She left me - out of the blue

[Richiebuoy]

Well, you say "And every single time, it always turns out to be another man" is simply untrue but if you start out with that mind set you will never believe anything else.

 

Anyway, I'm enjoying all the conspiracy theory's and how they twist and turn as facts are put forward always to return to the "another Man" concept.

 

I do accept that a 3rd party is a common part of break ups but its by no means "always".

 

Its probably to be expected that when some folk are the victim of betrayal they're understandably hurt and even bitter about it and cannot see any other justifiable reason for a break up.

 

Of course, all the 3 rd party theory's are based on assumption rather than fact, well, they do say never let facts get in the way of a good story.

 

So, yes there is another man, he came from the grassy knoll

 

Ok, sorry, I couldn't help that

 

So we were always together so its impossible for her to be seeing anyone else. And even if some how I totally missed the obvious, why would she travel 150 miles to her folks house (and yes i definitely know she's there).

 

Ah yes, the facebook theory ! re-connecting with an old flame. Well, I think it would be quite hard for her to spend a lot of time on a secret FB page without me noticing, but lets suppose she did. But lets also throw in a few.....facts......, my wife, Sam, is Australian, we met and she came to the UK to live and eventually marry me, so there are no old flames in the UK, not one. Her parents came here to live in London about 3 years ago.

 

Now, I just know somebody is going to say "its an Aussie guy". Well, first off I know because of previous relations with Aussie guys she has a deep mistrust of Australian men. But more realistically, what person in their right mind is going to give everything up to take a chance on an old flame on FB thats on the other side of the world and that relationship had already failed at least once.

 

Anyway, I think the obsession by some with the 3rd party theory has distracted us from what we're trying to do here. I had a text from her yesterday to say she's extremely depressed and has an appointment to see a councilor so lets hope some good comes from it.

 

Thanks again for all the input.

Edited October 28, 2014 by Richiebuoy
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[Justanaverageguy]

For the record I am not saying every break up is caused by women cheating. I am saying there is a very specific pattern of behavior which matches exactly with your situation which indicates this. I am using the details you provided in this thread to come to that conclusion.

 

Men these days quite simply have no idea what a powerful affect sexual attraction has on middle aged women. When something like this happens - women lose their mind and simply go off the reservation. Affair fog. The pattern of behavior it causes is always the same and the tell tale signs are: A completely out of the blue request for separation, the inability to actually even explain why they are leaving or unhappy - just give vague answers about not being happy or not feeling right etc (because the reason is another man), failure to raise any of the issues or the fact they were unhappy in the relationship previously (because they actually weren't) a refusal to stay and try and work on the relationship despite this being the first time they really raised a serious issue, and oscillating between breaking up and getting back together as they try and decide between their affair partner and their husband. There is also a couple more key elements which is women talking badly or negatively about their husband to close friends as a way to justify why they ended the relationship suddenly. You wouldn't know about this if it was happening as women only really raise this with close friends and family not directly to their partner (unless they get caught cheating). And also the wife normally actively avoiding sex with the husband (maybe you can comment on that ?). These things basically always happen when there is another man involved and you tick pretty much all of the boxes that we have info on. Also the depression your wife is talking about - this is also another sign. It is caused by the fact women who cheat know what they are doing is completely horrible and wrong. Women in this position hate what they are doing .... they simply can't stop even though they want to. It often causes them to have huge bottom outs and depression as they come to terms with their own cheating actions.

 

What I find interesting is your complete refusal to actual even acknowledge it is possible your wife is cheating - even though that is the most obvious and likely cause given the evidence you presented. You have thus far not presented a single reasonable possibility for her asking for a separation (why is it so hard for her to stay in the house with you and work on the situation ... what logical purpose does her immediately leaving to live in a separate residence serve ?) or her inability to explain why she is unhappy - or why she never raised any serious issues with you previously ? You dismiss these irregularities and also the possibility of her cheating out of hand with out doing any investigation. Its just a mystery so I will wait and see if she comes back ..... really ?!?!?!

 

I guess it's up to you. Some guys are happy to stick there head in the sand and just hope their wives come back. Some want to actually know the truth.

[Chi townD]

Prove me wrong! Do some of the things I suggested and rub it in my face and call me a paranoid asshat! I be more than glad to take it.

 

 

But, I have a feeling you might be scared of what you might find.

 

 

So, prove me wrong!

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks for your reply Justa, its appreciated.

 

Some of what you said was simply incorrect. Most of what you said is assumption. Non of what you said is based on fact.

 

I dont have any good reason for not wanting her to have cheated, she's left anyway and it doesn't look like she's coming back so had she cheated I could get angry and not want her back so in fact that would make it easier to deal with in terms of moving on at least.

 

There will be many reasons why a woman would leave a marriage and not give exact details of her reasoning..... it wont always be thats she's cheated.

 

But your representation is really flawed by the fact that you cannot say how where or when this cheating took place without me noticing it.

 

My feelings are that as someone said she is having "Walking Wife Syndrome". Or that she simply no longer loves me (which of course I would except) or finally that she's suffering some sort of clinical depression which of course can disorient people about their feelings.

 

 

 

Thanks Chi for your input too. As you can see from my previous post the FB theory is realistically a non starter.

 

I was curious about the phones though and as we have our cell phones on our business account I did look up the numbers on our online account. Most of the numbers called and received I recognized, a few I didn't, but non of those were repetitive, so no sign of cheating there.

 

The grassy knoll theory still holds good though

[Richiebuoy]

By the by, I would never call anybody a "paranoid asshat" ....... incorrect maybe but never a "paranoid asshat" ......

[Chi townD]

I don't know dude. I still got my spidey senses kicking off. I can't shake the feeling that you're going to get blindsided.

[beach]

So why not just "surprise her" and show up where she is staying and plant yourself there for a few days to see what she's been doing?

[Richiebuoy]

She left me.... why would I want to show up and surprise her ?

[beach]

She left me.... why would I want to show up and surprise her ?

 

Oh dear, you don't really get this do you?

 

 

Ummmm, you can go there and check to see what she's up to.

 

If she doesn't want to come home then let her know to expect divorce papers.

[mrs rubble]

Thanks Raena, thats an interesting point. We are both on the "second time round" as they say, I have a grown up daughter but my wife never wanted kids but its something she now regrets.

 

We do have some of our own interests, she is a passionate cook (and a very good one) and has appeared on a number of TV cooking shows, she likes her crafts too, I like playing my guitar but I guess all these things keep us near to each other. We both have a passion for music and often go and see bands.

 

But our biggest hobby/pastime is travelling, it used to be in caravans but now its the motorhome, we loved it, we would get so excited planning our trips and would go at every opportunity.

 

Whilst we have friends we really wanted to do we we wanted to do, this was never planned but it just seemed to happen that way......

 

At 43 menopause is approaching for her, and if she's regretting not having children, maybe she's taking it out on you. Have you talked with her about her regrets?

I'm a similar age and had a miscarriage last year, I was acutely aware and focused on my own fertility for months afterward, I got very depressed thinking about it and couldn't focus on much else.

[Justanaverageguy]

Thanks for your reply Justa, its appreciated. Some of what you said was simply incorrect. Most of what you said is assumption. Non of what you said is based on fact.

 

I dont have any good reason for not wanting her to have cheated, she's left anyway and it doesn't look like she's coming back so had she cheated I could get angry and not want her back so in fact that would make it easier to deal with in terms of moving on at least. There will be many reasons why a woman would leave a marriage and not give exact details of her reasoning..... it wont always be thats she's cheated.

 

But your representation is really flawed by the fact that you cannot say how where or when this cheating took place without me noticing it.

 

My feelings are that as someone said she is having "Walking Wife Syndrome". Or that she simply no longer loves me (which of course I would except) or finally that she's suffering some sort of clinical depression which of course can disorient people about their feelings.

 

Everyone here is trying to make you see what is going on. You say you have nothing to lose and no good reason to not want her to have cheated .... but you do. You know you do. Every man who has a wife does. You have your manhood. Your image of your wife and your entire life you built together. You have all the ideals you have held about love and marriage and the way the world works. I've been in your shoes bro and I would do anything for things to be different. Being dumped .... that sh#t is easy. Its a walk in the park. Having your wife cheat on you and run off with another man ..... that is tough. That is the real earth shattering tough.

 

You say that what I am saying is incorrect. That it is not based on fact but it is entirely based on the facts you put before me. The information you provided. You say I am wrong .... but still you don't actually dispute any of the specific actual arguments I am putting forward. The only reason so far is she did not have time. Let me tell you women can make time because guys are all like you. They all think there wife is a good one. Does she ever do the shopping alone ... go to get her haircut ..... go for coffee with a friend. There are so many opportunities men overlook it is scary because men don't even consider it a possibility.

 

But the most important point I will keep coming back to is simply this. Women do not leave a marriage without giving reason and without acting in a logical manner to try and salvage it - unless the reason is something they can't give and the cause is another man. You know this is true .... it is the core of why deep down on some level you know what is going on. The reason is something she can't tell you. What other reason is there. You think depressed people just leave their husband .... because they are sad. Depression might contribute to what happens but they leave to have sex with someone else! If you were incompatible, fought a lot, abused her, she had expressed over a period of time she was unhappy or had specific problems with your relationship. I would be in your corner man - I would agree it was probably a standard growing apart or falling out of love sitiuation because the facts would support that scenario. But they don't. She did the snap separation - in your own words she "left you out of the blue" and that is caused by pretty much only one thing.

 

I can see your putting on a brave face and not ready to deal with this yet. That's cool - it takes time. When you are ready - sit down think about what happened. Come back and post here and I will be the first one to give you advice on how to deal.

[beach]

She left for a reason. You must have some idea what that is.

 

Yet you insist on posting that everything was picture perfect. We can't help you if you don't have info on what was happening to change her.

 

And what did she say when she came back that week - and what reason did she specifically give you again when she left the second time? She MUST HAVE given you some idea!

 

And IF she didn't - your M was a farce! Because a great marriage is one where both spouses openly discuss their feelings. And they share those feelings so they are heard by the one they are married to.

 

Let's get more info. Take a trip to see her and sit her down and ask her why she left you twice. If she still wants that divorce then give it to her. But for Gods sake have an honest conversation that's REAL first!

[ralfgarnett]

"There will be many reasons why a woman would leave a marriage and not give exact details of her reasoning..... it wont always be thats she's cheated."

 

 

I totally agree with you not everyone is a cheat but its the first thing that everyone thinks of under these circumstances but that doesn't mean they are correct, hold in there Richie you stick to your guns mate I'm with you all the way on this.

[happyman64]

Richie

 

There is clearly something bothering your wife.

 

She obviously does not understand what is bothering her or if she does is unwilling to discuss it with you.

 

So she chose to leave. Twice.

 

All you can do is give her space.

 

Encourage her to seek professional help.

 

Let her know you are there for her.

 

And set a time limit in your head that your are willing to "wait" for your wife.

 

You can only control you and your actions.

 

HM

[Richiebuoy]

Thank you so much for all the reply's, some of which have brought a smile to my face, maybe a rye smile but still a smile, which is just what i need right now. There is no brave face going on here, just utter devastation.

 

Beach, thanks for your input, I'm not sure which bit I "don't get". I really don't think going down to her just after she's left and "planting" myself there for a few days would be a good idea. We have done all the talking , at least for the moment. I also don't think going down there to "check to see what she's up to" is a good idea. Perhaps you could explain what is the purpose of doing that and what do you think I would achieve ?

 

Justa, thanks for your reply, your opening line"Everyone here is trying to make you see what is going on" is this more assumptions from you, but again incorrect. Lets just deal with the actual facts and forget the assumptions.

People used to think the earth was flat, because they could see no other possibilities.

Take the blinkers off my friend, free your mind to other possibilities, there doesn't always have to be a 3rd party.

You have offered many explanations as to why you think there is a 3rd party, all based on assumption but you continue to avoid giving an explanation of how I didn't notice an affair when I was with her all the time, and you will carry on not being able to explain it as its impossible.

 

Lets always remember that not everybody on the planet is a deceitful liar.

 

Thank you again Ralf for your support, its much appreciated.

 

Thank you mrs ruble for your thoughtful and considered posting, so much of that hits home and indeed we did discuss that very thing but I think we dismissed it because we felt 43 was a bit young for the menopause but now we should take another look at that perhaps with the help of a doctor. Thank you again.

 

Thanks happyman, thats good thinking and sound advise, its pretty much what I'm doing now.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Richiebuoy
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[Justanaverageguy]

Hey Richi - I will say again I never said there is always a third party in a break up. Only that I have observed a specific pattern of behavior women follow when cheating which matches with your situation. I have seen this pattern in 7 separate relationship breakups in the last 3 years with people I know directly. Good friends, my sister - people who I knew intimately who I did not think were capable of such things. In all cases the woman cheated - and in all cases the man said it was not possible that their wife could have cheated but were proved wrong. In some cases even when the man had directly knowledge of the cheating and was confronted with this he still actually refused to admit it was possible. In my sisters case nobody except me knows she cheated .... I confronted her at the start of the year because her separation 3 years earlier from her husband followed the pattern I described. She denied it at first but called me some weeks later and admitted she had an affair with another man from her work. Seriously that is for real. She did actually get back together with her husband - and he has absolutely no idea she cheated on him.

 

It's a small sample size I know ... but still a 100% strike rate. It may no always be the case, but from my personal observations with the specific signs I mentioned it has been. I can see however we are just going to agree to disagree and that's fine. No point me pushing my case any further. I hope whatever happens with you and your partner you look after yourself and find happiness at the end of the process.

Edited October 29, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[ralfgarnett]

"Thank you mrs ruble for your thoughtful and considered posting, so much of that hits home and indeed we did discuss that very thing but I think we dismissed it because we felt 43 was a bit young for the menopause but now we should take another look at that perhaps with the help of a doctor. Thank you again.

 

 

My wife is also 43 and convinced that she is on the cusp of the menopause, if so it would prove everything that I have thought.

[Richiebuoy]

Thanks justa, I think your right, we should agree to disagree, good luck and best wishes to you.

 

When my wife first left me I had friends and family drop by in the evenings but this time round i found myself home and alone and it really felt horrible so i went and stayed in a hotel for 3 nights, this seemed better, there were no reminders.

 

But now i'm back home and everything about the house reminds me of her, every room and every cupboard has something of her in it.

 

I was really down yesterday, I kept thinking how much I wanted her back.....

 

Should I re-decorate, maybe I should sell up and move.

[PegNosePete]

maybe I should sell up and move.

No, you should definitely not do this before you've consulted a divorce solicitor to ask whether it's a good idea or not. This kind of thing can be financial suicide when a divorce is on the cards.

Edited October 30, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Richiebuoy]

I guess your right Pete, I hadn't really thought about divvying up, was just thinking about going somewhere different .......

[beach]

You stated you both talked. What was her reason for leaving?

 

Be specific, please.

[Richiebuoy]

Dear beach, thanks for your post. I have already said what she said to me with regard to leaving.

 

That aside, your advice on "planting myself on her for a few days" and "going down there and checking what she's up to" and "tell her to come home or you'll issue divorce papers" just days after our break up doesn't seem to be, in my humble opinion, the best advice.

 

I'm guessing that you are not and never have been a marriage guidance Councillor, I could be wrong of course, its just a hunch but either way, with the greatest of respect to your good self, I'll pass on any further advice from you

[Chi townD]

Dear beach, thanks for your post. I have already said what she said to me with regard to leaving.

 

That aside, your advice on "planting myself on her for a few days" and "going down there and checking what she's up to" and "tell her to come home or you'll issue divorce papers" just days after our break up doesn't seem to be, in my humble opinion, the best advice.

 

I'm guessing that you are not and never have been a marriage guidance Councillor, I could be wrong of course, its just a hunch but either way, with the greatest of respect to your good self, I'll pass on any further advice from you

 

 

 

Soooo. what EXACTLY is your gameplan?

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, listen to Justanaverageguy, he knows what he's talking about.

 

Sorry to say, but my money is on another guy being in the picture.

[beach]

I don't think we can help you when you won't provide enough info that's useful along with a attitude that not a thing was wrong.