She left me - out of the blue

[Richiebuoy]

I can only echo Ralph's words and thank you Chewy for your support. I guess we both find ourselves in something of an unpleasant limbo and don't see a way out.

 

We all know that 'time' is the healer and we'll get over it and move on and thats all very true but right now it seems of little help......

 

I hope the new year will feel better but I'm guessing it wont. Maybe spring, with lighter evenings and warmer weather is always an up lifter.

 

I really want to join a gym, I'm not a keep fit fanatic or anything like it but it would be something to do and somewhere to go ..... as well as keeping fit.

 

The Holiday Inn gyms (there's one just up the road from me) also include a swimming pool, I'm no great swimmer but I do like a swim. At 360 smackers a year its less than a quid a day so whats to lose .........

[ralfgarnett]

And don't forget that exercise relesases endorphins which make you feel better, on a personal note been back to my GP today and she thinks I am still quite depressed and has upped my AD to a wopping 45mgs a day, that should make me happier than mr happy at a happiness convention in happy town, doesn't take the loneliness away though.

[Richiebuoy]

Sorry Ralph, whats AD's ?

[ralfgarnett]

Anti depressants, not sure where I would be without them tbh my mood is not good at the best of times but without them I would probably not even be able to function I was so shocked when it happended just as you were I literally felt as though my life had come to an end in those few minutes that I got the speech, I sat here thinking what ?, your going where ? your feeling what ? your having suicidal thoughts ?, your having a meltdown ?, your going staying where ? you need space ?, etc etc etc etc

[Richiebuoy]

Ah got you now...... some of those words " needed space" .... " meltdown" etc are the same words I was given......

[Steen719]

Hi guys. I am the leaver, but I left after he cheated for the 2nd time and oh so much more. You can read it if you want, but I'll just say, he did not deserve for me to stay and my son, who was 20 at the time, encouraged me to leave. I won't go into all of that, but I wanted to tell you this.

 

It was very hard to walk away from my house (now in foreclosure and he lives there rent free until they kick him out) and financially, I was ruined and I live in a rented townhouse and not my lovely home. I had a lot of resentment towards him and I was absolutely crushed at where my life went. I worked (still do, but hopefully only until June) 2 jobs to help my son through college and spent many days depressed, lonely and feeling hopeless. I cannot say it was fast, but I felt better in time. These are some things I did to help myself.

 

I went to a divorce support group. This helped me so much, for a variety of reasons. One was that it was somewhere to go. It also allowed me to vent and I met a very good friend there (one of the facilitators) and I saw some people with problems so much larger than mine. Young mothers with severely limited income, no help from their Hs, a woman whose H left her while she was sick, no money, no job and her power was turned off and she had nowhere to go. Anyway, you get my point.

 

Next, I accepted every invitation that was extended to me. I even went with a friend to her Dr. appointments and sat out in the lobby and read while she saw her Dr. It ate up time and I was with a friend.

 

I started walking more. I walked my dogs a lot - still do.

 

I started doing jazzercise and I did it several times a week. It helped me a lot (still does).

 

I talked to those people who would listen My brother called me daily to check on me as did my sister-in-law.

 

I cried a river and discovered that I could only get through to the other side if I went through the pain.

 

I posted here and read something that helped me immeasurably. I read that holding resentment towards someone is like me taking poison and expecting them to die. Oh so true! I also got a lot of support from people on here who have been through their own hell and come out on the other side, strong, happy and healthy.

 

Finally, I forgave my XH. It took a long time, but once accomplished, it freed me like nothing else.

 

I just wanted to share these things and tell you that it does get better. It hurts, it stinks, it is not fair and it marks us. I'm no Pollyanna. It is still hard sometimes. I miss being married-the good parts and my family will never be the same. However, I have hope for the future and do not EVER wake up with that horrible feeling that I had for so long.

 

Things will improve. Hang in there, love your kids and go help someone who needs it this holiday season, even if it just volunteering to help put food on trucks. Be grateful for your family, your friends, your kids (oh yes) and your health.

 

Best to you.

[ralfgarnett]

I have no kids and I have no family part of my problem is that my wife has been central to my life for so long and I have very little outside of the 4 walls which is not healthy and adds to my depressiion, I loved her dearly I still do, I have been crying on and off today I get days like that, I miss her and wish she was here, above everything I wish she had told me she was having problems and worries but instead she bottled them, said nothing and upped and left out of no where, not only did that shock me but it has hurt me deeply, we were always close always loving always caring and sharing, I just hope and pray that god gives us the opportunity to reconnect somehow sometime down the line so we can move forward in to the next stage of our marriage stronger and closer for the experience but we will see what happens, we have spoke a couple of times in the last few days and she is suffering very high levels and symptoms of stress which worries me as one of those she has described is very serious and very unpleasant for a woman, but at the moment she is closed to the idea of reuniting but time is a healer so lets hope it heals for us, I am not expcting to receive any csmas presents but if I did then the only present I would ever want is our marriage back in tact other than the swirling confused stess and sadness filled mess that we have at the moment, only 5 months or so ago we were here together could it be that maybe one day god permitting that we get a 2nd chance ?, is that so odd that couples do get back together ? surely not but right now it feels a million miles away.

Edited December 23, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Steen719]

I have no kids and I have no family part of my problem is that my wife has been central to my life for so long and I have very little outside of the 4 walls which is not healthy and adds to my depressiion, I loved her dearly I still do, I have been crying on and off today I get days like that, I miss her and wish she was here, above everything I wish she had told me she was having problems and worries but instead she bottled them, said nothing and upped and left out of no where, not only did that shock me but it has hurt me deeply, we were always close always loving always caring and sharing, I just hope and pray that god gives us the opportunity to reconnect somehow sometime down the line so we can move forward in to the next stage of our marriage stronger and closer for the experience but we will see what happens, we have spoke a couple of times in the last few days and she is suffering very high levels and symptoms of stress which worries me as one of those she has described is very serious and very unpleasant for a woman, but at the moment she is closed to the idea of reuniting but time is a healer so lets hope it heals for us, I am not expcting to receive any csmas presents but if I did then the only present I would ever want is our marriage back in tact other than the swirling confused stess and sadness filled mess that we have at the moment, only 5 months or so ago we were here together could it be that maybe one day god permitting that we get a 2nd chance ?, is that so odd that couples do get back together ? surely not but right now it feels a million miles away.

 

Well, I can see how having no kids would be harder. And you have no family whatsoever?

 

I'm not saying it is easy and you are not near to being able to look at your own situation dispassionately. I get that. But you have to get out and do something different if you want to feel better. Volunteer. You think you can't, but just a little help to others can mean so much to them and to you.

 

Time is what will help you; that and a real effort to get out and do something, even if it is just one thing a day. Believe me, I know. I used to go to the Post office to check my mail on those days I was so depressed, just to go somewhere. I went to grocery stores and would end up crying, either in the store or in my car when I got out.

 

My XH tried to reconcile with me. I was not interested at all. Who wants someone who will do this to you? I mean, the person who is supposed to have your back is the one who put the knife there and twisted. UGH. You don't feel that way now, but give yourself time. You will be surprised at how you feel in a year from now. Desiring her might be the last thing on your mind. Today, I feel sympathy for my XH, but no desire to ever be with him again.

 

Try your best to get out some.

[Richiebuoy]

Wise words Steen, thank you. The last bit hit home to me. My wife was my best friend, my soul mate, my confidant, my lover, my world, my future, my everything, I thought this and indeed she told me this.

 

And now, despite nothing happening, is stabbing me in the heart......

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Steen nope I have no living relatives in the UK apart from a few cousins that I barely know and have never had a relationship with and I wouldn't know them if they were stood in front of me, I agree about getting out more it is so important for the mind but not always as easily sadi as done, I am going out lunchtine for a beer with an old pal of mine but after that I will be alone until xmas day and then only going out for a few hours to a frirnds house for dinner but as much as I appreciate the invite I don't really want to go and I just want to be having dinner with her, this is the first time since 1994 that I have been alone at xmas and my parents we still around then so its all quite emotional for me not to mention scary, but in the words of Gloria Gaynor in her most famous song:

 

 

A mother was bathing her baby one night

The youngest of ten, and a tiny young mite

The mother was poor and the baby was thin

Only a skeleton covered with skin

The mother turned round for the soap off the rack

She was but a moment, but when she looked back

Her baby was gawn and in anguish she cried

'Oh where is my baby?' The Angels replied,

 

Chorus: 'Your baby has gone down the plug-hole

Your baby has gone down the plug

The poor little thing was so skinny and thin

It should have been washed in a jug

Your baby is ever so happy

He won't need a bath any more

Your baby has gone down the plughole

Not lost but gone before.'

 

The mother was frantic, the baby was gawn,

But she had got nine more, and the water still warm

She covered her eye-balls and stuck in a pin

Picked out another one ever so thin

Then into the water she brushed off a tear

When she turned back, she said 'crumbs it's not here'

'Now that one has gawn' and in anguish she cried

'Oh where is my baby?' The Angels replied,

 

Chorus:

 

The mother was livid. 'How dare you.' she cried

'Don't take no more chances' the Angels replied

'We've had your two young'ns, we'd like a few more'

Then gave her a nice smile and dissolved through the floor

Now mother was boiling. She smashed in the bath

'You're not having my kids.,' she cried with a laugh

Now they've not touched no water from that very day

'It's the smell' Mother says, 'That keeps the Angels away.'

 

 

Oh dang I seem to have got 70's disco mixed with WW1 cockney music hall oh well not changing it now.

Edited December 24, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[Dobie]

Ralf is there a divorce support group your GP can refer you to ? I think break ups can be harder for us blokes as other blokes just say let's get drunk sod her and you will be OK once you shag a few birds (urghh) I wasn't married to my x mate but I was about to be and like you I made her my world and then she blind sided me and left with no remorse and no comppasion it was as easy for her as taking the trash out .

 

I wish there were support groups for blokes with broken hearts .

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf is there a divorce support group your GP can refer you to ? I think break ups can be harder for us blokes as other blokes just say let's get drunk sod her and you will be OK once you shag a few birds (urghh) I wasn't married to my x mate but I was about to be and like you I made her my world and then she blind sided me and left with no remorse and no comppasion it was as easy for her as taking the trash out .

 

I wish there were support groups for blokes with broken hearts .

 

 

Hi Dobie divorce is not an issue at present, I am seeing my GP regularly and I am also in counselling, I agree about blokeish comments they aren't usefull or practical and certainly not an option for decent blokes like us.

[ralfgarnett]

Richie are you there old chum ?, if so pls give me a nod I want to make sure your ok mate talk to me we are both in the same situation tonight

[Richiebuoy]

I'm here, I know, what a crap Christmas eve...... I'm watching James Bond...... oh dear..... a beer soon me thinks........what you doing Ralph ?

[Richiebuoy]

And so this is Christmas

and what have we done

another year over

a wife on the run

 

and so this is lonely

and what have we done

just loved our woman

who said it was done

 

Happy Christmas

love is over

there's not much to shout

as my words run out

 

..........

 

All together now ......

[ralfgarnett]

a pretty crap xmas eve hear also, a couple of pints lunchtime with an old pal that was nice, but back home since mid pm had a panic attack earlier, watching parades end on 206, all quiet though just me and the 2 kitties thinking about the past 20 xms's, wondering if this is it or will it be sorted by next year, she isn't well at all I am as fit as a flea makes you think how sepration affects us all,either way they deserve what they get and we deserve much better than the hell they have put us through, lets hope for a much better 2015 I really don't want to be like this in a year I was talking to a pal of mine in Malta earlier and seriously thinking about leaving here.

[Richiebuoy]

I know, I think about the future, without her, but then I think of it with her.....

 

**** its hard sometimes......

 

Need to move on........ but got one hand in the past

[ralfgarnett]

the key is learning not to like csmas we did that years ago and it means nothing now

[Richiebuoy]

I could take it or leave it but it was always a big thing for her...... she always made such a fuss....... I guess she's too heartless to think about me this year

[ralfgarnett]

Not heard anything Richie ? mine is coming round in the morning first time I have seen her in 4 weeks not really looking forward to it must admit, she is really irritating me at the moment not sure why probably because of how much she has hurt and confused me.

[Richiebuoy]

Not heard a thing...... at least you have hope, she still wants to see you

[Richiebuoy]

Merry Christmas to Ralph and everybody else who has posted in this thread

[ralfgarnett]

Morning Richie, I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and everyone else on here that has been treated so badly by their partners this year, we all know we deserve better and bit by bit we will get there, I am not a bitter man but I sincerely hope that each and everyone of the callous dumpers has their worst xmas ever and they all get dioreah for the entire csmas holiday, more seriously I hope and I pray that all of them live to regret for ever what they have done and that they suffer purgatory for the rest of their lives while we innocents glide happily in to a sunny happy future, with regards csmas well its just a load of overly sentimental commercialised clap trap, consider it just another printed entry on a calendar thats what I'm doing, symbolically I have this morning taken the 2014 calendar out of my office and will ceremonially burning it outside in the next 30 minutes, that burns away the entire year even though up to July it was great, we had already had 2 great holidays in Belgium and France and the weekend before the bombshell had booked a week in Germany for last September and oddly enough for us we had paid the accommodation in advance instead of paying when we arrive which tells me her cowardly running away wasn't planned, anyway nuts to her and all of the cowards but heres to us the brave survivors facing our problems on the emotional front line day in day out without any break or any where to run off to.

[ralfgarnett]

What a load of crap it all really is, she came round nice as pie brought me 10 nice bottles of real ale and German beer, stays 60 minutes as if nowt had happened then drives off back in to lala land, what the hell is going on with her ?.

[Richiebuoy]

That don't sound good......