She left me - out of the blue

[PegNosePete]

With regard to pre-marital asset's, the law is the law and some things are just not negotiable.

Yes that is right, but there is no law regarding pre-marital assets. It's covered by the matrimonial causes act 1973, paragraph 25(2): http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18

Nowhere does it say that pre-marital assets are ringfenced. Contributions are mentioned but that is just one of 8 factors that are considered. Length of marriage usually reduces the relevance of pre-marital assets.

 

You're doing the right thing by listening to your solicitor but don't count your chickens yet.

Edited November 5, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Richiebuoy]

I only have one, her name is Harriet (named after my grandmother) she's about 5 years old (Harriet not my grandmother)

[ralfgarnett]

I told her i would get back to her after seeing my solicitor, and I will. With regard to pre-marital asset's, the law is the law and some things are just not negotiable.

Anyway, today is another emotional day, I have done what every guy that gets dumped does. I suppose it was inevitable, perhaps the only course of action a man can take during such a life crisis, I bought an Xbox

 

 

Isnt that what the US Marines used to take comfort in whilst in Vietnam or was it another type of box ?, I had a great Aunt called Harriet

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm probably stoking the flames---you say your relationship is amicable? Would it be so amicable if you found out there was another man? All the things specific to your story fit the profile of a woman infatuated with another man. It happened to me. Were it not for one paragraph of one of her e-mails sent probably 3 weeks prior to my discovering it, I would have thought she was leaving me for all the vague reasons she concocted.

[Richiebuoy]

Ha ha Ralph, yes that was another box

 

Short answer SC.... no

[beach]

You're so sure there isn't another man you're unwilling to even look to see.

 

Your short, curt, dismissive answers leave so little room for anyone to interact with you - creating an air of arrogance.

 

This may be the issue she had with you in the marriage. Short, curt answers with little communication and a sense of arrogance would turn off most women.

 

Have you ever worked hard at being more open in your communication style? What are you afraid of? Being vulnerable? Protecting yourself? Getting hurt? Think about it - it could be the cause for the marriage ending.

[ralfgarnett]

You're so sure there isn't another man you're unwilling to even look to see.

 

Your short, curt, dismissive answers leave so little room for anyone to interact with you - creating an air of arrogance.

 

This may be the issue she had with you in the marriage. Short, curt answers with little communication and a sense of arrogance would turn off most women.

 

Have you ever worked hard at being more open in your communication style? What are you afraid of? Being vulnerable? Protecting yourself? Getting hurt? Think about it - it could be the cause for the marriage ending.

 

 

Hi Beach how can he look and see if there is another man, in fact how can any of us without stalking our wives ?, not being flippant I m asking a genuine question mate.

 

 

I too did a little snooping checked her emais etc, but you cant find the impossible some things we just cant do, unless we stake them out in avan orsomething and follow them evrey where they go, unless of course you know some tricks that we don't ?.

Edited November 5, 2014 by ralfgarnett

[SycamoreCircle]

Did you ask her face to face?

 

Body language usually gives a person away.

 

Look, I know we're hounding you on this. If you're perfectly content as things are, I guess there's no point pressing the matter. I just feel like this woman is playing you. Pardon the image, but you're like one of those classic Bugs Bunny cartoons where the character slowly transforms into a piece of hard suckable candy on a stick. Get me?

[ralfgarnett]

I'm not speaking for Richie here but if he is anything like me then he is probably in shock and struggling to get out of bed in the morning never mind anything else, I know I was and still am to a certain extent and that's from July, his was only in the last few weeks I think.

[Richiebuoy]

Well thats true Ralph, every day I say to myself, this cant be happening, but of course it is.

 

It seems there's one or two on here that keep going round in circles, like a cat chasing its own tail to try and achieve something that has not happened and then choose to attack me because i do not agree with them. I will continue to ignore them.

 

It is good to deal with those that are positive, that deal with facts, that are understanding, helpful and supportive.

[ralfgarnett]

Well thats true Ralph, every day I say to myself, this cant be happening, but of course it is.

 

It seems there's one or two on here that keep going round in circles, like a cat chasing its own tail to try and achieve something that has not happened and then choose to attack me because i do not agree with them. I will continue to ignore them.

 

It is good to deal with those that are positive, that deal with facts, that are understanding, helpful and supportive.

 

 

Hi Richie I don't think they are trying to attack you, in their way they are trying to help you by prompting you, we are all trying to help each other which is why we are here, we all just have different ways of doing it that's all, we all mean well.

[GirlStillStrong]

I joined this site so I could respond to this thread, which, I must say has been very interesting. Thanks everybody for all of your posts; they have been helping me. I'm on my phone so excuse typos and disconnectedness of ideas, please.

 

1. OP, you seem to be handling this really well, a little too well. Rather detached emotionally if you get my meaning. I think that might be what some of the other posters are picking up on. Maybe a little too unemotional. There's that old saying that opposites attract and I wonder if the person you call your spouse is the opposite in this regard? I can say women like men to not be emotionally detached. It's a common complaint.

2. As a woman nearly in her 6th decade of life on earth who has been through many relationships but never settled down because I've never found a good match for me, I can tell you that since my twenties, every 10 years or so I undergo a major shift or change to my life. I seem to stir things up, jump into something new, sometimes with no warning. There doesn't necessarily have to be a reason this woman has left, other than she wants to try something different. It sounds like she married later in life; not sure the details. But I think people have difficulty balancing how much of what the other person wants for the shared life vs what the individual wants. Some people, like me, are passive and will just do what the other person wants, all the time, and without any conversation about it really. Self-sacrificing.

3. Not sure about British or Australian women but women in the States seem to be pretty vocal about what bothers them in a marriage or relationship. You don't give much info about the person you call your wife, but she must have been talking to SOMEONE about things. Does she have a girlfriend or two that she would talk with? If you want to know what the problem was and sincerely think you would be willing to change to accommodate a solution, reach out to her friends.

4. Some women, on the other hand, do not like to complain and do not like to force their ways onto other people. If you are not the type who can or will get her to talk, then she won't share with you but instead allow her disatisfactions to fester until one day she just doesn't care anymore. She may be waiting for you to be the one who shows the marriage, or the love, or the connection is worth fighting for.

5. Men lean towards thinking there is an affair going on because that is how MEN are, not because that is how women are. Men are historically more likely to have affairs because men are more likely to have the opportunity. Your reasoning is sound, that she just didn't have the opportunity, but by leaving the marriage what she is saying is she is now wanting the opportunity to find someone else. Are you okay with that?

6. Lastly, I understand the feelings surrounding her belongings and all the memories in your house. I have been through this more times than I care to count so let me tell you, what you're feeling is very real and will affect you. I have several suggestions: Get some boxes and start gathering up her things and putting them in the boxes, and putting the boxes out of sight. But if you think there is a chance she will be coming back inside the house for even a MINUTE...actually, even if you don't think there's a chance...call her up and TELL her what you are doing with her belongings and why. Make it clear that it is not because you are moving on with your life, but because it hurts you to see these things. Also, best not to sell the house just yet, as it's not been long enough. My suggestion is to paint. It's cheap, it will change your mood, and it probably needs done now anyway I recommend paying close attention to the colors you choose; check out Maria Killam's website.

 

I think that's all I had. I will say, I get the general sense that you are allowing her, and her apparent confusion, to call the shots. If you feel at all like this marriage is something worth keeping, you may want to show her that you feel it's something worth fighting for. By FIGHTING for it.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh, I just remembered one more thing. Males are typically more outspoken, demanding, and controlling than females, without even knowing it. Men also tend to assume that if the person they are with does not speak up about something, she is happy with all the decisions that are made and the way things are. You may want to ask her if there are some things about your shared life together that she would like. Maybe she doesn't want to go camping all the time. Maybe she would prefer to try something new, like skydiving. Or maybe things that require getting dressed up and going out, another rather common complaint women seem to have. The point is, it is polite and unselfish to actually ASK a woman what she would like, and impolite and selfish to assume you already know the answer. Just a thought.

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks Ralph, the voice of reason as always....

 

Thanks GirlStillStrong, welcome to the thread, you make some interesting points so I'll try and answer in the same order.

 

1. I'm definitely not handling this well, I'm not suicidal nor am I breaking down in floods of tears every day but I am seriously hurting. I don't believe I'm emotionally detached, perhaps the obsession by some that there has to be a 3rd party has distracted me somewhat, but I don't actually know, but we were a very loving couple.

 

2. My wife is not a 'yes' woman, she is a strong person and says what she feels, this is why its confusing for both of us as she's unsure as to why she now feels differently.

 

3. We have friends but tend to be quite private and as I said we tended to live for each other so there's no one really close to her except perhaps her parents but they haven't said anything to me as to why she left.

 

4. I think I've already tried to fight for my marriage but feel she needs time and space so I have backed off for the moment.

 

5. She has left me and so can do as she likes, she has said she's not ready to date yet but its up to her.

 

6.The house, or inside it and its contents are really hard to deal with, well for me anyway, perhaps others might not see it as a problem. I am thinking about decorating it.

 

I'll mention the skydiving we do look after ourselves, we would dress up and go out to dinner at least once a week and often have formal dinners at home to.

 

Thanks again to all the contributors here.....

[GirlStillStrong]

Has she seen this part of you that has feelings? Or do you hide them from her? You don't neee to answer me, just be sure she knows how you feel.

 

I'm glad you got along so well but quite honestly it sounds like the relationship was about the relationship and maybe not enough individuality? IDK, I'm really just throwing out possibilities since you say you don't know why she left. Seriously, a girl needs girl friends, friends of her own to talk to, not just couple friends. Having mutual friends is great, especially other couples, but she may actually prefer some individual time, and support to pursue her own, individual interests, not with you.

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks for your reply GSS, I said in the OP that we had a close and loving relationship, I dont think you can have that by hiding your feelings.

 

We did what we did as that is what we wanted to do, we enjoyed the same things, neither of us was forced to do anything, neither of us dominated, we loved being away in our camper van as do millions of other couples.

[ralfgarnett]

i understand mate I got asked a similar question and gave a very similar answer

[Richiebuoy]

Morning Ralph, i hope your well. I don't know how it is for you but I seem to have good days and bad days, today being a bad one, I cant strop thinking about her and how it might have been different.....

[ralfgarnett]

Not sure today Richie, I have taken today mostly out of the business so had a few scoops last night and feeling it today a bit, she was round last night and I detected some changes in her, then this morning I get an e-amil with 4 kisses on it, WTF ? is all that about ?, she wants to meet up sunday at the war memorial as we always go to that, tbh Richie I don't have good days I have bad days, average days or totally crap days, cant recall having a good day since she left, do you know my story have you read my thread ?, its weird really weird which is why I have empathy with you because its bad enough trying to deal with weird stuff without people adding fuel to your fire about 3rd parties etc, I have been invited out tonight but I cant go because I expect the ruddy fireworks to start again today and tomorrow and its not fair on the cats, still I have nearly a full week in Germany to get full of beer and schnapps and im bloody well going to even if it kills me, I love german beer and food and I am going to pig out big time, taking a wodge with me and will not be holding back Deutchland her I come, tbh I could easily live in Germany or Flanders I love them so much, everything is so much better than the sh-tty uk, and I could fly home to Malta very easily from either coutry, just turn my back completely on the uk and never ever come back,

[Richiebuoy]

Well, perhaps good days bad days is the wrong way to put it. Yes I've read your thread and it has similarities to my own situation.

 

 

When Sam left the first time we had quite a lot of contact and I used to try and gauge things by how many x's she put, silly really I guess. But contact has been not so much this time, we exchanged a few texts yesterday and it upset me and brought it all back, maybe there is something in this no contact stuff.

 

Could your wife's extra friendliness be because of your German holiday coming up ? We had a dream, a very do-able dream about moving to Austria in the next couple of years or so but like everything else in my life, its all gone.

 

Well, I just had to have a treat today to try and cheer myself up. There's not many good things about a marriage break up but ..... Black Pudding is one of them

(Sam would not have the stuff in the house ....said it made her feel sick)

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Richie she doesn't know im going away and im not telling her until I get back, bit of a game I know but hey ho, with you on the black pudding mate I love it, the best ever was Flanders last year where they serve it baked with stewed apple and its fab, Maltese black pudding is good as is Le Boudin Noir Francais, will be seeking out blut worst in Germany next week with huge gerkins and hot mustard washed down with lovely fresh German beer ruddy lovely.

[PegNosePete]

We had a dream, a very do-able dream about moving to Austria in the next couple of years or so but like everything else in my life, its all gone.

Chin up mate, the dream is still there!

 

Move to Austria, why not! Weissbier and strudel for lunch every day, sounds great to me!!!

[ralfgarnett]

My dream was similar but Malta but its not gone f-ck her if I want to do it then I will fecking do it, I don't need anyone else to make my dreams come true I am the master of my destiny no one else, time for beer I cant belive I just said that.

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

That's the attitude!!! We are all responsible for our own happiness.

[GirlStillStrong]

Rather rude reply to someone who is trying to help you. Pardon me for not remembering every little detail of your OP. It was a rhetorical question. Are you always condescending like that? Maybe there's a hint for you.