LifesontheUp Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 When you have contact that healing wound is getting picked open. Seriously, cut the contact, for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 8, 2014 Author Share Posted November 8, 2014 Thanks Ralph and your right, live the dream, but for us it was our dream not just mine, a dream to share if you like. Well, who knows, she might come back.... not really. GSS, I don't see anything rude or condescending in my reply to you, in fact, I actually thanked you. You are right Lifey, the contact did open it up, the trouble is we still have things to sort out Link to post Share on other sites
Tinroof53 Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 Does she ever call you now? Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 My dream was similar but Malta but its not gone f-ck her if I want to do it then I will fecking do it, I don't need anyone else to make my dreams come true I am the master of my destiny no one else, time for beer I cant belive I just said that. It was our dream too for when we got older. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 Rather rude reply to someone who is trying to help you. Pardon me for not remembering every little detail of your OP. It was a rhetorical question. Are you always condescending like that? Maybe there's a hint for you. Me GSS ? what did I say wrong ?. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 8, 2014 Author Share Posted November 8, 2014 Hi tinroof, she is due to call me this weekend to get things sorted... she wants money Morning Ralph, I'm not sure who she is addressing as she didn't say .... though she mentions the op so probably me Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) Hi tinroof, she is due to call me this weekend to get things sorted... she wants money Morning Ralph, I'm not sure who she is addressing as she didn't say .... Watch your step Richie, let her do all the talking, don't initiate any conversation with her, when you are talking to her make notes on a pad, tell her what your doing make her realise that your taking her claims seriously be business like they don't fecking like it, can you record the phone call if so do it and tell her at the end what you did, a few months ago when my wife had peed me off I rang her and introduce my self in a business like manner it caught her off guard, the conversation we like this "Morning @@@@ Ralf Garnett, I believe you have been trying to contact me, if so please can you explain the nature of your contact ?" normally it would hello darling you ok what's up babe etc, they don't expect or like the mindshift its not what they are used to hearing, be as strong as you can open your ears and not votre bouche, let her waffle, tie herself in knotts if needs be, be calm, take a deep breath, role play it before she rings you, also take control of the situation don't sit around waiting for that call, you text her and tell her what time today you will take her call, be specific, tell her 12pm or even 1pm if its important to her then she will be punctual, if she says she cant at that time then tell her to forget it as you have other things to do , take control of it be in charge it will put her on the back foot which is what you want, she needs to be unsettled and not smug or empowered in any way, come on Richie show her your Niagra Falls. Edited November 8, 2014 by ralfgarnett Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 We did an agreed list then put it in the hands of a solicitor. I wouldn't have trusted him any other way. I was divorcing and was fully committed to divorce but still found the contact hard. Get it done as fast as you can then you need no contact to finally heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 I have no insight as to why she left, you know her better than me, so your guess would be better than mine. However, there are things that you can do going forward. First I would take inventory of the relationships of good and bad points. What could you have done to make the relationship better? These that can all be applied to the next lady in your life. Secondly, continue the physical fitness aspect, as it helps with the stress and makes a healthier you. The Xbox is ok sometimes, but don't withdraw from society, get out there and pursue activities that gets you around others that you can share interests (golf, photography, camping, hunting, fishing, skydiving, etc) whatever it is that interests you. Also when alone become better read, start with the classics. Try to make a more interesting you, others will notice and appreciate. Additionally, volunteer time to help others, this will take your attention away from your troubles and help those who would appreciate your assistance. Thirdly, the house is a business decision. If it is a good business decision, to sell it, then do so. If it is not, then look to redecorate and make your mark on the place. This is also not a bad idea with your wardrobe as well. Try a different look as well, such as hair, mustache, etc. Finally, give her everything to which she is legally entitled, but keep everything to which you are entitled. Personally, I would disengage from her as much as possible to allow you time to heal. Keep response short and to the point. Don't feel you have to answer immediately to non-essential issues. Additionally, don't feel you have to respond to everything. If she doesn't ask you a question, don't feel compelled to respond. Busy yourself with your life, that you don't have time to think about hers. It will still take time and your emotions will be like a roller coaster, but it will get better with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 Good post and sound advice Ober and like wise lifey. Your right Ralph but its gonna be hard to be tough on the woman I love but I'm not going to let her walk all over me. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Good post and sound advice Ober and like wise lifey. Your right Ralph but its gonna be hard to be tough on the woman I love but I'm not going to let her walk all over me. I know mate if only I could heed my own advice, just been out with my wife and I love her so much I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and to hear those words back, I didn't tell her I was going away and I feel sly but its something I have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 Thats heart felt Ralph, it really is. I would also love to tell Sam how much I love her but of course I cant. How was she with you mate ? Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 She was fine mostly always is that's why its so fekking hard sometimes, I just cant help loving her in fact I love loving her, its difficult not to, I told her today that one day we will never see each other ever again but to always remember that she will be in my heart until my last breath right going for a pint. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 are you ok Richie ? talk to me mate Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 yea I'm ok thanks Ralph, she was going to call this weekend but know wants to call through the week as its awkward at her parents small flat with thin walls.......I dunno..... I miss her so much and back in contact seems to make it worse even though its just texts ...... Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 She was fine mostly always is that's why its so fekking hard sometimes, I just cant help loving her in fact I love loving her, its difficult not to, I told her today that one day we will never see each other ever again but to always remember that she will be in my heart until my last breath right going for a pint. Hey ralph - Just checked back into this thread. My input hasn't been overly welcome thus far but I'd like to add some more advice for you. You don't have to follow this but just something I have learnt again from my own experience. Regardless of the reasons for your separation if your interested in winning her back their are certain behaviors you should avoid. The default reaction for almost all men when their wife leaves them is to turn into crying pathetic messes. Begging for them to come back, sending them love letters and long rambling emails or declaring your undying love when you see them (as you said you did above). I'm not judging at all - that's honestly normal behavior and its what I did at first as well when my relationship broke down. The thing is this type of behavior has the opposite affect to what you are looking to achieve. It makes you appear weak, somewhat desperate and unattractive. Your wife is in a situation where she has decided, for whatever reason, she no longer wants to be with you. You need to think about this situation as if you were back in the dating stage - that you need to win her back and convince her you are an attractive partner. That type of declaration of undying love would send women in the dating stage running a mile. Its not attractive - it comes off as desperate and a little pathetic (sorry not trying to be mean at all just trying to make you see how this comes across while she is in this confused state). In these situations women lose all respect for men who have no spine, no self respect and are willing to be a backup player sitting on the bench waiting for her "to figure out what she wants". I've been through the process and I know how it feels - men become almost paralyzed by the loss and just can't help but say these crazy things to their partner and chase after them. You need to stop that type of behavior and flip the table and take back some of the control and power in this situation. Find your balls again and start acting like a strong, confident man and make her remember the reasons why she married you. Make her realize that if she leaves then you are moving on with your life so she understands what she is giving up. That if she leaves you - your life will go on. You will move on be happy and successful without her. The best way to do that is by following the 180 as other posters suggested already. I can't guarantee this will bring your wife back ... but it will definitely make it far more likely. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Hey ralph - Just checked back into this thread. My input hasn't been overly welcome thus far but I'd like to add some more advice for you. You don't have to follow this but just something I have learnt again from my own experience. Regardless of the reasons for your separation if your interested in winning her back their are certain behaviors you should avoid. The default reaction for almost all men when their wife leaves them is to turn into crying pathetic messes. Begging for them to come back, sending them love letters and long rambling emails or declaring your undying love when you see them (as you said you did above). I'm not judging at all - that's honestly normal behavior and its what I did at first as well when my relationship broke down. The thing is this type of behavior has the opposite affect to what you are looking to achieve. It makes you appear weak, somewhat desperate and unattractive. Your wife is in a situation where she has decided, for whatever reason, she no longer wants to be with you. You need to think about this situation as if you were back in the dating stage - that you need to win her back and convince her you are an attractive partner. That type of declaration of undying love would send women in the dating stage running a mile. Its not attractive - it comes off as desperate and a little pathetic (sorry not trying to be mean at all just trying to make you see how this comes across while she is in this confused state). In these situations women lose all respect for men who have no spine, no self respect and are willing to be a backup player sitting on the bench waiting for her "to figure out what she wants". I've been through the process and I know how it feels - men become almost paralyzed by the loss and just can't help but say these crazy things to their partner and chase after them. You need to stop that type of behavior and flip the table and take back some of the control and power in this situation. Find your balls again and start acting like a strong, confident man and make her remember the reasons why she married you. Make her realize that if she leaves then you are moving on with your life so she understands what she is giving up. That if she leaves you - your life will go on. You will move on be happy and successful without her. The best way to do that is by following the 180 as other posters suggested already. I can't guarantee this will bring your wife back ... but it will definitely make it far more likely. Thanks very much, I know what you say is true and I mostly don't act as I did yesterday but I'm going away in the morning and its the first time in 20 years I have been away without her and it has been making me feel quite emotional, but thanks again for taking the trouble with the advice I know your right just sometimes I struggle to be brave and strong. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 back in contact seems to make it worse even though its just texts ...... Yep, tell her that if she wants money she should contact your solicitor. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Yeah I understand don't worry - I've been in the same position and went through the same feelings so I know how hard it can be to turn that type of behavior off. At times it can feel like you are literally possessed and the words just come out of you. From my own experience - breaking out of that mentality was only something that I was really able to do when I consciously called and end to the relationship myself. Just flat out decided I wasn't going to stand for the limbo crap and what she had done and ended it completely and went NC. Details of my situation are likely a lot different (worse) then yours so I probably found doing that a lot easier. Once I made that conscious decision to move on and showed that through my actions (filing for divorce etc) and by cutting contact fully .... my ex suddenly became interested and came back begging for forgiveness and looking for reconciliation. The problem is by then I had had actually really moved on and was no longer interested. So weird how the whole attraction thing works ..... people only want something when it is no longer available. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Thanks Justa and your right but I'n not ready just yet to throw in the towel, I'm sure my time will come though. Thanks Pete, my only concern is that I dont trust solicitors...... but we'll see Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Hows your situation Richie any news ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Well, we had the big phone call the other night, it went on for about an hour, it was nice to hear her voice again but in all honesty it didn't go well. It all got a bit emotional and sadly a bit heated. She closed some of our joint accounts and has taken more than 50%, I questioned this but she said she couldn't understand why that had happened and would look into it.... bulls**t I said... she has also made what i think are other unreasonable;e demand on the finances. She also wants to deal with everything through solicitors, I think this is silly and very expensive. Yes take advice, use them fir the finalization and any matters which we don't agree on but everything else we could sort out ourselves. Finally the last bit, and this hurt me, she's living at her mum and dads, I know exactly where it is, I've been there many times but I wasn't sure of the actual written address and postcode and I want to write a hand written letter to her..... she refused to give me the address saying she was worried I would harass her mum and dad..... I was mortified that she would say such a thing, I'm not that sort of person and she knows that..... anyway, she did sort of half apologies but I was still hurt..... Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 It all sounds like bs tbh I am drunk now but will reply hwen I have got sober, god bels you Richie im thinking of you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 You too Ralph, take care of yourself at this difficult time, I too am having a nice bottle of wine, I wont get wrecked on it but it does numb the pain.... Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Thanks Richie I'm up but not feeling too great, couldn't face counselling this morning feeling very unsettled I need to go back to the Dr I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts