She left me - out of the blue

[ralfgarnett]

I know exactly what you mean Richie my WS has mentioned us both moving on so many times but how do you go about it if your not ready for it ? perhaps there is a guide book out there explaining exatly how one should move on, lifes on the up is partially correct but not 2 people are the same and to some of us hobbies and interests are no replacement for our beloved wives, to me if a hobby takes away that pain and distracts from your love then the relationship cant of been worth much to start with, a game of bowels or mountain biking will not help me forget my wife or how much I loved her, I know our past and all that we have shared and nothing on gods earth can replace or mask those feelings.

[chew123]

Ralf, Richie,

 

Moving on is really not possible for any of us at this point. I like to think of it as moving forward. I know this is hard but I don't think it is impossible.

 

We all have to find things to do to take our minds off our former partner. And as I have mentioned before, though many of my activities feel hollow, I believe they will help eventually.

 

I hate to use the cliche but "every journey begins with a single step". We need to somehow get started on our new journey.

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf, Richie,

 

Moving on is really not possible for any of us at this point. I like to think of it as moving forward. I know this is hard but I don't think it is impossible.

 

We all have to find things to do to take our minds off our former partner. And as I have mentioned before, though many of my activities feel hollow, I believe they will help eventually.

 

I hate to use the cliche but "every journey begins with a single step". We need to somehow get started on our new journey.

 

Agreed Chew but how does that journey start ?, maybe its started already as I have for example been on holiday twice since she left and that took me a hell of a lot of effort and a huge leap of faith to do, BUT I did it and also survived my birday, xmas, and NYE so maybe that journey began last year, can either you or Richie or indeed anyone else with views relate to my analogy ?

[Richiebuoy]

Thank you for your considered and constructive opinion Chew.

 

As you have at least bothered to read the posts you will know that I have recently joined a gym, spent time with my daughter over xmas and Ralph has been on 2 holidays and see's his mates regular for a pint and a pie so we are hardly "stupid to continue to wallow in it" as said by another.

 

Of course these things are not moving on, as has been said, we're not ready for that yet, but they are our way of dealing with things as best we can as they come along.

 

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was moving on.

[ralfgarnett]

Morning Richie good to hear from you mate I hope your as well as can be expected, I think what LOTU was saying is that in his opinion its stupid to wallow, he wasn't calling us stupid although with some of the things I have done since she left stupid would be a good description for some of my blunders in trying to cope and woo her back, if only I knew back then what I know now I would of spent at least the first two weeks in total NC with her.

 

 

"Moving on doesn't mean you miraculously no longer love your wife, that would be stupid. To me stupid is continuing to wallow in it and not be pro active in trying to get through this".

 

 

Still here we are in 2015 and nothing has changed, I think I must of been crazy to think that we would get out of the old bad year and things would be different and possibly easier now, just goes to prove your point that moving on, or chews point of moving forward is not that easy to achieve.

[Survivor12]

The first step in moving on is to turn in the direction you want to go. Once you have achieved that & have gained your balance, you will be able to see your future options in front of you & eventually you will be capable of forward motion.

 

The journey doesn't begin with the first step--it begins once you make the choice to turn away from the pain & disappointment. It may take a while before you are ready to move forward but at least you'll be headed in the right direction. The pain of lost dreams will still be behind you & you will still catch a glimpse of it now & then when looking back over your shoulder, but once you are facing in the opposite direction, away from it, your heart will be much better protected.

 

What people are trying to tell you when they say that you need to move on is not suggesting that you are ready to take off running but to just make the choice to turn around.

[Richiebuoy]

Good here Ralph, well as good goes. I went to see my doc. this morning and for once found a doc. willing to listen and understand. Anyway, she has put on Propranolol for anxiety and also Citalopram for depression and set me up an appointment for the Well Being clinic.

Is it Citalopram your on Ralph ?

[ralfgarnett]

The first step in moving on is to turn in the direction you want to go. Once you have achieved that & have gained your balance, you will be able to see your future options in front of you & eventually you will be capable of forward motion.

 

The journey doesn't begin with the first step--it begins once you make the choice to turn away from the pain & disappointment. It may take a while before you are ready to move forward but at least you'll be headed in the right direction. The pain of lost dreams will still be behind you & you will still catch a glimpse of it now & then when looking back over your shoulder, but once you are facing in the opposite direction, away from it, your heart will be much better protected.

 

What people are trying to tell you when they say that you need to move on is not suggesting that you are ready to take off running but to just make the choice to turn around.

 

 

Thanks Survivor very wise words indeed I will think your post over.

[ralfgarnett]

Good here Ralph, well as good goes. I went to see my doc. this morning and for once found a doc. willing to listen and understand. Anyway, she has put on Propranolol for anxiety and also Citalopram for depression and set me up an appointment for the Well Being clinic.

Is it Citalopram your on Ralph ?

 

 

im glad you've been to the doc Richie its a positive step mate, no I am on mirtazapine as they help with sleeping too, so I take mine at bedtime instead of breakfast, what have we done that our spouses actions have left us depressed and on medications, I wish this contastnt nagging would go away I just cant seem to shake off this feeling hanging over me, I am looking forward to the brighter nights maybe they will help with the mood, I think I will start bowling again in spring and I am thinking about volunteering some of my time to local charities, and also volunteered to help on some archeological digs around Europe this summer.

[ralfgarnett]

I don't like the way im feeling tonight I see no hope no future I keep hoping that I am going to die suddenly to take the pain away, I don't like the way im feeling tonight or how my mind is steering me I want my old life or no life at all I know this is wrong but I cant help it I just want to sleep and see my mum and dad again I love my wife and hope that we can be reunited in heavan one day but I don't like the way im feeling I don't like the way im feeling I don't have a future I don't have a future, somebody please help me I don't like the way im freeling I don't like my thought patterns please help me

[outthewindow]

Ralf find a notebook and a pen and write all your thoughts down. Even if it makes no sense, get that thought vomit out of your system, it helps... Really, I promise! Write until it's out, then put it aside and call a friend or play solitaire or something equally repetitive on the computer... Do anything to distract yourself.

 

The biggest help for you right now is to stop your thoughts and stop the negative cycle they are on, write them out, get them out of your head onto paper then distract yourself.

 

If distraction doesn't work, write again.. Keep going until you've written everything out of your brain. Don't re read it now. Either throw it out or put it away for a day you feel good.

 

Go for a walk or do some weights, any excercise will help, it releases happy chemicals in your brain and you need as many of those as you can find right now.

 

Come back here and post do what you need to to get through this night, it will be easier in the morning... I promise!

[Yasuandio]

I have not kept up with your thread. But I recognize the agony you are experiencing right now.

 

I will try to give you some experienced advice. From your post above, it shows you are making progress, plans, thoughts of new things of interests. You must follow through on these tasks.

 

However, concurently, it will hit you like a tornado. EFFING GRIEF, to the inner depth of your soul. This, I compare to an amputation without anesthesia. I have felt this, deeply, this same feeling you are feeling now, perhaps 5 terrible episodes. What I did, was, I went through it, and allowed my body and soul to feel it. It was like crying backwards, heaving, gut-wrenching grief. Perhaps the session lasted at most an hour. I cleaned myself up, and felt relief.

 

These sessions became shorter and less intense - and I allowed myself to feel each one, till it subsided. It was over a 3 year period, that these "serious" bouts or sessions occurred. I would say they aliened with events where I was facing the fact that the marriage was dead, and my hope wad becoming hopeless.

 

I believe this is called grieving. I did not even go through this type of sessions even with the death of my parents. No where near. The last, and I believe final "session" lasted only 5 minuites, at best. Not as agonizing as the other times. A final good-by, perhaps, finally, I let go, for good. For my own good.

 

Herein is a great learning opportunity for you, from my experience. Although there might have been only 5 or so horrendous grieving sessions, in-between each, was a great deal of time wasted, with hoping, analzing, waiting, fortune-telling, and "what-if's." With those, I mas making a conscious choice to NOT MOVE ON.

 

You have choices. You can move forward (aka move on), or stay in neutral and have keep hope alive. Either way, it is agonizing (like an amputation without anethesia). The question is: Do you want the limb removed with tiny needles, one prick at a time? OR, do you want to get the limb removed in one complete surgery - get it over with? Either way, it is painful, and will leave you disfigured, that is a no-brainer.

 

After experiencing the long term needle option, over a four year period, I wasted a lot of time. I got to keep my limb a lot longer, than those who might have opted for the quicker surgical procedure. But, it the end, I still lost the limb.

 

Now, I know this is kinda of a gross way to look at things. But I'm trying to tell you, go do something positive, put your mind elsewhere. Like you listed above (archelogical dig, volunteering, etc.).

 

Use your mind for something different. You mind cannot think of two different things at once. If your mind is concentrating on preparing mashed potatoes for hungry people in a line, thatblive on the street, it is impossible to think about the "you know what."

 

The mind will do what you want it to do. If you want to lay around and be "poor sad me," the mind will accomodate your desires and give you plenty of "grieving sessions."

 

If you provide alternate options for you mind, you mind will cogitate on these different topics. I is up to you. Your choice.

 

You mind is in your brain. Your brain is in your body. If you can get your body in a different environment (that was and remains most difficult task for me, personally), then your mind will immediately be offered alternative stimuli. I know this is true. When I am out, I completely forget all my problems, and am carefree and happy, confident, and strike up "Lucy moment" everywhere I go. The trick is to leave the house. Walk out the door.

 

I hope this helps. Yas

 

PS. Please excuse the typos. I cannot see very well. And there is no word check on this stupid device.

[ralfgarnett]

Hello to you both, I felt bad last night so just went to bed not long after my posting, I had a good nights sleep but I woke about 7am having a huge panic attack and although its mostly passed I am feeling shaky right now, I know the Samaritans are there for me I have rang them many times since July but not for a couple of weeks now but I have them in mind, I just want the pain and ruminating to stop or at least ease off in order just to give myself a break from it, which is why I look forward to bed as I have mostly felt safe there but past 2 nights I have had bad moments.

 

With regards my wife I just cant get her out of my head, I wonder how she is, what shes doing, is she feeling bad like me, does she miss me, does she look back and think of happy memories, all this and more I go through and the thoughts swamp me like a wave and I feel as though I'm drowning in it all and I cant catch my breath, yes I miss her I wish we could of sorted things by now but we haven't and wont be doing, I think she is probably lost and gone for ever and I must face life without her but as you both know it hurts like mad and I am struggling with anxiety and depression, my dr is good to me but there is only so much they can do, I am on the top does of mirtazapine, I take atenolol and buspirone and not sure if they can give me anything else

[bathtub-row]

I don't like the way im feeling tonight I see no hope no future I keep hoping that I am going to die suddenly to take the pain away, I don't like the way im feeling tonight or how my mind is steering me I want my old life or no life at all I know this is wrong but I cant help it I just want to sleep and see my mum and dad again I love my wife and hope that we can be reunited in heavan one day but I don't like the way im feeling I don't like the way im feeling I don't have a future I don't have a future, somebody please help me I don't like the way im freeling I don't like my thought patterns please help me

 

Ralf, I read a story many years ago that I never forgot. You might find it interesting. What happened to you happened to this man. His wife of many years just up and left him and he was completely devastated. So, he walked away from everything and went up into the mountains to die. But, a strange thing happened. After being on that mountain for awhile, just drinking water and not eating, his whole perspective began to shift. I think he was there for a month or so, maybe longer. When he returned, his wife wanted him back but he wanted nothing to do with her. His whole life changed after that.

 

My point is, maybe you just need to let it all go and figure out something else to do. Move to another country, sell everything and go to Jamaica or some sunny place where they can give you a whole new outlook. You're in such a serious, depressive, dark mode and nothing is pulling you out of it. I think it's time to do something else. Throw it all away, throw the pills away, and find a new life and a new you.

 

One day, you'll see that this idiot you're so focused on wasn't worth this much heartache. No one with any amount of heart and caring would do what she did. I've been married and divorced 3 times. But any of my exes will back me up on this -- none of them were shocked that I left them because I gave them a LOT of time to fix things, and I was very specific about what needed to be fixed. They were too devoted to their bad behavior to change but, my point is, I never blindsided them because I would never treat someone that way. Any decent person would do this. Your ex is not a decent person. What you're pining away about is the person you thought she was. It's time to start moving past that, to find your strength and re-invent yourself. For your own sake.

[ralfgarnett]

"My point is, maybe you just need to let it all go and figure out something else to do. Move to another country, sell everything and go to Jamaica or some sunny place where they can give you a whole new outlook. You're in such a serious, depressive, dark mode and nothing is pulling you out of it. I think it's time to do something else. Throw it all away, throw the pills away, and find a new life and a new you."

 

 

I agree with this and only this afternoon said something very similr to a friend, I would love to disappear and start a new but I wish it was that simple, I have responsibilities dn commitments and I have a livig to earn, yes I am in a rut the worst rut ofmy life and I would love to turn my back on it all

for ever

[Yasuandio]

Ralf,

Did you notice my post? Or try one single thing on this page of posts? Can you leave your home and do something different today? And tomorrow? Just as an experiment? Y

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf,

Did you notice my post? Or try one single thing on this page of posts? Can you leave your home and do something different today? And tomorrow? Just as an experiment? Y

 

Hi my friend yes I read your post and I was very moved and impressed by it thank you so very much for taking the trouble, I have been out for a walk and did some shopping then called in on a friend on my way home, unfortunately I cant do anything nerw or different today firstly it is very dark and wwet here in Lancashire but also I suffer arthritis in my right leg and it is giving me hell today, but I take your point and I will be doing new things soon I just nned to feel better and also for the weather to improve as at this time of year in the UK it is awlaways dark an miserable a bit like my mood, thanks again to you and all those kind people that take the time and effoirt to reply to my ramblings, god bless you all you are all such good people.

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

I know you know what you have to do and are doing your best to occupy yourself. I am doing the same. Sometimes it just does not work to dull the pain and I start ruminating.

 

I don't know if you are spiritual at all(I was not very til this happened) but one thing that helps me is meditating and reading self help books. the books help me realize the only one who can pull me out of this is me. I still go down the rabbit hole of why me, how could this have happened to us, etc but I think I pull myself out faster do to the mind control techniques I have learned with meditation.

 

Keep posting,

 

I wish we weren't here, but we are and we are all in this together.

[bathtub-row]

"My point is, maybe you just need to let it all go and figure out something else to do. Move to another country, sell everything and go to Jamaica or some sunny place where they can give you a whole new outlook. You're in such a serious, depressive, dark mode and nothing is pulling you out of it. I think it's time to do something else. Throw it all away, throw the pills away, and find a new life and a new you."

 

 

I agree with this and only this afternoon said something very similr to a friend, I would love to disappear and start a new but I wish it was that simple, I have responsibilities dn commitments and I have a livig to earn, yes I am in a rut the worst rut ofmy life and I would love to turn my back on it all

for ever

 

I understand. Well, I'll just say this, unless those obligations involve kids, then I think anything else is not more important than your life. Just a thought.

Edited January 3, 2015 by bathtub-row

[ralfgarnett]

I understand. Well, I'll just say this, unless those obligations involve kids, then I think anything else is not more important than your life. Just a thought.

 

 

To most extent your correct, no they don't involve kids we don't have any but we have two bootiful cats and I have to do right by them, we chose to have them in our lives and I at least must display the required responsibility by them, we have a mortgae on our house but it means nothing to me I would sell tomorrow if I could and go abroad but the kittys mean the world to me, just because she cant be responsible doesn't mean that I caant, I love them both very much and want to do right by them, thanks BTR you as with all posters are really good well meaning people, god bless you.

[Violetta]

Ralf, Richie, you are both feeling deep hurt and we feel some of it with you!

There is such good advice here eg from Yas. However we each need to do what we can in our lives to heal in the best way for us. You guys are doing lots of that already eg trips, yummy food, retail therapy, professional advice.

I did all that and it helped , as did watching comedy shows , singing anything uplifting and accepting the unconditional love of my pets.

Complete escape might work for some but it was out of the question for me. Personally I don't think abandoning everything to seek solace somewhere else makes sense . As the song goes, "you always take the weather with you" .

Time above all is what it takes is another bromide but it's true. When I now see him in the street about once a year I smile to myself and just think " yuck" and feel grateful for the lucky escape!

[bathtub-row]

To most extent your correct, no they don't involve kids we don't have any but we have two bootiful cats and I have to do right by them, we chose to have them in our lives and I at least must display the required responsibility by them, we have a mortgae on our house but it means nothing to me I would sell tomorrow if I could and go abroad but the kittys mean the world to me, just because she cant be responsible doesn't mean that I caant, I love them both very much and want to do right by them, thanks BTR you as with all posters are really good well meaning people, god bless you.

 

Yep, I understand this completely. Pets are basically kids. The only other things I can suggest is to either let time do its job (it does heal), or do what I did after leaving my abusive ex. I was very traumatized and needed to get past it. I had a son to raise, so checking out from life wasn't an option. So, what I did was check out from everything that I could. I rarely saw people unless I felt like it, I didn't let anyone stress me out or obligate me for anything. All I did was work, pay bills, and take care of my son. And whenever thoughts of my ex came to mind, I made myself think of something else. I absolutely did not do anything I didn't want to do (unless not doing it would Impact my life negatively), and I didn't think about the one person who brought me so much pain. I did that for 6 mos, and it was very, very effective.

 

Maybe some of these things would work for you. I definitely learned the value of changing my thoughts, or diverting them. I hope this year proves to be healing and you come through it with only love, prosperity, and peace in your life.

[ralfgarnett]

Thank you both fro your rpelies, the kittys are very loving and very cute too, I ensure that they get a cuddle and as many troking sessions as I can possibly manage each day, in an ideal world I would love to gather them up and run away somewhere buts its just not practicle, I wish it was as I have had enough of where we live and I would be very happy to turn my back on it for good and start a new, I don't know why but iam feeling worse now than I was before the holidays, maybe a bit of me thought that a new year would bring a new approach but I don't feel any better, I know I am still in shock but im also depressed and very lonely, I wrongly put my wife in the centre of my world and with hindsight that was a mistake but I loved her dearly she was my soul mate and best friend, I miss her very much indeed and often pray that we can salvage our marriage, this coming May we would of been a couple for 20 yars and in June will be our 18th wedding anniversary, I feel shaky just writing those things it sent a chill down my spine and I am feeling very down just thinking that it may well be over for good, I hardly see her and we don't talk on the phone any more they only way these days we would contact each other is by email so we are not close any more, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder I pray that it happens for us, its not over tiil its over so there has to be hope no matter how slim that chance is, btw Richie not heardfrom you for a while now are you ok mate please drop a line to let us know your ok.

[Steen719]

Thank you both fro your rpelies, the kittys are very loving and very cute too, I ensure that they get a cuddle and as many troking sessions as I can possibly manage each day, in an ideal world I would love to gather them up and run away somewhere buts its just not practicle, I wish it was as I have had enough of where we live and I would be very happy to turn my back on it for good and start a new, I don't know why but iam feeling worse now than I was before the holidays, maybe a bit of me thought that a new year would bring a new approach but I don't feel any better, I know I am still in shock but im also depressed and very lonely, I wrongly put my wife in the centre of my world and with hindsight that was a mistake but I loved her dearly she was my soul mate and best friend, I miss her very much indeed and often pray that we can salvage our marriage, this coming May we would of been a couple for 20 yars and in June will be our 18th wedding anniversary, I feel shaky just writing those things it sent a chill down my spine and I am feeling very down just thinking that it may well be over for good, I hardly see her and we don't talk on the phone any more they only way these days we would contact each other is by email so we are not close any more, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder I pray that it happens for us, its not over tiil its over so there has to be hope no matter how slim that chance is, btw Richie not heardfrom you for a while now are you ok mate please drop a line to let us know your ok.

 

Ralf, I know how painful this can be. I would sit and sob, really sob. My efforts to get you to get up and go are born from that pain. I know you are in a world of hurt right now and when others tell you that you will get over it, it seems impossible that they can know how hard it is. Please believe me when I say that I know and many others on here know just how hard it is. I'm not going to tell you (again) to get up and going. I just want to impart this to you. It will get better for you. It will. Believe that. One day, it will hurt a little less and you will be grateful. I was. It was a full 6-9 months before that happened (from my divorce, not discovering his cheating). I spent hours crying. obsessing, depressed and hopeless. I am a different person from that now. I understand that I am much further down the road than you are, but I want to make sure you know that from such pain can come a new you and you will feel better - incrementally. I was married for 22 years, so no quick marriage either. I had nursed him through a life threatening illness, borne the financial burdens, helped him with school and so much more and the thanks I got was to cheat on me. Believe me, I know the pain.

 

You will feel better in time and in the time being, keep posting and get support. You seem amenable to posters giving you support and seem to understand that people here are trying to help you, so keep posting and believe in yourself.

Edited January 4, 2015 by Steen719

[ralfgarnett]

Dear Steen thank for your reply your words are very kind and comforting in many ways, I have had an afternoon snooze and I had a dream that she was here with me on the other sofa and when I woke up in the dark I was sure she was here with me and I reached out to stroke her hair only to realise it was a dream, I miss her Steen I miss everything about her but I will get over this as you say it will just take time, thanks again and god bless you for being so kind xx.