Author Richiebuoy Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 My plan at the moment, well, I take each day at a time. I am and have been backed off, I keep contact to a minimum and only respond to her text or calls with a short sweet and to the point reply. I'm being careful with my diet and taking regular exercise, though I'm not in bad shape anyway but it does seem to help. I have family or friends over in the evenings or sometimes I visit them, evenings being my hardest time. I'm trying to think about me and my future which looks increasingly like being without my wife, and how I might move forward with my life. And that's the hard bit. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Easy enough for your wife to engage in an online affair with a guy in London and then decide that moving in with her parents is the best way to explore it. Denial is the first stage of grief. Acceptance is the last. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You haven't explained how you two communicate. You simply said she has had depression. What was she unhappy with you about that made her leave? If she's depressed then her depression followed her to her parents house... So why did she need to go there? Her feelings - what were her feelings in the M that she expressed she was unhappy about? Did she give you any idea on things you could change about yourself that might make the M happier? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yea thats it, she had an online affair even though we were always together and i didn't notice ..... and then she gives up everything she's got for a man that she's never met before..... yea that really makes sense..... ah but wait, there's no grassy knoll.....or is there beach....please read the posts Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yea thats it, she had an online affair even though we were always together and i didn't notice ..... Yes, this does happen. and then she gives up everything she's got for a man that she's never met before..... Oh, in fact we see this quite frequently. It makes you shake your head. Online affairs happen all the time and yes, women frequently buy into the fantasy and go to great lengths to make the fantasy a reality. As a husband, you can't even compete with a fantasy that she's designed in her own head and been reinforced by some guy that knows what to say. Your wife's return home after suffering buyer's remorse actually makes a hell of a lot of sense (and happens with some frequency). yea that really makes sense..... Sadly, it happens all the time. There's a hell of a lot of infidelity going on out there, friend. And it's always the person you least expect: your spouse. And they go to great lengths to hide it. Sarcastic comments about the grassy knoll are getting you nowhere. You've got no explanation for this but you're sarcastically dismissing quite a few veteran posters who are giving you pretty consistent advice. It's not "impossible." It's happened to a lot of people here and the fact of the matter is that you're a rookie when it comes to understanding the mindset of a wayward spouse and the lengths that they've go to in order to hide and pursue an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yea thats it, she had an online affair even though we were always together and i didn't notice ..... and then she gives up everything she's got for a man that she's never met before..... yea that really makes sense..... ah but wait, there's no grassy knoll.....or is there beach....please read the posts Thank you I've read your posts several times but can't see where you've given indicators that would give us clues to what she may deem wrong enough to leave and fixable enough to make effort for the marriage. Good luck. You aren't giving enough info for others to work with. If you think of anything she said that we don't yet know - please post it so others may be capable of sharing their experience with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 " Sadly, it happens all the time " .... uummmm no it doesn't, I know lots of people who have met online and then met up but I don't know a single person who gave up everything to meet someone they had never met before, not one. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it has happened, rarely, but you would have to be not of a sound mind or be fleeing a violent or abusive relationship to take such a massive risk, and that certainly isn't the case here. Please forgive my sarcasm but I do find it amusing that a few conspiracy theorists can only see one possibility, that there is a 3rd party, trust me, there are other possibility's. This last few years we have spent a lot of time travelling in our motorhome (and before that caravans), returning home between travels. Just a note that motorhomes here in the UK are very compact and not the huge bus type ones you have in the USA, you are pretty much living on top of each other so if you ask anybody here about caravans or motorhomes they will tell you that you have to be a close and together couple to enjoy this wonderful pastime. At home we have two PC's sitting next to each other in the study, we dont actually use them that much but when we do its to check mail, check out new places to travel too and also we have a blog which we do jointly. The reality here is she would always being showing me new sites to visit on her screen and vice versa. Similarly we would both be cross checking blog pieces on each other's PC before uploading. Its the same in the motorhome, we have two identical laptops, not assigned to either of us, we just grab the nearest one, again we don't use them that much, we're always out and about but when we do use them its pretty much the same scenario as the home PC's. So yes I'm saying its pretty much impossible for her to be having some secret meaningful online affair without me noticing something and I'm sorry if that doesn't fit in with the conspiracy theorists on here. Now I know somebody is going to say "she must have been doing it when you went to the toilet" but c'mon, lets have at least one foot on the reality ground, that's just grassy knoll stuff....... Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I've read your posts several times but can't see where you've given indicators that would give us clues to what she may deem wrong enough to leave and fixable enough to make effort for the marriage. Good luck. You aren't giving enough info for others to work with. If you think of anything she said that we don't yet know - please post it so others may be capable of sharing their experience with. Actually, Beach, I think he's given us a very good idea of why she left--the stonewall attitude displayed in his posts. Can you imagine being married to someone so incredibly stubborn, arrogant, condescending and dismissive? I, for one, do not believe there is another man in the picture. I think she simply grew tired of feeling imprisoned ("intertwined") 24/7 and decided to break free. And I also believe that the OP knows this too (although he will vehemently deny it) which is why his very first reaction was to "give her space" instead of asking her why she left. In fact, his reaction would explain why she came back--because she thought that perhaps he wasn't as controlling as she'd thought or that he had changed. When she realized that he hadn't, she left again. (Maintaining an "act" can only be sustained for so long.) Two other things that back up my "theory": 1) The fact that she left without attempting to work things out. Just like women who leave their abusers, she knew that confronting him would be pointless & getting away is their only concern. 2) The other reason is his thought to sell the house without thinking of consulting her about it which tells me that he is used to making unilateral decisions. Before I am accused of calling the OP an abuser, let me be clear that I said "like women who..." I do, however, believe that he displays a tendency for being controlling & demanding and that his ego won't allow him to accept or admit that he has done anything to give her a reason to leave. OP, if any part of what I've said hits a nerve, it would behoove you to give it some thought. You may not even be aware of what you project and been oblivious to how your attitude has affected your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Thanks for taking the time to post in this thread Survivor, its much appreciated. To start with you last point first may I say NO, non of what you wrote hits a nerve. You give part quotes "give her space" instead of the whole sentence, this is miss quoting, taking something out of context because you cant or wont deal with what I actually say but rather deal with what you would have liked me to say. In essence, Its a bit like debating with your self. You make a point of me thinking about selling my house. ""Unilateral decisions" you called it. UK law says that a spouse has no claim on the assets of a partner that were owned by that partner before his/her arrival. In other words its my house and I can do what I like with it. I'm sorry if that sounds "stubborn" or "arrogant" its just the facts. The good news is we have several houses and apartments some of which are partly owned by her so she can choose to sell her half(s) or carry on receiving half the rent from them, either way she will be in a good financial position. Your theory: 1) "The fact that she left without attempting to work things out" contradicts what you said in your previous paragraph in which you try to explain why she came back. Did you actually read all the posts ? You think "intertwining" is the same as " imprisonment" this little misinterpretation probably says more about you than me. Finally, you say I gave her space instead of asking why she left. If you actually read the OP I clearly state her reasons for leaving so can you explain why I would ask her why she left when she's just told me ? Many thanks Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Come on now chaps please lets ALL keep it calm and civilised we are all here because we are hurting or have been hurt, Richie you know I'm on your side pal and I know how you feel but mostly people are trying to help you, they might not be right and you don't have to agree with them but they are taking the trouble to help you, so come on chaps all blokes together with a common cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thanks Ralph. I came to this site for a little support and to try and gain some insight as to what has happened from other folk who have broke up in similar circumstance. The funny thing is my wife and i are still friends, we are 'amicable' I think is the word. Neither of us is playing the blame game so I don't really understand why people want to do that here. We 're not pointing fingers as non of us has done anything wrong. Reading in one of the stickys it suggests that in many break ups people never actually get to an exact reason why their marriage broke down, this may well be the case for us. Because nobody really knows why we may fall in love with one person and not another. Or why you might not be in love with somebody but grow to love them or in fact be in love but then fall out of love and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 You have my support Richie I am in exactly the same boat mate, I totally understand what you are saying, it bugs me to when people automatiucally assume that there must be more to it when quite frankly there isn't, people love gossip and sleaze and many thrive on it, no two situations are the same both our wives have left us because their perception of what makes them happy and what they want out of their lives has changed, that's all there really is to it in fact it's all a bit boring really, no affairs, no gossip, no sleaze, our wives have changed and have re-focused their sights on living a different life away from us possibly for good or maybe for a while who knows I bet they really don't, yes they will tell you its over for good, but they are as scared as we are so they will say that wont they ?, its a defence they use to justify their disruptrive actions, keep posting mate lets keep talking we will be able to help each other but above all keep as calm as you can, come midday I'm going for a pint and a hot roast beef butty as big as my head with loads of horseradish, If lived closer I would invite you to join me mate, we could cry in to our beer together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 lol thats a lovely thought Ralph .... cheers Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Ok - so maybe she just got tired of all your togetherness. It's a possibility. If she's not planning to come home you may just file the divorce papers and see what that brings to all this. She may never tell you the "reason". But she's made it clear she doesn't wish to be together anymore. Every relationship has a beginning and an end. Knowing when it's the end is the hard part. But since she's not likely coming home you may as well get busy living as though she's not likely to come back. Acceptance is the key. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy-Dayze Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) This thread makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately I have to side with the conspiracy theorists on this one. I have just seen this type of sudden separation scenario too many times before with friends. In saying that it doesn't sound like you (or Ralph) are interested in getting to the bottom of the reasons why this happened. I do find one thing a little odd - that you came on the forum asking for help and advice but every single person who offered you insights from their experience was dismissed if it didn't line up with your own opinion. If you are so sure of why your wife left - why did you even post here ? Why bother asking for others input ? As far as your future happiness is concerned maybe that is for the best that you don't do any digging and just move on. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I have seen friends who went digging and what they uncovered nearly destroyed them. Regardless of the cause follow beaches advice. Move on. Accept the relationship is over and start planning for a new life without your wife in it. Sitting there crying in your beer while you hope in vain for an unhappy wife who left you to come back is no way to live. Concentrate on yourself and the things that make you happy. Follow the 180 post in this forum and initiate no contact and file for divorce. I have seen friends wait 2 or 3 years of their lives waiting in vain for their wives to return. If she does change her mind you can deal with that when it happens. The key is not to put everything on hold waiting for that - keep living your life. Edited November 2, 2014 by Happy-Dayze spelling 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) UK law says that a spouse has no claim on the assets of a partner that were owned by that partner before his/her arrival. That is just plain WRONG. You seem to have many misconceptions aboutthe finances of marriage. You need to SEE A SOLICITOR to get your incorrect assumptions out of your system! A few links to back this up: https://www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce/overview Living together and sole ownership - Shelter England Your property and divorce Divorce: what happens to the family home? | Money | The Guardian The good news is we have several houses and apartments some of which are partly owned by her so she can choose to sell her half(s) or carry on receiving half the rent from them, either way she will be in a good financial position. Dude I want to reach through the computer screen and smack you upside the head. You need to SEE A SOLICITOR when you have a complicated legal ownership situation like this. You need to do this SOONER rather than LATER because later may be too late. DO IT NOW!!! Have you received a B94-1 yet? Edited November 2, 2014 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thanks all, Happy, I dont recall asking for help or advice, i just asked if people thought she might come back, also, I've no intention of hanging about for years waiting for her to come back and i do intend to get on with my life, but she's only been gone 7 days so its a bit early to be re-marrying Pete, I've already made an appointment with a solicitor, its tomorrow, so I'll post and tell you what happens Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 This thread makes for an interesting read. Unfortunately I have to side with the conspiracy theorists on this one. I have just seen this type of sudden separation scenario too many times before with friends. In saying that it doesn't sound like you (or Ralph) are interested in getting to the bottom of the reasons why this happened. I do find one thing a little odd - that you came on the forum asking for help and advice but every single person who offered you insights from their experience was dismissed if it didn't line up with your own opinion. If you are so sure of why your wife left - why did you even post here ? Why bother asking for others input ? As far as your future happiness is concerned maybe that is for the best that you don't do any digging and just move on. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I have seen friends who went digging and what they uncovered nearly destroyed them. Regardless of the cause follow beaches advice. Move on. Accept the relationship is over and start planning for a new life without your wife in it. Sitting there crying in your beer while you hope in vain for an unhappy wife who left you to come back is no way to live. Concentrate on yourself and the things that make you happy. Follow the 180 post in this forum and initiate no contact and file for divorce. I have seen friends wait 2 or 3 years of their lives waiting in vain for their wives to return. If she does change her mind you can deal with that when it happens. The key is not to put everything on hold waiting for that - keep living your life. Hi Happy I would love to get to the bottom of it and I have done the best I can to find out, but its not that easy or simple we have talked and she has told me her reasons which I have posted in my own thread, so if she tells me stuff then I can only believe her reasons there is no point me making stuff up to suit my purposes, we have been apart since July which has felt like eternity to me but on the grand scale of things its not been that long, I have plenty of time to dig more and to try and build bridges with her, we met up on Saturday and had a perfectly pleasesant time together so I always have hope that we can sort things out, I might be mad I often am but I know she still loves me and I know she is struggling psychologically with things, who knows what the future holds for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 Well I saw my solicitor today and as i thought, she is not entitled to any of my assets that I had before we met, they are pre-matrimonial and so she had made no contribution to them. I was pretty sure this was the case as a mate was in the same position. I can also report that she's not entitled to any of my legacy. I had a large inheritance this year and had thought she would get half but to my surprise no, its classed as non-matrimonial and she was not a contributory factor. Had she known the deceased person for many many years she could have claimed to be a big or important part of that persons life and been awarded a small proportion but this wasn't the case, she had only known the person for just under 6 years so gets nowt. So its been a good day in the office but still a bad month in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 So how long are you going to allow her to keep you in limbo? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 At the moment lifesontheup she's waiting for me to get back to her ...... Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 So what is it she is waiting for? Unless I missed something and I'm sorry if I have, she left you and you don't seem to know why? Hope you're feeling better today. All this stuff sure is a roller coaster Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Yes, what is she waiting for you to get back to her about? She is the one that left without giving a good reason. Well I saw my solicitor today and as i thought, she is not entitled to any of my assets that I had before we met, they are pre-matrimonial and so she had made no contribution to them. That is good but remember her solicitor may disagree with this opinion. There is no law stating that pre-marital assets are ringfenced (even if there is a pre-nup!). It all very much depends on the facts and figures of the individual case. Your solicitor thinks the facts and figures of your case, mean your pre-marital assets should remain yours. Her solicitor may still fight that. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 It's never "out of the blue". There is SOME reason. She had to have been thinking about it for a while. Enough to get a plan together and take action to leave. It's just that you have chosen not to see what that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Richiebuoy Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 (edited) I told her i would get back to her after seeing my solicitor, and I will. With regard to pre-marital asset's, the law is the law and some things are just not negotiable. Anyway, today is another emotional day, I have done what every guy that gets dumped does. I suppose it was inevitable, perhaps the only course of action a man can take during such a life crisis, I bought an Xbox Edited November 5, 2014 by Richiebuoy spelling Link to post Share on other sites
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