I get it!

[tojaz]

LOL, I wouldn't say I have it all figured out! I'm just starting to feel differently, I'm not sure why yet, just feel like, although I still love him, if he came back now, it would have to be on my terms, not his. Thats the key right there. I've said many times on this board. Even at my worst, that the cold angry woman that had been around was not welcome. I'm better off alone. I haven't heard from that woman in awhile, so we'll see. You know how you deserve to be treated. Accept nothing less.

 

I can't really articulate this very well yet, but I think it was partly the realisation that with all the history we had, he could actually bring himself to to this to us, not just to me.

 

He's put me through all this pain, not just the pain of losing him, but of losing my home, my friends, my life and for what reason? Did I do something horendous to him? Did I have an affair, or get him into debt, or disrespect him in some way? No.

 

He just isn't worth it. I'm sad he's done this, I wish he hadn't, I'm sad I will never get to marry him (it kills me that I visualised it all so clearly in that church with him, at the wedding venues, looked at dresses with my bridesmaid), spend my life with him, grow old together. BUT, he has done this and he is no longer the same person to me, I'm beginning to feel less of a connection to him, I just want to find happiness again and I'm going to.

 

Yes you will. Talking through what has happened has that effect. You can go back and read it, bring it to the forefront and look through clear eyes that are not clouded by emotion and hurt. You may miss him, you may want him, but you don't need him anymore! If he wants back into your life, he's going to have to earn it! Good for you Lisa!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Yes you will. Talking through what has happened has that effect. You can go back and read it, bring it to the forefront and look through clear eyes that are not clouded by emotion and hurt. You may miss him, you may want him, but you don't need him anymore! If he wants back into your life, he's going to have to earn it! Good for you Lisa!

TOJAZ

 

Thanks. I do still wonder if he is thinking about me at all? If he has doubts about his decision, but I'm just going to get on with things, things that make me happy. Like I said on your thread, only time will tell. If not it's his loss and you're right he would have to earn it, I certainly am not sitting here pining for him, I'm not waiting with open arms. I don't need him.

[LisaUk]

Well, I don't know what has changed in me, or whether it will last, but I hope it will.

 

Today I looked at photos of him, us, our life together and I found it felt different. When the first one came up on the computer screen I didn't feel longing, I felt betrayed, distaste. Looking through them all, I found I didn't feel that connection to him anymore, detached somehow. I'm still not sure how this has happened, I think maybe by just talking it through with you all has helped me to make sense of it all. He let me down badly.

 

I have found myself wondering if the feelings I am having now are the feelings he was having when he decided to walk, I can't imigaine they were as I certainly would not be able to agree to set a date to marry him and walk round wedding venues and churches with him feeling like I do now.

 

I'm at the conclusion that the wedding was the cause of his leaving, the trigger for his commitment phobia. Everything was fine until this point, I've researched into the signs of a gradual deteriation of a long term relationship. I've been over our relationship, there were no signs. (I mentioned some avoidance on a previous post, I rembered yesterday, the avoidance only occured in the last two months, only when we were discussing the wedding plans).

 

What a waste, what a complete and utter waste.

 

But, it is his waste, not mine. His loss. I really mean that now, people say it to you all the time after you split, but now I can actually see it.

 

I wonder, do these feelings mean I am starting to move on? If he turned up tomorrow, would I have him back? A week ago i would have said yes, now, honestly, I don't know.

[tojaz]

Yes, I think your starting to move on. Discovering how things broke down seems to help a lot. I'm still not 100% clear what happened in mine. I think thats why I go back and forth. I think I figured it out and try to accept then rule it out and start all over. It sounds like you have found your answers and have accepted them. Some day, he will discover this for himself and realize what he has done. By then though, you will have moved on to bigger and better things.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Yes, I think your starting to move on. Discovering how things broke down seems to help a lot. I'm still not 100% clear what happened in mine. I think thats why I go back and forth. I think I figured it out and try to accept then rule it out and start all over. It sounds like you have found your answers and have accepted them. Some day, he will discover this for himself and realize what he has done. By then though, you will have moved on to bigger and better things.

TOJAZ

 

I hope you are right, although I do still hope he will realise before I have fully moved on.

 

Today, I do still feel the same, although I have a sadness along with it. I don't think it's a sadness about him per sa, but rather a sadness that he has made this happen to us, taken all we had away and we did have something wonderful, closeness, true intimacy.

 

I helped a friend out with a personal issue in her marriage last year, when she couldn't bring herself to discuss something with her husband. I found it odd at the time that she couldn't talk to him, I shared everything with my ex, there wasn't anything I couldn't tell him, we were that comfortable with each other. My friend commeneted to me after he left she said, "he does not realise what he has done, what he has willingly thrown away, you had something unique because you practically grew up together, my husband and I don't have the level of intimacy that you did, even after 7 years of marriage and our child. He hasn't a clue what he has done, he will never find someone who loves him the way you do and as much as you do ever again. You would have done anything for him, to make him happy, including having his children, even though that would have been so hard for you. He truely does not know what he has lost."

 

I guess I just feel sad today.

[tojaz]

Take comfort in the fact that you did not lose yourself in the break up. When you come out of this you will be the same loving person you where before. All the great things that you brought to the table to make your relationship special will still be there, plus a bit of wisdom from going throught this ordeal. He gave up, turned his back on those things when he walked away. It will be very hard if not impossible for him to recapture those traits. He will probably never have a relationship like you both had again because of this, and he will have himself to blame.

TOJAZ

[giotto]

He will probably never have a relationship like you both had again because of this, and he will have himself to blame.

TOJAZ

 

tojaz, don't you think you are being a bit harsh here? We all know why he left Lisa. Maybe the way he went about it wasn't ideal (and I stress this), but he had solid reasons for not wanting to carry on with the relationship. I think you two are now losing sight of what's objective and what's not and that's dangerous, although I do understand that it makes you feel better and it's part of the healing process... sorry, but I thought it was important to mention it.

[LisaUk]

tojaz, don't you think you are being a bit harsh here? We all know why he left Lisa. Maybe the way he went about it wasn't ideal (and I stress this), but he had solid reasons for not wanting to carry on with the relationship. I think you two are now losing sight of what's objective and what's not and that's dangerous, although I do understand that it makes you feel better and it's part of the healing process... sorry, but I thought it was important to mention it.

 

Solid reasons? If you are refering to the fact that he wanted children, then you are very much mistaken that this was a solid reason. I could have DIED having his children, there were other options, adoption and at the end of the day I was willing to take the risk of death to provide him with a family. He knew this, he has always known this, he had 18 years for goodness sake, if it really was because of this do you honestly think he would have stuck around that long. As for his other reasons or rather I should say excuses, they were just fluff, all of it was an excuse because he has a problem with commitment, it's called gamophobia. I know this now, I was in a relationship with this person for 18 years and now I can look back on it and CLEARLY see his issues. They were present all the way through. I appreciate your objective opinion, from the outside it must look black and white, but I lived this and I know the constant contradictions in his behaviour, he was not rational, he even admitted he was having panic attacks.

I think what Tojaz is getting at (as my GP has said), is that he will not be able to have a functionning commited relationship with anyone else because he is either unable or unwilling to address his problem.

[LisaUk]

Hi Giotto

May I ask what you consider his solid reasons? It's always good to have another perspective.

Thanks.

[giotto]

well, Lisa, I do understand your reaction, but don't you think he was entitled to change his mind about such an important issue? Wanting children is not a "solid reason"? And although you said you would have had children with him, even if it meant that you could possibly die, don't you think that this situation was something he might have wanted to avoid alltogether at the end of the day? What kind of choice is that? Children, but you possibly die...?

 

Seeing his therapist probably made everything more clear to him. I'm sure he has a problem with commitment, but maybe you pushed him too far? You were happy. Did you have to get marry if he had doubts? You kept asking him about the date. Marrying meant to him a life without children and he decided he couldn't go through with it. We'll never know when he changed his mind and I think the way he went about is bespeakable. He messed you about and lied to you about everything being ok. But it's also understandable he was confused about it... he spent half of his entire life with you.

 

This is how I see it and these are the conclusions I can draw from what I've read. I'm sure you don't agree with it... but then, I wasn't there...

[LisaUk]

well, Lisa, I do understand your reaction, but don't you think he was entitled to change his mind about such an important issue? Wanting children is not a "solid reason"? And although you said you would have had children with him, even if it meant that you could possibly die, don't you think that this situation was something he might have wanted to avoid alltogether at the end of the day? What kind of choice is that? Children, but you possibly die...?

 

Seeing his therapist probably made everything more clear to him. I'm sure he has a problem with commitment, but maybe you pushed him too far? You were happy. Did you have to get marry if he had doubts? You kept asking him about the date. Marrying meant to him a life without children and he decided he couldn't go through with it. We'll never know when he changed his mind and I think the way he went about is bespeakable. He messed you about and lied to you about everything being ok. But it's also understandable he was confused about it... he spent half of his entire life with you.

 

This is how I see it and these are the conclusions I can draw from what I've read. I'm sure you don't agree with it... but then, I wasn't there...

 

 

I appreciate your take on this, however, I haven't listed every single detail of what he said, what happened, what's been said since, for example "I wouldn't have married you even if you could have kids, that was just something I fixated on, I fixated on it at the time, but it wasn't the issue". His exact words, written, not said.

 

The point is, I can totally see how this looks to an outsider, but there are so many other things that were said and done that it would take me forever to write here and frankly would bore the hell out of everyone. You're right, I was there and you weren't and I know this was not about his wanting children, this was about him having a serious commitment problem.

 

Did I have to get married when he had doubts? I didn't know he had doubts, I had waited 8 years, if he didn't want to marry me then why propose to me in the first place, no one made him, his choice entirely. Tell me Giotto, would you be willing to a life without commitment?

 

Just as a side point, out of interest, what does the word commitment mean to you? You ask if I thought it was ok for him to change his mind about kids? If you discussed having children before marriage and agreed not to, then in five years time your wife decided she had changed her mind, but you hadn't, what would you do/expect your wife to do? Or lets say you both want them, but when it gets down to it your wife is infertile, what would you do, leave her? What exactly does the word commitment mean to you? To me, it means "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live", not, well for the time being provided we both continue to want the same things. Otherwise what exactly is the point of marriage? (before you point out we weren't married, he led me to believe that we were, just hadn't got the documentation to back it up and anyway, as I said above this was definately not about him wanting children, just as a point of fact, I have decided now that I will be wanting children of my own in the future and have spoken to my doctor about possible help with the risks, for which they think they can help, I've told my ex this, guess what, made no difference!)

[giotto]

I don't quite believe in this "commitment" thing, to be honest. Maybe because my wife - after 24 years together - recently told me that she doesn't love me anymore like she used to (which translates into I don't love you anymore...), I've become a bit of a cynic abouth this stuff - marriage, commitment and so on. I don't see your partner like someone who wasn't committed, I see him as someone who once loved you and now doesn't love you anymore. Someone who's screwed up by not telling you that before. Someone who was a coward for stringng you along. Someone who'd rather lie to you than come clean. But he had the right to change his mind and fall out of love with you. Everybody has. I don't see marriage as an institution where you have rights, commitment, duties and so on. Marriage is the union of two people who decide to be together and want to be together, because they love each other, with all the baggage this implies... Marriage is not a prison. I read that you wanted to get married in church. Are you religious? Maybe you have stricter morals than me.

 

I was shocked when my wife told me that... apparently she's been feeling like that for the last 10 years. I decided to stay because of the children. We separated for a while and we got back together. My only duty are my children. Am I happy? Hell, no. Would you be happy in my situation? Probably no. But this is life. I accepted it. Did I blame my wife? Sure I did. But what's the point? As I said in another thread, to you, you can't stop people falling out of love...

[LisaUk]

Take comfort in the fact that you did not lose yourself in the break up. When you come out of this you will be the same loving person you where before. All the great things that you brought to the table to make your relationship special will still be there, plus a bit of wisdom from going throught this ordeal. He gave up, turned his back on those things when he walked away. It will be very hard if not impossible for him to recapture those traits. He will probably never have a relationship like you both had again because of this, and he will have himself to blame.

TOJAZ

 

Thanks Tojaz, I guess what you are getting is that anyone who just walks is going to have the same issues in the next relationship, not to mention his commitment problem! Frankly, I don't care anymore for the most part, I know what happened, I know I did everything I could, I know I wasn't an unreasonable, uncaring, uncompromising person.

 

To be honest, I feel sorry for the next poor c*w who gets him, she has NO IDEA what she is in for, poor soul. If I ever find out he has pulled this s**t on someone else! He really should come with a public health warning!

 

He's hurt so many people, not just me, my friends, my parents feel they have lost a son and he couldn't even be polite to them, in fact he was extremely rude to my mum after the split. Yet, his family, the people I have called mum and dad at their request, for the last 5 years, haven't even bothered to contact me! Unbelievable, how much effort does it take to send a note, just to say although we can't get involved, we are sorry, we hope you are ok, they have known me since I was 15 years old, 18 years! I don't understand some people.

 

I feel so much better today, I am sitting here listening to music, for the first time in nearly 4 months. I couldn't before, it just made me cry, no matter what it was. Now I'm practically dancing around the room, blasting it up loud. What's gotten into me? I'm back to my old self, or I certainly feel much more like it.

 

Blimey, I actually want to go out tomorrow night and party! It's time to start having some fun, my mum said this morning "you've wasted enough of your life on that waste of space, it is time you put yourself first for a change and get out and enjoy yourself". I'm even starting to think about dating again! Although that scares the c*ap out of me! There's a well tasty guy on match just come on near me. So tempted. Yep, I have posted my profile on match, it's still hidden at the moment, I hid it as I started getting e-mail, kind of freaked me out and as I don't feel ready yet, I feel it's not fair to just ignore people. Just window shopping at the moment.

 

You know, looking at those photos of him yesterday, I found I'm not even physically attracted to him anymore. It's so weird. I studied attraction in my Psychology degree, very often people will begin to percieve someone as less attractive if they discover they have untasteful personality traits, or if they have been hurt by them. Guess that's what could be happening here?

 

I do still love him, but I realise he is not all I thought him to be, his actions have given me a new insight into who he REALLY is. I guess I just now feel he is not someone I would want to spend my time loving. I know I have a lot to offer someone (not to big myself up ) and I deserve someone who truley knows what it is to love and who wants to love me FOR WHO I AM, ALL THAT I AM.

 

I have another driving lesson this evening, really looking forward to it! Gosh, I really don't know what has come over me, but I sure hope it continues!

[LisaUk]

I don't quite believe in this "commitment" thing, to be honest. Maybe because my wife - after 24 years together - recently told me that she doesn't love me anymore like she used to (which translates into I don't love you anymore...), I've become a bit of a cynic abouth this stuff - marriage, commitment and so on. I don't see your partner like someone who wasn't committed, I see him as someone who once loved you and now doesn't love you anymore. Someone who's screwed up by not telling you that before. Someone who was a coward for stringng you along. Someone who'd rather lie to you than come clean. But he had the right to change his mind and fall out of love with you. Everybody has. I don't see marriage as an institution where you have rights, commitment, duties and so on. Marriage is the union of two people who decide to be together and want to be together, because they love each other, with all the baggage this implies... Marriage is not a prison. I read that you wanted to get married in church. Are you religious? Maybe you have stricter morals than me.

 

I was shocked when my wife told me that... apparently she's been feeling like that for the last 10 years. I decided to stay because of the children. We separated for a while and we got back together. My only duty are my children. Am I happy? Hell, no. Would you be happy in my situation? Probably no. But this is life. I accepted it. Did I blame my wife? Sure I did. But what's the point? As I said in another thread, to you, you can't stop people falling out of love...

 

 

I feel bad for your situation, but people don't JUST fall out of love, that's why marriage and commitment is so important, it's these that keep you working at it. Relationships don't just happen, love needs to be nurtured, just like a garden. When two people commit, what they are saying in effect is I choose to spend my life with this person and come hell or high water I will do everything I can possibly do to nurture the love that we share, so that it never fades. So, it need never become a prison, people don't change their minds about loving someone, that happens when one of you or both of you ALLOW the relationship to erode, by not nurturing it. "I will love, honour and cherish her".

Yes I am a Christian, I don't go to church often or read my Bible as often as I should, but yes I am and I believe in marriage and morality.

 

My ex was never commited to me, he's admitted to me since leaving, that even when he proposed something didn't feel quite right and that is why it took him so long to break up. Remember, we are talking about 8 years here, only a mad man needs that long to decide if he wants something. That's what he was, he has serious problems. He told me a week before he left what he would do when his parents argued, I won't say as I promised him to never tell anyone. If he didn't love me anymore, why did he stop me leaving, when he started messing me about, after 2 weeks I said I was going, I'd had enough, he BEGGED me to stay!

[LisaUk]

Just wanted to add, all relationships require nuture to survive, freindships, family, all of them.

 

What didn't feel quite right when my ex proposed was he is s*it scared of marriage because of his childhood. I know this now, I know if I had never mentioned setting the date, I would be sat at home with him right now, having gone over everything aagain and again in my mind I have never been more certain of anything.

[giotto]

Surely, people don't just fall out of love, but they do, maybe slowly, but they do, regardless. This board is an example. Yours is an example, too, isn't it?

 

If he had so many issues, how come you suspected nothing for 18 years? I find it strange. He must have been such a good actor. I have no other explanation. And probably you don't know either...

 

Finally, despite all your heartbreak, you must be glad, deep down, that your relationship is over with such a despicable man.

 

P.S. you must forgive me if I come across in a strange way, sometimes, but I'm Italian and English is my second language...

[LisaUk]

See, the thing is I could post here all of his contradictory behaviour and all of the times we nearly split during those 8 years (at my instigation, not his), he always wanted me to stay. If he didn't love me any more, thses things would not have occured. That's why I know this about commitment, not his feelings for me.

 

Could I ask you Giotto, were your wife and you having problems or did her telling you she didn't love you anymore come as a bolt out of the blue? Before you answer have you done any reasearch into the sighs that a person can miss in the gradual derteriation of a long term relationship? Thing is, I have, they weren't present and NO ONE is that good of an actor.

 

If you want to rekindle your wifes love for you, that may still be possible, if you would like more information on how to go about this, let me know.

[LisaUk]

Our posts just crossed and I have to go, but will post later.

[giotto]

See, the thing is I could post here all of his contradictory behaviour and all of the times we nearly split during those 8 years (at my instigation, not his), he always wanted me to stay. If he didn't love me any more, thses things would not have occured. That's why I know this about commitment, not his feelings for me.

 

Could I ask you Giotto, were your wife and you having problems or did her telling you she didn't love you anymore come as a bolt out of the blue? Before you answer have you done any reasearch into the sighs that a person can miss in the gradual derteriation of a long term relationship? Thing is, I have, they weren't present and NO ONE is that good of an actor.

 

If you want to rekindle your wifes love for you, that may still be possible, if you would like more information on how to go about this, let me know.

 

I'm quite confused about this. You nearly split at some point? I thought you said you didn't suspect anything... it all came out of the blue. If you had problem, then it's not so surprising that he changed his mind (or couldn't commit).

 

As far as my story is concerned, no, I didn't come out of the blue. I suspected it, but we never talked about it. Having said that, I still believed that she loved me, so it was a bit of a shock. You see, sex dwindled and famly took precedence. We should have nutured the relationship, but we didn't. With 4 children and full time jobs there was no time. We were just too tired. We just got along, argued about sex, but we got on with it. Signs? Well, lack of sex is a big sign, isn't it?

 

Do I want to rekindle? No, it's too late. We've been to counselling, didn't work. Tried everything. We separated, got back together, separated again, back together. Don't get me wrong, we do get along and we even have sex from time to time, but I don't feel loved and appreciated. I don't remember last time i was hugged...

[Helter_Skelter]

I don't know if it helps but I have been feeling unsure of my relationship from day one of getting back together. I am not able to determine if its because I don't want her (I do when she leaves me, ego I guess) or my fear of commitment.

 

Perhaps he has been holding on to something like this for a long time? Did you feel that he ever really committed to you fully and let you in his soul? Tough question to answer but I think you know deep inside if that connection was ever there.

 

I know in my case I didn't and she didn't initially either. Now she tries and I am full of fear.

[LisaUk]

 

If he had so many issues, how come you suspected nothing for 18 years? I find it strange. He must have been such a good actor. I have no other explanation. And probably you don't know either...

 

I do have the answer to this Gittio, and to any other question you may put to me regarding my relationship, because they are the questions I have asked myself since he left and because I was in the relationship.

 

To answer you, I was aware that he had commitment issues, but when you are in love with someone and when you are with them from such a young age, you trust their word implitily. Therefore, when he proposed I trusted his proposal, when he then didn't set a date, I enquired, when he then gave excuse after excuse for 8 years, I believed each excuse he gave. At the same time, I was subconciously aware that something was not right. NOT with our relationship, but that he could not commit. It is possible, now that I have some distance to have clarity, whereas before it was not. He did not only fool me, my family, his family, our freinds as well.

 

 

You say that you find this strange, yet you do not question why soemone would hold an 8 year engagement if they were unhappy/falling out of love. Do you not find it strange that everything was good until it came to the point of marriage?

 

A couple of hours ago, you were convinced he left me because of the children issue, I explained this was not so, now you are convinced he fell out of love. (I will continue on another post to anser the rest of your questions).

[LisaUk]

I'm quite confused about this. You nearly split at some point? I thought you said you didn't suspect anything... it all came out of the blue. If you had problem, then it's not so surprising that he changed his mind (or couldn't commit).

 

As far as my story is concerned, no, I didn't come out of the blue. I suspected it, but we never talked about it. Having said that, I still believed that she loved me, so it was a bit of a shock. You see, sex dwindled and famly took precedence. We should have nutured the relationship, but we didn't. With 4 children and full time jobs there was no time. We were just too tired. We just got along, argued about sex, but we got on with it. Signs? Well, lack of sex is a big sign, isn't it?

 

Do I want to rekindle? No, it's too late. We've been to counselling, didn't work. Tried everything. We separated, got back together, separated again, back together. Don't get me wrong, we do get along and we even have sex from time to time, but I don't feel loved and appreciated. I don't remember last time i was hugged...

 

We nearly split on one occasion, years ago, we got over that, it was a long time ago and my ex agrees with me totally (after the split) that the issue at the time had been resolved and did not play a part in our current situation. My point was, he wanted to stay together and would not have done so if he did not love me.

 

Unlike with your wife, I can assure you that there were no signs of a break down of our relationship. We were not arguing, there was no loss of affection or sex (in fact it increased in the last 1 and half years), there was no loss of communication etc etc.

 

My ex had plenty of opportunity to split with me before setting the date with the minister, although I raised it to begin with, he whole heartedly wanted to do so, HE APPROACHED ME AND SAID I WANT TO GET MARRIED, LETS START THE ARRANGEMENTS. It was only after the arrangements had been made etc that he backed off, said he had started to have anxiety attacks etc etc.

 

I find it too much of a coincidence that he should back off at the point of marriage, coupled with everything else, including his display of commitment phobic behaviours throughtout our relationship (I have not listed everything here, to do so would take me years), for it to be anything other than gamophobia. Medical professionals who have been helping me agree.

 

He has said since he left, he is uncertain in his decision, that he loved me until the end and still does. I could go on listing, but what is the point?

At the end of the day, to someone outside of this it is going to appear different to those involved inside, but I was in this relationship and as such I think I have insight into what happened. I would prefer to leave this conversation here now if you don't mind as I cannot see how this is helping my situation.

[LisaUk]

I don't know if it helps but I have been feeling unsure of my relationship from day one of getting back together. I am not able to determine if its because I don't want her (I do when she leaves me, ego I guess) or my fear of commitment.

 

Perhaps he has been holding on to something like this for a long time? Did you feel that he ever really committed to you fully and let you in his soul? Tough question to answer but I think you know deep inside if that connection was ever there.

 

I know in my case I didn't and she didn't initially either. Now she tries and I am full of fear.

 

Helter, I replied to you the other day on your thead, as soon as I read your first post I recognised commitment problems, I have just been through the same sort of behaviours with my ex. A person who works more than they have to as a way to avoid being with their partner, leaving quickly after sex is because someone with commitment issues has been intimate and now NEEDS to withdraw because of the anxiety of such, a person who cannot buy a house, a car, has loss of sexual function when faced with producing children. You sounded to me to be describing servere anxiety, yet now your wife has left you, you say you feel imense pain. Ego really?

[Helter_Skelter]

Helter, I replied to you the other day on your thead, as soon as I read your first post I recognised commitment problems, I have just been through the same sort of behaviours with my ex. A person who works more than they have to as a way to avoid being with their partner, leaving quickly after sex is because someone with commitment issues has been intimate and now NEEDS to withdraw because of the anxiety of such, a person who cannot buy a house, a car, has loss of sexual function when faced with producing children. You sounded to me to be describing servere anxiety, yet now your wife has left you, you say you feel imense pain. Ego really?

I don't know. I am trying to make sense of the fear of commitment. The other factor is that I am unhealthily attracted to other women. Major distraction. The strong need for ego could be a major factor here as nothing is enough for me. Not my wife not anyone except some sort of fantasy. In that case she could not stand a chance as no one can compare to a fantasy.

 

Since she left me she came back and the same fear has returned. I don't know how to stop it but perhaps moving forward is a way for it to come to a head one way or another. I made a 'deal' with her that if I cannot move forward and she leaves (and she would) I will not grab onto her to stay.

[LisaUk]

I don't know. I am trying to make sense of the fear of commitment. The other factor is that I am unhealthily attracted to other women. Major distraction. The strong need for ego could be a major factor here as nothing is enough for me. Not my wife not anyone except some sort of fantasy. In that case she could not stand a chance as no one can compare to a fantasy.

 

Since she left me she came back and the same fear has returned. I don't know how to stop it but perhaps moving forward is a way for it to come to a head one way or another. I made a 'deal' with her that if I cannot move forward and she leaves (and she would) I will not grab onto her to stay.

 

Hi Helter I just left you a detailed reply on your thread. From you r description I think you are trying to find excuses and explainations for what is ultimately a commitment phobia. Your need for other women is part of this as is your fantasy. The looking at other women, is fear of lost options, the fantasy is believing there is someone PERFECT out there for you that you will not feel this push/pull dynamic with. Both are CLASSIC commitment phoic behaviours. But I think deep down you alraedy know this, but because your wife has returned you are already moving back into a push situation. I think you know as well, that you will not be able to keep that deal if she decides to go, just think how you felt the other day!

 

I hope the info I left on you rthread helps, if you have any other questions I will do my best to answer them for you.