Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

Im beginning to wonder if some of us need to get beat down again by breaking NC to truly let go.

 

Maybe ill start a thread on this question to see if any one has aided their recovery by breaking NC in order to get rid of any false hope etcetera?

[suladas]

seriously. there are a grand total of ZERO stories on here of dumpees reaching out in the NC zone saying something like 'i miss you' to have the dumper hear this and want to get back together lmao. always ends in more hurt to the dumpee.

 

dumpee's just cannot patch up a broken relationship. unfortunately the power is shifted forever to the dumper, and they hold those keys. they just pretty much never use them..

 

Actually not true, there is plenty of times the dumpers story is something like "they need to make an effort" etc. There is also some cases where a dumpee reaching out ended up in getting back together. But the thing people need to also realize is, once broken up the chance of ever getting back together is extremely low. And in the case of cheating, major disrespect, etc it should be over and that's it, never ever should anyone ever consider getting back together.

[Chi townD]

HELP I want to text her. I was reading Coping's thread and feel like telling my ex that I miss her. I want to talk to her. I want to hear from her more than anything.

 

 

Here... Let me help you out with that. *clearing throat*

 

"I know we left on bad terms but I'd like to be friends"

This is what texting is going to get you.

 

nuff said.

[Simon Phoenix]

Actually not true, there is plenty of times the dumpers story is something like "they need to make an effort" etc. There is also some cases where a dumpee reaching out ended up in getting back together. But the thing people need to also realize is, once broken up the chance of ever getting back together is extremely low. And in the case of cheating, major disrespect, etc it should be over and that's it, never ever should anyone ever consider getting back together.

 

Yeah, maybe after several months this can work. But it definitely can't work and won't work in na49's situation. Though I don't understand why he would want it to work anyway.

[na49]

I want it to work because I was so into this girl that it was ridiculous. I feel so lonely that I just want to talk to her again and go back to what we had. Apparently I would need to have her do it again for me to get it, because instead of saying "F this girl!" I'm still on this. I didn't text her or anything, I went to work and felt better for a little while. Now I'm home though.. It's raining out so I just wish I could be texting her. She always blew up my phone waiting for me to come home from work so we could oovoo and talk.

 

I miss her! wahh I miss her!

 

The problem is that I have no idea if she misses me. I don't want to look like a clown and be like "hey. i miss you. i still love you etc." and have her throw it in my face and say "go away! I thought I got rid of you already! you told me to leave you alone. so i'll leave you alone. enjoy life without me" God knows hearing that would hurt me so bad I'd go nowhere fast. I have no idea though. So I have no idea what she's thinking. I don't want to check her twitter or facebook either. I didn't see anything hurtful on her twitter, and it doesn't look like she's with him. But again. I don't know. What I don't know is hurting me in this case.

 

Posting here enough should get me out of this funk. These are exhausting though, I'm getting tired of them. I really want to go back school. (first time I've ever felt that way lol)

[Simon Phoenix]

I want it to work because I was so into this girl that it was ridiculous. I feel so lonely that I just want to talk to her again and go back to what we had. Apparently I would need to have her do it again for me to get it, because instead of saying "F this girl!" I'm still on this. I didn't text her or anything, I went to work and felt better for a little while. Now I'm home though.. It's raining out so I just wish I could be texting her. She always blew up my phone waiting for me to come home from work so we could oovoo and talk.

 

I miss her! wahh I miss her!

 

The problem is that I have no idea if she misses me. I don't want to look like a clown and be like "hey. i miss you. i still love you etc." and have her throw it in my face and say "go away! I thought I got rid of you already! you told me to leave you alone. so i'll leave you alone. enjoy life without me" God knows hearing that would hurt me so bad I'd go nowhere fast. I have no idea though. So I have no idea what she's thinking. I don't want to check her twitter or facebook either. I didn't see anything hurtful on her twitter, and it doesn't look like she's with him. But again. I don't know. What I don't know is hurting me in this case.

 

Posting here enough should get me out of this funk. These are exhausting though, I'm getting tired of them. I really want to go back school. (first time I've ever felt that way lol)

 

Self-respect. You need to get some ASAP. An unrelated question, is this a girl you met at college or did you start seeing her before you went to school last semester?

[na49]

Self-respect. You need to get some ASAP. An unrelated question, is this a girl you met at college or did you start seeing her before you went to school last semester?

 

I really do. Not knowing what's been going on with her has been screwing with my head. I'm so used to knowing everything and now I'll never hear from her again. and before we went to school last semester.

[suladas]

It's ok to feel like you are and slowly work out of it but you can't contact her and beg for her back. She disrespected you way to much. In fact I have seen the other side, a friend of mine had sex with a 18 year old with had a BF a while ago. Her attitude towards it was insane, she didn't give a sh*t about her BF at all and it didn't even sound like the first time she did it. To many 18 year old girls are just immature and don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Plus if she cheated on you, who knows if she wasn't lying about other things? It basically ruins everything. If you do beg for her back you look so weak and pathetic, she treats you like crap, dumps you and you still beg her? A relationship with that dynamic can't work.

[na49]

It's ok to feel like you are and slowly work out of it but you can't contact her and beg for her back. She disrespected you way to much. In fact I have seen the other side, a friend of mine had sex with a 18 year old with had a BF a while ago. Her attitude towards it was insane, she didn't give a sh*t about her BF at all and it didn't even sound like the first time she did it. To many 18 year old girls are just immature and don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Plus if she cheated on you, who knows if she wasn't lying about other things? It basically ruins everything. If you do beg for her back you look so weak and pathetic, she treats you like crap, dumps you and you still beg her? A relationship with that dynamic can't work.

 

This is probably what makes it so frustrating. I don't know what she thinks of me. She might hate/not like me. If she hates me, having me reach out to her trying to be "civil" will do nothing for me. She'll tell me to get lost and be all big with her new friends like she has been. No need to boost her go anymore. She's already got her head in the clouds. While this would suck. It would get rid of my false hope. (I actually question if it would. I thought seeing her twitter on Sunday and seeing pictures of her happy with her friends would get rid of it. It got rid of the false hope for a few days and here it is again!)

 

The other side of it is, maybe her attempts to be friendly were ignored by me for the wrong reason. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored her to try to stay NC. I never told her that I was going NC. Should I have told her? Instead I should've found out what it was that she wanted. So that I don't play twenty questions with myself like I am right now.

 

I was talking to my cousin about this because she asked me about it and she made a great point that I guess I need you guys to drill into my head now too. If she wanted to get back together she would apologize and show me that she wanted to get back together. Actions do speak louder than words. Her actions show me that I should want nothing to do with her. I haven't mattered in over 3 months. and yet I still like to think that I do matter to her. This is so frustrating.

[Simon Phoenix]

We've been telling you exactly what your cousin told you. You just don't want to hear it, or at least you don't allow it to completely register. I don't know what to say that hasn't been said before countless times.

[Hopeful714]

I don't know why I am getting in the mix of this thread. Maybe I really feel for you because our stories are kinda the same even though I am most likely many, many years older than you. I do feel your pain though.

 

First, don't text her. And if you ever did (which I don't advise) do not tell her you miss her. Back when I was in my crappy relationship and my BF did one of his vanishing acts on me I got desperate and sent exactly that text. "Miss you" heck I even wrote it in the snow and took a pic of it (yes pathetic). Ya know what I got? A text back 3 hrs later that said miss you too....but he still didn't call me for another 2 weeks. Nice huh? Don't do it.

 

Second, sometimes things just end bad. I know...its awful, it sucks, its terrible. To go from being so close to someone to nothing and being strangers is the worst it gets. And I know...again, I am there.

 

Maybe you should have let her speak to you 1 final time. But you didn't. And its too late now. Maybe you were hurting at the time and couldn't talk about it, maybe you were digging on the fact she was blowing up your phone. I dunno. Anyhow...again, everyone on here is NC,NC,NC. No... its communicate first then if you need to ....then you go NC. I tried to communicate with my ex, but he didn't want to....and when he finally did want to (or shall I say he sent crumbs)..I blew him off. I felt why did EVERYTHING need to be on his terms? Anyhow...remember that lesson...talk first if possible, NC second. And again, btw...she should be the one contacting you. SHE CHEATED. And you never did say if you got an apology. I didn't.

 

Right now you cant talk to her now anyhow. Your a mess. You need to accept this as is and get your confidence back. Get you back. Because if somehow you did talk to her she won't find this attractive. I too think of getting back together with him (which is totally crazy-how could it ever happen-and why would I want a guy like that anyhow?) I think all that stems from the ego issues associated with being cheated on. If I ever did speak with him however I know I could not do it unless he would face me like a MAN and speak to me like an adult. Fat chance of that happening. Have that same attitude if you ex ever does somehow contact you.

 

It could be you are idolizing her because of this bad ending. Again...I did/do the same. All I know is I want to be the best I can be now. For ME, and for my next BF, and in case I ever run into him so he could be like "dang, I f'ed up!." You need to have that attitude. I've decided to leave everything to fate....so should you.

 

If your dying THAT BAD...un block your phone incase she calls and then you can talk and have your whatever. (I know Ill catch flack for that). But don't expect her to call. She may not. And she may not care. Or it could turn out worse then before. In which case you just need to move on anyhow. Its up to you on all that. What ever is best for YOU.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. Like I said, I feel for ya. Its going on 5 mos for me now and I have the same thoughts as you sometimes. But life HAS to go on. And we need to MOVE ON regardless.

[na49]

I guess I'm dealing with regret of that now. Talking to her one last time sounds so great to me now, when it didn't seem possible a few weeks ago when she was trying to contact me. It's so true when they say that we want what we can't have. She can't reach out to me now, and I really want her to.

 

I shouldn't tell her I miss her if I did reach out? She told me that she missed me. I guess I shouldn't take that for what it is though right. Does she REALLY "miss" me? She should be the one contacting me. She was the one contacting me though. I just kept ignoring her because I thought I was doing the right thing. I guess I just thought "Oh I'm NC, I won't respond" when I should've just done what was right for me right then and there instead of letting it get to where I am now. Told her to leave me alone. Blocked her number. I feel like I won't ever hear from her again. When does it get to a point where it's respond or just stop?

 

I feel like some of you think I'm worse than I am. I can still get out of bed and function. These thoughts just surface more than I think they should. It definitely has everything to do with the bad ending that we had. We fought as we broke up. I was crying she was giving me fake tears for 10 minutes and that was that. She didn't really seem too sad about it really. Okay she lost her feelings before that point. I just thought it would be a little harder for her to go through with it than she actually did.

 

I also feel like I dug myself into a bigger hole with blocking her number now. Like yes I don't get her bread crumbs texts or late night calls. But that on top of me telling her to leave me alone makes me think she won't reach out to me. So unblocking her number might do more harm than good. My phone will go off and I'll get more anxious to see if it's her or not. Where now I figure it's not, but still hope that it is.

 

Such a mess.. I should be joining the gym once I go back to school with a friend. I hope I have enough motivation to go consistently and get better from this. I know it would piss me off if I heard that she started going to the gym.

[cavalier99]

You didn't do the wrong thing blocking her...you need to go thru this and it is depressing. Do u really want to go back to getting texts and having false hope? Then go thru this again? For a girl that treated you like **** and cheated on you. That's crazy. Just suck it up.

[Hopeful714]

This IS a mess. Just like mine. I'm uncertain of what to say..yet I would like to help....would like to finally solve my own issues.

 

Yes, you should have talked to her a while ago. Spilled milk at this point. If you were to contact now, Im not sure what you would say, even if you should. The ties are cut, what happened, happened and it may even be awkward. After this amount of time has passed, I would never just text "i miss you" though. If she's truly moved on you would look pathetic...and you dont want that.

 

I'm not sure if you just want a better closure, want them back, or whatever. But really at this time if I was to talk to my ex, I know I can't stomach someone saying "lets be friends." I don't want/cant be friends. Doubt you can either. Also, you can't just go back and rehash a situation that happened months ago...so really...what is there left to say? You can't say yes, I really liked you, how terrible you cheated on me and ripped my heart out...it just re-opens everything...all of that should be obvious to the cheater. So really at this point? It is what it is.

 

Unfortunately I think this is the closure that we get. The dreaded awful ending. That's why I just let it go. Either way you had to end it. You couldn't have stuck w her or she would have had you by the balls and the whole thing would have went downhill. You needed to be away from her for awhile....its just all unfortunate how it all unraveled.

 

If I were you, I may unblock, but since you already went there...that may be a step back for you like you said.

 

If you ever figure it out....let me know...but yea...it sucks.

[na49]

I have no idea what the hell to do. I'm hating myself for not responding to her. The timing would be horrible no matter what I said. I was the one who told her that we didn't have anything to talk about and to leave me alone. So I come back 2 weeks later and say "hey, can we talk?" isn't it too soon? I'd need to ask my dad for the account information to unblock the number. So I'm not sure what he would say if I did ask him to unblock it for me. I doubt he'd care. He's honestly sick of her at this point. I cried to them enough, which is probably why I'm here.

 

Texting her is the only way for me to go though. I really don't want to message her on facebook. Unblocking her could open major wounds if I learn that my fantasies are actually fantasies and that she really doesn't care about me and is living her life. So for me to show up asking to talk, just gives her any dignity I've tried to get back during this whole thing. This not knowing is just killing me though. My idea of her makes me think that she is thinking of me, that she's really friendly and nice (how's that pedestal I have you on?). I also know that she's immature to act all big and she could tell me to get lost (last time she did that, she called me the day after and acted like she never said it). I just don't know which version of her I would get.

[Hopeful714]

I for sure would leave your fb as is ...with her blocked. Don't even snoop in that stuff either..that's baaaaad for you, or anyone.

 

2 weeks really isnt too bad yet, but still...what to say..Hey, by the way, I was NOW wondering why you were blowin up my phone and am NOW curious what you had to say? lol. She'd be like wtf? lol

 

Maybe just give it more time and think on it. But remember the more time that passes, the more we and they move on. Bummer.

[na49]

I for sure would leave your fb as is ...with her blocked. Don't even snoop in that stuff either..that's baaaaad for you, or anyone.

 

2 weeks really isnt too bad yet, but still...what to say..Hey, by the way, I was NOW wondering why you were blowin up my phone and am NOW curious what you had to say? lol. She'd be like wtf? lol

 

Maybe just give it more time and think on it. But remember the more time that passes, the more we and they move on. Bummer.

 

Gah I hate this. She's probably more over me now than she was two weeks ago. I feel like screaming lol. I need to know everything, I hate not knowing anything... She would be like wtf. but I'd have to do this before we started school. I doubt she'll have much time to sit around once school starts. The only reason I thought about doing it now is I know she's not very busy. I doubt she'll spend a lot of time in her dorm doing nothing. I especially doubt she'll be in her dorm thinking about ME contacting her. Bleh I feel like crying now. My confidence is shot and this witch is ruining my life without even knowing she is.

[Hopeful714]

Noooo...dont let HER ruin your confidence. Your gonna be fine either way...just may take some time.

 

Maybe just let it go for a bit more. Id hate to see you contact, not get the response you want then have to go back to school feeling worse and have to see her. You need to look confident in case you bump into her there.

 

I suppose if I were you I would just carry on. Get the confidence back up, and go back to school. I would think, when/if you see her there it will stir feelings and if she has anything to say she will approach you.

 

And don't ever forget...she cheated.

[jovan]

Mate am going to tell you something and your not going to like it!! Don't be so pathetic and grow some balls. Its hard, and its supposed to be, life is not fair, accept it and move on with your life. She doesn't deserve you, she truly doesn't. Once a cheater always a cheater! Your better off with out her. My advice to you is relax and start forgetting her. In time you'll see that this is the best thing that could have happened to you. And if she does come back crawling and asking for forgiveness, don't let your self be fooled, case she will just do it again. And if you do take her back she will never appreciate you nor respect you as person! Just no contact and in time I promise you will feel a lot better! Its all about self control, it will help you grow, and get your pride back

[cavalier99]

Ok NA here is the deal. 1st of all you need to own your actions. You decided to block her (correctly i might add) so you need to tell your self it was the right thing. NO second guessing EVER. It was the proper action all thing considered.

 

Secondly you are not thinking logically on what any conversation might achieve. Ok you talk to her...she isn't going to tell you i love you forgive me and take me back. No way. This is reality..but why don't you just decide this anyway? And tell yourself it is the truth. Even if it isn't the truth... you tell yourself this. Lie to yourself about her (well in your case you don't need too much because reality was bad enough)

 

Make her into the devil if needed. Even though she isn't....just lie to yourself to push her away. I tell myself lies all the time and have done so in the past to get over a girl. Make the lie real in your mind. Ie She is a total bitch always was and is dead to me..or something similar. Later on you can forgive and view objectively.

 

Thirdly you can decide that her cheating and poor treatment of you are unacceptable. Even if she did want you back..do you really feel comfortable with that idea as a man?

 

So why not accept the fact that YOU don't want her. Again lie to yourself. Tell yourself this instead of asking questions that there are no answers to Why continue to pine over the girl of 4 months ago.

 

I mean i still have regrets and thought as to why my situation had to happen. But i REFUSE to grovel and hope for a fantasy. I got sorta of a i miss u email and it messed me up some. But i decided not to respond based on all the advise here. So since i didn't respond it was the right call. No going back. Understand. It is all about self esteem.

 

Read this thread to see what can happen with even positive contact

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366944-hurt-n-cert-n

 

Why don't you give yourself permission to talk to her in 6 months if you still want to. That might solve your dilemma and you will be thinking more clearly.

 

Right now unfortunately NC is the only safe thing for us. It is proven and you need to have faith that what you are doing is right even if it is tough and you have doubts.

 

Just simplify your thinking..or even stop thinking so much. You'll drive yourself crazy. Stop these thoughts. That is why i have my rubber band to snap. Simple.

[cavalier99]

NA i would pick like 1 or 2 thing to think about when she appears in your mind. Simple. If you think of her your say.

 

"F-k her she is dead to me and never deserved me ..I'm awesome"

 

Or

 

"Her loss. She is a loser and doesn't even exist to me. I'm way out of her league"

 

Or..something like this. You decide. That is all you ever have to think about her EVER. AND YOU DON'T LET YOUR SELF THINK ANYTHING ELSE.

 

Eventually it becomes reality!

[MyAngel]

I agree with cav. I've also read someone saying "pretend your ex is a psycho serial killer and stay the hell away from them!!"

[Simon Phoenix]

Unblocking her and contacting her is such a grabasstically awful idea. SHE CHEATED ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I agree with jovan, you need to grow some testicles and stop being a doormat.

[na49]

I really do. After sleeping it off last night, I started thinking again and said to myself "What reasons do I have to think that she would want to get back together?" I thought for about a minute and realized, that there's no real reason for me to think that she wants me back. I have reasons to believe that she wanted me as a friend. I have reasons to believe that she doesn't want to lose me from her life completely, but I find it convenient that she pulled this whole stunt during winter break. She doesn't have her new friends around, she doesn't have very many real friends to begin with. So she's alone. A lot. Once school starts (she dorms), she'll have all of her new friends around again. Do I honestly think that she'll want to talk to me? No! Nor should she! She'll be doing her. So once school starts, I hope that I can start doing me. Going to the gym, making friends, hopefully getting better from this whole thing.

 

When do these thoughts go away? Honestly, I go three days with no false hopes and then they come back. I had "closure" about 3 different times and still haven't been able to get it.

[cavalier99]

Yo NA. Did you read what i wrote? You might consider trying out the technique for a few days. Lol cav