiday you choose.

 

How you doing Ralph ?